Bullying is NOT a kid’s problem. Someone recently said to me that we deal with bullies in our childhood. Teen years, there may be a few bullies here and there, but not really. By adulthood, we are past all that kid stuff. Well, this got me to thinking. Are we really past all the bullying behavior in adulthood? I sure don’t feel like we are.
His trauma became our trauma
7 Ways that a Covert Narcissist Reacts
Have you ever called a covert narcissist out for something they have done? How did that go? One of the most frustrating things ever is to try to get a covert narcissist to take any responsibility or to even listen to you in the first place. When you try to talk with them regarding how you feel about something they did, you can expect a large amount of pushback. Here are 7 ways that a covert narcissist reacts.
The Emotional Dysregulation of a Covert Narcissist
I’m mad! So I yell at you, punch the wall, storm off, stomp my feet, shove the chair, and slam the bedroom door! I don’t care that you don’t like it! I don’t care that you now feel bad. In fact, I’m going to wait in my room until you come and apologize to me! Who am I?
I'm a 2 year old toddler throwing a fit, or a teenager dealing with hormones, social anxiety, and overwhelming schoolwork, or a full-grown adult covert narcissist.
Emotional Childishness and Covert Narcissism
Professionally Reviewed by Psychotherapist Ross Rosenberg, M. Ed., LCPC, CADC
Will they ever grow up?? Am I dealing with a child or an adult? Sometimes I really am not sure. I feel like I have three children, my two by birth and my spouse! Covert narcissists grow physically, mentally, and even socially, but not emotionally.
The Emotional Dysregulation of a Covert Narcissist
When asked what is emotional regulation and how do you teach it to your children, let’s start by identifying what it is not. It is not spilling your emotions all over the other person. It is not when someone is experiencing negative emotions and thus treats the people around them with sharpness, blame, rage, entitled anger, yelling, slamming doors, and breaking things. This is like kicking the dog because you are mad. It’s not, “I’m mad, so I can do whatever I want. You better get out of my way.”
Apology Dodging of a Covert Narcissist
I have never met anyone better at dodging apologizing than a narcissist. They are experts at it. Their sense of superiority causes them to never feel that they are in the wrong. Other “inferior” individuals are always to blame. So for them to apologize requires that they lower themselves to an equal or lesser plane than others. This is something that they simply cannot do! They will tap dance, side step, spin in a circle, and stand on their heads. But they will NOT apologize, at least not in any real and genuine way.
Circular Conversations with a Covert Narcissist
Let me start by saying these aren't conversations. They are verbal competitions and even warfare. Narcissists don't use conversations to find understanding and compromise. They use them to win. These conversations are extremely planned and manipulated. There is absolutely no such thing as spontaneity. There is no place for this to be relaxed and natural chatting. No, it is war!
Raising Kids with a Covert Narcissist
Let me start by saying that dealing with a covert narcissist is completely tiresome, in and of itself. I know all too well. It was over 20 years for me. But trying to co-parent with them sends you to a whole new level of exhaustion. This is counter parenting at its best. You are parenting with a bully!
No Reconciliation Ever
In all relationships, you are certainly going to upset each other from time to time. You are going to hurt each other’s feelings and find yourself in an argument or disagreement. This is a very normal part of life. Knowing this is true, however, caused me for years to justify what was going on in my marriage. I made so many excuses for his painful words and behaviors.
Grey Rock
Have you ever heard the term grey rock? I was doing this and didn’t even know what it was. It had become a way of life for me before I ever heard the phrase.
So what is grey rock? Grey rock is becoming as boring as you possibly can to this person. You show no emotions, no reactions, and no care, keeping conversations as short as possible. You become as boring, dull, empty, and emotionless as a simple grey rock. The kind we see all the time and totally ignore.
Covert Narcissistic Parents are Bullies
Grenade Inside a Tank
Someone who has experienced covert narcissistic abuse is like a grenade inside a tank.
On the inside, you are wound up incredibly tight, over-thinking everything, over-analyzing everything, always anticipating the next disaster. Your mind is going a million miles per hour. “Should I say it this way? Should I say it that way? What if I phrase it like this or that? Should I tell them this? Should I keep it to myself? Will they be mad about this? Will that set them off?” Tighter and tighter, your mind is winding you up in a knot, just waiting to explode.
Googling that Brought You to Narcissism
If you are googling words like narcissism, emotional abuse, silent treatment, gaslighting, and passive aggressiveness, then you are probably not in a healthy relationship. Are you listening to podcasts about narcissism? Those podcasts do not have an audience of people who are in healthy relationships.