Renee Swanson 2/2/25 Renee Swanson 2/2/25

Parenting the Parent: How Covert Narcissists Steal Childhoods and How to Heal

Were you forced to grow up too soon? Did you feel responsible for managing your parent’s emotions, household duties, or even their well-being? If so, you may have experienced parentification, a term that describes when a child takes on the role of a parent—either emotionally or physically—due to their caregiver’s unmet responsibilities.

For adult children of covert narcissists, this experience is all too common. Instead of being nurtured, they were expected to provide emotional support, household management, and even emotional regulation for their narcissistic parent.

Understanding the Dynamic

🔹 “I had to grow up too fast.”
🔹 “I carried responsibilities that were beyond my years.”
🔹 “My childhood was stolen from me.”

But what exactly is parentification, and how does it impact those who experience it?

What is Parentification?

Parentification occurs when a child is burdened with responsibilities that exceed their developmental capacity. This happens when a caregiver is emotionally or physically absent, neglectful, or incapable of fulfilling their parental role. It manifests in two key ways:

Instrumental Parentification: The child takes on practical caregiving tasks such as cooking, cleaning, or managing household responsibilities.
Emotional Parentification: The child becomes their parent’s confidant, therapist, or emotional support system.

While it’s normal for kids to help with household chores, it’s not normal for them to be responsible for managing their parent’s life, taking care of their siblings full-time, or being the emotional crutch for a struggling adult.

Real-Life Examples of Parentification

Many adult children of covert narcissists can relate to these experiences:

Becoming the Emotional Support System

"I remember sitting with my mom while she cried about her life, her job, her marriage. She told me things no child should hear—how unhappy she was, how she regretted her choices. I didn’t understand, but I felt responsible for making her feel better."

Instead of enjoying childhood, they were burdened with adult emotions and responsibilities.

Managing the Household

Cooking dinner every night
Ensuring siblings completed their homework
Cleaning the house
Taking care of a parent who was passed out from alcohol or exhaustion
Putting siblings to bed and assuring them that everything would be okay

Years later, many survivors realize: "I practically raised my siblings. I wish I had just been their brother or sister, not their parent."

Keeping the Peace in the Home

Acting as the negotiator between parents
Protecting one parent from the other
Becoming a people-pleaser to avoid conflict

Making Our Parents Look Good

Getting good grades to make the parent feel accomplished
Excelling in sports to win approval
Behaving perfectly in public to avoid embarrassment

Without realizing it, many children of narcissists become an extension of their parent’s ego, rather than being valued for who they truly are.

The Impact of a Covert Narcissistic Parent

A Stolen Childhood

Many survivors describe the loss of a childhood filled with joy and exploration. Instead of playing and making mistakes like normal kids, they were expected to act like mini-adults.

One survivor shared:
"I didn’t have a childhood. I was too busy trying to be perfect to win my dad’s approval."

Even years later, some find themselves reclaiming childhood joys they never got to experience.

Emotional Scar Tissue

Even after healing, many survivors describe an emotional residue—reminders of the trauma that shaped them:

Words that linger: “You’re too sensitive.” “You’re worthless.”
Triggers from childhood wounds: Feeling uncomfortable even in moments of peace, because they were conditioned to expect chaos.
Hyper-awareness of their own flaws: A voice in their head constantly telling them they’re not good enough.

One survivor recalled how, years later, he struggled with self-worth because his father used to berate him for something as simple as the sound of his footsteps.

Difficulty Trusting Self and Others

Low self-esteem
Chronic self-blame
Constantly second-guessing their own judgment
Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions
Fear of being manipulated again

After years of gaslighting and emotional neglect, many survivors develop a deep fear of trust and connection.

Parenting Struggles

Those who become parents themselves often battle:

Fear of repeating the same patterns they grew up with
Overcompensating by being too permissive
Struggling to set healthy boundaries
Unintentionally allowing toxic family members to impact their parenting decisions

Many survivors of covert narcissistic abuse cut ties with toxic parents to protect their own children from experiencing the same cycle.

One parent shared: “If I had not left this marriage, my relationship with my kids would have ended.”

Healing from Parentification and Covert Narcissistic Abuse

Breaking free from the trauma of a covert narcissistic parent is not easy, but it is possible. Here are some steps to begin healing:

1️⃣ Recognize That It Wasn’t Your Fault

You were forced into a role you never should have been in. A child is not responsible for managing a parent’s emotions or responsibilities.

2️⃣ Grieve the Childhood You Lost

It’s okay to mourn what should have been. Give yourself the space to acknowledge the pain and release the guilt that was never yours to carry.

3️⃣ Set Boundaries with Toxic Family Members

You are not obligated to continue parenting your parent as an adult. Limiting or cutting contact with toxic parents can be necessary for your mental health.

4️⃣ Reparent Yourself

Give yourself the love, compassion, and care you didn’t receive as a child. This can look like:

Speaking to yourself with kindness
Allowing yourself to play and explore hobbies
Surrounding yourself with people who validate and respect you

5️⃣ Seek Support

Healing is a journey, and you don’t have to do it alone. Consider:

Therapy or coaching to work through childhood trauma
Support groups for survivors of narcissistic abuse
Educating yourself about narcissistic behavior to break free from toxic patterns

You Deserve to Heal

It is painful to look back and see how much was stolen from you, but you are not alone in this journey. Healing takes time, and the fact that you’re reading this means you’re already taking steps toward reclaiming your life.

Take those lessons you’ve learned and turn them into wisdom, strength, and a new beginning. Your childhood may have been stolen, but your future belongs to you.

Your story matters, and you deserve to be heard without judgment.

Renee Swanson 1/22/25 Renee Swanson 1/22/25

Unmasking Narcissism

While there are so many similarities in the stories of those dealing with a covert narcissism, narcissism does exist on a spectrum and can manifest differently in individuals. Traits from multiple types of narcissism may be present in the same individual. Root causes often involve a mix of genetics, childhood experiences, and environmental influences. Each type of narcissism can present with overt traits, covert traits, or a combination of both.

All of these different manifestations of narcissism add to the confusion for those who are dealing with it in their lives. Understanding the different types and faces of narcissism can aid in developing effective coping strategies, workarounds, or boundary setting. It is such a necessary part of your healing journey!

Imagine a tornado ripping through a peaceful countryside. The tornado itself remains intact, untouched by its own ferocity. Yet everything in its path—homes, trees, lives—is left in ruins. The closer something is to the tornado’s core, the greater the destruction it endures. The storm doesn’t care about the devastation it leaves behind; it simply moves forward, consuming and discarding as it pleases.

This is the essence of a narcissist’s impact on those around them. Like a tornado, a narcissist rarely sees or acknowledges the harm they cause. Their words, actions, and manipulation wreak havoc on the lives closest to them. The deeper the relationship, the more vulnerable you are to the emotional, psychological, or even physical destruction they leave in their wake. Yet, like the tornado, the narcissist moves on, seemingly unscathed.

Understanding this dynamic is essential in recognizing the patterns of narcissistic behavior and protecting yourself from its impact. Today, we’ll explore the different types of narcissism and clear up the prevailing confusion about covert narcissism.

Categories of Narcissism

Grandiose Narcissism

Traits: Inflated self-image, entitlement, arrogance, and a need for admiration

Core Motivation: Desire for superiority and power

Vulnerable Narcissism

Traits: Fragile self-esteem, hypersensitivity to criticism, introverted, and full of self-pity

Core Motivation: Desire for validation, sympathy and attention

Malignant Narcissism

Traits: Combines traits of narcissism with antisocial behavior, sadism, and paranoia

Core Motivation: Desire for control and domination over others

Communal Narcissism

Traits: A focus on being seen as altruistic, caring, and socially responsible

Core Motivation: Desire to be admired for being a "good person"

Somatic Narcissism

Traits: Focus on physical appearance, fitness, or sexual prowess

Core Motivation: Desire to be admired for physical attractiveness

Cerebral Narcissism

Traits: Belief in intellectual superiority and disdain for "less intelligent" people

Core Motivation: Desire to be admired for mental capabilities

You will notice that I did not mention covert narcissism. Covert narcissism is not its own category. Covert narcissistic traits can be a part of any of these categories of narcissism. It is a description of how these categories of narcissism show up. Let me explain in more detail.

Grandiose Narcissism

Traits: Inflated self-image, entitlement, arrogance, and a need for admiration

Identifying Signs: Seeking attention, exaggerating achievements, and dominating conversations

Core Motivation: Validation of superiority and power

Overt Behaviors of a Grandiose Narcissist

Bragging About Accomplishments:

“I closed the biggest deal in the company’s history. This is the best deal this company has ever had. There has never been a bigger deal. No one else could’ve pulled it off like I did.”
They openly boast about achievements to seek admiration.

Dominating Conversations:

Interrupting others with, “Hold on, let me tell you how I handled this situation. It was perfect,” steering all attention back to themselves and their greatness.

Demanding Special Treatment:

Skipping lines at an event because they “know someone important” or claiming, “People like me don’t wait in line.”

Dismissing Others’ Feelings:

Responding to someone’s struggles with, “Why are you upset? Look at everything I’ve done for you. You should be the happiest with me.”

Outbursts When Criticized:

Yelling or belittling someone who points out a mistake, “You clearly don’t understand how much I contribute.”

Covert Behaviors of a Grandiose Narcissist

Passive-Aggressive Manipulation:

Saying, “It must be nice to have all the free time you do. I’m always working so hard,” laying guilt and blame on you and pushing you to express your gratitude.

Feigning Humility to Fish for Compliments:

“I don’t think I’m that great of a speaker,” when clearly they do think they are. They are fishing for responses such as, “Are you kidding? You’re incredible!”

Subtle Undermining of Others:

“Your presentation was good, but next time you might want to try a more professional tone like I do.”

Exhibiting Jealousy:

“You sure do get a lot of attention. No one ever appreciates all the hard work I put in,” to elicit praise and admiration and get all the attention back on them.

Backhanded Compliments:

“It’s impressive you achieved that, especially with your background,” to solidify their superiority over you.

While overt behaviors of a grandiose narcissist are bold, loud, and attention-seeking, covert behaviors are more subtle but equally manipulative. Both styles aim to maintain their sense of superiority and gain admiration, either through blatant self-promotion or by quietly eliciting sympathy and validation.

2. Vulnerable Narcissism (a.k.a. Covert Narcissism)

Traits: Fragile self-esteem, no one ever appreciates them enough, hypersensitive to criticism, and full of self-pity

Identifying Signs: Passive-aggressive tendencies, withdrawal from challenges, and harboring resentment and anger

Core Motivation: Desire for validation, sympathy and attention, to the point of being coddled. Driven by an avoidance of shame and fear of rejection and abandonment

Overt Behaviors of a Vulnerable Narcissist

Openly Complaining About Being Misunderstood:

“No one ever sees how hard I work. Everyone is always against me no matter what I do.”
“I can’t believe I’m being treated like this. No one has it as hard as I do.”

Expressing Extreme Sensitivity and Defensiveness:

“Why are you attacking me? I can’t believe you’d say that when I’m trying my best.”
“It’s not my fault that I don’t know what you want from me.”

Demonstrating Obvious Self-Pity:

“I always give so much, but no one ever does anything for me.”

Overtly Seeking Reassurance:

Constantly asking, “Do you think I’m doing a good job? I feel like I’m just not good enough,” to elicit compliments and attention.

Lashing Out When Overwhelmed:

Snapping at you, “You don’t even care about how much I’m struggling. You only think about yourself.”

Covert Behaviors of a Vulnerable Narcissist

Sulking to Gain Sympathy and Attention:

Huffing, sighing to gain your sympathy and care or to guilt

Quietly Holding Grudges or Resentments:

Remaining silent but acting cold or distant toward you to “teach you a lesson.”

Subtle Guilt-Tripping:

“I guess I’m just not as important to you as your other friend, but I hope you have a good time. I’ll just sit at home tonight and do nothing.”

Undermining your Successes:

“Oh, I’m happy for you, but honestly, I don’t think I could ever take that much credit for something so simple,” to knock you down a few notches

Seeking Validation Through Self-Deprecation:

“I know I’m not as talented as you are, but at least I try,” designed to elicit reassurances like, “What? You’re amazing!”
“Clearly I’m just a horrible person.” Now you feel bad for saying anything at all and work to convince them otherwise.

Key Takeaway

While overt behaviors of a vulnerable narcissist tend to focus on obvious expressions of insecurity and sensitivity, covert behaviors are subtler and designed to elicit sympathy, attention, or validation without openly asking for it. Both styles are rooted in their fragile self-esteem and desire to feel valued or admired.

3. Malignant Narcissism

Traits: Combines traits of narcissism with antisocial behavior, sadism, and paranoia

Identifying Signs: Exploitation, manipulation, and a lack of empathy or remorse

Core Motivation: Desire for control and domination over others

Overt Behaviors of a Malignant Narcissist

Blatant Intimidation and Threats:

“If you don’t do what I say, you’ll regret it. I can make your life a living hell.”
They openly use fear to control others.

Publicly Humiliating Others:

Criticizing or mocking a coworker in front of others, saying, “Why don’t you try doing something right for once?”
They derive satisfaction from degrading others.

Exploitation Without Remorse:

Forcing someone to work overtime and then taking credit for their results, bragging, “I run this place like a machine.”
They overtly use others as tools to elevate themselves.

Aggressive Displays of Power:

Boasting about connections or resources they could use to ruin someone’s reputation: “I know people who could make sure you never work in this town again.”

Outright Denial of Harmful Actions:

After being caught in a lie or harmful act, responding with, “Prove it. You’re just trying to make me look bad.”

Covert Behaviors of a Malignant Narcissist

Undermining Others Privately:

Spreading subtle but damaging rumors about a colleague to erode their credibility, such as, “I’ve heard they’re really unreliable. You might want to double-check their work.”
They sabotage others without being obvious.

Feigning Concern to Manipulate:

Pretending to be worried about someone\u2019s well-being while gathering personal information to use against them later: “Are you okay? You seemed really off during that meeting.”
They mask malice with false empathy.

Gaslighting to Control Perception:

“You’re imagining things. I never said that,” or, “You’re overreacting. You’re too sensitive.”
They subtly distort reality to make others doubt their own experiences.

Weaponizing Vulnerabilities:

Gaining someone’s trust by acting supportive, only to use their shared secrets against them later: “Remember what you told me about your financial issues? You really can’t afford to lose this job.”
They exploit others’ trust to maintain control.

Playing the Victim to Avoid Accountability:

“I’m always the bad guy, no matter what I do. Everyone’s out to get me,” after being called out for hurtful behavior.
They deflect criticism by eliciting sympathy.

Key Takeaway

Overt behaviors of a malignant narcissist are aggressive, domineering, and unapologetically harmful, designed to assert power and control in obvious ways.
Covert behaviors are more insidious, involving subtle manipulation, gaslighting, and exploitation that allow them to harm others while maintaining a facade of innocence or concern.

Both styles reflect their lack of empathy and their drive to dominate and manipulate for personal gain, often leaving significant emotional and psychological damage in their wake.

4. Communal Narcissism

Traits: A focus on being seen as altruistic, caring, and socially responsible

Identifying Signs: Highlighting their contributions, moral grandstanding, and expecting recognition for their "generosity"

Core Motivation: Desire of admiration for being a "good person"

Overt Behaviors of a Communal Narcissist

Boasting About Good Deeds:

“I organized that charity event all by myself. It wouldn’t have been a success without me.”
They openly draw attention to their contributions to gain recognition.

Seeking Public Praise for Altruism:

Posting on social media about a donation with captions like, “Making the world a better place, one step at a time! #BlessedToGive.”
They thrive on public admiration for their supposed selflessness.

Comparing Themselves to Others to Feel Superior:

“I don’t understand how people can be so selfish. I spend all my time helping others.”
They emphasize their altruism by belittling others’ perceived lack of generosity.

