Don’t let them be in control of what kind of person you are. No one should ever have that power in your life.

Who do you want to be? 

Narcissistic people do not go to therapists to get help for themselves. They don’t go to figure out if something is wrong with them. They might go to a therapist, yes. 

Will they be truthful with that therapist? No

Will they be truthful about what the therapist said to them? No

Will they twist everything to their advantage? Yes

Will they charm the therapist, putting their mask on securely? Yes

"One doesn't have to operate with great malice to do great harm. The absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient."  Charles M. Blow

Covert narcissistic abuse is a very unique type of abuse. Those who have never lived it cannot fully understand the complexities of this abuse. As a victim of it, I can certainly tell when I am talking to someone who has lived it too. They just get it!

Life with a covert narcissist is a mixed up life. You try to live in a way that shows love and care for the needs of others. But this gets used against you. You put the needs of others before your own, but they play this to their advantage. You overlook the faults of others, but this blows up in your face. This is life with a covert narcissist.

One thing I definitely have learned - They are more in love with the “idea” of being a great person than in actually being one. More in love with the idea of being a great parent than in actually being one. They just want the admiration.

The other extremely useful tool is Imagination Burst. Your own imagination is very effective in dealing with all the pain. If you stay with those intense emotions burning all the time, you will exhaust yourself and go crazy. You simply cannot maintain that emotional burn for the long-term. You need to purposefully take a break from it. This is that break!

I actually tried couples therapy with my husband, a covert narcissist. It did no good for our marriage, but it did validate for me, even more so, what was going on. He threw me under the bus to the therapist, saying things I had never heard before, taking credit for things I had done, and causing me to look pathetic if I objected. Everything was my fault and my responsibility to fix. This became very clear. It was so eye-opening and validating to me that I was in fact dealing with covert narcissistic abuse. I could no longer deny it at all. However, it did nothing to help our marriage.

Covert narcissists don't use conversations to find understanding, reconciliation, or compromise. They don’t use them to get to know someone better or to connect with another person. Sitting around and just visiting with others is a complete waste of time to them!

When with a covert narcissist, you learn to defend yourself constantly. You are always under attack and never feel emotionally safe. Things can blow up at any moment, so your guard is always up. The tiniest little thing can set everything off, so you are on constant watch.

When a healthy individual harms someone that they love, here are some things that typically happen:

• The person who made the mistake feels remorse for hurting the other person.

• The person who made the mistake apologizes with sincerity and without excuses.

• The person who made the mistake tries to not continue repeating the offense.

You have been conditioned to live in thick fog. You have been made to believe that they are better at everything than you and know more about everything than you. You have been conditioned to care for all of their needs and feelings and to accept a complete disregard for your own needs and feelings. You have been taught to fear their anger, silence, and rejection. You have been taught that it is your job to care for their every whim. You have been made to feel guilty and responsible for any and every bad thing that has ever happened or ever will happen.

Have you ever said...But we have some good times together. Remember that one day…. Remember that one time….We had so much fun. We were so happy that day.

When you are with a covert narcissist, everything you say can and will get used against you

It’s no wonder we start grey-rocking. Do you know what this is? I was doing this long before I ever knew there was a name for it. Grey rock is when you become as boring as a grey rock to them. You give them no emotional reaction, no extra dialogue, no questions, nothing that will ever extend any conversation. You don't defend yourself, which only gives them fuel. You don't explain yourself. You don't try to help them see your side of things. You stop engaging!

I have heard these circular conversations referred to as gaslighting, word salad, and verbal vomit. I prefer to call them circular conversations from hell. 

Many victims ask, “But what if I still care for them? How can I leave then?” They feel they must stay because they still care. Or they keep returning to the relationship because they care about them.

A miserable person can and often will try to hide their misery. They cover it and mask it. They can do such a great job of this that it stays hidden for decades. They can even go so far as to hide it from themselves quite successfully. But eventually, those closest to them start to recognize that something is wrong. They start to feel uncomfortable and guarded around this person. Often at the beginning, they do not even know why.

I remember my husband telling me in our early marriage that brinkmanship was his favorite word ever. I thought it was odd and didn’t even really know the word. I looked it up and found this even weirder. I had no idea what this would come to mean for me.

They give you just enough breadcrumbs to make you believe in them.

One good evening can erase a whole lot of bad in your mind. This is who he really is. See, he really is a good person. A small glimpse of goodness can erase several days, weeks, or even months of bad behavior. Finally, he is back! This is what I have been waiting for. You feel relieved, even ecstatic. You drop your guard and relax, only for the cycle to start all over again.

As a victim of covert narcissistic abuse, you have a mind that is going a million miles per hour. When you have a need or desire and actually want to express it, you do not feel that you can do this. You have been taught that your needs and desires do not matter and that you are wrong for even having them in the first place.