Have you ever said...But we have some good times together. Remember that one day…. Remember that one time….We had so much fun. We were so happy that day.

Are you building an intimate relationship on single day events? Are you building a lifelong relationship on breadcrumbs of good times?

Sure, we had some good times together. We had occasional evenings that were successful and happy. We had the random weekends where his anger stayed in check. But I came to the realization that I was hanging on to those all-too-rare times and pretending that they were our reality. I was desperately trying to build a home and raise kids around that illusion. It wasn't working.

I finally realized that if I was always making an excuse as to why he was angry and mean, then I might need to consider that he is just angry and mean. When the good behavior stands out, that isn’t a good sign. When it’s the good behavior that causes you to be surprised and think, “That’s really not like him/her,” that causes you to be incredibly grateful for a change, then you need to take a long, hard look at the relationship.

In a healthy, non-toxic relationship, it’s the bad behavior that causes one to think, “Wow, that’s really not like you.” The quick temper and sharp tongue are rare and thus brought on by external factors. Not a daily part of life.

Building a lifelong relationship, a marriage, a family on breadcrumbs does not work. The relationship is not sustainable. You have to have more than breadcrumbs of peace and happiness.