Why I Chose to Stay: Navigating a Relationship with a Covert Narcissist

A Marriage in Conflict

I was 15 years into my marriage. Our kids were 13 and 11. The environment in our home was unpredictable, swinging between hot and cold.

Good Times

- When he was at work or traveling.

- When he was gaming upstairs or asleep.

Bad Times

- When he was around.

- When he tried to participate in family activities.

- When things didn’t go as he expected—a random, exhausting guessing game of his desires.

Sprinkled in were occasional good times with him—an evening that stayed positive or an activity that actually went well. But mostly, our days existed in this strange, "okay" place. It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t fulfilling.

In this "okay" place, you don’t feel connected, valued, or cared for. You simply co-exist until things spiral into chaos. Even during the calm moments, hypervigilance takes over. You’re constantly anticipating conflict, working around them, and avoiding potential triggers. I talked about this recently in my episode, *Emotional Abuse Consumption – The 100% Impact of 10% Abuse.*

Why Didn’t I Just Leave?

I shared my struggles with a friend. Her response was, “Why don’t you just leave?” It was a well-meaning question, but it wasn’t what I needed. I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to understand, fix, and make things better.

I cringe every time someone asks a victim of covert narcissism, “Why are you still there?” or “Why haven’t you left?” While this question may fit in certain conversations, it can also come across as judgmental and dismissive, leaving the victim feeling worse.

Harmful Messages Behind “Why Don’t You Leave?”

• You’re not strong enough to stand up for yourself.

• You don’t love yourself enough.

• You chose this, so it’s on you.

• If you’re staying, I can’t help you.

These attitudes hurt someone already living in a painful situation. Making them feel worse isn’t the answer.

Reasons Why People Stay

If you’re choosing to stay, you’re not alone. Everyone’s journey is unique, and there are many valid reasons for staying. Let’s explore some of them:

Investment

You’ve built a life together, committing emotionally, mentally, and physically. Walking away from everything you’ve invested in feels overwhelming.

Family Stability

Keeping the family unit intact, especially for the kids, might feel like the better option. You value the ripple effects your decisions have on parents, grandparents, and extended family.

Commitment to Personal Values

You’re committed to understanding, forgiving, and trying to make things work. You value loyalty and don’t want to give up easily.

Financial Concerns

Separating can bring financial strain, and the thought of taking on those challenges alone may feel impossible.

Hope for Change

You hold onto glimpses of improvement, believing that things could get better.

Cultural or Religious Beliefs

Personal values, religious teachings, or cultural expectations may encourage staying.

Fear of the Unknown

Staying can feel safer than stepping into the unknown, especially if you’re unsure what life apart might look like.

Whatever your reasons, they’re valid. No one else can make this decision for you.

Living with a Covert Narcissist

For those who stay, navigating a relationship with a covert narcissist requires tools and strategies to protect your mental and emotional health. While you can’t change their behavior, you can take steps to safeguard your peace.

Tools to Navigate the Relationship

Don’t Try to Change Them

Their behavior is their choice, not yours. Redirect your energy toward yourself rather than trying to manage or fix them.

Set Clear Boundaries

Define what you will and won’t tolerate. For example, "I will not engage in conversations when my fight/flight response is triggered." Boundaries won’t change them but will protect you.

Practice Emotional Detachment

Covert narcissists thrive on emotional reactions. Detaching doesn’t mean ignoring your feelings; it means not letting them control your emotions.

Choose Your Battles

Not every disagreement needs to be addressed. Pick battles carefully to preserve your energy and sanity.

Find Support

Seek out trusted friends, family, therapists, or support groups. Choose people who respect your decision to stay and offer nonjudgmental support.

Focus on Self-Care

Prioritize your well-being by carving out personal time, nurturing your mental health, staying physically active, and practicing mindfulness. Journaling, walking, or even punching a workout bag can help release overwhelming emotions.

Reframing Your Choice

Choosing to stay doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re navigating life in a way that feels right for you at this moment. This choice isn’t set in stone; you can revisit it as your circumstances evolve.

Instead of focusing on others’ judgments, ask yourself, *What do I need to feel stable and grounded right now?* If staying provides that stability, honor your decision. You are the expert of your life, and your reasons are valid.

Closing Thoughts

To everyone choosing to stay in a relationship with a covert narcissist, know this: you are not alone. Your choice does not define your worth or strength. Life is a journey, and you’re navigating it with courage every day.

Take care of yourself, protect your peace, and remember that you have the power to revisit this decision when you’re ready. If this message resonates with you, share it with someone who might need it. For tools, resources, or support, visit www.covertnarcissism.com.

I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing.

Intimacy Issues with a Covert Narcissist

A Question That Haunts Many

Today, I want to explore a question that lingers in the hearts of so many: *Why can’t I feel intimate with my partner?* If you’ve found yourself asking this, let me assure you, you’re not alone. Intimacy, that deep connection we all crave, can feel impossible when you’re caught in the web of emotional abuse.

The Silent Erosion of Intimacy

Let me share a story to illustrate this. Picture a woman who, one quiet evening, tries to tell her partner about a tough day at work. She’s vulnerable, her guard down, hoping for empathy. Instead, she’s met with a sigh and the dismissive comment, “Why do you always have to complain about everything?”

The moment she hoped would bring them closer becomes a weapon that hurts her. Over time, she learns to keep her thoughts to herself, building walls around her heart brick by brick. And just like that, intimacy begins to erode.

Or imagine a man sitting alone at the kitchen table late at night, replaying the events of the day. His partner’s sharp words, subtle put-downs, and dismissive attitude weigh heavily on him. Earlier, he suggested they spend time together—watch a movie, perhaps. Her response? “Why would I waste my evening that way?”

He didn’t argue; he never does anymore. He cleaned the kitchen, folded laundry, and avoided another cutting remark. Now, sitting alone, he wonders: *Why can’t I feel close to her? Why do I feel so alone, even when she’s right here?*

Does this sound familiar? Emotional abuse doesn’t always look like shouting or slamming doors. Sometimes, it’s the quiet erosion of intimacy through criticism, dismissal, and emotional distance.

How Emotional Abuse Chips Away at Intimacy

Emotional abuse creates an environment where intimacy cannot thrive. Here’s why:

Trust Is Undermined: When your words are twisted and thrown back at you, trust erodes. Covert narcissists use subtle invalidation and inconsistency, leaving you hesitant to share your feelings.

Emotional Availability Is Absent: Covert narcissists often lack genuine emotional depth. Their surface-level engagement leaves you feeling unseen and unheard.

Unpredictability Creates Emotional Exhaustion: One day they’re warm and attentive; the next, they’re cold and critical. This unpredictability keeps you from building a stable connection.

Your Vulnerability Is Betrayed: Confiding in a partner, only to have your words used against you later, stifles openness and intimacy.

Emotional Energy Is Depleted: Managing their moods and avoiding conflict consumes your energy, leaving little for nurturing connection.

Intimacy Becomes a Transaction: Love and attention feel like rewards you must earn, undermining mutual respect and equality.

Even physical closeness may feel hollow, as the emotional intimacy that binds physical connection is often missing.

Signs Intimacy Is Eroding

How do you know if intimacy is eroding in your relationship? Here are some signs:

Emotional Signs

• Conversations stay surface-level; vulnerability is gone.

• Communication becomes strained, with frequent misunderstandings.

