As a victim of covert narcissistic abuse, you have a mind that is going a million miles per hour. When you have a need or desire and actually want to express it, you do not feel that you can do this. You have been taught that your needs and desires do not matter and that you are wrong for even having them in the first place.
So when you want to express a need or desire, you are already defending it before you even utter a word. Your mind is already coming up with 50 reasons why you need this, whatever it is.
For example, you can’t just go out with a friend because you want to. You have to have a reason, a justification. Something like “They are going through a rough time and need support” (whether this is actually true or not). “They need a night away from their kids.” (It can’t ever be about what you need) “It’s the only night they can do it. We’ve been trying to get together for several months.” (Even if this just came up at the last minute)
Again, you can’t be honest and just say that you simply want to go out with this friend. You make excuses for going out with other people, friends and/or family, even your own kids. You have been taught repeatedly that your own needs and desires don’t matter. The jealousy of a covert narcissist is extremely high when you are getting your needs met and they are not. When you go out with that friend, you pay a very high price when you get back.
Another example of this is when we feel we can’t say no to the covert narcissist. The simple answer of “no” is not sufficient. We feel we have to justify why we don’t want to do what they are suggesting. If they want to go out to eat, but we really aren’t wanting to, we can’t just say, “No, I would rather stay home tonight.” We have to have a reason and are already prepping that in our mind. “I don’t feel good. It’s too expensive. I don’t like that restaurant’s food.” Your mind spends so much energy coming up with the “right” way to say no.
Even when you are out of the relationship, you can still feel the need to always explain yourself and defend yourself. You do not have to defend yourself to anyone!! You do not owe anyone an explanation! No can simply mean no. You are allowed to have your own opinions and desires. But you will probably need to purposefully stop defending yourself and your choices.