Taking Credit for Group Efforts:

“That project wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t stepped in to organize everything.”
They dominate collaborative work to ensure they’re seen as the hero.

Using Charity to Gain Power or Influence:

“Since I donated the most money, I think I should have the final say in how the funds are used.”
Their “generosity” is often a means to exert control.

Covert Behaviors of a Communal Narcissist

Subtly Expecting Gratitude or Recognition:

“I went out of my way to help you, but I guess some people don’t appreciate kindness these days.”
They indirectly guilt others into acknowledging their efforts.

Downplaying Their True Motives:

“Oh, it was nothing, really. I just enjoy helping others,” while secretly hoping for admiration.
They use humility as a strategy to elicit praise.

Weaponizing Generosity:

“After everything I’ve done for you, I can’t believe you’re treating me this way.”
They remind others of their good deeds to manipulate or control them.

Undermining Others While Feigning Morality:

“I just want to help them improve, but honestly, they don’t care about people as much as I do.”
They subtly criticize others under the guise of being helpful or concerned.

Overstepping Boundaries in the Name of Helping:

Taking over someone’s personal responsibilities and saying, “I only did it because I care so much about you,” while ignoring their wishes.
They impose their assistance to appear indispensable and gain control.

Key Takeaway

Overt behaviors of a communal narcissist involve obvious self-promotion of their altruism and moral superiority to gain admiration and influence.
Covert behaviors are subtler and include guilt-tripping, manipulation, and feigned humility to elicit validation while maintaining a selfless facade.

Both styles reflect their underlying need for recognition and validation, often making their relationships feel transactional and emotionally draining.

5. Somatic Narcissism

Traits: Focus on physical appearance, fitness, or sexual prowess

Identifying Signs: Excessive preoccupation with body image and constant need for compliments about appearance

Core Motivation: Desire of affirmation for physical attractiveness as a source of worth

Overt Behaviors of a Somatic Narcissist

Constantly Flaunting Their Appearance:

Regularly posting selfies with captions like, “Woke up like this #NaturalBeauty” or “Gym gains paying off!”
They openly seek admiration for their physical attributes.

Bragging About Sexual Conquests:

Telling friends, “I can get anyone I want. People just can’t resist me.”
They boast about their desirability and sexual success to reinforce their self-image.

Criticizing Others’ Appearances:

“She would look so much better if she just took care of herself like I do.”
They diminish others to elevate their own sense of physical superiority.

Obsessing Over Fashion and Trends:

“I only wear designer brands because I know how to present myself,” or emphasizing the cost of their wardrobe.
They use material symbols of beauty to seek admiration.

Seeking Validation Through Public Performance:

Making a spectacle at the gym or a dance floor to attract attention, saying afterward, “Did you see how everyone was watching me?”
They crave overt acknowledgment of their physical prowess.

Covert Behaviors of a Somatic Narcissist

Fishing for Compliments:

Saying, “I feel so out of shape lately,” while clearly expecting someone to reassure them, “What? You look amazing!”
They subtly elicit praise for their appearance without directly asking.

Passive-Aggressively Highlighting Their Attractiveness:

“I don’t know why people always stare at me when I walk into a room—it’s so awkward.”
They indirectly point out their desirability to others.

Using Health or Fitness to Gain Sympathy or Attention:

“I’ve been working so hard on my diet and fitness, but no one seems to notice,” while hoping for validation.
They draw attention to their efforts without being overtly boastful.

Belittling Others Subtly:

“Oh, you look great! I’d never be brave enough to wear something like that.”
They frame their remarks as compliments but imply superiority.

Sexual Manipulation:

Quietly leveraging their sexual desirability to gain favors or maintain control, such as flirting to get what they want or make others jealous.
They use sexuality as a subtle tool for power and validation.

Key Takeaway

Overt behaviors of a somatic narcissist are bold and direct, focusing on flaunting their appearance, health, or sexuality to gain admiration.
Covert behaviors are subtler, using passive-aggression, fishing for compliments, or subtle manipulations to achieve the same goal without appearing overly self-centered.

Both styles revolve around their physicality and leave those around them feeling compared, objectified, or undervalued.

6. Cerebral Narcissism

Traits: Belief in intellectual superiority and disdain for "less intelligent" people

Identifying Signs: Overly analytical, condescending, and prone to intellectual debates to showcase intelligence

Core Motivation: Desire of validation for mental capabilities

Overt Behaviors of a Cerebral Narcissist

Boasting About Their Intelligence:

“I have a higher IQ than most people I know, so I usually end up being the smartest person in the room.”
They openly highlight their intellectual superiority.

Talking Down to Others:

“I can explain it to you in simpler terms since this is probably over your head.”
They demean others to assert their intellectual dominance.

Dominating Conversations with Theories or Facts:

Hijacking a casual discussion to give an in-depth, unasked-for lecture: “Actually, if you look at the data, what you’re saying doesn’t make any sense.”
They insist on showing off their knowledge.

Discrediting Others’ Opinions:

“Your argument is so flawed, I don’t even know where to begin correcting you.”
They invalidate others to appear infallible.

Claiming to Be an Authority on Many Topics:

“I’ve read every book on the subject, so I know more about this than anyone here.”
They present themselves as the ultimate expert, regardless of the topic.

Covert Behaviors of a Cerebral Narcissist

Subtly Undermining Others’ Ideas:

“That’s an interesting perspective, but have you considered how oversimplified it is?”
They frame their criticism as intellectual guidance while quietly dismissing others.

Feigning Humility to Elicit Praise:

“I don’t know why people keep asking for my advice—I’m not that brilliant,” while expecting responses like, “Are you kidding? You’re a genius!”
They use self-deprecation to provoke admiration.

Gaslighting Through Intellectual Manipulation:

“If you really understood this topic, you wouldn’t be confused right now,” implying the other person is less intelligent for questioning them.
They use complex language or ideas to make others feel inferior.

Withholding Information to Maintain Power:

Keeping key details to themselves in a group project and later revealing them to demonstrate their superior knowledge: “Oh, I thought everyone knew that—guess it’s up to me to fix it.”
They maintain control by ensuring others depend on their expertise.

Passive-Aggressively Highlighting Their Achievements:

“It’s funny how people with advanced degrees like mine are often misunderstood.”
They subtly draw attention to their credentials without appearing overtly boastful.

Key Takeaway

Overt behaviors of a cerebral narcissist are direct, focusing on flaunting their intellect, belittling others, and dominating intellectual spaces to gain admiration.
Covert behaviors involve subtle manipulations, passive-aggressive remarks, and intellectual gaslighting to quietly establish their superiority while appearing unassuming.

Both styles reflect their fixation on being seen as the smartest or most knowledgeable person, often leaving those around them feeling dismissed, devalued, or intellectually inadequate.

Conclusion

Narcissism exists on a spectrum and can manifest differently in individuals. Traits from multiple types of narcissism may be present in the same individual. Root causes often involve a mix of genetics, childhood experiences, and environmental influences. Each type of narcissism can present with overt traits, covert traits, or a combination of both.

As always, this information is for educational purposes only. I am not in the business of diagnosing anyone. This information should not be used to diagnose. That requires trained professionals in the field.

Understanding the different types and manifestations of narcissism can aid in developing effective coping strategies, workarounds, or even interventions. I offer both individual and small group coaching for help in devising these strategies and workarounds for your specific situation.

www.covertnarcissism.com

Renee Swanson 1/12/25 Renee Swanson 1/12/25

Victim Blaming: The Silent Weapon Against Survivors of Covert Narcissism

Imagine mustering the courage to share your deepest pain, the struggles you face daily in your marriage, and the emotional despair that has consumed you. Instead of finding empathy, you’re met with questions and statements like:

"Why don’t you just leave?"
"Maybe you’re the problem."
"You shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place."

These aren’t just hurtful—they’re devastating. Victim blaming silences survivors, reinforces the abuser’s control, and deepens the emotional wounds of covert narcissistic abuse. Instead of empathy and understanding, you hear accusations, judgments, and dismissive comments. This is the last thing you need and can push you even further into loneliness, hopelessness and despair.

"Why don’t you just leave?"
"Maybe you’re the problem."
"You shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place."

No one understands! No one gets it! No one cares!

What is Victim Blaming?

Victim blaming occurs when others hold the victim responsible for the abuse they are receiving or minimize their experiences. This harmful mindset often stems from a lack of understanding about the dynamics of covert narcissistic abuse.

Victim blaming shows up in many forms:

Dismissive statements: "It’s not that bad."
Judgmental accusations: "Why didn’t you just communicate better?"
Insults: "You’re just being dramatic."
Invalidation: "You’re overreacting."

These comments don’t just sting—they perpetuate the psychological damage victims already endure.

How Victim Blaming Hurts Survivors

1. It Silences Victims

When survivors face judgment instead of support, they often retreat into silence, fearing further pain. Already feeling lonely, they are now convinced that they are on this journey completely alone. This isolation makes it even harder to seek help and begin healing.

2. It Deepens Self-Doubt

Covert narcissism thrives on gaslighting and manipulation. Victims already struggle with questions like:

"Am I overreacting?"
"Is this really abuse?"

Hearing phrases like "This is your fault" amplifies their inner conflict and erodes their confidence.

3. It Invalidates the Experience

Statements like "Why didn’t you leave?" or "Just get over it" dismiss the complexity of abusive relationships. Survivors feel invisible and misunderstood. This situation is already impossible to put to words. Unreceptive ears only magnifies this maddening situation.

4. It Reinforces the Abuser’s Control

Victim blaming echoes the abuser’s narrative: "You’re the problem." This reinforces the power imbalance, making it even harder for the victim to break free.

Why Do People Victim Blame?

Discomfort with Complexity
Covert narcissistic abuse is nuanced and difficult to understand. Simplifying it by blaming the victim feels easier than confronting the painful reality of manipulation.
Projection of Personal Beliefs
Comments like "You’re just a drama queen" or "This is why men shouldn’t get married" often reflect the speaker’s own biases or frustrations, not the survivor’s reality.
Desire for Control
Blaming the victim provides a false sense of security: "If I avoid their mistakes, this won’t happen to me."

How to Respond to Victim Blaming

1. Recognize It’s About Them, Not You

Victim-blaming comments reveal the commenter’s ignorance or discomfort—not your truth.

2. Seek Safe Spaces

Share your story with trusted friends, support groups, or a therapist who listens without judgment.

3. Educate Where You Can

If you feel safe, use these moments to spread awareness. For example:

"Covert narcissism is designed to trap you emotionally, making leaving seem impossible."
"It’s not about a lack of communication; it’s about a lack of respect and empathy from the abuser."

4. Focus on Your Healing

Redirect your energy from defending yourself to nurturing your well-being. You are not defined by others’ misunderstandings.

A Message to Survivors

If you’ve faced victim blaming, hear this: It’s not your fault. The responsibility for abuse lies solely with the abuser, not you.

You are not weak for staying. You are brave for surviving. You deserve compassion, understanding, and support as you heal.

Encouraging Empathy: A Message to Listeners

If you’ve ever judged a survivor or questioned their choices, consider this:

Do you fully understand their situation?
Are you offering support or adding to their pain?
How would you want someone to respond if you were in their shoes?

Empathy can make a world of difference. Listening without judgment and validating someone’s feelings can be the first step toward helping them heal.

Let’s Shift the Narrative

Victim blaming adds to the wounds of those already suffering. Together, we can change that. Let’s create a world where survivors feel seen, heard, and supported.

If this blog resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it. Your story matters, and you deserve to be heard without judgment.

Ready to take the next step in your healing journey? Check out my coaching services. And don’t forget to subscribe for more empowering content.

I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing!

Renee Swanson 12/30/24 Renee Swanson 12/30/24

Why I Chose to Stay: Navigating a Relationship with a Covert Narcissist

For those who have left, that was an incredibly tough decision to make. But I want you to understand that for those who stay, this is an equally tough decision to make. To everyone listening who has chosen to stay in their marriage with a covert narcissist, I want you to know this: you are not alone. Your choice to stay is not a measure of your strength or worth. It is simply the path you are on right now, and there is no shame in that.

A Marriage in Conflict

I was 15 years into my marriage. Our kids were 13 and 11. The environment in our home was unpredictable, swinging between hot and cold.

Good Times

- When he was at work or traveling.

- When he was gaming upstairs or asleep.

Bad Times

- When he was around.

- When he tried to participate in family activities.

- When things didn’t go as he expected—a random, exhausting guessing game of his desires.

Sprinkled in were occasional good times with him—an evening that stayed positive or an activity that actually went well. But mostly, our days existed in this strange, "okay" place. It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t fulfilling.

In this "okay" place, you don’t feel connected, valued, or cared for. You simply co-exist until things spiral into chaos. Even during the calm moments, hypervigilance takes over. You’re constantly anticipating conflict, working around them, and avoiding potential triggers. I talked about this recently in my episode, *Emotional Abuse Consumption – The 100% Impact of 10% Abuse.*

Why Didn’t I Just Leave?

I shared my struggles with a friend. Her response was, “Why don’t you just leave?” It was a well-meaning question, but it wasn’t what I needed. I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to understand, fix, and make things better.

I cringe every time someone asks a victim of covert narcissism, “Why are you still there?” or “Why haven’t you left?” While this question may fit in certain conversations, it can also come across as judgmental and dismissive, leaving the victim feeling worse.

Harmful Messages Behind “Why Don’t You Leave?”

You’re not strong enough to stand up for yourself.
You don’t love yourself enough.
You chose this, so it’s on you.
If you’re staying, I can’t help you.

These attitudes hurt someone already living in a painful situation. Making them feel worse isn’t the answer.

Reasons Why People Stay

If you’re choosing to stay, you’re not alone. Everyone’s journey is unique, and there are many valid reasons for staying. Let’s explore some of them:

Investment

You’ve built a life together, committing emotionally, mentally, and physically. Walking away from everything you’ve invested in feels overwhelming.

Family Stability

Keeping the family unit intact, especially for the kids, might feel like the better option. You value the ripple effects your decisions have on parents, grandparents, and extended family.

Commitment to Personal Values

You’re committed to understanding, forgiving, and trying to make things work. You value loyalty and don’t want to give up easily.

Financial Concerns

Separating can bring financial strain, and the thought of taking on those challenges alone may feel impossible.

Hope for Change

You hold onto glimpses of improvement, believing that things could get better.

Cultural or Religious Beliefs

Personal values, religious teachings, or cultural expectations may encourage staying.

Fear of the Unknown

Staying can feel safer than stepping into the unknown, especially if you’re unsure what life apart might look like.

Whatever your reasons, they’re valid. No one else can make this decision for you.

Living with a Covert Narcissist

For those who stay, navigating a relationship with a covert narcissist requires tools and strategies to protect your mental and emotional health. While you can’t change their behavior, you can take steps to safeguard your peace.

Tools to Navigate the Relationship

Don’t Try to Change Them

Their behavior is their choice, not yours. Redirect your energy toward yourself rather than trying to manage or fix them.

Set Clear Boundaries

Define what you will and won’t tolerate. For example, "I will not engage in conversations when my fight/flight response is triggered." Boundaries won’t change them but will protect you.

Practice Emotional Detachment

Covert narcissists thrive on emotional reactions. Detaching doesn’t mean ignoring your feelings; it means not letting them control your emotions.

Choose Your Battles

Not every disagreement needs to be addressed. Pick battles carefully to preserve your energy and sanity.

Find Support

Seek out trusted friends, family, therapists, or support groups. Choose people who respect your decision to stay and offer nonjudgmental support.

Focus on Self-Care

Prioritize your well-being by carving out personal time, nurturing your mental health, staying physically active, and practicing mindfulness. Journaling, walking, or even punching a workout bag can help release overwhelming emotions.

Reframing Your Choice

Choosing to stay doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re navigating life in a way that feels right for you at this moment. This choice isn’t set in stone; you can revisit it as your circumstances evolve.