• You feel unseen, unheard, or invalidated by your partner.

• Resentment and irritation overshadow affection.

Physical Signs

• Hugs, kisses, and other gestures become less frequent.

• Physical intimacy feels mechanical, lacking emotional connection.

• Avoidance of physical contact altogether.

Behavioral Signs

• One partner withdraws emotionally or isolates themselves.

• Efforts to spend quality time diminish.

• Conflicts remain unresolved, creating lingering tension.

Mental and Emotional Indicators

• You feel lonely even when your partner is present.

• You question whether your partner still cares.

• Emotional exhaustion makes connection feel impossible.

The Blame Game

Have you ever thought, *If only I were more patient, loving, or understanding, things would be different?* You’re not alone. But intimacy is not a solo effort; it’s a two-way street. If your partner isn’t meeting you with vulnerability, effort, and emotional availability, the erosion of intimacy is inevitable—and it’s not your fault.

Breaking Free from the Cycle

So, what can you do if intimacy has eroded in your relationship? Here are some steps to consider:

1. Acknowledge the Reality: Recognize the role emotional abuse plays in eroding intimacy. Naming it is the first step toward clarity.

2. Set Boundaries: Protect your emotional and physical well-being. For example, say, *I won’t engage in this conversation if you’re yelling.*

3. Seek Support: Find trusted friends, support groups, or therapists to help you navigate your experiences.

4. Prioritize Self-Care: Refill your emotional tank with activities that bring you peace and joy, like journaling, walking, or spending time with supportive people.

5. Consider the Relationship’s Future: Reflect on whether the relationship can meet your needs for intimacy, trust, and emotional safety.

Closing Thoughts

Intimacy is one of the most beautiful parts of human connection. It allows us to be seen, loved, and understood for who we truly are. If you’re struggling to feel intimate with your partner, know this: you are not broken, and you are not alone. You deserve a relationship where intimacy flows freely, built on trust, safety, and mutual respect.

Thank you for sharing this time with me today. If this resonated with you, please pass it along to someone who needs it. And if you’re ready to take the next step in your healing journey, visit covertnarcissism.com to learn more about my coaching services. You are not alone on this path, and I’m here to walk it with you.

I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing.

Emotional Abuse Consumption

The 100% Impact of 10% abuse

Imagine this: A husband hits his wife twice a month. She never knows what will trigger it or when it will happen, but it’s inevitable. The other days of the month? He’s kind, attentive, and even generous. He helps with chores, pays bills, engages in meaningful conversations, and buys her gifts. On the surface, 94% of their days together seem good. But does this make it a healthy marriage? Would anyone advise her to stay? The answer is a resounding no.

Now, let’s replace physical abuse with emotional, verbal, or psychological abuse. For some reason, society tends to minimize this type of harm. People rationalize, “It isn’t that bad,” or “It’s not all the time.” But the truth is, the impact of emotional abuse is just as pervasive and damaging—and that’s what I want to explore today.

The Insidious Nature of Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse is often described as insidious, and for good reason. It doesn’t have to happen constantly to dominate your thoughts, emotions, and decisions. Even if it occurs 10-25% of the time, it can consume your mind 100% of the time.

The Pie Chart of Abuse

Let’s visualize this with a pie chart:

Imagine 6% of the chart is red, representing the days when abuse happens. The remaining 94% is green, representing the “good” days.

 On paper, this pie chart looks overwhelmingly positive. But for the victim, it tells a different story. Even though the abusive events only occur on a few days, the fear, anticipation, and recovery from those incidents occupy their mind 100% of the time.

Now consider a covert narcissist. Their verbally and psychologically abusive behavior may only account for 10-25% of the time, leaving most days in a strange, okay-but-tense state. Yet, the mental and emotional toll is constant. You’re stuck anticipating, analyzing, and recovering from the abuse, even on the “good” days.

The Emotional Landmine Effect

Imagine walking through a field littered with landmines. Most of the field is safe, but a few hidden mines make every step potentially dangerous. Even though the majority of the land is safe, you’re consumed by fear. You tread carefully, hypervigilant, and paralyzed by the possibility of an explosion.

This is what living with emotional abuse feels like. You’re constantly bracing for the next outburst, overanalyzing every word and action:

• Will this set them off?

• Am I going to pay for this later?

• What if I say it wrong?

Even the simplest interactions become exhausting. The abuse may not be happening at every moment, but the mental and emotional toll is unrelenting.

The Ratio of Time vs. Impact

The actual moments of abuse might seem like small slivers of time. But their unpredictability and severity overshadow everything else. Here’s why:

Anticipation: You spend hours, even days, walking on eggshells, trying to prevent an outburst.

Aftermath: Post-incident, you replay the situation in your mind, questioning what you did wrong or how you could have stopped it.

Hypervigilance: Even on “good” days, you’re on high alert, scanning for signs of impending abuse.

This constant vigilance creates a mental load that drains your energy and consumes your life. It’s not just about the abusive episodes; it’s about the time in between, filled with fear and anxiety.

The Hidden Cost of Emotional Abuse

When people outside the relationship look at the pie chart, they only see the abuse that happens in specific moments. They don’t see the other pie chart—the one that represents the victim’s mental and emotional experience. For the victim, the abuse is not confined to isolated incidents; it’s an all-encompassing reality.

Breaking the Cycle

So how can you stop emotional abuse from consuming your mind? The first step is awareness—recognizing the full impact of the abuse on your mental and emotional well-being. It’s not just about the abusive incidents themselves; it’s about the ripple effects that touch every part of your life.

Steps to Reclaim Your Mind

1. Name It: Start by calling it what it is: emotional abuse. Naming it helps you see it clearly and separate it from your sense of self-worth.

2. Set Boundaries: Boundaries aren’t about controlling the abuser; they’re about protecting yourself. For example, *I won’t engage in this conversation if you’re yelling at me.*

3. Find Support: Seek help from trusted friends, support groups, or therapists who can help you process your experiences.

4. Focus on Self-Care: Replenish your energy with activities that bring you joy and peace, whether it’s journaling, walking, or spending time with supportive people.

5. Take Small Steps Toward Freedom: Leaving an abusive relationship can feel overwhelming, but even small steps—like saving money or building a support system—can help you regain independence.

Closing Thoughts

Emotional abuse may not leave visible scars, but its impact runs deep. It consumes your thoughts, your emotions, and your sense of self. But here’s the thing: you have the power to take back your mind. It starts with recognizing the abuse for what it is and taking steps, however small, to reclaim your mental and emotional space.

If this resonates with you, know that you’re not alone. Healing is possible, and you deserve a life free from the constant weight of emotional abuse. Better days are ahead, and you are strong enough to create a life filled with safety, peace, and love.

I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing.

3 Simple Steps for Boundary Setting with a Covert Narcissist

“You don’t even care that I’m having a bad day!” 

“Why do you always try to see the bright side of things? That’s so pointless and stupid!”

“Sure, go read your book. You could be spending time with me, you know?”

After you have spent countless hours trying to support and help them.

Grandiose narcissists cross physical boundaries. They overstep and hit you physically, shoving you, grabbing you, hitting you. They have no regard for your physical space.

Vulnerable narcissists, often referred to as covert narcissists, cross emotional boundaries. They overstep and hit you emotionally, blaming you, guilting you, dismissing you. They have no regard for your emotional space.

