“If I could just find the right words, then they would stop treating me this way.”
“The right words will help them to understand why what they are doing is hurting me, and they will stop.”
I absolutely wore my brain out trying to find those magical right words! There simply was not an angle left that I didn’t try. “Maybe these words, this approach, this tone of voice, this perspective, etc.” It was an endless effort and extremely taxing on both my head and my heart. To top it all off, it never did any good! After 20 years of marriage, I had no words left.
All of this effort just kept all the responsibility on my own shoulders. I used to think, “If I am not able to find the right words, then I cannot be mad at him for not getting it.” What!! Since when did I become the counselor? I am telling you now that it is NOT your job to help them understand. I am not saying don’t make any effort when someone has hurt your feelings.
But I am saying that when you explain how you feel and the other person works hard to NOT understand you, then this is not your responsibility. It is not your job to keep explaining it to someone who doesn’t get it and isn’t putting any effort into getting it. In fact, they work against you every step of the way, explaining all the ways that you are wrong and having an answer for everything. They clearly don’t WANT to get it.
Quit explaining it to them. Quit searching for those magical words. Quit blaming yourself for not explaining it “right.” They are actively working against understanding, making all sorts of excuses and counter arguments. You CANNOT possibly explain something to someone who does NOT want to understand. Don’t blame yourself for this!!