To a covert narcissist, conversations are transactions, and ALL transactions must end in their favor. In business transactions, the narcissist values winning far more than playing fairly. They must “win” at all costs.
What do they define as a win? Healthy partners see a win when both people can walk away happy and peaceful. Both sides get a little of what they want, and both sides give a little to help the other person out. This brings deeper connection and deeper love into the relationship.
With a covert narcissist, if they give a little, they already see themselves as losing. They cannot give even an inch. So it is not possible for both sides to walk away happy and peaceful. The covert narcissist can walk away happy, well, sort of….they are never actually happy...satisfied might be a better word for it. They see themselves as a WINNER! But the victim will never walk away happy and peaceful. Instead, you are full of confusion and frustration, every time.
You are seeking desperately for a deeper connection with them. You are working so hard to find a way to their heart. You want nothing more than to love them and be loved by them. But it always seems unreachable. You just can’t ever actually get there. Why not?? What is SO wrong?? To the covert narcissist, it is always a competition, and they must always win! You are NOT a teammate, but rather you ARE a competitor!
The easiest way to not lose a competition is to not play. Stop trying to compromise or negotiate with the covert narcissist. Stop trying to turn conversations to a win-win. Stop trying to find a middle ground. There isn’t one to be found!!!
Don’t try to get them to understand your point of view. They won’t!
Don’t wait for them to agree or validate what you are saying. They never will!
Don’t expect them to be happy and peaceful in a normal conversation. They can’t do it!
Say what you need to say. Don’t worry about how they react to it. Their reactions are illogical and manipulative. If you feel you need to, listen one time to what they are saying. Don’t react to it. Then, as soon as possible, leave the conversation. You don’t have to justify leaving. You are allowed to simply walk away.