Boundaries may often be crossed in ways that can be so subtle that we don’t even realize it, especially when dealing with covert narcissists. But the impact is massive! Today I want to give you 3 steps that you can take to help set better boundaries with a covert narcissist.

Now these 3 steps are not going to magically fix your relationship. They aren’t going to all of a sudden cause the covert narcissist to get it and start treating you better. These boundaries aren’t for them. These boundaries are for you. To give you the space to be the person you want to be and quit taking all these emotional hits from this abusive person in your life.

Whether this is your spouse, your parent, your adult child, your coworker, your friend…no matter the relationship, these steps create a buffer around you, creating some emotional breathing space.

Three steps

Acknowledge their feeling in a simple statement focused on them

State your boundary/feeling in a simple statement focused on you

Redirect the conversation in a simple positive direction

Why acknowledge their feelings?? Haven’t we done that enough? YES!! But this step allows you to be the compassionate and caring person you want to be. Being compassionate is about you, not them. This simple statement of, “I hear that you are upset” keeps you grounded in who you are. I no longer give them the ability to make me someone that I am not!

State your boundary? I thought we aren’t supposed to voice it to them. If you are out of the relationship, no contact, or at the very least quite distant, then this is true. However, if you are still in the marriage, in the home, co-parenting young children, then you might need to voice these boundaries. Now don’t expect the covert narcissist to automatically follow them. You aren’t voicing them for that person. You are voicing them for you. I will explain more on this as we go.

How do I redirect them? Have some safe topics, topics they like to talk about and you don’t have to really engage, topics that are easy to avoid conflict - work, current events, even ones that they feel passionate about but you are willing to not speak your opinion, their hobbies, future plans, food, cooking, nature.

Here are some specific examples of boundary violations from a covert narcissist and how to use this strategy.

1. **Emotional Dumping:** 

You have a right to not carry their burdens or pay the price for their emotional struggles.

There is a difference between caring for someone’s struggles, supporting them, and paying a price for the struggles they have.

They dump their problems on you, anxieties and dramas. They shoot down any comfort you offer or ideas you share. 

Natural boundary - with non-narcissistic people. People who have empathy recognize the way that their emotions affect those around them. They will guard against dumping their feelings all over you. While they might express some frustrations, this will be protected in some way. 

They limit the amount of time this takes. They apologize for expressing their frustration. They thank you for listening and for caring. They say, “I know you can’t do anything to help this, so you don’t have to say anything. Sorry and thank you.” They don’t expect you to fix this for them. They put effort into moving on. They might voice some of their own ideas for moving forward. They listen and express gratitude for any ideas you offer. 

They don’t trap you for hours in an exhausting and draining monologue, shooting down anything you say, and wallowing in self-pity pushing you to join them. So you don’t have to purposefully set a boundary with them. They already have a natural boundary within themselves.

Covert narcissists are not like this. They frequently share problems and burdens that you cannot help with and expect you to provide endless comfort. They rattle on and on about the problem, waiting for you to join them with your reactions. Waiting for you to join in their misery. If you don’t exhibit big enough reactions, they will continue seemingly forever. They never realize the drain this has on you or that maybe you don’t want to be in a bad mood too.

Covert narcissists stay in that dumping mode for extended periods of time. If you try to shift in a positive direction, they shoot you down. If you express potential solutions, they always have a reason why that won’t work or a snide remark about it. “That won’t work, that’s a dumb idea.” Aren’t you listening to me? This is so bad.” 

“Why should I try to fix it? It isn’t my fault this happened.” They have no interest in putting in any effort to fix things. But they will roll around in the mud forever and drag you in with them.

You try offering encouragement or a positive perspective. They might even tell you that you just always try to see the positive in things. “What’s the point of that?!” 

They might ultimately conclude, “you don’t even care that I’m having a bad day.” This after you have been actively listening to them and trying to encourage them for over an hour or several hours. And that this scenario has repeated for days on end throughout your entire relationship. They simply add you to their list of why life sucks right now. In fact, they throw you to the top of it, even though you are the one sticking around and trying to help them.

Emotional dumping from a covert narcissist puts you in a no-win situation. You are either stuck listening for hours with no way out or you get blamed for not caring enough. There is absolutely no care from them for you, your heart, and the position this dumping puts you in.

Boundary - 

I hear that you are feeling down, and I do hate that for you. 

I am not equipped to help you with this. 

If you need some time to vent, I can give you that, for about ten minutes or so. Anymore than that makes me feel depressed and ugly inside, and I don’t care for that.

If this problem stays big for you, would you consider talking with a therapist? Would you consider talking with your co-worker on this one? 

I’d love to hear about something positive that happened today.

Personal boundary - 

I will not play the fixer role. 

I will not jump in to be the hero. 

I will let their feelings be their responsibility.

I will trust the support I offer and not feel bad for walking away.

I will not stay engaged until they are feeling better (this can keep you trapped for hours)

2. **Guilt-Tripping:** 

They make you feel guilty for not showing them enough attention or for wanting to spend any time with your friends and family or doing activities of your own. It is normal to do activities that do not include your spouse. It is normal to have time with your other friends or with your own family. Marriage does not mean these things just disappear.

It is normal to have your own activities, such as a book club, pickleball, singing in a choir, working out in a gym, watching a movie with your friends. These are normal activities, and it is completely acceptable to do them without your spouse and without their permission. 

Covert narcissists want all of your attention for them and only them. They don’t want to share you with friends, your own family, your own kids, or even your own pets.

Examples

When I went to the symphony with my friend, he told me that I never go to things with him. He was sullen and grumpy. “I wanted to take you out for your birthday” (this wasn’t even on my birthday). My birthday was still a week away. Did he take me out? No, of course not. But he sure made me feel bad for going out with my girlfriend.

Boundary - 

I hear that you are feeling down.

I don’t like to feel bad for doing things with my friends. 

I don’t like to feel guilty for wanting to do my own activities sometimes.

It sounds like you want to do something together, so how about we plan something for next weekend? What would you like to do?

Personal boundary - 

I will not feel bad or feel guilty for doing an activity with my friend. 

I will focus on my time with my friend while we are together.

I will not give my partner my mental or emotional space while enjoying this time with my friend.

When I would lay on the floor and pet the dog

He would lay his head on my lap. Take my hand from the dog and put it on his head.

He would wiggle his way between me and my dog and say, “I’m here.” 

Funny thing is that he would call the dogs jealous.

Boundary - 

I hear/see that you feel left out. 

I don’t like to feel bad for giving my dog some love. 

I would love to hear about your day. How was work? 

Or are you looking forward to our upcoming holiday?

Personal boundary - 

I will not change my way of interacting with my pet. 

I will not allow myself to feel bad or guilty for giving my pet attention. 

Taking time for me

When I would take some time to myself, to read, take a bath, watch a show, I would get passive aggressive comments such as, “Sure, go read by yourself…” “Why would you watch that? Such a waste of time.” “You could be spending time with me, you know.”

He took time to himself all the time. Playing his video games, watching movies, sleeping on the couch, all the time. While I cooked, cleaned, cared for the kids, took care of the pets, packed lunches for the next day, grocery shopped, and so on, yet anytime I took for myself to finally relax…he wanted that time for him and made these passive aggressive remarks.

Boundary - 

I understand that you are feeling alone right now.

I don’t like to feel bad for taking time for myself and doing things I enjoy.

