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A Christmas Message of Hope and Peace

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Reflections on Past Holidays

As I sit in my quiet home, gazing at the Christmas tree and the stockings hanging neatly, memories of past holidays come rushing back. Those days were filled with tension, anxiety, and stress. The holidays were supposed to bring joy, but for me, they often felt like an uphill battle—trying to create peace in a home where peace wasn’t welcomed.

I remember making plans, hoping for moments of connection:

- Playing Monopoly, our family’s favorite game.

- Taking the dogs to the park.

- Driving around to see Christmas lights.

- Watching movies or football together.

- Wrapping gifts and preparing meals as a family.

When Plans Turn Sour

But the reality? Those plans often turned into something else entirely. Monopoly became a stage for dominance, with my husband threatening to quit if decisions didn’t align with his “business skills.” Trips to the dog park ended in frustration as he yelled at the dogs and at us. Even the simple joy of looking at Christmas lights became stressful, marred by his road rage. Activities meant to bring us closer only pushed us further apart.

Finding Ways to Avoid Conflict

Over time, I adjusted to avoid conflict. I started playing Monopoly with the kids when he wasn’t around. I took the dogs to the park alone. I made excuses for why the kids couldn’t join us for certain outings. I wrapped all the gifts myself, cooked the meals, and quietly ensured everything went as smoothly as possible.

On Christmas mornings, I prayed for calm. Any small misstep—a missing battery, a duplicate gift—could ignite tension. I worked tirelessly to anticipate every need, to fix every problem before it even started. My cheerfulness was a shield, my bubbly energy a barrier to keep anger at bay. But beneath it all, I was exhausted and deeply unhappy.

Six Years of Transformation

This January marks six years since my divorce was finalized. My boys are older now, and Christmastime looks entirely different for us. Our home has transformed into a sanctuary—a place where feelings matter, laughter echoes, and everyone can simply be themselves.

Now, we take turns preparing meals and play games, including Monopoly, without fear of judgment. We watch shows and football together, take trips, and have giant wrapping parties, tossing tape and scissors down the hall with playful banter. We’ve created a home that feels safe, welcoming, and filled with love.

Reclaiming My Space

This transformation didn’t happen overnight. It was a journey of reclaiming my space and, in doing so, reclaiming myself. After the divorce, I debated whether to stay in the house or leave. Ultimately, I decided to stay and make it my own. Bit by bit, I replaced items that carried painful memories—pillows, blankets, furniture, and even the paint on the walls. Each change brought me closer to creating a home that felt authentically mine.

Creating Peace Within and Around Me

Creating a peaceful home started with creating peace within myself. I had to let go of the need to control every situation, a survival tactic I’d developed during those chaotic years. I learned to hold space for my own emotions—sadness, anger, fear—without judgment. This, in turn, allowed me to create a space where my boys could express their feelings freely and without fear.

Here’s How I Began This Journey Toward Peace

1. Decluttering My Space: Removing physical clutter helped clear my mind and brought a sense of calm to my environment.

2. Creating Quiet Moments: I set aside time daily for reflection, prayer, or simply sitting in silence to reconnect with myself.

3. Choosing Kindness: I made a conscious effort to approach situations with compassion, even when it was difficult.

Redefining Home and Happiness

Building a loving, peaceful home has been a process of constant growth and adjustment. There are still hard days, but they no longer define our lives. Instead, what defines our home now is the safety and love we’ve cultivated together.

A Message of Hope

If you’re reading this and longing for a home that feels like a sanctuary, know that it’s possible. It starts with small, intentional steps. Perhaps it’s setting boundaries, practicing self-care, or seeking support. Whatever your next step is, trust that it’s leading you toward the life you deserve.

The light at the end of the tunnel isn’t a myth. It’s real. One day, the laughter in your home will be genuine. You’ll feel safe expressing your emotions without fear of judgment. Your home will become a place of peace, not a battlefield.

Looking Ahead to a Brighter Future

This holiday season, my boys and I are preparing to travel to the mountains for some skiing and family time. Life is far from perfect, but it’s filled with peace, love, and connection. The journey here wasn’t easy, but it was worth every step.

To anyone on a similar path, better days are ahead. You are strong enough to create the home and life you’ve always dreamed of—a home filled with safety, laughter, and love. I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing!

Emotional Abuse Consumption

Emotional abuse is often described as insidious, and for good reason. It doesn’t have to happen constantly to dominate your thoughts, emotions, and decisions. Even if the abuse only happens 10% of the time on a clock or calendar, the fear of it, the anticipation of it, and the recovery from it consumes your mind 100% of the time.

Covert Narcissism and their Subtle Tactics of Manipulation and Control

One of the most challenging aspects of covert narcissistic abuse is its subtle nature. Unlike overt narcissism, which is more easily recognizable through grandiose behavior or obvious arrogance, covert narcissism thrives on subtle manipulation that is harder to detect. These tactics are designed to undermine your confidence, control your behavior, and make you question your reality, often leaving you feeling confused, invalidated, and powerless.