Instead of focusing on others’ judgments, ask yourself, *What do I need to feel stable and grounded right now?* If staying provides that stability, honor your decision. You are the expert of your life, and your reasons are valid.

Closing Thoughts

To everyone choosing to stay in a relationship with a covert narcissist, know this: you are not alone. Your choice does not define your worth or strength. Life is a journey, and you’re navigating it with courage every day.

Take care of yourself, protect your peace, and remember that you have the power to revisit this decision when you’re ready. If this message resonates with you, share it with someone who might need it. For tools, resources, or support, visit www.covertnarcissism.com.

I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing.

Renee Swanson 12/23/24 Renee Swanson 12/23/24

Intimacy Issues with a Covert Narcissist

Today, I want to talk to you about a question that lingers in the hearts of so many: Why can’t I feel intimate with my partner? Let me assure you, you’re not alone in asking this. Intimacy, that deep connection we all crave, can feel impossible when you’re caught in the web of emotional abuse.

A Question That Haunts Many

Today, I want to explore a question that lingers in the hearts of so many: *Why can’t I feel intimate with my partner?* If you’ve found yourself asking this, let me assure you, you’re not alone. Intimacy, that deep connection we all crave, can feel impossible when you’re caught in the web of emotional abuse.

The Silent Erosion of Intimacy

Let me share a story to illustrate this. Picture a woman who, one quiet evening, tries to tell her partner about a tough day at work. She’s vulnerable, her guard down, hoping for empathy. Instead, she’s met with a sigh and the dismissive comment, “Why do you always have to complain about everything?”

The moment she hoped would bring them closer becomes a weapon that hurts her. Over time, she learns to keep her thoughts to herself, building walls around her heart brick by brick. And just like that, intimacy begins to erode.

Or imagine a man sitting alone at the kitchen table late at night, replaying the events of the day. His partner’s sharp words, subtle put-downs, and dismissive attitude weigh heavily on him. Earlier, he suggested they spend time together—watch a movie, perhaps. Her response? “Why would I waste my evening that way?”

He didn’t argue; he never does anymore. He cleaned the kitchen, folded laundry, and avoided another cutting remark. Now, sitting alone, he wonders: *Why can’t I feel close to her? Why do I feel so alone, even when she’s right here?*

Does this sound familiar? Emotional abuse doesn’t always look like shouting or slamming doors. Sometimes, it’s the quiet erosion of intimacy through criticism, dismissal, and emotional distance.

How Emotional Abuse Chips Away at Intimacy

Emotional abuse creates an environment where intimacy cannot thrive. Here’s why:

Trust Is Undermined: When your words are twisted and thrown back at you, trust erodes. Covert narcissists use subtle invalidation and inconsistency, leaving you hesitant to share your feelings.

Emotional Availability Is Absent: Covert narcissists often lack genuine emotional depth. Their surface-level engagement leaves you feeling unseen and unheard.

Unpredictability Creates Emotional Exhaustion: One day they’re warm and attentive; the next, they’re cold and critical. This unpredictability keeps you from building a stable connection.

Your Vulnerability Is Betrayed: Confiding in a partner, only to have your words used against you later, stifles openness and intimacy.

Emotional Energy Is Depleted: Managing their moods and avoiding conflict consumes your energy, leaving little for nurturing connection.

Intimacy Becomes a Transaction: Love and attention feel like rewards you must earn, undermining mutual respect and equality.

Even physical closeness may feel hollow, as the emotional intimacy that binds physical connection is often missing.

Signs Intimacy Is Eroding

How do you know if intimacy is eroding in your relationship? Here are some signs:

Emotional Signs

Conversations stay surface-level; vulnerability is gone.
Communication becomes strained, with frequent misunderstandings.
You feel unseen, unheard, or invalidated by your partner.
Resentment and irritation overshadow affection.

Physical Signs

Hugs, kisses, and other gestures become less frequent.
Physical intimacy feels mechanical, lacking emotional connection.
Avoidance of physical contact altogether.

Behavioral Signs

One partner withdraws emotionally or isolates themselves.
Efforts to spend quality time diminish.
Conflicts remain unresolved, creating lingering tension.

Mental and Emotional Indicators

You feel lonely even when your partner is present.
You question whether your partner still cares.
Emotional exhaustion makes connection feel impossible.

The Blame Game

Have you ever thought, *If only I were more patient, loving, or understanding, things would be different?* You’re not alone. But intimacy is not a solo effort; it’s a two-way street. If your partner isn’t meeting you with vulnerability, effort, and emotional availability, the erosion of intimacy is inevitable—and it’s not your fault.

Breaking Free from the Cycle

So, what can you do if intimacy has eroded in your relationship? Here are some steps to consider:

1. Acknowledge the Reality: Recognize the role emotional abuse plays in eroding intimacy. Naming it is the first step toward clarity.

2. Set Boundaries: Protect your emotional and physical well-being. For example, say, *I won’t engage in this conversation if you’re yelling.*

3. Seek Support: Find trusted friends, support groups, or therapists to help you navigate your experiences.

4. Prioritize Self-Care: Refill your emotional tank with activities that bring you peace and joy, like journaling, walking, or spending time with supportive people.

5. Consider the Relationship’s Future: Reflect on whether the relationship can meet your needs for intimacy, trust, and emotional safety.

Closing Thoughts

Intimacy is one of the most beautiful parts of human connection. It allows us to be seen, loved, and understood for who we truly are. If you’re struggling to feel intimate with your partner, know this: you are not broken, and you are not alone. You deserve a relationship where intimacy flows freely, built on trust, safety, and mutual respect.

Thank you for sharing this time with me today. If this resonated with you, please pass it along to someone who needs it. And if you’re ready to take the next step in your healing journey, visit covertnarcissism.com to learn more about my coaching services. You are not alone on this path, and I’m here to walk it with you.

I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing.

Renee Swanson 12/20/24 Renee Swanson 12/20/24

A Christmas Message of Hope and Peace

Reflections on Past Holidays

As I sit in my quiet home, gazing at the Christmas tree and the stockings hanging neatly, memories of past holidays come rushing back. Those days were filled with tension, anxiety, and stress. The holidays were supposed to bring joy, but for me, they often felt like an uphill battle—trying to create peace in a home where peace wasn’t welcomed.

I remember making plans, hoping for moments of connection:

- Playing Monopoly, our family’s favorite game.

- Taking the dogs to the park.

- Driving around to see Christmas lights.

- Watching movies or football together.

- Wrapping gifts and preparing meals as a family.

When Plans Turn Sour

But the reality? Those plans often turned into something else entirely. Monopoly became a stage for dominance, with my husband threatening to quit if decisions didn’t align with his “business skills.” Trips to the dog park ended in frustration as he yelled at the dogs and at us. Even the simple joy of looking at Christmas lights became stressful, marred by his road rage. Activities meant to bring us closer only pushed us further apart.

Finding Ways to Avoid Conflict

Over time, I adjusted to avoid conflict. I started playing Monopoly with the kids when he wasn’t around. I took the dogs to the park alone. I made excuses for why the kids couldn’t join us for certain outings. I wrapped all the gifts myself, cooked the meals, and quietly ensured everything went as smoothly as possible.

On Christmas mornings, I prayed for calm. Any small misstep—a missing battery, a duplicate gift—could ignite tension. I worked tirelessly to anticipate every need, to fix every problem before it even started. My cheerfulness was a shield, my bubbly energy a barrier to keep anger at bay. But beneath it all, I was exhausted and deeply unhappy.

Six Years of Transformation

This January marks six years since my divorce was finalized. My boys are older now, and Christmastime looks entirely different for us. Our home has transformed into a sanctuary—a place where feelings matter, laughter echoes, and everyone can simply be themselves.

Now, we take turns preparing meals and play games, including Monopoly, without fear of judgment. We watch shows and football together, take trips, and have giant wrapping parties, tossing tape and scissors down the hall with playful banter. We’ve created a home that feels safe, welcoming, and filled with love.

Reclaiming My Space

This transformation didn’t happen overnight. It was a journey of reclaiming my space and, in doing so, reclaiming myself. After the divorce, I debated whether to stay in the house or leave. Ultimately, I decided to stay and make it my own. Bit by bit, I replaced items that carried painful memories—pillows, blankets, furniture, and even the paint on the walls. Each change brought me closer to creating a home that felt authentically mine.

Creating Peace Within and Around Me

Creating a peaceful home started with creating peace within myself. I had to let go of the need to control every situation, a survival tactic I’d developed during those chaotic years. I learned to hold space for my own emotions—sadness, anger, fear—without judgment. This, in turn, allowed me to create a space where my boys could express their feelings freely and without fear.

Here’s How I Began This Journey Toward Peace

1. Decluttering My Space: Removing physical clutter helped clear my mind and brought a sense of calm to my environment.

2. Creating Quiet Moments: I set aside time daily for reflection, prayer, or simply sitting in silence to reconnect with myself.

3. Choosing Kindness: I made a conscious effort to approach situations with compassion, even when it was difficult.

Redefining Home and Happiness

Building a loving, peaceful home has been a process of constant growth and adjustment. There are still hard days, but they no longer define our lives. Instead, what defines our home now is the safety and love we’ve cultivated together.

A Message of Hope

If you’re reading this and longing for a home that feels like a sanctuary, know that it’s possible. It starts with small, intentional steps. Perhaps it’s setting boundaries, practicing self-care, or seeking support. Whatever your next step is, trust that it’s leading you toward the life you deserve.

The light at the end of the tunnel isn’t a myth. It’s real. One day, the laughter in your home will be genuine. You’ll feel safe expressing your emotions without fear of judgment. Your home will become a place of peace, not a battlefield.

Looking Ahead to a Brighter Future

This holiday season, my boys and I are preparing to travel to the mountains for some skiing and family time. Life is far from perfect, but it’s filled with peace, love, and connection. The journey here wasn’t easy, but it was worth every step.

To anyone on a similar path, better days are ahead. You are strong enough to create the home and life you’ve always dreamed of—a home filled with safety, laughter, and love. I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing!

Renee Swanson 12/16/24 Renee Swanson 12/16/24

Emotional Abuse Consumption

Emotional abuse is often described as insidious, and for good reason. It doesn’t have to happen constantly to dominate your thoughts, emotions, and decisions. Even if the abuse only happens 10% of the time on a clock or calendar, the fear of it, the anticipation of it, and the recovery from it consumes your mind 100% of the time.

The 100% Impact of 10% abuse

Imagine this: A husband hits his wife twice a month. She never knows what will trigger it or when it will happen, but it’s inevitable. The other days of the month? He’s kind, attentive, and even generous. He helps with chores, pays bills, engages in meaningful conversations, and buys her gifts. On the surface, 94% of their days together seem good. But does this make it a healthy marriage? Would anyone advise her to stay? The answer is a resounding no.

Now, let’s replace physical abuse with emotional, verbal, or psychological abuse. For some reason, society tends to minimize this type of harm. People rationalize, “It isn’t that bad,” or “It’s not all the time.” But the truth is, the impact of emotional abuse is just as pervasive and damaging—and that’s what I want to explore today.

The Insidious Nature of Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse is often described as insidious, and for good reason. It doesn’t have to happen constantly to dominate your thoughts, emotions, and decisions. Even if it occurs 10-25% of the time, it can consume your mind 100% of the time.

The Pie Chart of Abuse

Let’s visualize this with a pie chart:

Imagine 6% of the chart is red, representing the days when abuse happens. The remaining 94% is green, representing the “good” days.

On paper, this pie chart looks overwhelmingly positive. But for the victim, it tells a different story. Even though the abusive events only occur on a few days, the fear, anticipation, and recovery from those incidents occupy their mind 100% of the time.

Now consider a covert narcissist. Their verbally and psychologically abusive behavior may only account for 10-25% of the time, leaving most days in a strange, okay-but-tense state. Yet, the mental and emotional toll is constant. You’re stuck anticipating, analyzing, and recovering from the abuse, even on the “good” days.

The Emotional Landmine Effect

Imagine walking through a field littered with landmines. Most of the field is safe, but a few hidden mines make every step potentially dangerous. Even though the majority of the land is safe, you’re consumed by fear. You tread carefully, hypervigilant, and paralyzed by the possibility of an explosion.

This is what living with emotional abuse feels like. You’re constantly bracing for the next outburst, overanalyzing every word and action:

Will this set them off?
Am I going to pay for this later?
What if I say it wrong?

Even the simplest interactions become exhausting. The abuse may not be happening at every moment, but the mental and emotional toll is unrelenting.

The Ratio of Time vs. Impact

The actual moments of abuse might seem like small slivers of time. But their unpredictability and severity overshadow everything else. Here’s why:

Anticipation: You spend hours, even days, walking on eggshells, trying to prevent an outburst.

Aftermath: Post-incident, you replay the situation in your mind, questioning what you did wrong or how you could have stopped it.

Hypervigilance: Even on “good” days, you’re on high alert, scanning for signs of impending abuse.

This constant vigilance creates a mental load that drains your energy and consumes your life. It’s not just about the abusive episodes; it’s about the time in between, filled with fear and anxiety.

The Hidden Cost of Emotional Abuse

When people outside the relationship look at the pie chart, they only see the abuse that happens in specific moments. They don’t see the other pie chart—the one that represents the victim’s mental and emotional experience. For the victim, the abuse is not confined to isolated incidents; it’s an all-encompassing reality.

Breaking the Cycle

So how can you stop emotional abuse from consuming your mind? The first step is awareness—recognizing the full impact of the abuse on your mental and emotional well-being. It’s not just about the abusive incidents themselves; it’s about the ripple effects that touch every part of your life.

Steps to Reclaim Your Mind

1. Name It: Start by calling it what it is: emotional abuse. Naming it helps you see it clearly and separate it from your sense of self-worth.

2. Set Boundaries: Boundaries aren’t about controlling the abuser; they’re about protecting yourself. For example, *I won’t engage in this conversation if you’re yelling at me.*

3. Find Support: Seek help from trusted friends, support groups, or therapists who can help you process your experiences.

4. Focus on Self-Care: Replenish your energy with activities that bring you joy and peace, whether it’s journaling, walking, or spending time with supportive people.

5. Take Small Steps Toward Freedom: Leaving an abusive relationship can feel overwhelming, but even small steps—like saving money or building a support system—can help you regain independence.

Closing Thoughts

Emotional abuse may not leave visible scars, but its impact runs deep. It consumes your thoughts, your emotions, and your sense of self. But here’s the thing: you have the power to take back your mind. It starts with recognizing the abuse for what it is and taking steps, however small, to reclaim your mental and emotional space.

If this resonates with you, know that you’re not alone. Healing is possible, and you deserve a life free from the constant weight of emotional abuse. Better days are ahead, and you are strong enough to create a life filled with safety, peace, and love.

I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing.

After receiving a compliment, they immediately ask, “Are you sure you really mean that?” as if no amount of praise is ever enough.
They frequently complain about feeling unappreciated, hoping you’ll rush in to reassure them of their value.
When you don’t instantly respond to a text, they send follow-ups like, “You’re not ignoring me, right?” pressing for constant affirmation.
They may repeatedly compare themselves to others, fishing for you to say, “No, you’re doing great—you’re better than them.”
Even after accomplishing something, they’ll downplay it until you step in and emphasize how proud you are of them.

Impact:

It is emotionally exhausting, placing the burden on you to continually reassure them. This dynamic feels one-sided, leaving you drained, anxious about their reaction, and unable to focus on your own emotional well-being.

Understanding these tactics is a huge step toward breaking free from their control. By learning to identify manipulation, you can begin to rebuild your confidence and protect yourself from further harm.

Renee Swanson 11/27/24 Renee Swanson 11/27/24

Strategies for the Holiday Season When Dealing with Covert Narcissism

Navigating the holiday season after enduring covert narcissistic abuse can be emotionally challenging. Here are expert strategies to help you maintain your peace and prioritize healing during this time.

