Covert narcissists are extremely emotionally challenged. They are simply not capable of building healthy, intimate relationships. Their own survival tactics get in the way again and again.
Many victims work so hard to cover for their deficiencies. We do so much extra work to help them build decent relationships. This might be with us, the victim, or with others, such as family members, close friends, even their own kids.
I worked so hard to create a relationship between my husband and his own two boys. Even though he talked so mean to them, I told them that he loves them and cares for them. I came up with so many activities that they could do together in hopes that it would bring some connection. I encouraged the activities, setting things up for everyone, making sure it happened, and even participating too just to help keep the peace. All of this was for the purpose of creating a good relationship between the three of them.
Of course, none of that worked. The relationship between my husband and his boys has always been extremely strained. But why did I do all that work?
After many years of trying to get my husband to interact with kindness and compassion, I became incredibly frustrated and exhausted. I worked so hard to help him to understand, so that he could turn the relationships in a positive direction. None of it helped, and I ran out of ideas. It simply became easier to do the work for him. It was easier, quicker and less frustrating than enduring circular conversations, gaslighting, blame shifting, projecting, and so on. It was the only way I could keep even a small amount of my sanity.