I remember my husband telling me in our early marriage that brinkmanship was his favorite word ever. I thought it was odd and didn’t even really know the word. I looked it up and found this even weirder. I had no idea what this would come to mean for me.
Brinkmanship is the art or practice of pushing a dangerous situation or confrontation to the limit of safety, especially to force a desired outcome. It is the technique or practice of maneuvering a dangerous situation to the limits of tolerance or safety in order to secure the greatest advantage, especially by creating diplomatic crises.
He said that he would push his friends just far enough to make them really mad but not quite far enough to send them over the edge. He enjoyed watching them squirm in their discomfort, as well as having the power to pull them back down. He was quite proud of his skills in brinkmanship.
This played out in our 21 year marriage. He pushed situations to their breaking point. He pushed me and our kids to the brink, the edge of a cliff to get the outcome he wanted. He repeatedly made us as uncomfortable as he possibly could until we gave in.
He often made us miserable with his attitude, reactions, short comments, snippy-ness. It got what he wanted though, for all of us to tap-dance around HIS moods, for us to bend over backwards to accommodate HIS wants and desires. We all took responsibility for any situation just to make peace. I would be the one apologizing to him just to make things calmer and bearable.
He got what he wanted by pushing us past the point of tolerance and emotional safety, over and over. This is no way to live!! It destroys all the relationships involved and each individual person as well.
If you are living this way, you need to step back from that edge. Step around this abuser in your life and make your own space of safety. You will never find your safety in a person who enjoys brinkmanship.
Where does this precious safety lie? In a couple safe friends that you can open up to. In a few safe family members. In a therapist or counselor. In group coaching sessions. In online support groups. Most importantly, in yourself, learning your value as a person and that you deserve a peaceful and safe environment.