How does tomorrow night sound for some time together? What would you like to do? 

Personal boundary - 

I will not feel bad for taking time for myself.

I will prioritize doing things that I enjoy.

These tools can be incredibly helpful for children and teenagers in particular. Help them to learn to express their own needs and boundaries this way. This conversation might start in regards to their friends, but they will learn very valuable skills. Ultimately, they will begin to apply them to their parent. In fact, don’t be surprised if they apply them to you.

They need to practice stating these boundaries with people who are safe before they can feel comfortable enough to voice them to people who are not safe. Give them that space to practice this with you.

On that same note, as you work on boundaries, don’t start by setting boundaries with the hardest person in your life. Do these with people who will honor and respect you and your needs. You will be surprised at how easy these conversations go.

Don’t expect them to go this easy with a covert narcissist. But the extra practice will help you to stay clear on what you want to express. 

I also want to be honest with you for a minute here. Do I think that this is going to magically fix this relationship you are in, absolutely not! This isn’t about fixing your marriage or your relationship with your narcissistic parent. This is about you being able to acknowledge their feelings with continued compassion, state your needs and boundaries simply and moving forward. This isn’t about finding the right way for them. It is about finding the right way for you.

I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing.

Covert Narcissists Need a Supply and a Scapegoat

Let’s play a little game of who am I

“I want people to worship the ground I walk on. Clearly I deserve it. Everyone is thinking about me all the time. They think about what I’m doing. They think about what I want. They think about how much they want to be like me. They think about how awesome I am.”

Who am I? Would you say a narcissist?

“I want to blame everything on others. Everything is their fault. Coworkers, family, neighbors. They screwed up everything. They didn’t do anything right. They really should be thinking about how not to upset me. I can’t believe how clueless and horrible they are.”

Who am I? Again, another narcissist

“I want this one person to worship me. This one person must think about me all the time. He/She must validate me at all times, support everything I do, agree with everything I say, and think I am amazing.”

Who am I? A covert narcissist

“You are doing everything wrong. You can’t ever get anything right. You should really be glad that I am here to help you because you mess everything up all the time. Things aren’t partly your fault. They are completely your fault. You are 100% to blame for anything and everything.”

Once again, a covert narcissist

Narcissistic people need two dominant things: supply and scapegoats. They need someone who cares for their every need and want. This supply feeds their ego, boosting them up, laughing at all of their jokes, hanging on every word they say, and giving them all of their attention. In addition, they need scapegoats. Nothing is ever their fault, so they need somewhere for their blame to go, all the time. Everything that has ever gone wrong in their life is to be blamed on someone or something else.

Covert narcissistic individuals zero in on one person. They become laser focused on YOU. What you are thinking, what you are doing, who you are with, and what you are saying. They have picked you out as the target of their attention and thus your whole world must now center around them. They don’t want the attention of everyone in the room, but they certainly want ALL of your attention.

In the same way, covert narcissists don’t need to blame the whole world for their problems. They have you. You become their sole scapegoat. Everything, and I mean everything, is 100% your fault. Not partly your fault, but rather completely your fault. As you naturally pull back from this painful situation, it is only a matter of time before you are no longer their supply, but you are firmly their scapegoat.

If you are out together, you must make sure you are sitting right beside them. You must be sure to hold their hand, smile at them, laugh at all their jokes, cling to every word that comes out of their mouth. They have chosen you and thus you now give up your own identity to become an extension of them.

They don’t want the attention of everyone in the room. That is the overt narcissist’s style. They don’t want/need everyone to worship them. They believe they deserve it, but they also believe that no one else realizes this. So they are a constant victim of everyone’s ignorance. So instead they just focus on one person’s attention…yours.

Overt narcissists are focused on more people and winning the attention of more people.

Covert narcissists are focused on one person and winning that one person’s full attention.

What is narcissistic supply?

I remember the first time I heard this phrase. I thought it sounded kind of harsh. I’m not a supply to him.  He doesn’t see me as supply. That doesn’t make sense. Supply is something to be consumed. This is a relationship, not an economic transaction. There is no supply and demand here. At least, I didn’t think there was. Yet, the more I watched, the more I paid attention to his interactions with me, the more I realized that perhaps he did.

Maybe this was a supply and demand relationship. The transaction was an emotional transaction. I had all the supply and he had all the demand. I had the emotional care, empathy, attention, and genuineness. I had all the goods, and he brought all the demand. He brought a deficit of emotional care, empathy, attention and genuineness. He even told me once that I wasn’t allowed to pull away from him because he gets all his emotional validation from me. This was a relationship built on the concept of supply and demand. No wonder everything felt transactional. It was.

Narcissistic people need supply. Covert narcissists want one supplier, and they want all of that one supplier’s stuff. In farming terms, the consumer, the narcissist, doesn’t want to get their corn from multiple farms. They want just one supplier. But they want to then control that one supplier. I am taking all of your product, thus you will do this my way. You will run your machines the way I tell think you should. You will trim your crops the way I think you should. And you can’t give your corn to any other buyer. I am the only one for you.

So you can’t give your emotional energy to anyone else. You can’t offer your attention and care to others without it being a problem. This includes your friends, your family, even your own children. Remember, the covert narcissist doesn’t want to share you with others.

What is Narcissistic Scapegoat?

Now I said they need supply and they need a scapegoat. So let’s describe what a scapegoat is. A scapegoat is someone to blame. The definition is really that simple. Do you know where the term scapegoat comes from? This term comes from Christian literature. It comes from the Bible, the book of Leviticus. In Leviticus, the sins of the people are symbolically placed upon a goat. That goat is then released into the wilderness. It symbolically carried the weight of everyone’s sins, freeing them from the responsibility and the consequences. 

The word was first used by Protestant scholar William Tyndale in the 1500s. This scholar was translating the Hebrew Bible into English. He coined the phrase scapegoat based on this ancient religious practice.

That’s a great deal for the people. You can sin all you want. When the time comes, we will lay all the sins on the goat and release the goat into the wilderness. Scapegoating has continues as a phrase today to mean laying the responsibility for your crimes, sins, bad behavior onto someone else. I blame that other person and they have to deal with the consequences. Not me. This is a great deal for the perpetrator.

How does this play out for the covert narcissist? They do the bad behavior - yell at you, rage at the kids, slam the door and lock themselves in the room, give you the silent treatment for weeks. All of this antagonistic and manipulative behavior. When they are called out on it, they blame it on you. 

“If you had not spilled the milk, I wouldn’t have gotten mad and yelled at you.”

“If you hadn’t bought the wrong kind of milk, I wouldn’t have slammed the door.”

“If you hadn’t fussed at me about not picking my stuff up, I wouldn’t have raged at the kids.”

You know, everyone gets mad at times. Everyone has those moments. But not everyone yells and calls people names. Not everyone slams doors and rages at the kids. People get mad, but people have a checkpoint on their behavior. I might be mad, but if I yell at people, then they will feel bad. I don’t want them to feel bad, so I keep my behavior in check. I am concerned about the feelings of others and want to protect them. This is empathy. 

Narcissistic people do not have empathy. So they do not have a checkpoint to stop their impulsive behavior. They don’t have a way to see how their behavior will affect others. We all have impulsive thoughts. That moment where you just want to scream at the person in front of you. I can’t believe you don’t understand what I am saying! How could you not get this! But not all of us act on our impulsive desires and put others down. We recognize that this will hurt that person. It will upset them and cause them to feel bad, and we don't want that. So we keep our reactions in check. This is empathy.

