When with a covert narcissist, you learn to defend yourself constantly. You are always under attack and never feel emotionally safe. Things can blow up at any moment, so your guard is always up. The tiniest little thing can set everything off, so you are on constant watch.
You are on the defense before anything has ever even happened. Before one word is spoken, you are already defending yourself. Rightly so. You have been taught that you will have to defend everything you ever say or do.
This is not normal. This is not how non-narcissistic people interact. Healthy relationships don’t work this way. You are allowed to just talk, to be yourself, to be less than perfect, and to not be judged.
This abuse and the defensiveness it causes in you affects other relationships until you become aware of it and work to stop it. Here is an example:
My friend and I were texting after she had just gotten home from a road trip. When I told her that I hope she had some time to rest that day, she responded, “Me too!” My past abuse kicked in. It caused my mind to defensively take that comment to mean, “Leave me alone so I can rest now.” So I apologized for bothering her. She immediately responded, “You are not bothering me at all.” I know this was my past defensiveness showing its ugly head.
I purposefully stopped this reaction inside me and continued a normal, healthy interaction with my friend. No judgment. No hidden agendas. No need for defensiveness. And my friend interacted with me in a normal, safe and accepting way. This is how life should be. This is how life is! Once you find freedom from narcissism!
Start identifying your defensive reactions. Call them out for what they are and watch them begin to fade away!