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3 Simple Steps for Boundary Setting with a Covert Narcissist

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Vulnerable narcissists, often referred to as covert narcissists, cross emotional boundaries. They overstep and hit you emotionally, blaming you, guilting you, dismissing you. They have no regard for your emotional space.

Boundaries may often be crossed in ways that can be so subtle that we don’t even realize it, especially when dealing with covert narcissists. But the impact is massive! Today I want to give you 3 steps that you can take to help set better boundaries with a covert narcissist.

Covert Narcissists Need a Supply and a Scapegoat

Narcissistic people need two dominant things: supply and scapegoats. They need someone who cares for their every need and want. This supply feeds their ego, boosting them up, laughing at all of their jokes, hanging on every word they say, and giving them all of their attention. In addition, they need scapegoats. Nothing is ever their fault, so they need somewhere for their blame to go, all the time. Everything that has ever gone wrong in their life is to be blamed on someone or something else.

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Covert Narcissists are Adult Bullies

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Bullying is NOT a kid’s problem. Someone recently said to me that we deal with bullies in our childhood. Teen years, there may be a few bullies here and there, but not really. By adulthood, we are past all that kid stuff. Well, this got me to thinking. Are we really past all the bullying behavior in adulthood? I sure don’t feel like we are.

7 Ways that a Covert Narcissist Reacts

Have you ever called a covert narcissist out for something they have done? How did that go? One of the most frustrating things ever is to try to get a covert narcissist to take any responsibility or to even listen to you in the first place. When you try to talk with them regarding how you feel about something they did, you can expect a large amount of pushback. Here are 7 ways that a  covert narcissist reacts.

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The Emotional Dysregulation of a Covert Narcissist

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I’m mad! So I yell at you, punch the wall, storm off, stomp my feet, shove the chair, and slam the bedroom door! I don’t care that you don’t like it! I don’t care that you now feel bad. In fact, I’m going to wait in my room until you come and apologize to me! Who am I?

I'm a 2 year old toddler throwing a fit, or a teenager dealing with hormones, social anxiety, and overwhelming schoolwork, or a full-grown adult covert narcissist.

The Emotional Dysregulation of a Covert Narcissist

When asked what is emotional regulation and how do you teach it to your children, let’s start by identifying what it is not. It is not spilling your emotions all over the other person. It is not when someone is experiencing negative emotions and thus treats the people around them with sharpness, blame, rage, entitled anger, yelling, slamming doors, and breaking things. This is like kicking the dog because you are mad. It’s not, “I’m mad, so I can do whatever I want. You better get out of my way.”

Apology Dodging of a Covert Narcissist

I have never met anyone better at dodging apologizing than a narcissist. They are experts at it. Their sense of superiority causes them to never feel that they are in the wrong. Other “inferior” individuals are always to blame. So for them to apologize requires that they lower themselves to an equal or lesser plane than others. This is something that they simply cannot do! They will tap dance, side step, spin in a circle, and stand on their heads. But they will NOT apologize, at least not in any real and genuine way.

Circular Conversations with a Covert Narcissist

Let me start by saying these aren't conversations. They are verbal competitions and even warfare. Narcissists don't use conversations to find understanding and compromise. They use them to win. These conversations are extremely planned and manipulated. There is absolutely no such thing as spontaneity. There is no place for this to be relaxed and natural chatting. No, it is war!

No Reconciliation Ever

In all relationships, you are certainly going to upset each other from time to time. You are going to hurt each other’s feelings and find yourself in an argument or disagreement. This is a very normal part of life. Knowing this is true, however, caused me for years to justify what was going on in my marriage. I made so many excuses for his painful words and behaviors.

Grey Rock

Have you ever heard the term grey rock? I was doing this and didn’t even know what it was. It had become a way of life for me before I ever heard the phrase. 

So what is grey rock? Grey rock is becoming as boring as you possibly can to this person. You show no emotions, no reactions, and no care, keeping conversations as short as possible. You become as boring, dull, empty, and emotionless as a simple grey rock. The kind we see all the time and totally ignore.

Grenade Inside a Tank

Someone who has experienced covert narcissistic abuse is like a grenade inside a tank. 


On the inside, you are wound up incredibly tight, over-thinking everything, over-analyzing everything, always anticipating the next disaster. Your mind is going a million miles per hour. “Should I say it this way? Should I say it that way? What if I phrase it like this or that? Should I tell them this? Should I keep it to myself? Will they be mad about this? Will that set them off?” Tighter and tighter, your mind is winding you up in a knot, just waiting to explode. 

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DISCLAIMER: THE INFORMATION PROVIDED BY RENEE SWANSON, COVERT NARCISSISM PODCAST, AND CNG LIFE COACHING IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT TO BE USED FOR DIAGNOSIS PURPOSES AND NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE.

THIS MATERIAL DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL. RENEE SHARES STORIES FROM HER PERSONAL EXPERIENCES AS WELL AS FROM THOSE SHE HAS TALKED WITH FOR SEVERAL YEARS. HER MATERIAL DOES NOT CLAIM THAT ANY SPECIFIC PERSON HAS NARCISSISM AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS MATERIAL TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION OR SUPPORT A CLAIM THAT ANY SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE MATERIAL AND INFORMATION PROVIDED.