"One doesn't have to operate with great malice to do great harm. The absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient." Charles M. Blow
I made so many excuses for my husband while we were married. I truly believe that he did not mean to harm us. He never struck me or the kids, or even threatened to. He never cussed at me or called me mean names. Yet he did SO much damage to me and to our boys.
It certainly seems that many covert narcissists do not MEAN to inflict harm and pain. Some do, so this may not apply to your situation. In my world, he was not a malicious person.
I hear victims say that they believe their abuser doesn't mean to harm them. I believe what they are saying because I lived it....for multiple decades. In these situations, we end up in a quandary. How can I leave when I believe that he/she doesn't mean to harm me?
Whether they mean harm or not is not the point! It isn’t that they don’t mean to harm you. It is that they don’t mean NOT to harm you! They don’t put effort into taking care of your feelings. They don’t put effort into talking in a way that makes you feel validated, loved and happy. They don’t take to heart the things you are saying to them, reconcile with you and work towards resolution. They may not “mean” to harm you, but they don’t mean to help you either!