I want to give you an example here

Let’s say that your partner comes over to go out with you. You comment that you don’t think their shirt is fancy enough for the restaurant you are headed to. They become extremely defensive and reactive to your words. They jump in their car and aggressively drive to their apartment to change. On the way, their aggressive and erratic driving causes them to get in an accident. Now they are super mad at you. “Because you didn’t like my shirt, I got into an accident.” Wrong! You are allowed to voice your opinion about the shirt. You did not make them drive anywhere and certainly did not choose their mindset behind the wheel. Laying the blame on you is scapegoating.

This is how you fall from the pedestal in a narcissistic relationship. You are their supply. As such, you are practically worshiped. You are protected, cared for, and important. As you go through life with the CN, you pull away from the role of supplier. Maybe you realize this and maybe you don’t, but you no longer supply the covert narcissist. Well, now you become the scapegoat. Everything is your fault. It absolutely cannot be the covert narcissist’s fault. 

It is time to refuse to be their goat. No more! They are responsible for their actions and behaviors, period! Not you.

I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing.

Covert Narcissists are Adult Bullies

Bullying is NOT a kid’s problem. Someone recently said to me that we deal with bullies in our childhood. Teen years, there may be a few bullies here and there, but not really. By adulthood, we are past all that kid stuff. Well, this got me to thinking. Are we really past all the bullying behavior in adulthood? I sure don’t feel like we are.

So I looked up the definition of bullying. Bullying is the use of force, coercion, hurtful teasing or threat, to abuse, aggressively dominate or intimidate. The behavior is often repeated and habitual. One essential prerequisite is the perception of an imbalance of physical or social power. This imbalance distinguishes bullying from conflict. This screams covert narcissism.

Bullying Amongst Children

We talk about bullying when it comes to our kids. Schools are adamant that it has to get stopped. Rules and regulations exist to help with this. Yet when we talk about this behavior within our marriage, people blow it off. They don’t take it seriously. They don’t believe us, or they tell us it’s no big deal. This includes attorneys and mediators. Courts tell us we can’t even talk about it. 

Imagine bullying happening in a school and the principal of the school tells the student that they can’t talk about the bullying behavior. What if the principal told the victim of bullying that you can’t use words like “teasing” or “ridiculing?” It would be impossible for this victim then to truly explain what is happening. 

The American Psychological Association defines bullying as a form of aggressive behavior in which someone intentionally and repeatedly causes another person injury or discomfort. Bullying can take the form of physical contact, words, or more subtle actions.

In other words, it does not have to be a physical strike in order to be defined as bullying. Words absolutely count and more subtle actions beyond that.

Teasing and name-calling is bullying.

Teasing can be what the world would call petty, trivial, or small. It might be a small joke at your expense. But if you do not want to be teased, then the behavior should stop!

It doesn’t matter whether the teasing is “in fun” or not. It doesn’t matter whether the words or  name they are calling you is crude or not.

If someone does not wish to be called that name, then the behavior should stop.

If you do not wish to be joked with in this way, then the behavior should stop.

When that boundary is not honored or respected, this is a form of bullying. Covert narcissists do not honor boundaries. When you have voiced your boundary, and the other person refuses to honor it or makes fun of you for having it, this is bullying. This is an intentional choice to cause you discomfort and emotional, mental, psychological injury.

Golden Rule and covert narcissism

Let’s talk about the Golden Rule for a minute here. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

This can seem like a good model to follow, and it can be. But it can also create some problems.

If I want to be treated with respect and have my boundaries honored, then this should certainly go both ways. I should respect others and honor their boundaries. But they get to decide what those boundaries are for themselves. I don’t.

My boundaries may not work for them. If I want to be teased and called names in jest, and thus conclude that I have the “right” to do this to others whether they want it or not, then this is a misuse of that golden rule. It is not okay.

So a covert narcissist that continues calling you a name because they don’t think it is a big deal, this is a form of bullying. If your name of choice is Mary Elizabeth, and they keep calling them Beth, and you have asked you to stop, their refusal to stop is mean, disrespectful, and bullying. They don’t think it is a big deal because to them it isn’t. But to you it is, and they don’t have to understand why. 

A covert narcissistic person that plays only by their own rules will decide that you are making a big deal out of nothing and that it is still okay for them to call you Beth. “What’s the harm? Why is it such a big deal? What’s wrong with you?”

Now the covert narcissist might like being called nicknames, so they continue doing this with you. The Golden Rule does not help here if it is being thought of on a shallow and superficial level. I like being called names, so I have the right to do this to others. This is imposing my own boundaries onto others.

I don’t care if the name they wish to call you is “Pumpkin,” and they think it is endearing, if you do not like it and ask them to stop, then they should stop. Each of us is allowed to decide what our own boundaries for ourselves are.

So instead of “do unto others as I want to be treated, maybe the Golden Rule should say, “Do unto others as they want to be treated.”

Public teasing

Public teasing is a very controlling form of bullying. You, as the victim of it, are trapped. If you react or speak out, it makes everyone there uncomfortable. You know that if you react, the narcissist will compound the situation. They may roll their eyes, make rude facial expressions, and ridicule their victims by mimicking or more teasing.

Those around you might try to laugh it off, in an attempt to settle the situation or to keep peace with the narcissist. One of the rules about narcissism is that the meanest one in the room gets to make the rules. The loudest one, the most vocal one, the one that makes everyone else the most uncomfortable, so everyone works to keep them content, and it comes at your expense. This is incredibly isolating in a situation where you already feel extremely isolated.

smear campaigns is bullying

Another bullying behavior is spreading rumors about someone or intentionally embarrassing someone in a public setting. Ever hear of a smear campaign?

A narcissistic smear campaign is when the narcissist attempts to discredit their target by spreading lies about them, exaggerating their faults or weaknesses, and turning others in the family and circle of friends against them. It can include discrediting them as a parent and turning the kids against them.

Covert narcissists work to control the narrative. They tell the story they want to tell, no matter how far it may be from the truth. Things get exaggerated, blown out of proportion, and taken out of context. Parts of the story get embellished, with just enough trust to confuse those listening. When a narcissist has lost control over their target, the smear campaign is often soon to follow. They are re-establishing their sense of control by working to destroy your reputation and the way others see you.

This bullying behavior works to isolate you from your support network. Your family and friends may believe the narrative of the covert narcissist and in essence turn against you. Or at the very least doubt you. Maybe they don’t entirely buy it, but it may cause them to pull back from you in order to avoid the drama. At a time when you need their support the most, the bully in your life uses their manipulative tactics to push your support away from you.

Another element of the smear campaign is that the narcissist can often play it so that they  come out looking good. They tell their narrative under the guise of “just being concerned.” They will say things such as, “I’m just letting you know this because I really care.” Their supposed concern for you causes them to reach out to your family and friends “just trying to help.” But in these conversations, they air out everything you have ever done or said, out of context, with embellishments, making you look crazy, while they look like the concerned partner. You can see how this influences the perspectives of family and friends, causing them to doubt you and to pull away.

sexual forms of bullying

Other forms of bullying include inappropriate sexual comments and gestures. Just because this is your spouse or partner does not give them the right to make sexual comments that you don’t like. They might try to claim that right. They might even want you to treat them this way. But that goes back to what I was saying about the golden rule. 