1. Set Boundaries Early and Clearly

Decide what feels safe for you: Limit contact with individuals who trigger you or who were enablers of the covert narcissist.
Practice saying "no": Prepare polite yet firm responses if you're pressured to participate in gatherings or activities that feel overwhelming.
Don’t defend yourself, you have no need for any justifications.

2. Create New Traditions

Start traditions that bring joy and meaning to you. Whether it’s a cozy movie marathon, baking your favorite treats, or volunteering, build a holiday experience that feels authentic to your healing journey.

3. Limit Exposure to Triggers

Skip the comparisons: Social media can amplify feelings of inadequacy. Take breaks or curate your feed to focus on uplifting content.
Avoid known stressors: Decline invitations or situations that may bring you into contact with toxic dynamics.

4. Prepare for Emotional Triggers

Know your triggers: Journaling or reflecting beforehand can help you identify potential challenges, such as feelings of loneliness, guilt, or anger.
Have a support plan: Schedule time to talk to a trusted friend, therapist, or support group during tough moments.

5. Focus on Gratitude and Grounding

Gratitude journaling: Write down three things you’re thankful for each day to shift focus from pain to positive moments.
Mindfulness practices: Engage in breathing exercises, meditation, or yoga to stay present and calm.

6. Avoid Over-Commitment

Keep your schedule manageable to prevent exhaustion or burnout. Prioritize only what feels right for your mental health and energy levels.

7. Build a "Holiday Support Toolkit"

Essential contacts: Keep a list of trusted friends, therapists, or hotlines for immediate support.
Comfort items: Stock up on cozy blankets, a favorite book, calming teas, or soothing music to create a comforting environment.
Distraction tools: Have activities like puzzles, crafts, or movies ready for moments when you need to refocus.

8. Acknowledge and Process Emotions

Allow yourself to grieve what was lost, whether it's a relationship, family dynamic, or an idealized holiday image. Journaling or talking with a therapist can help you process these feelings.

9. Prioritize Self-Care

Take care of your physical health with regular meals, hydration, and sleep.
Treat yourself to something special—a massage, a favorite meal, or a small gift that brings you joy.
Don’t defend yourself

10. Remember Your Progress

Reflect on how far you’ve come since breaking free from the covert narcissist’s influence. Celebrate your resilience and small wins, no matter how minor they may seem.

Make this holiday season the best one ever for yourself! As you become more free to be you, the world around you will reap the benefits too. Those you love will enjoy the real YOU!

Renee Swanson 11/23/24 Renee Swanson 11/23/24

3 Simple Steps for Boundary Setting with a Covert Narcissist

Vulnerable narcissists, often referred to as covert narcissists, cross emotional boundaries. They overstep and hit you emotionally, blaming you, guilting you, dismissing you. They have no regard for your emotional space.

Boundaries may often be crossed in ways that can be so subtle that we don’t even realize it, especially when dealing with covert narcissists. But the impact is massive! Today I want to give you 3 steps that you can take to help set better boundaries with a covert narcissist.

“You don’t even care that I’m having a bad day!”

“Why do you always try to see the bright side of things? That’s so pointless and stupid!”

“Sure, go read your book. You could be spending time with me, you know?”

After you have spent countless hours trying to support and help them.

Grandiose narcissists cross physical boundaries. They overstep and hit you physically, shoving you, grabbing you, hitting you. They have no regard for your physical space.

Now these 3 steps are not going to magically fix your relationship. They aren’t going to all of a sudden cause the covert narcissist to get it and start treating you better. These boundaries aren’t for them. These boundaries are for you. To give you the space to be the person you want to be and quit taking all these emotional hits from this abusive person in your life.

Whether this is your spouse, your parent, your adult child, your coworker, your friend…no matter the relationship, these steps create a buffer around you, creating some emotional breathing space.

Three steps

Acknowledge their feeling in a simple statement focused on them

State your boundary/feeling in a simple statement focused on you

Redirect the conversation in a simple positive direction

Why acknowledge their feelings?? Haven’t we done that enough? YES!! But this step allows you to be the compassionate and caring person you want to be. Being compassionate is about you, not them. This simple statement of, “I hear that you are upset” keeps you grounded in who you are. I no longer give them the ability to make me someone that I am not!

State your boundary? I thought we aren’t supposed to voice it to them. If you are out of the relationship, no contact, or at the very least quite distant, then this is true. However, if you are still in the marriage, in the home, co-parenting young children, then you might need to voice these boundaries. Now don’t expect the covert narcissist to automatically follow them. You aren’t voicing them for that person. You are voicing them for you. I will explain more on this as we go.

How do I redirect them? Have some safe topics, topics they like to talk about and you don’t have to really engage, topics that are easy to avoid conflict - work, current events, even ones that they feel passionate about but you are willing to not speak your opinion, their hobbies, future plans, food, cooking, nature.

Here are some specific examples of boundary violations from a covert narcissist and how to use this strategy.

1. Emotional Dumping:

You have a right to not carry their burdens or pay the price for their emotional struggles.

There is a difference between caring for someone’s struggles, supporting them, and paying a price for the struggles they have.

They dump their problems on you, anxieties and dramas. They shoot down any comfort you offer or ideas you share.

Natural boundary - with non-narcissistic people. People who have empathy recognize the way that their emotions affect those around them. They will guard against dumping their feelings all over you. While they might express some frustrations, this will be protected in some way.

They limit the amount of time this takes. They apologize for expressing their frustration. They thank you for listening and for caring. They say, “I know you can’t do anything to help this, so you don’t have to say anything. Sorry and thank you.” They don’t expect you to fix this for them. They put effort into moving on. They might voice some of their own ideas for moving forward. They listen and express gratitude for any ideas you offer.

They don’t trap you for hours in an exhausting and draining monologue, shooting down anything you say, and wallowing in self-pity pushing you to join them. So you don’t have to purposefully set a boundary with them. They already have a natural boundary within themselves.

Covert narcissists are not like this. They frequently share problems and burdens that you cannot help with and expect you to provide endless comfort. They rattle on and on about the problem, waiting for you to join them with your reactions. Waiting for you to join in their misery. If you don’t exhibit big enough reactions, they will continue seemingly forever. They never realize the drain this has on you or that maybe you don’t want to be in a bad mood too.

Covert narcissists stay in that dumping mode for extended periods of time. If you try to shift in a positive direction, they shoot you down. If you express potential solutions, they always have a reason why that won’t work or a snide remark about it. “That won’t work, that’s a dumb idea.” Aren’t you listening to me? This is so bad.”

“Why should I try to fix it? It isn’t my fault this happened.” They have no interest in putting in any effort to fix things. But they will roll around in the mud forever and drag you in with them.

You try offering encouragement or a positive perspective. They might even tell you that you just always try to see the positive in things. “What’s the point of that?!”

They might ultimately conclude, “you don’t even care that I’m having a bad day.” This after you have been actively listening to them and trying to encourage them for over an hour or several hours. And that this scenario has repeated for days on end throughout your entire relationship. They simply add you to their list of why life sucks right now. In fact, they throw you to the top of it, even though you are the one sticking around and trying to help them.

Emotional dumping from a covert narcissist puts you in a no-win situation. You are either stuck listening for hours with no way out or you get blamed for not caring enough. There is absolutely no care from them for you, your heart, and the position this dumping puts you in.

Boundary -

I hear that you are feeling down, and I do hate that for you.

I am not equipped to help you with this.

If you need some time to vent, I can give you that, for about ten minutes or so. Anymore than that makes me feel depressed and ugly inside, and I don’t care for that.

If this problem stays big for you, would you consider talking with a therapist? Would you consider talking with your co-worker on this one?

I’d love to hear about something positive that happened today.

Personal boundary -

I will not play the fixer role.

I will not jump in to be the hero.

I will let their feelings be their responsibility.

I will trust the support I offer and not feel bad for walking away.

I will not stay engaged until they are feeling better (this can keep you trapped for hours)

2. Guilt-Tripping:

They make you feel guilty for not showing them enough attention or for wanting to spend any time with your friends and family or doing activities of your own. It is normal to do activities that do not include your spouse. It is normal to have time with your other friends or with your own family. Marriage does not mean these things just disappear.

It is normal to have your own activities, such as a book club, pickleball, singing in a choir, working out in a gym, watching a movie with your friends. These are normal activities, and it is completely acceptable to do them without your spouse and without their permission.

Covert narcissists want all of your attention for them and only them. They don’t want to share you with friends, your own family, your own kids, or even your own pets.

Examples

When I went to the symphony with my friend, he told me that I never go to things with him. He was sullen and grumpy. “I wanted to take you out for your birthday” (this wasn’t even on my birthday). My birthday was still a week away. Did he take me out? No, of course not. But he sure made me feel bad for going out with my girlfriend.

Boundary -

I hear that you are feeling down.

I don’t like to feel bad for doing things with my friends.

I don’t like to feel guilty for wanting to do my own activities sometimes.

It sounds like you want to do something together, so how about we plan something for next weekend? What would you like to do?

Personal boundary -

I will not feel bad or feel guilty for doing an activity with my friend.

I will focus on my time with my friend while we are together.

I will not give my partner my mental or emotional space while enjoying this time with my friend.

When I would lay on the floor and pet the dog

He would lay his head on my lap. Take my hand from the dog and put it on his head.

He would wiggle his way between me and my dog and say, “I’m here.”

Funny thing is that he would call the dogs jealous.

Boundary -

I hear/see that you feel left out.

I don’t like to feel bad for giving my dog some love.

I would love to hear about your day. How was work?

Or are you looking forward to our upcoming holiday?

Personal boundary -

I will not change my way of interacting with my pet.

I will not allow myself to feel bad or guilty for giving my pet attention.

Taking time for me

When I would take some time to myself, to read, take a bath, watch a show, I would get passive aggressive comments such as, “Sure, go read by yourself…” “Why would you watch that? Such a waste of time.” “You could be spending time with me, you know.”

He took time to himself all the time. Playing his video games, watching movies, sleeping on the couch, all the time. While I cooked, cleaned, cared for the kids, took care of the pets, packed lunches for the next day, grocery shopped, and so on, yet anytime I took for myself to finally relax…he wanted that time for him and made these passive aggressive remarks.

Boundary -

I understand that you are feeling alone right now.

I don’t like to feel bad for taking time for myself and doing things I enjoy.

How does tomorrow night sound for some time together? What would you like to do?

Personal boundary -

I will not feel bad for taking time for myself.

I will prioritize doing things that I enjoy.

These tools can be incredibly helpful for children and teenagers in particular. Help them to learn to express their own needs and boundaries this way. This conversation might start in regards to their friends, but they will learn very valuable skills. Ultimately, they will begin to apply them to their parent. In fact, don’t be surprised if they apply them to you.

They need to practice stating these boundaries with people who are safe before they can feel comfortable enough to voice them to people who are not safe. Give them that space to practice this with you.

On that same note, as you work on boundaries, don’t start by setting boundaries with the hardest person in your life. Do these with people who will honor and respect you and your needs. You will be surprised at how easy these conversations go.

Don’t expect them to go this easy with a covert narcissist. But the extra practice will help you to stay clear on what you want to express.

I also want to be honest with you for a minute here. Do I think that this is going to magically fix this relationship you are in, absolutely not! This isn’t about fixing your marriage or your relationship with your narcissistic parent. This is about you being able to acknowledge their feelings with continued compassion, state your needs and boundaries simply and moving forward. This isn’t about finding the right way for them. It is about finding the right way for you.

I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing.

Renee Swanson 11/11/24 Renee Swanson 11/11/24

Covert Narcissists Need a Supply and a Scapegoat

Narcissistic people need two dominant things: supply and scapegoats. They need someone who cares for their every need and want. This supply feeds their ego, boosting them up, laughing at all of their jokes, hanging on every word they say, and giving them all of their attention. In addition, they need scapegoats. Nothing is ever their fault, so they need somewhere for their blame to go, all the time. Everything that has ever gone wrong in their life is to be blamed on someone or something else.

Let’s play a little game of who am I

“I want people to worship the ground I walk on. Clearly I deserve it. Everyone is thinking about me all the time. They think about what I’m doing. They think about what I want. They think about how much they want to be like me. They think about how awesome I am.”

Who am I? Would you say a narcissist?

“I want to blame everything on others. Everything is their fault. Coworkers, family, neighbors. They screwed up everything. They didn’t do anything right. They really should be thinking about how not to upset me. I can’t believe how clueless and horrible they are.”

Who am I? Again, another narcissist

“I want this one person to worship me. This one person must think about me all the time. He/She must validate me at all times, support everything I do, agree with everything I say, and think I am amazing.”

Who am I? A covert narcissist

“You are doing everything wrong. You can’t ever get anything right. You should really be glad that I am here to help you because you mess everything up all the time. Things aren’t partly your fault. They are completely your fault. You are 100% to blame for anything and everything.”

Once again, a covert narcissist

Covert narcissistic individuals zero in on one person. They become laser focused on YOU. What you are thinking, what you are doing, who you are with, and what you are saying. They have picked you out as the target of their attention and thus your whole world must now center around them. They don’t want the attention of everyone in the room, but they certainly want ALL of your attention.

In the same way, covert narcissists don’t need to blame the whole world for their problems. They have you. You become their sole scapegoat. Everything, and I mean everything, is 100% your fault. Not partly your fault, but rather completely your fault. As you naturally pull back from this painful situation, it is only a matter of time before you are no longer their supply, but you are firmly their scapegoat.

If you are out together, you must make sure you are sitting right beside them. You must be sure to hold their hand, smile at them, laugh at all their jokes, cling to every word that comes out of their mouth. They have chosen you and thus you now give up your own identity to become an extension of them.

They don’t want the attention of everyone in the room. That is the overt narcissist’s style. They don’t want/need everyone to worship them. They believe they deserve it, but they also believe that no one else realizes this. So they are a constant victim of everyone’s ignorance. So instead they just focus on one person’s attention…yours.

Overt narcissists are focused on more people and winning the attention of more people.

Covert narcissists are focused on one person and winning that one person’s full attention.

What is narcissistic supply?

I remember the first time I heard this phrase. I thought it sounded kind of harsh. I’m not a supply to him. He doesn’t see me as supply. That doesn’t make sense. Supply is something to be consumed. This is a relationship, not an economic transaction. There is no supply and demand here. At least, I didn’t think there was. Yet, the more I watched, the more I paid attention to his interactions with me, the more I realized that perhaps he did.

Maybe this was a supply and demand relationship. The transaction was an emotional transaction. I had all the supply and he had all the demand. I had the emotional care, empathy, attention, and genuineness. I had all the goods, and he brought all the demand. He brought a deficit of emotional care, empathy, attention and genuineness. He even told me once that I wasn’t allowed to pull away from him because he gets all his emotional validation from me. This was a relationship built on the concept of supply and demand. No wonder everything felt transactional. It was.

Narcissistic people need supply. Covert narcissists want one supplier, and they want all of that one supplier’s stuff. In farming terms, the consumer, the narcissist, doesn’t want to get their corn from multiple farms. They want just one supplier. But they want to then control that one supplier. I am taking all of your product, thus you will do this my way. You will run your machines the way I tell think you should. You will trim your crops the way I think you should. And you can’t give your corn to any other buyer. I am the only one for you.

So you can’t give your emotional energy to anyone else. You can’t offer your attention and care to others without it being a problem. This includes your friends, your family, even your own children. Remember, the covert narcissist doesn’t want to share you with others.

What is Narcissistic Scapegoat?

Now I said they need supply and they need a scapegoat. So let’s describe what a scapegoat is. A scapegoat is someone to blame. The definition is really that simple. Do you know where the term scapegoat comes from? This term comes from Christian literature. It comes from the Bible, the book of Leviticus. In Leviticus, the sins of the people are symbolically placed upon a goat. That goat is then released into the wilderness. It symbolically carried the weight of everyone’s sins, freeing them from the responsibility and the consequences.

