When you are with a covert narcissist, everything you say can and will get used against you
It’s no wonder we start grey-rocking. Do you know what this is? I was doing this long before I ever knew there was a name for it. Grey rock is when you become as boring as a grey rock to them. You give them no emotional reaction, no extra dialogue, no questions, nothing that will ever extend any conversation. You don't defend yourself, which only gives them fuel. You don't explain yourself. You don't try to help them see your side of things. You stop engaging!
Why do we do this? Because we have learned from experience. Everything we say does get used against us. Everything gets thrown back in our face. They never see our side of things. They never validate what we say or how we feel. They take everything we say, flip it around somehow, and use it against us.
He was mad at me one day for how I answered his question in what was just a normal everyday conversation. Now because of our past circular conversations, I had been very careful to make sure I answered nicely and graciously. It was a simple answer and a safe one, I thought! Yet he found a way to be completely offended by my answer.
Later, he brought this up and told me how much I had hurt him with my answer. What?? Here we go again. Every word I say somehow manages to hurt him. I no longer knew how to talk with my own husband in any way. So again, trying to make peace with him and trying to understand, I gently told him, “I answered you like I would my best friend.”
His response, “I thought I was your best friend! Am I not?” And he was all offended and upset again!!
You have got to be kidding me!! What are we in middle school? We were in our 40’s with 2 teenage kids! And we are really having this conversation! Seriously!
Conversations with covert narcissists loop and loop endlessly. There is no ending in sight, no point of reconciliation, no closure. Everything you say can and does get used against you. It gets thrown back in your face. You start by explaining that what they did really hurt you and yet you end up defending yourself and apologizing for anything, like not calling them your best friend! Any words or acts that they can misinterpret, they do.
These conversations just leave a victim in total confusion about what is going on. You think you are making progress, and then WHAM! All of a sudden, you are right back in the thick of it. Are things getting better or not? I have no idea! One minute I say yes and the next minute not at all!