A narcissist’s view of the golden rule is to treat you the way they want to be treated. So because they like the crude sexual comments and gestures, they have a right to treat you this way and in fact to demand it in return.

My view of the golden rule is to respect someone the way I want to be respected. I want my boundaries honored, and I want to honor their boundaries. They get the right to define their own boundaries, just like I get the right to define mine. It’s going to look different for them, so if this is someone I care about, I want to learn what respect looks like for them, and I hope that they will do the same for me.

Power imbalance

The last piece of the definition from the American Psychological Association that I would like to address is “One essential requirement for something to be labeled as bullying - the perception of an imbalance of physical or social power. This imbalance distinguishes bullying from conflict.”

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention includes this language in their definition too. They talk about the behavior involving an observed or perceived power imbalance and is repeated multiple times or is highly likely to be repeated.”

There are some clear power imbalances that happen in life that are worth mentioning here

• Being physically stronger and thus able to hurt the other person

• Having more money than the other person

• Having a higher social status or a stronger social network, and having the ability to turn others against the other person and to create their own tribe

• Having more support from family and friends, outnumbering the other person (“they think you are to blame too”)

• Having the assertiveness and confidence to initiate the behavior of making fun of the other person or engage in sophisticated, subtle forms of manipulation, simply willing to do it

• Having access to embarrassing or private information

covert narcissism is not a gender issue

Whether you are dealing with a narcissist male or female, the potential for the power imbalance exists. All of these factors play into this relationship. 

If you are dealing with a narcissistic parent, mom or dad, the parent/child relationship is another power imbalance that gets used against you. “I’m the mom, so you must listen to me. Clearly I know best.” Same is true of the narcissistic dad

These power imbalances come into narcissistic relationships of all sorts. Siblings, friends, coworkers, and spouses or significant others. The gender doesn’t matter!  It isn’t about the gender, it is about the attitude behind their behaviors. The presumptions that they are more superior, more deserving, more special, more put-together, more confident, more worthy than you are of anything, more in control. These definitions call it a perceived power imbalance. It does NOT make it a reality. It is a perception. When you are living with a covert narcissist, it is incredibly easy to perceive that you are inferior to them. Not as smart, not as good, not as strong. They are so good at manipulating these perceptions against you.

In my eyes, narcissism is adult bullying. We have rules and laws in place against bullying, so we need rules and laws to apply to adult relationships too. This needs to be understood as bullying, with detrimental impacts on the victims, even adult victims. I am calling for courts and attorneys to hear this. It is time to stop the bullying! It is time to stop letting the bullies win!

I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing!

His trauma became our trauma

Imagine a 7 year old child that has a Dad for a bully. He yells and rages, intimidating everyone. His demands are exceptional with no room for mistakes. When asked a question, you have to carefully choose your words. Working hard to not upset him. If you answer the “wrong” way, he blows up at you and maybe even strikes you. You are always worried about upsetting him. Talking to him is not safe.

Mom is a peacemaker, trying hard to tiptoe around dad and keep everyone happy. She runs interference as much as she can between you and your dad. Thus, Dad’s anger is often directed at her. He pushes her, hits her, and even throws her against a wall. This is not an environment that promotes a feeling of safety. Even if this only happens once in a while, that feeling of safety will not coexist with this.

Going to bed at night is not safe. Their arguments in the middle of the night shock you out of a deep sleep. You are startled by the yelling and slamming of doors. You try to hide under your covers and drown out the sound with your pillow, but this does not work. Then, in the wee hours of the morning, dad drags you out of bed and forces you to pick who is right. Forcibly standing you between himself and mom, he demands an answer from you. 

“Mom said this…I think that…Who is right?” The silence is deafening! All you can hear is your heart pounding out of your chest. Your mind is spinning in a thousand directions. How many answers can you consider in a moment’s span of time? You clearly don’t feel safe and you shouldn’t. Your feelings are quite valid.

The Effects of dealing with Trauma

Trauma causes people to make changes in the way they interact with their world. Safety is a perception. When we experience trauma, our system will work hard to re-establish a perceived sense of safety. What behaviors do we pick up then in response to this trauma?

Let’s go back to this 7 year old child. There is not a perceived sense of safety around dad. But this is the living situation and a daily part of this child’s life. Living without a feeling of safety is horrendous. Our system will work in overdrive to re-establish a sense of safety.

So what behaviors does this 7 year old child learn?

When standing between the parents, dad demanding that you pick sides and mom in horrified tears, you learn to control and manipulate your words. You can’t choose between mom and dad. Nor should you have to, but here you are. “I need to protect mom, and I need to not upset dad.” Let the tap dancing begin. You learn to circle the conversation around to avoid taking sides. You learn to skirt the issues. You learn to appease with empty words. You learn to say what is needed to get the job done and to get yourself out of the situation.

In your daily life at home, when dad is excessively angry, demanding, and aimed at you, what does 7 year old you learn? You learn that communication is not safe. You learn that being vulnerable is dangerous, especially around people who are supposed to love you and care for you. You learn to take care of yourself and to avoid dad’s feelings. You learn to use your words in order to figure out what dad wants to hear so he will stop talking. You learn to manipulate words and to dodge any responsibility. You learn that it isn’t safe to be genuine and spontaneous. You learn that you cannot trust the words of your loved one, and that you cannot trust their intentions.

What about mom in this picture?

Mom pretends that everything is okay. She so badly wants everything to be ok that she overcompensates for dad’s behavior. She convinces herself and this 7 year old child that everything is fine. From a genuine desire to offset the damage being done, she praises this child for everything they do. 

What does 7 year old you learn from mom?

How to pretend that everything is fine. How to forget about any of the problems and pretend they didn’t happen. How to just move on in life. This lays the foundation for abuse amnesia. Ever heard of that? It’s when the abusive behavior seems to just vanish. It disappears into thin air. It went to never never land. Never to be talked about again. Never to be brought up. Never to be resolved.

In never never land, we just seem to return to this weird place of okayness. Things are just okay. Everything moves forward with some sort of normalcy. You’re looking around wondering if anyone else saw that. Wondering what happened to the issue that we just survived, where did it go? Do I dare to bring it up again? NOPE. If they can pretend that it didn’t happen, then so can I. We join them on the journey to Never Never Land.

This 7 year old gets older. I would say that they grow up, or do they? If they do not have the emotional support to face this trauma, to voice it, to process it, then this trauma carries forward. It gets passed onto others.

What children of covert narcissists’ learn

Remember what this child learned

• to manipulate conversations in order to keep themselves safe

• to skirt the issues and say whatever is needed to get out of the situation

• to dodge responsibility and accountability

• to not trust

• that vulnerability isn’t safe and should be avoided at all costs

• to forget about the bad behavior as quickly as possible

• to pretend like everything is fine

• to live in Never Never Land

These learned behaviors that served the purpose of keeping them safe become a part of their everyday life. This becomes how they interact, especially with those closest to them, the ones that make them feel vulnerable. In trying to survive and avoid this trauma, they simply carry the effects of it into the lives of their own family. As an adult, they believe that it is a thing of the past and that it stayed in the past. In reality, it is very much so a thing of their present and will continue into their future. And they don’t even realize it.

