I know other people have it worse, so my situation just isn’t that bad. I should be grateful that it isn’t worse.

Maybe I am making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe it really isn’t a problem. I have heard these exact words from many victims of covert narcissistic abuse. In fact, I have even said them myself.

Your belief in the goodness of others is not a bad thing, but it can certainly cause problems. It can lead you to be willing to overlook the faults of others and set you up for abusive relationships.

I remember early in our marriage when things got ugly, I would think to myself, “Every marriage has issues though. It would be the same with anyone else.”

I was told that I am the only person who sees anger in him. He said that he asked his friends and co-workers. Friends?? He has no friends. He doesn’t do anything with anyone, ever. He sits in the house and plays video games, night after night and all day on the weekends.

You are allowed to walk this Earth in peace just like everyone else. The gift of a peaceful life is every bit as present for you as it is for anyone and everyone else. You are not obligated to live under stress and abuse. You CAN choose to spend each individual moment of your life doing things that are peaceful and that make you happy. You CAN choose to spend your time and energy on things that make you feel positive, productive, compassionate, and connected to others. You ARE allowed to be you!!

Just because you do something athletic does not make you an athlete. 

-Throwing a ball

-Kicking a ball

-Running (to catch a bus)

How do we rationalize that all this blame is ours?!?

I reached the point that everything he did wrong was my fault. Here are some examples, and the rationale that allowed me to accept the blame.
It was my fault he was addicted to gaming. I should have fussed at him more for being on the electronics.

So how many traits do they have to carry in order to be a covert narcissist? I get asked this by a lot of victims. My partner does this one and that one, but not these. I hear so many people say that covert narcissists do this, but mine doesn’t do that. Does this mean they aren’t a covert narcissist?

The covert narcissist is a master at subtleness. Their attacks are not outright and in your face. But they are experts at making you feel stupid, worthless, despicable and miserable. Trying to explain their actions to others makes us sound trivial, petty and crazy. This is because most single occurrences with a covert narcissist are small and petty. But it isn’t about a single event. It is over and over for years and decades.

Covert narcissists absolutely hate for the other person to be right. Especially if that person is a spouse, significant other, parent or child. They will disagree with you simply for the sake of disagreeing. Their immediate reaction to most of what you say is to tell you that you are wrong.

In the middle of this scenario, while I was pouring everything I had into genuine attempts at improving our relationship, my covert narcissistic husband asked me, “Can you even give me one compliment? One thing you like about me?” “Wait! What?” A compliment? You want a compliment?

A relationship without give is a relationship full of hurt. With a covert narcissist, there is no give, no wiggle room, no slack in the line they have around your neck. They pull tighter and tighter and give you no breathing room. No room to be human, to be spontaneous and genuine. They give you no room to be you!

So in his eyes, our early marriage was a match made in heaven. He thought it was great! I worked so hard to keep him happy. I met his every need. I noticed his every mood and adjusted my behavior accordingly. To him, this was perfect!

I would never have said that abandonment was a concern for me. I never felt like he was going to run away with another woman. I knew that he would always be home in the evenings and on the weekends. But then I realized that there was a different type of abandonment going on.

Covert narcissists use hooks to take the heat off themselves and place the blame or responsibility back on you. Things that cause you once again to doubt yourself and your perspective.

Narcissists all seem to have some common ground, like they all took the same class. Yet they still come in different shapes and sizes. Many victims find themselves stuck, asking themselves over and over, “Is he/she really a narcissist? Or “Do they mean to hurt me?”