Covert narcissists are emotionally unavailable, extremely locked up with a monstrous wall around their heart. They are not reachable behind this wall. You always feel like there is a giant abyss between you and them. Often, the only emotion that is able to break through that wall is their own anger. All the other emotions are bottled up inside them. They commonly learn to mimic emotions from others, but these remain shallow and manipulated.
They are emotionally blind, with no ability to see the emotions of another person. They have no ability to distinguish between when you are upset or happy. You can be in a great mood, having a wonderful day, and they will ask you, “Why are you upset?” When you are talking with them, it can certainly feel like they don’t hear anything that you are saying. They hear the words, but nothing more. They have no recognition of your feelings and emotions.
They are emotionally challenged. They are unable to genuinely connect with people. They cannot build a relationship of trust, which requires vulnerability. They are not capable of being vulnerable in any way and thus have no ability to compromise or “give” in the relationship. Your explanations of emotional pain simply don’t make sense to them.
They are emotionally needy, wanting everyone else to make them feel better about themselves. It is everyone else’s fault that they are unhappy, and it is everyone else’s job to make them happy, which of course is not possible. They feed off of your emotional energy because they have none of their own. Victims find themselves completely drained and exhausted.
They are emotional vampires, robbing you of all your emotional energy. Feeding off your positive feelings, stealing all your emotional energy, and projecting their emotional negativity onto you. They have no ability to create an environment of emotional safety, leaving you walking on eggshells with your guard on high alert.
None of this creates an environment where you can grow emotionally. You need emotional safety. You need emotional warmth. You need emotional connection. You need emotional freedom. You need emotional strength.