They give you just enough breadcrumbs to make you believe in them.
One good evening can erase a whole lot of bad in your mind. This is who he really is. See, he really is a good person. A small glimpse of goodness can erase several days, weeks, or even months of bad behavior. Finally, he is back! This is what I have been waiting for. You feel relieved, even ecstatic. You drop your guard and relax, only for the cycle to start all over again.
There is just enough truth in what they say to make you feel like everything is good. They point out something they just did for you or the kids. Something they said that you liked. And they are right. You admit that in your mind. All of a sudden, you are now doubting that there is even a problem at all. Maybe you are imagining it. Maybe things aren’t that bad.
Then they also throw in just enough truth to make you think that everything is truly your fault. They point out something you did or said. And they are right. You did do that. STOP right there though. Yes, maybe you did do that, but that doesn’t change anything about all the things they have done or said or not done or not said. It is just another way for them to take the focus off themselves and put it all back on you.
One of the reasons we give them the benefit of the doubt so much is because of our intense desire for them to be the good person we see in those breadcrumbs. We so badly want that to be the person we married or are in a relationship with, so we cling to those glimpses of good and build our whole life around them.
One of the best tools for for dealing with this is to make a list of the good behavior and make a list of the bad behavior. Be honest with these lists. Compare them to each other. If the good behavior outweighs the bad, then be grateful and enjoy the good times. However, if the bad behavior far outweighs the good, then you are living on breadcrumbs.