The word was first used by Protestant scholar William Tyndale in the 1500s. This scholar was translating the Hebrew Bible into English. He coined the phrase scapegoat based on this ancient religious practice.

That’s a great deal for the people. You can sin all you want. When the time comes, we will lay all the sins on the goat and release the goat into the wilderness. Scapegoating has continues as a phrase today to mean laying the responsibility for your crimes, sins, bad behavior onto someone else. I blame that other person and they have to deal with the consequences. Not me. This is a great deal for the perpetrator.

How does this play out for the covert narcissist? They do the bad behavior - yell at you, rage at the kids, slam the door and lock themselves in the room, give you the silent treatment for weeks. All of this antagonistic and manipulative behavior. When they are called out on it, they blame it on you.

“If you had not spilled the milk, I wouldn’t have gotten mad and yelled at you.”

“If you hadn’t bought the wrong kind of milk, I wouldn’t have slammed the door.”

“If you hadn’t fussed at me about not picking my stuff up, I wouldn’t have raged at the kids.”

You know, everyone gets mad at times. Everyone has those moments. But not everyone yells and calls people names. Not everyone slams doors and rages at the kids. People get mad, but people have a checkpoint on their behavior. I might be mad, but if I yell at people, then they will feel bad. I don’t want them to feel bad, so I keep my behavior in check. I am concerned about the feelings of others and want to protect them. This is empathy.

Narcissistic people do not have empathy. So they do not have a checkpoint to stop their impulsive behavior. They don’t have a way to see how their behavior will affect others. We all have impulsive thoughts. That moment where you just want to scream at the person in front of you. I can’t believe you don’t understand what I am saying! How could you not get this! But not all of us act on our impulsive desires and put others down. We recognize that this will hurt that person. It will upset them and cause them to feel bad, and we don't want that. So we keep our reactions in check. This is empathy.

I want to give you an example here

Let’s say that your partner comes over to go out with you. You comment that you don’t think their shirt is fancy enough for the restaurant you are headed to. They become extremely defensive and reactive to your words. They jump in their car and aggressively drive to their apartment to change. On the way, their aggressive and erratic driving causes them to get in an accident. Now they are super mad at you. “Because you didn’t like my shirt, I got into an accident.” Wrong! You are allowed to voice your opinion about the shirt. You did not make them drive anywhere and certainly did not choose their mindset behind the wheel. Laying the blame on you is scapegoating.

This is how you fall from the pedestal in a narcissistic relationship. You are their supply. As such, you are practically worshiped. You are protected, cared for, and important. As you go through life with the CN, you pull away from the role of supplier. Maybe you realize this and maybe you don’t, but you no longer supply the covert narcissist. Well, now you become the scapegoat. Everything is your fault. It absolutely cannot be the covert narcissist’s fault.

It is time to refuse to be their goat. No more! They are responsible for their actions and behaviors, period! Not you.

I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing.

Renee Swanson 7/17/24 Renee Swanson 7/17/24

Covert Narcissists are Adult Bullies

Bullying is NOT a kid’s problem. Someone recently said to me that we deal with bullies in our childhood. Teen years, there may be a few bullies here and there, but not really. By adulthood, we are past all that kid stuff. Well, this got me to thinking. Are we really past all the bullying behavior in adulthood? I sure don’t feel like we are.

So I looked up the definition of bullying. Bullying is the use of force, coercion, hurtful teasing or threat, to abuse, aggressively dominate or intimidate. The behavior is often repeated and habitual. One essential prerequisite is the perception of an imbalance of physical or social power. This imbalance distinguishes bullying from conflict. This screams covert narcissism.

Bullying Amongst Children

We talk about bullying when it comes to our kids. Schools are adamant that it has to get stopped. Rules and regulations exist to help with this. Yet when we talk about this behavior within our marriage, people blow it off. They don’t take it seriously. They don’t believe us, or they tell us it’s no big deal. This includes attorneys and mediators. Courts tell us we can’t even talk about it.

Imagine bullying happening in a school and the principal of the school tells the student that they can’t talk about the bullying behavior. What if the principal told the victim of bullying that you can’t use words like “teasing” or “ridiculing?” It would be impossible for this victim then to truly explain what is happening.

The American Psychological Association defines bullying as a form of aggressive behavior in which someone intentionally and repeatedly causes another person injury or discomfort. Bullying can take the form of physical contact, words, or more subtle actions.

In other words, it does not have to be a physical strike in order to be defined as bullying. Words absolutely count and more subtle actions beyond that.

Teasing and name-calling is bullying.

Teasing can be what the world would call petty, trivial, or small. It might be a small joke at your expense. But if you do not want to be teased, then the behavior should stop!

It doesn’t matter whether the teasing is “in fun” or not. It doesn’t matter whether the words or name they are calling you is crude or not.

If someone does not wish to be called that name, then the behavior should stop.

If you do not wish to be joked with in this way, then the behavior should stop.

When that boundary is not honored or respected, this is a form of bullying. Covert narcissists do not honor boundaries. When you have voiced your boundary, and the other person refuses to honor it or makes fun of you for having it, this is bullying. This is an intentional choice to cause you discomfort and emotional, mental, psychological injury.

Golden Rule and covert narcissism

Let’s talk about the Golden Rule for a minute here. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

This can seem like a good model to follow, and it can be. But it can also create some problems.

If I want to be treated with respect and have my boundaries honored, then this should certainly go both ways. I should respect others and honor their boundaries. But they get to decide what those boundaries are for themselves. I don’t.

My boundaries may not work for them. If I want to be teased and called names in jest, and thus conclude that I have the “right” to do this to others whether they want it or not, then this is a misuse of that golden rule. It is not okay.

So a covert narcissist that continues calling you a name because they don’t think it is a big deal, this is a form of bullying. If your name of choice is Mary Elizabeth, and they keep calling them Beth, and you have asked you to stop, their refusal to stop is mean, disrespectful, and bullying. They don’t think it is a big deal because to them it isn’t. But to you it is, and they don’t have to understand why.

A covert narcissistic person that plays only by their own rules will decide that you are making a big deal out of nothing and that it is still okay for them to call you Beth. “What’s the harm? Why is it such a big deal? What’s wrong with you?”

Now the covert narcissist might like being called nicknames, so they continue doing this with you. The Golden Rule does not help here if it is being thought of on a shallow and superficial level. I like being called names, so I have the right to do this to others. This is imposing my own boundaries onto others.

I don’t care if the name they wish to call you is “Pumpkin,” and they think it is endearing, if you do not like it and ask them to stop, then they should stop. Each of us is allowed to decide what our own boundaries for ourselves are.

So instead of “do unto others as I want to be treated, maybe the Golden Rule should say, “Do unto others as they want to be treated.”

Public teasing

Public teasing is a very controlling form of bullying. You, as the victim of it, are trapped. If you react or speak out, it makes everyone there uncomfortable. You know that if you react, the narcissist will compound the situation. They may roll their eyes, make rude facial expressions, and ridicule their victims by mimicking or more teasing.

Those around you might try to laugh it off, in an attempt to settle the situation or to keep peace with the narcissist. One of the rules about narcissism is that the meanest one in the room gets to make the rules. The loudest one, the most vocal one, the one that makes everyone else the most uncomfortable, so everyone works to keep them content, and it comes at your expense. This is incredibly isolating in a situation where you already feel extremely isolated.

smear campaigns is bullying

Another bullying behavior is spreading rumors about someone or intentionally embarrassing someone in a public setting. Ever hear of a smear campaign?

A narcissistic smear campaign is when the narcissist attempts to discredit their target by spreading lies about them, exaggerating their faults or weaknesses, and turning others in the family and circle of friends against them. It can include discrediting them as a parent and turning the kids against them.

Covert narcissists work to control the narrative. They tell the story they want to tell, no matter how far it may be from the truth. Things get exaggerated, blown out of proportion, and taken out of context. Parts of the story get embellished, with just enough trust to confuse those listening. When a narcissist has lost control over their target, the smear campaign is often soon to follow. They are re-establishing their sense of control by working to destroy your reputation and the way others see you.

This bullying behavior works to isolate you from your support network. Your family and friends may believe the narrative of the covert narcissist and in essence turn against you. Or at the very least doubt you. Maybe they don’t entirely buy it, but it may cause them to pull back from you in order to avoid the drama. At a time when you need their support the most, the bully in your life uses their manipulative tactics to push your support away from you.

Another element of the smear campaign is that the narcissist can often play it so that they come out looking good. They tell their narrative under the guise of “just being concerned.” They will say things such as, “I’m just letting you know this because I really care.” Their supposed concern for you causes them to reach out to your family and friends “just trying to help.” But in these conversations, they air out everything you have ever done or said, out of context, with embellishments, making you look crazy, while they look like the concerned partner. You can see how this influences the perspectives of family and friends, causing them to doubt you and to pull away.

sexual forms of bullying

Other forms of bullying include inappropriate sexual comments and gestures. Just because this is your spouse or partner does not give them the right to make sexual comments that you don’t like. They might try to claim that right. They might even want you to treat them this way. But that goes back to what I was saying about the golden rule.

A narcissist’s view of the golden rule is to treat you the way they want to be treated. So because they like the crude sexual comments and gestures, they have a right to treat you this way and in fact to demand it in return.

My view of the golden rule is to respect someone the way I want to be respected. I want my boundaries honored, and I want to honor their boundaries. They get the right to define their own boundaries, just like I get the right to define mine. It’s going to look different for them, so if this is someone I care about, I want to learn what respect looks like for them, and I hope that they will do the same for me.

Power imbalance

The last piece of the definition from the American Psychological Association that I would like to address is “One essential requirement for something to be labeled as bullying - the perception of an imbalance of physical or social power. This imbalance distinguishes bullying from conflict.”

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention includes this language in their definition too. They talk about the behavior involving an observed or perceived power imbalance and is repeated multiple times or is highly likely to be repeated.”

There are some clear power imbalances that happen in life that are worth mentioning here

Being physically stronger and thus able to hurt the other person
Having more money than the other person
Having a higher social status or a stronger social network, and having the ability to turn others against the other person and to create their own tribe
Having more support from family and friends, outnumbering the other person (“they think you are to blame too”)
Having the assertiveness and confidence to initiate the behavior of making fun of the other person or engage in sophisticated, subtle forms of manipulation, simply willing to do it
Having access to embarrassing or private information

covert narcissism is not a gender issue

Whether you are dealing with a narcissist male or female, the potential for the power imbalance exists. All of these factors play into this relationship.

If you are dealing with a narcissistic parent, mom or dad, the parent/child relationship is another power imbalance that gets used against you. “I’m the mom, so you must listen to me. Clearly I know best.” Same is true of the narcissistic dad

These power imbalances come into narcissistic relationships of all sorts. Siblings, friends, coworkers, and spouses or significant others. The gender doesn’t matter! It isn’t about the gender, it is about the attitude behind their behaviors. The presumptions that they are more superior, more deserving, more special, more put-together, more confident, more worthy than you are of anything, more in control. These definitions call it a perceived power imbalance. It does NOT make it a reality. It is a perception. When you are living with a covert narcissist, it is incredibly easy to perceive that you are inferior to them. Not as smart, not as good, not as strong. They are so good at manipulating these perceptions against you.

In my eyes, narcissism is adult bullying. We have rules and laws in place against bullying, so we need rules and laws to apply to adult relationships too. This needs to be understood as bullying, with detrimental impacts on the victims, even adult victims. I am calling for courts and attorneys to hear this. It is time to stop the bullying! It is time to stop letting the bullies win!

I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing!

Renee Swanson 7/6/24 Renee Swanson 7/6/24

His trauma became our trauma

Trauma causes people to make changes in the way they interact with their world. Safety is a perception. When we experience trauma, our system will work hard to re-establish a perceived sense of safety. What behaviors do we pick up then in response to this trauma?

Imagine a 7 year old child that has a Dad for a bully. He yells and rages, intimidating everyone. His demands are exceptional with no room for mistakes. When asked a question, you have to carefully choose your words. Working hard to not upset him. If you answer the “wrong” way, he blows up at you and maybe even strikes you. You are always worried about upsetting him. Talking to him is not safe.

Mom is a peacemaker, trying hard to tiptoe around dad and keep everyone happy. She runs interference as much as she can between you and your dad. Thus, Dad’s anger is often directed at her. He pushes her, hits her, and even throws her against a wall. This is not an environment that promotes a feeling of safety. Even if this only happens once in a while, that feeling of safety will not coexist with this.

Going to bed at night is not safe. Their arguments in the middle of the night shock you out of a deep sleep. You are startled by the yelling and slamming of doors. You try to hide under your covers and drown out the sound with your pillow, but this does not work. Then, in the wee hours of the morning, dad drags you out of bed and forces you to pick who is right. Forcibly standing you between himself and mom, he demands an answer from you.

“Mom said this…I think that…Who is right?” The silence is deafening! All you can hear is your heart pounding out of your chest. Your mind is spinning in a thousand directions. How many answers can you consider in a moment’s span of time? You clearly don’t feel safe and you shouldn’t. Your feelings are quite valid.

The Effects of dealing with Trauma

Let’s go back to this 7 year old child. There is not a perceived sense of safety around dad. But this is the living situation and a daily part of this child’s life. Living without a feeling of safety is horrendous. Our system will work in overdrive to re-establish a sense of safety.

So what behaviors does this 7 year old child learn?

When standing between the parents, dad demanding that you pick sides and mom in horrified tears, you learn to control and manipulate your words. You can’t choose between mom and dad. Nor should you have to, but here you are. “I need to protect mom, and I need to not upset dad.” Let the tap dancing begin. You learn to circle the conversation around to avoid taking sides. You learn to skirt the issues. You learn to appease with empty words. You learn to say what is needed to get the job done and to get yourself out of the situation.

In your daily life at home, when dad is excessively angry, demanding, and aimed at you, what does 7 year old you learn? You learn that communication is not safe. You learn that being vulnerable is dangerous, especially around people who are supposed to love you and care for you. You learn to take care of yourself and to avoid dad’s feelings. You learn to use your words in order to figure out what dad wants to hear so he will stop talking. You learn to manipulate words and to dodge any responsibility. You learn that it isn’t safe to be genuine and spontaneous. You learn that you cannot trust the words of your loved one, and that you cannot trust their intentions.

What about mom in this picture?

Mom pretends that everything is okay. She so badly wants everything to be ok that she overcompensates for dad’s behavior. She convinces herself and this 7 year old child that everything is fine. From a genuine desire to offset the damage being done, she praises this child for everything they do.

What does 7 year old you learn from mom?

How to pretend that everything is fine. How to forget about any of the problems and pretend they didn’t happen. How to just move on in life. This lays the foundation for abuse amnesia. Ever heard of that? It’s when the abusive behavior seems to just vanish. It disappears into thin air. It went to never never land. Never to be talked about again. Never to be brought up. Never to be resolved.

In never never land, we just seem to return to this weird place of okayness. Things are just okay. Everything moves forward with some sort of normalcy. You’re looking around wondering if anyone else saw that. Wondering what happened to the issue that we just survived, where did it go? Do I dare to bring it up again? NOPE. If they can pretend that it didn’t happen, then so can I. We join them on the journey to Never Never Land.

This 7 year old gets older. I would say that they grow up, or do they? If they do not have the emotional support to face this trauma, to voice it, to process it, then this trauma carries forward. It gets passed onto others.

What children of covert narcissists’ learn

Remember what this child learned

to manipulate conversations in order to keep themselves safe
to skirt the issues and say whatever is needed to get out of the situation
to dodge responsibility and accountability
to not trust
that vulnerability isn’t safe and should be avoided at all costs
to forget about the bad behavior as quickly as possible
to pretend like everything is fine
to live in Never Never Land

These learned behaviors that served the purpose of keeping them safe become a part of their everyday life. This becomes how they interact, especially with those closest to them, the ones that make them feel vulnerable. In trying to survive and avoid this trauma, they simply carry the effects of it into the lives of their own family. As an adult, they believe that it is a thing of the past and that it stayed in the past. In reality, it is very much so a thing of their present and will continue into their future. And they don’t even realize it.

