What is gaslighting? It is defined as making someone question their own reality. It is when a person effectively puts forth a false narrative that leads another person to doubt their own perceptions and become confused.

Are you doing all the work for fixing this relationship?

How much effort have you put into communicating with this covert narcissist in your life? How hard have you worked to learn their “language?” To find the “right” words?

Everyone has wounds from childhood. This is true. But the more educated we can become about the types of wounds and specific nature of the wounds, the better we are able to heal our own wounds and also the better we are able to help our children.

“If I could just find the right words, then they would stop treating me this way.”

“The right words will help them to understand why what they are doing is hurting me, and they will stop.” 

They have a total disregard for the possessions or rights of others. This applies to taking your things whenever they choose or touching you whenever they please. They use your stuff whenever they want, and yet have a fit if you use anything of theirs. There is no give and take in the relationship.

The fight or flight reaction is a normal trauma response to a perceived dangerous and threatening situation. It is absolutely life-saving in extreme situations, such as running from a bear, escaping an intruder, or fleeing from a fire. Your stress hormones kick in. You are full on in survival mode. You have super strength, heightened senses, incredible focus, and an over abundance of energy. In the history of mankind, this reaction has saved countless lives and serves a great purpose.

Covert narcissists carry a huge feeling of superiority. Their attitude is, “I’m special, no one understands me, I’m ahead of my time, others can’t keep up.” This includes you. They feel that they are your superior and that you have to be “helped” by them. They feel that they are light years ahead of everyone else and that no one else can possibly keep up.

The rules of life simply do not apply to a covert narcissist. They carry huge amounts of entitlement, superiority, and hypocrisy.

When you discover that your marriage is emotionally and psychologically abusive, it becomes consuming! You read like a madperson. Googling words like narcissism, emotional abuse, gaslighting, grey rock, projection, PTSD, and so on.

You are exhausted!! To the point of no longer being able to function. Even making small decisions such as what to fix for dinner is beyond your current capabilities.

I was in a 20 year marriage, and divorce had been coming for a long time. For a few years, my friends and family kept asking me when I was actually going to file. My answer was always, “I don’t know, yet but I am confident that I will know when it is time.” Every day it just didn’t feel right yet. That was okay, because every day I did the next right thing to get me closer to ready. 

This very thought can keep you hooked in a bad relationship for years!

I used to think to myself, “It would not matter who I was with, there will always be problems, disagreements, issues. It could be far worse. I can stick this out.”

To a covert narcissist, conversations are transactions, and ALL transactions must end in their favor. In business transactions, the narcissist values winning far more than playing fairly. They must “win” at all costs. 

A covert narcissist must always be right about all things. They already know everything you are telling them before you even speak a word. They know what everyone is going to say, what everyone means behind their words, what everyone is going to do, and what should be done in every situation. Their great knowledge is clearly far superior to everyone else’s. They are right about it all.

With the spreading issues of narcissism and codependency, it has become common for marriage to mean enmeshment. The narcissist expects it with them being the dominant figure. The codependent expects it with them being the submissive figure.

Covert narcissists are emotionally unavailable, extremely locked up with a monstrous wall around their heart. They are not reachable behind this wall. You always feel like there is a giant abyss between you and them. Often, the only emotion that is able to break through that wall is their own anger. All the other emotions are bottled up inside them. They commonly learn to mimic emotions from others, but these remain shallow and manipulated.

“I get all my emotional validation from you.” 

These words were spoken by my covert narcissist husband. At the time, we had been married about 18 years. I had been holding him up emotionally for all of our marriage, catering to his feelings, tap dancing around his moods, and working hard to make him feel good about himself. 

Is emotional abuse really abuse? I mean, they don’t hit me. I don’t have bruises or broken bones. They just talk mean to me! Or they just invalidate me, over and over. Or they just ignore me and refuse to talk to me for days on end.

Covert narcissists are extremely emotionally challenged. They are simply not capable of building healthy, intimate relationships. Their own survival tactics get in the way again and again.

You get mad at him/her because you still expect them to behave like a reasonable person. They have shown over and over that they are not going to do this.

I get asked often, “How do I stop getting mad at them? How do I just ignore the bad behavior?

Stop expecting them to behave like a decent and reasonable person.