Imagine a young driver has had a car accident and quickly learned to be tense as a driver. In the car, they are reactive to everyone around them. They yell at their own kids for any tiny noise or distraction in the vehicle. These kids learn that being in the car isn’t safe, so they become tense in the vehicle. As they grow up and become young drivers, the tension and reactiveness carries on with them. Their own hypervigilance creates an unsafe situation, creating the very problem the parent is trying to avoid. This parent’s trauma becomes their child’s trauma.

The covert narcissist’s wall of self-protection

Narcissistic traits are a form of self-protection from traumas that one has experienced. If these were during childhood, this is before a child is old enough to have coping skills in place to handle trauma. They rely completely on the reactive survival instincts. If this is within their own home, from their caregivers, then normalizing this behavior is also happening. They think that every home is like their home, every family is like their family. They believe that that is normal and how everyone interacts. Thus these survival skills are here to stay!

My husband’s childhood was filled with trauma. Yes, he had some good times. There were pleasant memories in his past. However, there were some extremely traumatic ones too. His father was aggressive, antagonistic, abrasive, and abusive. To both my husband and his mom. At a very young age, life became not safe for my husband. Thus he put survival tactics in place. 

A defensive wall to hide behind, a facade to make him look good and hide his internal self, manipulating others to get his way, making sure that nothing was his fault, skirting responsibilities, and passing the blame. This left me and the kids feeling distant and hurt. His defensive wall left gaping holes in our relationships. No way to be close to him. No way to be vulnerable around him. No way to be spontaneous and genuine. Instead, we felt like everything was our fault, carrying all the blame. So the very thing that he was protecting himself against as a child is exactly what he created in adulthood. It is self-sabotaging, and I don’t think he had any idea.

His trauma became our trauma.

This is why it is so crucial to do some trauma healing, for yourself and then learn to help your children. I have recently become certified in trauma coaching. I do offer individual trauma-informed coaching. It’s time to help our kids while they are still young. It’s time to break these cycles. I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing.

7 Ways that a Covert Narcissist Reacts

Have you ever called a covert narcissist out for something they have done? How did that go? One of the most frustrating things ever is to try to get a covert narcissist to take any responsibility or to even listen to you in the first place. When you try to talk with them regarding how you feel about something they did, you can expect a large amount of pushback. Here are 7 ways that a  covert narcissist reacts.

1. covert narcissists often react with Instant frustration, anger and indignation.

While covert narcissists may be extremely patient when they are grooming you to be their target, they are not known for their patience once you have been hooked and moved past their love bombing phase. At this point, your feelings become a huge inconvenience to them. So when you are trying to express your own feelings over something they did or didn’t do, they can instantly become frustrated, defensive and indignant. 

You have had repeated conversations asking them to be responsible for the kitchen trash. When the can is full, please take care of it. They may even agree to do it, but it gets repeatedly overlooked. Or they just continue to push it down, knowing you can squeeze in just a little bit more. You finally give in and have been doing it yourself multiple times along with all the other housework you are doing.

You say - “Hey, would you just take the trash out when the can is full, like you said you would?”

They fire back - “I told you I would! I’ll take care of it! You don’t have to be so demanding!” 

With little to no consideration of your feelings, they rear up at the supposed unfair treatment they are receiving. Lacking the ability to see anything from your perspective, you are met with extreme resistance. They do not realize that they are not seeing things from your perspective. In fact, they often will tell you that they are. However, their approach to it is not to see how you feel in your shoes, it is to know how they would feel in your shoes. 

It isn’t me, with my background, my experiences, my knowledge, my fears, my desires putting myself in someone else’s shoes. It is their background, their experiences, their knowledge, their fears and their desires, seeing it from their shoes. Covert narcissists cannot do this even a little. So your feelings remain a frustrating mystery to them. 

2. Covert Narcissists Use Gaslighting

Pretend that whatever you're accusing them of never happened, you're just being dramatic or you heard it wrong or you're just plain old crazy. This is their list of excuses. “I never said that I would take out the trash.” Causes you to start defending yourself, your memory and your perception. In essence, your reality.

They trivialize what they said or did or didn’t do, making you feel like you are making a big deal out of nothing. “You’re upset about that? Come on, really? You know, Joe never does that for his wife. Or you know, my dad was way worse than this.”

This gaslighting causes you to defend yourself, fighting to validate that you have a right to be upset, that what they did hurt you and you are allowed to express that.

Another form of gaslighting is to change the subject. “How about you cleaning up the living room? You know, I go to work all day long and just want to relax at night. Do you know I had 4 meetings today? You wouldn’t believe how hard I worked.” Now, you are in a conversation about work and the trash disappears from sight. Forcing you to be the bad guy if you want to hold them accountable. Causes you to defend your right to be heard, your right for your feelings to matter.

The passive aggressive ways of a covert narcissist manipulate others without them knowing it. We become defensive and don’t even notice the switch. Then we are frustrated with ourselves for being defensive. We might even spend a period of time believing that our own defensiveness is the problem.

3. Covert Narcissists Flip the Script.

Covert narcissists are experts at turning the conversation around to how the way you feel is how they feel and that you're not listening to their feelings. They turn themselves into a victim of YOU because you're so mean.

You say, “I feel like I do all the work around the house, and I really don’t want to have to remind you about the trash.” Not being able to relate to your feelings at all or validate them in any way, they now focus entirely on their own feelings. “I don’t know why you have to remind me all the time. You know I will take care of it. I sure wish you would just trust me more. You know it really hurts my feelings that you don’t trust me. It feels so mean, and I’m so sensitive to that. I think I need to lie down.”

Saying that you have caused them harm and showing that they are hurt implies that you now need to fix the problem. You need to put in the effort. This is on you.

4. Covert Narcissists use Self-Deprecation.

They start saying things like "I'm sorry I'm such a loser and nothing I ever do is good enough for you". “I guess I can’t do anything right.” “Why did you ever marry someone as bad as me?” “I don’t deserve you.” “You should leave me. I should be alone forever.”

Triggers your compassionate side, and you start telling them how they are wrong in these statements. Your empathic nature causes you to see how your words may have hurt them and triggered such deep feelings of worthlessness. You clearly don’t want that, and now you feel bad about it. So you work overtime to fix this.

5.Covert Narcissists Us Rage Tactics.

Covert narcissists will pitcha little tantrum maybe by throwing something or slamming a door, maybe stomping their feet. This is attention seeking behavior.

Maybe they take out the trash, but they aggressively move the can around, slamming the lid, hitting the wall with it, slamming the door on the way out. They might stomp around in the kitchen or isolate in a room and slam the door. They are mad at you for not giving them the respect they believe they deserve, for not valuing them more, for suggesting they are less than perfect. How dare you tell me to take the trash out! How dare you remind me as though I’m not capable of doing it myself! Even though they have forgotten for the last month. They feel rejected. They feel called out or put on display.

6. Covert Narcissists Sulk and Pout

Covert narcissists will sulk around the house. They are clearly so wounded by your unreasonable demands and expectations. They will come get in the middle of whatever you are doing and pout. Might as well put that lower lip out. Shoulders droop, big sighs

Narcissistic collapse occurs when a narcissistic person can no longer maintain their superior image, when they cannot maintain their confidence in who they believe they are. The threat coming from the inside of them as they lose their own grip of their image is too much, and they experience an extreme emotional response. This can happen when they feel that the world no longer sees them as the person they want to be seen as. If they believe that the world sees them as strong, confident, even caring and something threatens this, they will fight that. They will go through these various stages to some extent. If they reach a point that they can no longer hold onto that image, a narcissistic collapse is a real possibility.