Imagine a young driver has had a car accident and quickly learned to be tense as a driver. In the car, they are reactive to everyone around them. They yell at their own kids for any tiny noise or distraction in the vehicle. These kids learn that being in the car isn’t safe, so they become tense in the vehicle. As they grow up and become young drivers, the tension and reactiveness carries on with them. Their own hypervigilance creates an unsafe situation, creating the very problem the parent is trying to avoid. This parent’s trauma becomes their child’s trauma.

The covert narcissist’s wall of self-protection

Narcissistic traits are a form of self-protection from traumas that one has experienced. If these were during childhood, this is before a child is old enough to have coping skills in place to handle trauma. They rely completely on the reactive survival instincts. If this is within their own home, from their caregivers, then normalizing this behavior is also happening. They think that every home is like their home, every family is like their family. They believe that that is normal and how everyone interacts. Thus these survival skills are here to stay!

My husband’s childhood was filled with trauma. Yes, he had some good times. There were pleasant memories in his past. However, there were some extremely traumatic ones too. His father was aggressive, antagonistic, abrasive, and abusive. To both my husband and his mom. At a very young age, life became not safe for my husband. Thus he put survival tactics in place.

A defensive wall to hide behind, a facade to make him look good and hide his internal self, manipulating others to get his way, making sure that nothing was his fault, skirting responsibilities, and passing the blame. This left me and the kids feeling distant and hurt. His defensive wall left gaping holes in our relationships. No way to be close to him. No way to be vulnerable around him. No way to be spontaneous and genuine. Instead, we felt like everything was our fault, carrying all the blame. So the very thing that he was protecting himself against as a child is exactly what he created in adulthood. It is self-sabotaging, and I don’t think he had any idea.

His trauma became our trauma.

This is why it is so crucial to do some trauma healing, for yourself and then learn to help your children. I have recently become certified in trauma coaching. I do offer individual trauma-informed coaching. It’s time to help our kids while they are still young. It’s time to break these cycles. I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing.

Renee Swanson 6/5/24 Renee Swanson 6/5/24

7 Ways that a Covert Narcissist Reacts

Have you ever called a covert narcissist out for something they have done? How did that go? One of the most frustrating things ever is to try to get a covert narcissist to take any responsibility or to even listen to you in the first place. When you try to talk with them regarding how you feel about something they did, you can expect a large amount of pushback. Here are 7 ways that a covert narcissist reacts.

1. covert narcissists often react with Instant frustration, anger and indignation.

While covert narcissists may be extremely patient when they are grooming you to be their target, they are not known for their patience once you have been hooked and moved past their love bombing phase. At this point, your feelings become a huge inconvenience to them. So when you are trying to express your own feelings over something they did or didn’t do, they can instantly become frustrated, defensive and indignant.

You have had repeated conversations asking them to be responsible for the kitchen trash. When the can is full, please take care of it. They may even agree to do it, but it gets repeatedly overlooked. Or they just continue to push it down, knowing you can squeeze in just a little bit more. You finally give in and have been doing it yourself multiple times along with all the other housework you are doing.

You say - “Hey, would you just take the trash out when the can is full, like you said you would?”

They fire back - “I told you I would! I’ll take care of it! You don’t have to be so demanding!”

With little to no consideration of your feelings, they rear up at the supposed unfair treatment they are receiving. Lacking the ability to see anything from your perspective, you are met with extreme resistance. They do not realize that they are not seeing things from your perspective. In fact, they often will tell you that they are. However, their approach to it is not to see how you feel in your shoes, it is to know how they would feel in your shoes.

It isn’t me, with my background, my experiences, my knowledge, my fears, my desires putting myself in someone else’s shoes. It is their background, their experiences, their knowledge, their fears and their desires, seeing it from their shoes. Covert narcissists cannot do this even a little. So your feelings remain a frustrating mystery to them.

2. Covert Narcissists Use Gaslighting

Pretend that whatever you're accusing them of never happened, you're just being dramatic or you heard it wrong or you're just plain old crazy. This is their list of excuses. “I never said that I would take out the trash.” Causes you to start defending yourself, your memory and your perception. In essence, your reality.

They trivialize what they said or did or didn’t do, making you feel like you are making a big deal out of nothing. “You’re upset about that? Come on, really? You know, Joe never does that for his wife. Or you know, my dad was way worse than this.”

This gaslighting causes you to defend yourself, fighting to validate that you have a right to be upset, that what they did hurt you and you are allowed to express that.

Another form of gaslighting is to change the subject. “How about you cleaning up the living room? You know, I go to work all day long and just want to relax at night. Do you know I had 4 meetings today? You wouldn’t believe how hard I worked.” Now, you are in a conversation about work and the trash disappears from sight. Forcing you to be the bad guy if you want to hold them accountable. Causes you to defend your right to be heard, your right for your feelings to matter.

The passive aggressive ways of a covert narcissist manipulate others without them knowing it. We become defensive and don’t even notice the switch. Then we are frustrated with ourselves for being defensive. We might even spend a period of time believing that our own defensiveness is the problem.

3. Covert Narcissists Flip the Script.

Covert narcissists are experts at turning the conversation around to how the way you feel is how they feel and that you're not listening to their feelings. They turn themselves into a victim of YOU because you're so mean.

You say, “I feel like I do all the work around the house, and I really don’t want to have to remind you about the trash.” Not being able to relate to your feelings at all or validate them in any way, they now focus entirely on their own feelings. “I don’t know why you have to remind me all the time. You know I will take care of it. I sure wish you would just trust me more. You know it really hurts my feelings that you don’t trust me. It feels so mean, and I’m so sensitive to that. I think I need to lie down.”

Saying that you have caused them harm and showing that they are hurt implies that you now need to fix the problem. You need to put in the effort. This is on you.

4. Covert Narcissists use Self-Deprecation.

They start saying things like "I'm sorry I'm such a loser and nothing I ever do is good enough for you". “I guess I can’t do anything right.” “Why did you ever marry someone as bad as me?” “I don’t deserve you.” “You should leave me. I should be alone forever.”

Triggers your compassionate side, and you start telling them how they are wrong in these statements. Your empathic nature causes you to see how your words may have hurt them and triggered such deep feelings of worthlessness. You clearly don’t want that, and now you feel bad about it. So you work overtime to fix this.

5.Covert Narcissists Us Rage Tactics.

Covert narcissists will pitcha little tantrum maybe by throwing something or slamming a door, maybe stomping their feet. This is attention seeking behavior.

Maybe they take out the trash, but they aggressively move the can around, slamming the lid, hitting the wall with it, slamming the door on the way out. They might stomp around in the kitchen or isolate in a room and slam the door. They are mad at you for not giving them the respect they believe they deserve, for not valuing them more, for suggesting they are less than perfect. How dare you tell me to take the trash out! How dare you remind me as though I’m not capable of doing it myself! Even though they have forgotten for the last month. They feel rejected. They feel called out or put on display.

6. Covert Narcissists Sulk and Pout

Covert narcissists will sulk around the house. They are clearly so wounded by your unreasonable demands and expectations. They will come get in the middle of whatever you are doing and pout. Might as well put that lower lip out. Shoulders droop, big sighs

Narcissistic collapse occurs when a narcissistic person can no longer maintain their superior image, when they cannot maintain their confidence in who they believe they are. The threat coming from the inside of them as they lose their own grip of their image is too much, and they experience an extreme emotional response. This can happen when they feel that the world no longer sees them as the person they want to be seen as. If they believe that the world sees them as strong, confident, even caring and something threatens this, they will fight that. They will go through these various stages to some extent. If they reach a point that they can no longer hold onto that image, a narcissistic collapse is a real possibility.

Signs of a narcissistic collapse

Addictive behaviors - drinking, gambling, sex

Self-harming behaviors - reckless driving, overeating, cutting,

Increased irritability, sensitivity, angry outbursts, anxiety

7. Covert Narcissist use the silent treatment.

Covert narcissists often go silent for days on end, avoiding you, and ignoring you. Some withdraw hard, while others stay in your space and make a show of not talking to you

Another form of silent treatment is to never talk about this problem again. In fact, they can wake up the next morning as though nothing ever happened and move right on with life. This is what some call abuse amnesia. this is when they act like everything is fine, ignore the problem, no accountability and no reconciliation. So while they may be talking to you, they certainly are not talking about the problem, the way they have treated you.

People with narcissistic personality disorder do not recognize their role in the situation. They do not self-reflect and thus do not realize or acknowledge in any way how they have hurt you. They just don’t see it. They very well may not realize that they are acting the way that they are. But they also do not have it within themselves to listen to you when you are trying to explain it to you. They don’t hear it from your perspective or with any attempt to give you your own perspective. They hear you only from their own perspective.

This is a perspective full of competitiveness, jealousy, manipulativeness, guard up, self-preservation. They only see from this perspective. As an empathic person, I can see how that perspective would cause me to treat people with contempt, distrust, and sharpness. I can see that, and I think it is horrible. I certainly cannot relate to continuously living life that way. Nor do I ever want to. I choose openness, trust, kindness and gentleness.

Don’t ever confuse kindness for weakness. In fact, it takes great strength and courage to remain kind in this world.

Renee Swanson 6/5/24 Renee Swanson 6/5/24

The Emotional Dysregulation of a Covert Narcissist

I’m mad! So I yell at you, punch the wall, storm off, stomp my feet, shove the chair, and slam the bedroom door! I don’t care that you don’t like it! I don’t care that you now feel bad. In fact, I’m going to wait in my room until you come and apologize to me! Who am I?

I'm a 2 year old toddler throwing a fit, or a teenager dealing with hormones, social anxiety, and overwhelming schoolwork, or a full-grown adult covert narcissist.

How do you handle the situation?

For the 2 year old, you parent them. You take away their favorite toy, have them take a time out, and let them know that this behavior is not okay. You talk with them about emotions. Help them to learn how to handle being angry, and tell them that you love them.

For the teenager, you probably ground them. Take away their phone and the car, can’t spend time with their friends. Cancel their fun events. And encourage them to make amends. You talk with them about how their behaviors affect those around them, trying to help them to see outside of themselves. And you try to connect with them and you tell them that you love them.

For the adult covert narcissist, you tiptoe around them. Figure out what set them off and add that to your checklist of things to make sure never happen again. After countless attempts of trying to connect with them, resulting only in circular conversations, you instead wait for this behavior to disappear, for the abuse amnesia to set in, and you both pretend that it never happened.

The problem is this behavior is the same from a 2 year old, to a teenager, to a full-grown adult. As such, it is understandable from a toddler, expected from a teenager, and shocking from an adult.

What is Emotional Regulation?

When asked what is emotional regulation and how do you teach it to your children, let’s start by identifying what it is not.

It is not spilling your emotions all over the other person
It is not when someone is experiencing negative emotions and thus treats the people around them with sharpness, blame, rage, entitled anger, yelling, slamming doors, and breaking things. This is like kicking the dog because you are mad.
It’s not, “I’m mad, so I can do whatever I want. You better get out of my way.”

This is entitlement. While everyone does have a right to get angry at times, this does not give you the right to stomp all over everyone else’s feelings, to behave like a 2 year old or a hormonal teenager.

Emotional regulation also is not the sulking victim mode. Being cold and distant, using the silent treatment. Sulking around, dropping self-care, disassociating, addictions. Being defensive and hypersensitive. This also leads to the people around you walking on eggshells to keep you happy. Going out of their way to meet your needs and expectations to avoid the painfulness of your cold and harsh attitude.

So what does healthy emotional regulation actually look like?

Let’s look at it first in you and then you can work on teaching this to your children. You cannot teach this to your children if you don’t know how to do it yourself. You have to put your own oxygen mask on first and then help you child.

You may have heard of the saying “Do as I say, not as I do.” That really doesn’t work in parenting. You can’t tell them to spend less time on electronics, while your nose is in your phone all the time. They will do as you do, not as you say. You can’t tell them to treat others with respect while you walk all over people and treat them with disdain. This won’t help your kids to learn courtesy and respect.

You can say whatever you want. Your words mean nothing if you aren’t listening to them yourself. Don’t try to teach emotional regulation to your kids while you are emotionally dysregulated. So let’s start with you!

Identify your emotions

It starts with learning to identify your own emotions and admit them to yourself. Give yourself the permission to be human! Use the emotions wheel. Work on understanding how you are feeling. Don’t just ignore the chemistry that is going on inside of you. Instead, work with it and make peace with it.

Say things like, “I am overwhelmed today. Life feels heavy, scary, uncertain. This feels horrible to me. I really just want to take a break from the weight of it.”

Or “I feel really optimistic today. I am hopeful for what is coming, eager and motivated to move forward. This feels good to me.”

Everyday or most days write down how you are feeling in 2-3 sentences. Get used to acknowledging your feelings. Start verbalizing them. Tell them to a few trusted friends or family members.

Now, Help Your children

Help them to do these same things, especially after you have a little practice at it. Encourage them to write them down in a couple of sentences of their own. Give your kids an emotions pillow, keychain, or poster. Talk through all the different emotions on it. Get them a journal to use. Encourage them to write about their own feelings too. Identifying the emotions and learning to read them is a starting point. Now what do we do with them?

Express your Emotions

Learning to express your emotions in a healthy way is extremely important, both for you and those around you. What does it mean to express your emotions? Let’s begin again by looking at what it is not.

Not expressing your emotions is not emotional regulation. There is a misconception here and I want to address it here. Emotional regulation doesn’t mean don’t ever be emotional. We seem to put this expectation on ourselves. We over-regulate, putting a huge cap on our own emotions, shoving everything inside and bottling it all up.

In fact, we often praise people for being able to stay silent and controlled, swallowing their feelings, remaining stoic. They are so mature and capable. It’s like their feelings don’t exist.

This isn’t healthy and it isn’t sustainable. You become like a psychological grenade, just waiting to explode or implode. This can manifest as either or both physical issues and mental struggles.

Many victims of covert narcissistic abuse think that they are managing the situation really well by keeping their thoughts and feelings to themselves. Swallowing their own feelings, they stay silent. Anything else is too risky. Yes, this is a timebomb waiting to go off. And it doesn’t do our kids any favors.

Exercise for Emotional Expression

So how do we express our emotions in healthy ways? Write down each of the main emotions, happy, sad, angry, fearful. Under each one, write a few ways to express that emotion.

Happy

Sing and dance
Go for a walk
Call a friend

Sad

Curl up in bed with a stuffed animal
Hold you dog or cat
Have a good cry

Angry

Go outside and let out a scream
Hit your pillow or a workout bag
Go for a run
Spend time alone

Fearful

Call a friend and tell them about your fear
Listen to comforting music
Pray or meditate

As you get better at this, start including the more refined emotions, such as anxious, busy, vulnerable, or distant. Do this same activity with your kid. Help them make their own list. It can and should be different from yours. There are no right or wrong answers here. Learning to express your own emotions is an individual journey. Even for our young ones. Encourage them to be creative.

Healthy Expression of your emotions

Healthy expression of your emotions does not always come out calm and peaceful. It isn’t always controlled and mature. Sometimes it needs to be explosive and seemingly out of control. This is healthy, but must be done in a way that doesn’t stomp all over those around us. For example, you may have a strong emotional reaction to your child not being ready to walk out the door on time. You are so frustrated with this repeated offense, and you just want to get moving. You don’t start screaming at them, threatening them, grabbing them. You might tell them to meet you in the car, walk out ahead of them, get in the car, and let out a frustrated scream alone. You aren’t losing your mind. You aren’t going crazy. It is okay for you to have an emotional response to the situation. You don’t have to be stoic and unreactive, showing extreme patience, chasing away your own feelings. Instead, acknowledge how you feel, name it, express it, feel it and process it.

There is nothing easy about this walk, especially when you are in a narcissistic relationship. But you can do this! It gets easier too, the more you do it. Especially when you begin to see and feel the benefits. Reconnecting your head and heart back together is a significant part of the recovery from cognitive dissonance. Your heart already has its feelings. Help your mind to get on board with it. I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing.

Renee Swanson 5/27/24 Renee Swanson 5/27/24

Emotional Childishness and Covert Narcissism

Professionally Reviewed by Psychotherapist Ross Rosenberg, M. Ed., LCPC, CADC

Will they ever grow up?? Am I dealing with a child or an adult? Sometimes I really am not sure. I feel like I have three children, my two by birth and my spouse! Covert narcissists grow physically, mentally, and even socially, but not emotionally.

Professionally reviewed by psychotherapist Ross Rosenberg, M. Ed., LCPC, CADC

Will they ever grow up?? Am I dealing with a child or an adult? Sometimes I really am not sure. I feel like I have three children, my two by birth and my spouse!

Covert narcissists grow physically, mentally, and even socially. They look like an adult. They have adult responsibilities. They have a job. They have kids. They function socially as an adult. But emotionally they are NOT an adult. Their emotional growth seems to never have made it out of childhood. They are an emotional child trapped in an adult’s body and trying to function in an adult’s world. Let’s look at some of the signs of emotional childishness that is portrayed with covert narcissism.

Defensiveness

Narcissistic behaviors are quite self-protective and defensive. The patterns of behavior are formed to ward off feelings of being unloved and feelings of shame. Their own experiences in childhood of emotional abuse or emotional neglect in some way caused these patterns to develop. These behaviors are detrimental not only to those around them, but to themselves as well. It is these very patterns that get in their way when it comes to personal growth.

These defensive behaviors are adopted to protect themselves from negative feedback from others. But not just from others. It also protects themselves from their own internal dialogue, their own thoughts and feelings.

Blaming

Young children will often look to blame someone else. When they have been caught doing something they shouldn’t, they are quick to say, “But she did it first,” pointing at their friend, sibling, or classmate. Or you might be correcting one child for hitting the other with a pencil. The one you are correcting aggressively states, “But he looked at me mean.” Children learn at a very young age that it feels better to have someone else to put the blame on. Someone else to carry the burden with them or for them.

As children grow emotionally and become healthy adults, they learn that it is okay to not be perfect. It is okay to make mistakes and thus to be corrected. They no longer need someone or something to pass all the blame onto. Instead of blaming, they look to fix the problem. They don’t need a scapegoat anymore. But covert narcissists do. They still need somewhere for that blame to go in order to take the pressure off of themselves. This is a carry over from childhood.

One evening, my husband spilled some water from his cup on the kitchen floor. It was no big deal, and I was in the process of wiping it up. I said, “You spilled some water on the floor.” He sharply responded, “I don’t do that! It must have been the dogs.”

What?? The dogs? Really? And exactly how did they put all this water on the floor?

He had simply spilt some water. This was no big deal. Why could he not just admit that? No one was mad or upset about it. But he had to have someone to blame.

A non-defensive adult would say something like, “Oh? I didn’t notice that I did, but maybe. Sorry about that.” They don’t look for something to blame, but rather they work to fix the problem. They realize that they have nothing to defend. Thus there is no reason to blame.

Lying

Young children often lie to get out of or stay out of trouble.

“I didn’t do it.” “It wasn’t me.”

“He started it.” Which works both as blaming and lying whenever it isn’t true

“They said I could.” When they get caught doing something they shouldn’t be doing.

Grownups should NOT be using this childish tactic to get out of trouble.

You make plans for them to pick the kids up because you have a meeting and they don’t show up. You call to find out where they are, and they immediately say, “I didn’t know you had a meeting today.” Yet you know full well that they did.

You are frustrated that they are laying in bed playing games on their phone for over an hour instead of helping around the house. But when you speak up about it, they immediately respond, “I fell asleep.” But you know they did not.

It is fairly normal behavior for kids to try to lie their way out of something, but not a full grown adult. Grown ups deal with reality, facing the truth rather than lying their way out of it.

Name Calling

Ever heard kids yell names at each other?

“You're mean.”

“Well, you're ugly.”

“Well, you’re stupid.”

“Well, you’re fat.”

Every adult around knows that this isn’t going to go anywhere, at least not anywhere good.

Non-antagonistic adults do not resort to name-calling, but covert narcissists certainly do.

When you are trying to have an adult conversation with them, trying to explain your feelings, and maybe even trying to explain to them how they hurt you so you can reconcile together, yet they turn to name-calling.

“You’re lazy.”

“You’re bossy.”

“You’re a @@#$^$”

“You’re a narcissist!”

The victims of covert narcissism are often the ones tap dancing around their partner’s feelings. They are trying to explain how the partner’s behavior is narcissistic without actually saying that word. They are trying to talk ever so gently, finding the right magical words that won’t be too painful, and still caring for that partner’s feelings. While in the meantime, the narcissistic partner is yelling at them, “You’re a narcissist!” The one calling names is often the one who is not self-reflecting and not being cooperative. Mature adults do not make these attacks on people’s personal traits. They do not disrespect others in this way.

Impulsivity

Children lash out impulsively when they are hurt or mad. When someone accidentally bumps into them, they are quick to push and shove back. They speak and act recklessly, without a pause button that allows them to think through the situation and the potential consequences of their actions or words. Mature adults however have this pause button. They can calm themselves, regulate their emotions, and make non-impulsive decisions.

Covert narcissists lash out impulsively. If they perceive that you have hurt them or slighted them in any way, they believe that they are immediately justified to act out in any way they choose. They truly enjoy “teaching you a lesson.” If you borrow their pen without asking, they are now going through the entire house collecting all the pens and putting them on their desk. If you forget to turn the light off, they are now turning all the lights in the house on to “make a point.”

Need to be the center of attention

Have you ever tried to have dinner with adults and have adult conversation with a two year old at the table? How did it go? How was the discussion? Were you able to maintain the adult conversations? Probably not. This young child needs to be the center of attention. Everyone is responding to them. Everyone is focused on them. When you aren’t, the 2-year old will demand to be the center of your attention. “Hey, look at this. Watch what I can do.” This is very normal behavior for a two year old.

But what about your covert narcissistic partner? Ever try to have an adult conversation with someone else while your partner is there? How did that go? If the conversation has nothing to do with them, they will make sure that they are sabotaging your conversation. They will put themselves right into the middle of it all the time. While you are talking with your friend, they will interject themselves. You might be talking about something that the covert narcissist knows nothing about, but that doesn’t matter. “Oh! I know what you mean,” they state. “I had that happen the other day…” And off they go, all about some piece of their life that may or may not have anything to do with your actual conversation.

Inability to self-reflect

Covert narcissistic people cannot honestly and consistently self-reflect. They cannot put their defenses down long enough to do so. Self-reflection is checking in with yourself about how you are feeling. Asking yourself how others are responding to you. Taking a look at whether what you are doing is successful or not. This takes work, effort, and the ability to be vulnerable.

The insecurities within a covert narcissistic person causes their defenses to be incredibly strong. Putting these defenses down would bring a vulnerability that they simply cannot handle. Without the ability to be vulnerable, one cannot be open and honest with themselves. Thus they cannot self-reflect.

Children lack the ability to self-reflect because of their age and lack of life experiences. They do not yet have the time put in on life that will help them to develop emotional maturity. That is not their fault. They need time, experience and consistent love and support. When a full-grown adult lacks the ability to self-reflect, this is a totally different scenario. This lack of self-reflection will greatly hinder their ability to grow and mature.

So when you feel like you are dealing with a child, in some ways, you are. It is not your job to teach a full-grown adult how to play nicely with others. Not only is it not your job, it also isn’t possible. I mean think about it, your partner is an adult. Do you suppose by now in their life, there have been others who have tried to teach them to grow up? How many people do you suppose have tried to help them or express how their actions and words hurt? By the time they are an adult and even a parent of kids themselves, it is very clear that they don’t want to change. Why would they? Growing up is tough. Look at all the work and effort it is taking on your part. But it is SO worth it! You are stronger than you know and have so many wonderful days ahead of you! I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing.

REVIEW: “EMOTIONAL CHILDISHNESS AND COVERT NARCISSISM” BY RENEE SWANSON

Renee Swanson’s article, titled “Emotional Childishness and Covert Narcissism,” offers a clear and powerful example of how a child’s attachment experience influences their adult personality development.

Ms. Swanson illustrates how the behavior of adults diagnosed with covert narcissism, a subtype of narcissistic personality disorder, clearly show how their problematic and harmful tendencies in relationships can be directly linked to their childhood upbringing.

Typical behind-the-scenes symptoms of covert narcissism, such as impulsivity, attention-mongering, blaming, dishonesty, and others, can accurately be traced backward to coping strategies and defense mechanisms forged in a crucible of profound abuse, neglect, deprivation, and/or abandonment.

Thus, as highlighted by Ms. Swanson, in order to grasp the nature of a covert narcissist, it is helpful to conceptualize it as an interaction with a troubled child.

By gaining a deeper understanding of individuals like this, one can develop realistic expectations regarding the covert narcissist’s harmful behavior without inadvertently encouraging them to persist or intensify their mistreatment. A person intending to survive and escape the relationship forged with a covert narcissist will appreciate Ms. Swanson’s keen insights.

Ross Rosenberg, M. Ed., LCPC, CADC

Psychotherapist

Renee Swanson 5/19/24 Renee Swanson 5/19/24

The Emotional Dysregulation of a Covert Narcissist

When asked what is emotional regulation and how do you teach it to your children, let’s start by identifying what it is not. It is not spilling your emotions all over the other person. It is not when someone is experiencing negative emotions and thus treats the people around them with sharpness, blame, rage, entitled anger, yelling, slamming doors, and breaking things. This is like kicking the dog because you are mad. It’s not, “I’m mad, so I can do whatever I want. You better get out of my way.”

I'm a 2 year old toddler throwing a fit, or a teenager dealing with hormones, social anxiety, and overwhelming schoolwork, or a full-grown adult covert narcissist.

How do you handle the situation?

The problem is this behavior is the same from a 2 year old, to a teenager, to a full-grown adult. As such, it is understandable from a toddler, expected from a teenager, and shocking from an adult.

What is Emotional Regulation?

When asked what is emotional regulation and how do you teach it to your children, let’s start by identifying what it is not.

It is not spilling your emotions all over the other person
It is not when someone is experiencing negative emotions and thus treats the people around them with sharpness, blame, rage, entitled anger, yelling, slamming doors, and breaking things. This is like kicking the dog because you are mad.
It’s not, “I’m mad, so I can do whatever I want. You better get out of my way.”

So what does healthy emotional regulation actually look like?

Identify your emotions

Say things like, “I am overwhelmed today. Life feels heavy, scary, uncertain. This feels horrible to me. I really just want to take a break from the weight of it.”

Or “I feel really optimistic today. I am hopeful for what is coming, eager and motivated to move forward. This feels good to me.”

Everyday or most days write down how you are feeling in 2-3 sentences. Get used to acknowledging your feelings. Start verbalizing them. Tell them to a few trusted friends or family members.

Now, Help Your children

Express your Emotions

In fact, we often praise people for being able to stay silent and controlled, swallowing their feelings, remaining stoic. They are so mature and capable. It’s like their feelings don’t exist.

This isn’t healthy and it isn’t sustainable. You become like a psychological grenade, just waiting to explode or implode. This can manifest as either or both physical issues and mental struggles.

Exercise for Emotional Expression

So how do we express our emotions in healthy ways? Write down each of the main emotions, happy, sad, angry, fearful. Under each one, write a few ways to express that emotion.

Happy

Sing and dance
Go for a walk
Call a friend

Sad

Curl up in bed with a stuffed animal
Hold you dog or cat
Have a good cry

Angry

Go outside and let out a scream
Hit your pillow or a workout bag
Go for a run
Spend time alone

Fearful

Call a friend and tell them about your fear
Listen to comforting music
Pray or meditate

Healthy Expression of your emotions

Renee Swanson 5/10/24 Renee Swanson 5/10/24

Apology Dodging of a Covert Narcissist

I have never met anyone better at dodging apologizing than a narcissist. They are experts at it. Their sense of superiority causes them to never feel that they are in the wrong. Other “inferior” individuals are always to blame. So for them to apologize requires that they lower themselves to an equal or lesser plane than others. This is something that they simply cannot do! They will tap dance, side step, spin in a circle, and stand on their heads. But they will NOT apologize, at least not in any real and genuine way.

Apology Dodging - “Here we go again!”

Never getting a genuine apology in an intimate relationship is painful and debilitating.

If you are dealing with a covert narcissist, you will never feel like they actually care about how they make you feel. They never seem to notice or acknowledge how they hurt you. They don’t care when you try to tell them. You will never receive a genuine and sincere apology from them. Instead, they will use all sorts of manipulative tactics to distract you and confuse you. Here are some examples:

THE CIRCLE APOLOGY

With a circle apology, a covert narcissist starts by actually apologizing. The words, “I’m sorry” come out of their mouth. However, they don’t stop there. By the time they are done talking, you are far from that apology. The circular conversation you are now in circles endlessly and you find that you are the one on the defense. You are under attack and feel like everything was and is your fault. The next thing you know you are apologizing to them. You don’t even know how you got here or what you are really apologizing for.

The initial apology may seem extremely genuine. You feel relieved that they see their wrongdoing and are taking responsibility for it. So you relax. Then bam! They flip the entire thing around. You are now defended every thought you have ever had, every word you ever uttered, everything you have ever done, and so on. Somehow this misunderstanding, all misunderstandings, are always your fault. Not just partially your fault, but completely your fault.

How in the world did we get here? You may even find yourself apologizing to them for something that they did.

THE VICTIM APOLOGY

A covert narcissist will apologize if they feel they can gain some leverage from it. As I have already said, the words “I’m sorry” can be very effective at bringing your guard down. Once said, now the covert narcissist can proclaim, “I said I was sorry. I’m such a horrible person!” and follow this with the victim role.

When the abusive and manipulative behaviors continue over and over again for years, the apologies are meaningless. Yet the covert narcissist will wear them like a badge of honor. They might say something like, “I said I was sorry. It isn’t my fault that you won’t forgive me.” Or “Everyone makes mistakes. Am I not allowed to?” The lack of remorse and lack of genuine apology leave you never feeling cared for or heard. Their fake “I’m sorry” is their Get Out of Jail Free card.

THE PARTIAL APOLOGY

The covert narcissist may apologize for one piece of what happened but not another, maybe more significant part. “I will take credit for saying this. I’m sorry for that. But not this other. I didn’t do that.” Giving an apology for one piece makes them seem more credible. Why would I apologize for this and yet lie about that? It allows them to dodge the other piece.

“I said I was sorry for the things I did. But I didn’t do this other part. If I’m willing to apologize for these other things, then why would I refuse to apologize for this one? It has to show that I didn’t do that one.” Keeping something back keeps them in charge and feeling superior.

THE ABUSIVE APOLOGY

“I’m sorry, but…” They need to tell you more of the situation. Covert narcissists often need to help you to better understand. If they are not yet feeling in control of the situation, then clearly you don’t understand the whole scenario yet. If you are not yet apologizing to them, putting them on a more superior plane than you, then they cannot let it go. This can go on for hours at a time or even for days.

They will continue to add more fuel to the fire. Moving past it and moving on with your life is impossible. If they do not feel satisfied with how the current conversation went, I assure you that they will be back. Be ready for rounds 2, 3, and 4. More realistically be ready for rounds 18, 19, and 20!

Similar to the circle apology, these abusive apologies put things back on you. Unlike the more subtle circle apology, these are a direct attack and immediately put you on the defense. There is nothing subtle about them.

I’m sorry, but you overreact to everything anyway.
I’m sorry that you think I said that. You can’t remember anything right.
I’m sorry that you heard me wrong. Can’t you ever listen?
I’m sorry, but everyone else thinks it was funny. You just have no sense of humor.
I’m sorry! Are you happy now?
I’m sorry, but you started it.
Alright FINE, I’m SORRY.
I already apologized. What more do you want? (Often after they never apologized in the first place)
I’m sorry that you don’t think what I do is good enough for you.
I’m sorry, but I was just trying to help. Excuse me for trying!

THE ABSOLUTE REFUSAL TO APOLOGIZE

All of these types of apologies are in reality a refusal to sincerely apologize. The absolute refusal to take any responsibility for their behavior is incredibly infuriating. Being compassionate and genuinely wanting things to resolve, you come to your partner and apologize for your side of the problem. In a healthy relationship, apologies go both ways. Both sides are involved and both should take some of the blame. However, the covert narcissist is just not willing to own any piece of the problem. They are happy to accept your admission, yet refuse to take any responsibility for their own behavior.

You can apologize for getting angry about the way they talked to you. In return, you get an attitude of “you should be.” They will even add more reasons to your apology of why you should feel sorry. Yet they will not take ANY blame for their part in the problem. They have absolutely NO recognition of how their own behavior triggered all of this in the first place.

“You were angry first.”

“I didn’t get upset until after you did.”

“It’s not my fault you behaved that way.”

“I don’t know what I could have done differently.”

Fake apologies leave you feeling empty and not valued. Covert narcissists are experts at it. The confusion they leave in your mind makes you feel crazy. You find yourself wondering, “They did apologize, so why do I still feel this way?” You question your own intentions and sanity. These people are smooth! They are believable and convincing to everyone. They are dangerous.

Never getting a genuine apology in an intimate relationship is painful and debilitating! It makes genuine connection impossible!

Renee Swanson 5/4/24 Renee Swanson 5/4/24

Circular Conversations with a Covert Narcissist

Let me start by saying these aren't conversations. They are verbal competitions and even warfare. Narcissists don't use conversations to find understanding and compromise. They use them to win. These conversations are extremely planned and manipulated. There is absolutely no such thing as spontaneity. There is no place for this to be relaxed and natural chatting. No, it is war!

WHAT IS A CIRCULAR CONVERSATION?

I know in our household, in order for my husband to actually have a conversation with someone, it was like we had to go through some big ordeal. It was as though he was announcing to the world, in a very robot-like way, "We are now having a conversation." Everything else had to stop. Everything had to be put down. Life ceased to exist....because NOW WE ARE HAVING A CONVERSATION. After making such an announcement, he would then sit quietly with his eyes closed for a couple of minutes, making everyone wait to hear his "great" words. It was almost like a ritual. I felt like the trumpets were going to come out of the sky, play a fanfare, and announce that the KING was about to speak. It was ridiculous and left everyone on edge. No one felt safe before a word was even uttered.

Then you never knew what the actual topic was going to be. It could be absolutely anything, from teeny tiny small to gigantically huge. One thing was always for certain though, he had been offended, and we were going to hear about it. These "conversations" feel more like monologues from a dictator, and they last just as long. Everyone else usually kept their mouths shut. Why? Because over time we had all learned one of our rights: "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you."

I have heard these circular conversations referred to as gaslighting, word salad, and verbal vomit. I prefer to call them conversations from hell. It is the most painful place I have ever experienced. I have never felt so alone and destitute as I have when trapped in one of these. And I do mean trapped. There seems to be no way out. Nothing you say will change the course. Nothing you say will turn it in a positive direction. The narcissist will unceasingly turn everything around and around, spinning forever in a bottomless pit of negativity.

You find yourself defending everything you have ever done, said, or even thought. You are defending a look you had or the way you breathed. Guards are up and active. Spontaneity does not exist. Reciprocity does not exist. There is no natural give and take because with a narcissist there is no give. Staying relaxed is nearly impossible. In the conversation, you feel like you just can't seem to keep with the topic at hand because it changes so fast. One minute you are talking about your frustration that he isn't helping with the yard work and the next thing you know you are defending why you didn't cook dinner last night. It doesn't matter that he said he wasn't hungry. It is simply ammunition against you.

8 SIGNS OF A CIRCULAR CONVERSATION

1. You find yourself teaching an adult about basic communication skills and basic human emotions.

You are actually trying to teach them how to talk nicely to people, something we all learned in kindergarten. “Now Johnny, we mustn’t talk that way to others.” Healthy adults just do not need to be taught the golden rule. But narcissistic people seem to have missed those lessons. When I found myself explaining to my husband, a full grown man and father of two boys, how his tone of voice influences people’s feelings, I realized we had a real problem. The fact of the matter is that any full-grown adult knows how to treat other people. They know how to be kind and good, but simply choose not to.

2. You find yourself thinking, “If I could just find the right words, then he would stop treating me this way.”

Or, “The right words will help him to understand why what he is doing is hurting me, and he will stop.” I absolutely wore my brain out with this one! There simply is not an angle left that I didn’t try. “Maybe these words, this approach, this tone of voice, this perspective, etc.” It was endless effort and extremely taxing on both my head and my heart. To top it all off, it never did any good! All it did was keep all the responsibility on my own shoulders. I used to think, “If I am not able to find the right words, then I cannot be mad at him for not getting it.” What!! Since when did I become the counselor? I am telling you now that it is NOT your job to help them understand. I am not saying don’t make any effort when someone has hurt your feelings. But I am saying there is a point where it no longer becomes your responsibility to keep explaining it to someone who doesn’t get it and clearly doesn’t want to.

3. These conversations are antagonistic and combative.

I reached a point where I would say to my friend, “I don’t even know how to have a normal conversation with my husband.” You see, narcissistic people don’t see conversations as a time of connection and reciprocity. Actually, in their eyes, there is no such thing as conversation. It is verbal competition instead. Most of the time, they seem to want communication to be difficult and a problem. They don’t want to understand. They want only to maintain their position of superiority. In order to truly understand and sympathize with someone, you must allow a moment or two to be about the other person. Narcissistic people absolutely cannot do this. Not even for a tiny moment can life be about someone else. When they can keep the conversation confusing and difficult, it can stay centered around them. Then they have a “duty” to explain and educate the other person, which maintains their superiority and arrogance.

4. There is no resolution in these conversations.

You know that place, when you have been in a heated discussion with a loved one, where you feel reconciliation? This is a moment where both parties feel sorry for the pain they have caused. Both feel humbleness, honesty, and compassion. In this moment, you feel very open and connected with each other. Well, this place does NOT exist with a narcissistic person! You will NEVER get there!! It does not matter whether you are in the original heated discussion or in the 100th discussion after it trying to get resolution. These discussions can last 5 minutes or 5 hours. It simply does not matter. You will not be able to find a peaceful and compassionate ending. For more detail on the lack of reconciliation, read my article No Reconciliation Ever.

5. They use the topic switcheroo.

If a narcissistic person does not like the direction of the current discussion, I guarantee you they will switch it around. Here’s an example: We were at the counselor together trying to find some middle ground in order to save our marriage. Here is how the discussion went:

Him: I have asked you to tell me what I am doing wrong in our marriage, and you won’t tell me.

Me: I have told you many times why I am frustrated. I am done telling you.

Him: I have asked you to tell me right when it is happening. I think the problem really is that you say, “Yes,” and yet you DO no.

Me: What does that mean?

Him: You told me that you will point things out as they happen and yet you don’t do that.

Me: I have pointed them out at the time, and that didn’t work. So I tried an hour later, that didn’t work, I tried the next day, that didn’t work. I have tried everything I know to try, so now I am done trying.

Him (arrogantly): So you said yes and you are doing no. You do that with lots of things.

Me: Now what are you talking about?

Him: I’m talking about the windows in the house. You still haven’t gotten those done, but you said you would.

What! You've got to be kidding me! Two years earlier, we had talked about replacing the windows in the house. I had gotten some estimates, but it went no further than that. For two years, nothing else had been said about it by either one of us until that day at the counselor. Now all of a sudden it is all my fault?

6. They play the eternal victim.

This victim role is perpetual and ever-lasting. Some of their favorite phrases are:

I had a tough childhood.

My dad/mom treated me badly.

I have a low self-esteem because of my childhood.

Nobody likes me. Everybody is against me. “Poor me” is the attitude.

These become excuses and crutches. They play the victim card so everyone will feel badly for them and let them off the hook. Then they don’t have to “fix” anything and can go merrily on their way treating people however they choose. This victim roles prevents them from ever having to be accountable for themselves.

One time, I was trying to explain to my husband how his quickness to be offended hurt those around him. I told him that he gets so quickly offended over things that shouldn’t even be offensive in the first place. He asked for an example. So I reminded him about a time when I had asked our son to help him empty the dishwasher. This offended him so badly that he stormed out of the room and closed himself in the guest bedroom for 45 minutes. When I finally went up to talk to him, he told me that the incident had communicated to him that I thought he was an idiot, incapable of emptying the dishwasher by himself. I asked him why that thought would even cross his mind. He did not remember this incident but explained how he could see himself reacting that way. He added, “You know how much I struggle with feeling worthless. I was treated very poorly by my dad, you know.” This repeatedly becomes an excuse, a justification, and a hindrance all at once. The attitude is, you have to get off my back because I struggle with self-esteem and your words are damaging me more. You need to feel sorry for me because I was treated so badly as a child. I don’t have to fix this or get any better because it really isn’t my fault.

7. You walk away thinking, “What in the world just happened?”

These conversations are like no other. Your head is left spinning. You will feel as though you have used every ounce of energy you have and yet accomplished absolutely nothing. You replay this conversation over and over for hours or even days, obsessing over things you should have said or could have said better. You now have a million arguments laid out in your head, left unaddressed in the actual conversation because it was spinning too fast.

8. They give you the silent treatment.

I am not referring to the silent treatment that might last for days on end. I am not talking about casually ignoring someone. This silent treatment is extremely direct and purposeful. It is a little hard to describe, so bear with me. When he has become offended by something I have said, done, not said, or not done, it is immediately crystal clear. Not because of what he says, but because of his body language and lack of words. He has this way of existing in space that communicates complete disdain for the other person. He stares at absolutely nothing, in a very contemplative manner. This silence can last for a few minutes or for quite a while. It creates a tension that cannot be described in words. The grip of that tension is felt mentally, emotionally, and even physically. Getting out of this entrapment proves to be incredibly difficult and staying takes an incredible toll on your body, mind, heart and soul.

If you find yourself really feeling like something is consistently wrong in conversation with a specific person, listen to your instincts. These circular conversations can take many different shapes for different people. But many of the overall characteristics are the same. One thing is always for sure, the one on the receiving end of the conversation from hell is left feeling emotionally drained and completely hopeless. Learn to cut these conversations off before they can even get started. No one should ever be forced to sit through them. You have a right to walk away!

Renee Swanson 5/1/24 Renee Swanson 5/1/24

Raising Kids with a Covert Narcissist

Let me start by saying that dealing with a covert narcissist is completely tiresome, in and of itself. I know all too well. It was over 20 years for me. But trying to co-parent with them sends you to a whole new level of exhaustion. This is counter parenting at its best. You are parenting with a bully!

Dealing with a Covert Narcissist

It is 24/7, 365 days a year. There is no such thing as a break, a vacation, a time to rest. Forget trying to protect yourself from the narcissistic blows. No, you are constantly throwing yourself in front of your own children to save them. By the time a few years have passed, you have taken so many blows that you have no idea which end is up. The number of circular conversations and the amount of gaslighting you have endured is mind-boggling. You feel like you don’t even know how to make a complete sentence anymore.

Questions for the empath

The empathic partner that finds themselves in a relationship with a covert narcissist will wear their own mind out with constant questions. These questions are:

What am I doing wrong here?
Is this my fault?
How can I fix this?
Am I losing my mind? Am I crazy?
Why is he/she treating me and our kids this way?

You are so desperate for genuine reconciliation, yet it never comes. You are so ready for them to carry some of the responsibility, some of the pressure and stress. But it just never happens. You are parenting completely alone. Not only that, but your partner is working against you every step of the way.

For many of us, by the time we realize what is going on in the relationship, we have become parents in this narcissistic nightmare. What in the world do we do now? A empathis parent feels an intense need to help their children in anyway they can. If you can't help them, after all, who will? The world certainly isn’t jumping in to do it. So you push yourself through this impossible situation with a strong determination. I assure you that you will reach the end of your rope many times. But each time, if you muster up the strength to look, you will see that your rope has grown a little bit longer. So you keep fighting.

Parenting Questions from the empath

As you begin to see what is happening in your world, your questions shift to the children.

How do I help them?
Are they getting hurt too much?
Should I leave? Should I stay?
What if he/she gets custody?
How do I get the target off of them?
How can I protect them?
How can I stop this?
Am I strong enough to help them?
Have I done enough?
Have I done too much?
What do I say? What do I not say?
Are they turning out just like him?
What if I can’t help them?
Do they have compassion?
Do they have an empathy muscle?
Is it too late?
Have I done enough?

These questions are endless and completely exhausting! They will consume you and every ounce of energy you have. I had hit a level of internal exhaustion that I did not know even existed. It's bad enough that the relationship you are in is crazy making. When you have children in that relationship, the crazy making goes to an unbearable level. Some of these questions will remain unanswered for years and maybe forever.

Keep Fighting for our kids

It is a fight that we simply cannot afford to give up. So we keep fighting for them. I worry about them everyday, pray for them everyday, talk to them even when they don't want to, and just keep fighting. Are they listening? I cling to the belief that they are. Some days, I feel them close off, and my heart panics. When they show coldness and callousness, everything inside me screams, “NO!”

You need to know that you are not alone. Whether you are in a relationship with a covert narcissist or not, these same questions are asked by all parents everywhere that have any ounce of care for their children. It's the narcissists that don't ask these questions. I have never heard anyone say that their narcissistic partner is overly concerned about the well-being of their children. They don't ask if they have done enough to help them be successful adults. They don't ask if their children have compassion and empathy. I'm not sure these thoughts ever even cross their self-focused minds.

So if you are that parent asking those questions, then hold your head high knowing that your compassion is genuine, that your concern is grounded, and that growth is coming in your direction. Keep asking the questions. The answers will change daily and sometimes even hourly. It's OK. The moods of kids change that often too. Stability will come though it may seem like it is forever away right now.

the crazy making questions

There are some questions that have most certainly bounced around in your head that you should let go of. These questions leave you second guessing your every move. They can paralyze you with fear and worry. They leave you doubting everything you are doing and saying.

These questions are:

Did I say the right thing?
Did I not say the right thing
Should I have said this?
Should I have said that?

Let all of that go. You say what you say and you do what you do. There is no rule that says you have to the perfect parent. You will make mistakes. You will say things that you could have said better. You will do things that you could have done better. That's OK.

Holding onto a False Image of Perfect Parenting

I want you to think about something for a minute. If you are holding onto an image of being the perfect parent who can fix everything, then you aren’t being genuine and real with your child either. Isn’t that one of the complaints against the narcissistic parent? That they cannot let go of this false image they are clinging to?

Quit spending so much energy trying to do everything exactly right. There is no exactly right. The only right way here is to be more of you! They don’t need a perfect mother/father. They need more of you!

They need to see some of your tears. They need to see some of your frustration and anger. What could possibly be more validating for how they feel about all of this than to know that you feel it too? They can now know that it is okay to feel scared, upset and lonely. They are not alone either!

Take Away

You are not alone in your exhaustion. No matter how strong you think you are, this will push you to your limits repeatedly. Some of the internal questioning is worth hanging onto, but some of it should be discarded. Learn the difference and make it happen. Remind yourself often. Finally, quit trying to be some false image of perfect. Simply work on being more of you. That is what your child needs more than anything else - genuineness and realness.