Signs of a narcissistic collapse

Addictive behaviors - drinking, gambling, sex

Self-harming behaviors - reckless driving, overeating, cutting, 

Increased irritability, sensitivity, angry outbursts, anxiety

7. Covert Narcissist use the silent treatment.

Covert narcissists often go silent for days on end, avoiding you, and ignoring you. Some withdraw hard, while others stay in your space and make a show of not talking to you

Another form of silent treatment is to never talk about this problem again. In fact, they can wake up the next morning as though nothing ever happened and move right on with life. This is what some call abuse amnesia. this is when they act like everything is fine, ignore the problem, no accountability and no reconciliation. So while they may be talking to you, they certainly are not talking about the problem, the way they have treated you.

People with narcissistic personality disorder do not recognize their role in the situation. They do not self-reflect and thus do not realize or acknowledge in any way how they have hurt you. They just don’t see it. They very well may not realize that they are acting the way that they are. But they also do not have it within themselves to listen to you when you are trying to explain it to you. They don’t hear it from your perspective or with any attempt to give you your own perspective. They hear you only from their own perspective. 

This is a perspective full of competitiveness, jealousy, manipulativeness, guard up, self-preservation. They only see from this perspective. As an empathic person, I can see how that perspective would cause me to treat people with contempt, distrust, and sharpness. I can see that, and I think it is horrible. I certainly cannot relate to continuously living life that way. Nor do I ever want to. I choose openness, trust, kindness and gentleness.

Don’t ever confuse kindness for weakness. In fact, it takes great strength and courage to remain kind in this world.

Circular Conversations with a Covert Narcissist

WHAT IS A CIRCULAR CONVERSATION?

Let me start by saying these aren't conversations. They are verbal competitions and even warfare. Narcissists don't use conversations to find understanding and compromise. They use them to win. These conversations are extremely planned and manipulated. There is absolutely no such thing as spontaneity. There is no place for this to be relaxed and natural chatting. No, it is war!

I know in our household, in order for my husband to actually have a conversation with someone, it was like we had to go through some big ordeal. It was as though he was announcing to the world, in a very robot-like way, "We are now having a conversation." Everything else had to stop. Everything had to be put down. Life ceased to exist....because NOW WE ARE HAVING A CONVERSATION. After making such an announcement, he would then sit quietly with his eyes closed for a couple of minutes, making everyone wait to hear his "great" words. It was almost like a ritual. I felt like the trumpets were going to come out of the sky, play a fanfare, and announce that the KING was about to speak. It was ridiculous and left everyone on edge. No one felt safe before a word was even uttered.

Then you never knew what the actual topic was going to be. It could be absolutely anything, from teeny tiny small to gigantically huge. One thing was always for certain though, he had been offended, and we were going to hear about it. These "conversations" feel more like monologues from a dictator, and they last just as long. Everyone else usually kept their mouths shut. Why? Because over time we had all learned one of our rights: "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you."

I have heard these circular conversations referred to as gaslighting, word salad, and verbal vomit. I prefer to call them conversations from hell. It is the most painful place I have ever experienced. I have never felt so alone and destitute as I have when trapped in one of these. And I do mean trapped. There seems to be no way out. Nothing you say will change the course. Nothing you say will turn it in a positive direction. The narcissist will unceasingly turn everything around and around, spinning forever in a bottomless pit of negativity.

You find yourself defending everything you have ever done, said, or even thought. You are defending a look you had or the way you breathed. Guards are up and active. Spontaneity does not exist. Reciprocity does not exist. There is no natural give and take because with a narcissist there is no give. Staying relaxed is nearly impossible. In the conversation, you feel like you just can't seem to keep with the topic at hand because it changes so fast. One minute you are talking about your frustration that he isn't helping with the yard work and the next thing you know you are defending why you didn't cook dinner last night. It doesn't matter that he said he wasn't hungry. It is simply ammunition against you.

 8 SIGNS OF A CIRCULAR CONVERSATION

1. You find yourself teaching an adult about basic communication skills and basic human emotions.

You are actually trying to teach them how to talk nicely to people, something we all learned in kindergarten. “Now Johnny, we mustn’t talk that way to others.” Healthy adults just do not need to be taught the golden rule. But narcissistic people seem to have missed those lessons. When I found myself explaining to my husband, a full grown man and father of two boys, how his tone of voice influences people’s feelings, I realized we had a real problem. The fact of the matter is that any full-grown adult knows how to treat other people. They know how to be kind and good, but simply choose not to.

2. You find yourself thinking, “If I could just find the right words, then he would stop treating me this way.”

Or, “The right words will help him to understand why what he is doing is hurting me, and he will stop.” I absolutely wore my brain out with this one! There simply is not an angle left that I didn’t try. “Maybe these words, this approach, this tone of voice, this perspective, etc.” It was endless effort and extremely taxing on both my head and my heart. To top it all off, it never did any good! All it did was keep all the responsibility on my own shoulders. I used to think, “If I am not able to find the right words, then I cannot be mad at him for not getting it.” What!! Since when did I become the counselor? I am telling you now that it is NOT your job to help them understand. I am not saying don’t make any effort when someone has hurt your feelings. But I am saying there is a point where it no longer becomes your responsibility to keep explaining it to someone who doesn’t get it and clearly doesn’t want to.

3. These conversations are antagonistic and combative.

I reached a point where I would say to my friend, “I don’t even know how to have a normal conversation with my husband.” You see, narcissistic people don’t see conversations as a time of connection and reciprocity. Actually, in their eyes, there is no such thing as conversation. It is verbal competition instead. Most of the time, they seem to want communication to be difficult and a problem. They don’t want to understand. They want only to maintain their position of superiority. In order to truly understand and sympathize with someone, you must allow a moment or two to be about the other person. Narcissistic people absolutely cannot do this. Not even for a tiny moment can life be about someone else. When they can keep the conversation confusing and difficult, it can stay centered around them. Then they have a “duty” to explain and educate the other person, which maintains their superiority and arrogance.

4. There is no resolution in these conversations.

You know that place, when you have been in a heated discussion with a loved one, where you feel reconciliation? This is a moment where both parties feel sorry for the pain they have caused. Both feel humbleness, honesty, and compassion. In this moment, you feel very open and connected with each other. Well, this place does NOT exist with a narcissistic person! You will NEVER get there!! It does not matter whether you are in the original heated discussion or in the 100th discussion after it trying to get resolution. These discussions can last 5 minutes or 5 hours. It simply does not matter. You will not be able to find a peaceful and compassionate ending. For more detail on the lack of reconciliation, read my article No Reconciliation Ever.

5. They use the topic switcheroo. 

If a narcissistic person does not like the direction of the current discussion, I guarantee you they will switch it around. Here’s an example: We were at the counselor together trying to find some middle ground in order to save our marriage. Here is how the discussion went:

Him: I have asked you to tell me what I am doing wrong in our marriage, and you won’t tell me.

Me: I have told you many times why I am frustrated. I am done telling you.

Him: I have asked you to tell me right when it is happening. I think the problem really is that you say, “Yes,” and yet you DO no.

Me: What does that mean?

Him: You told me that you will point things out as they happen and yet you don’t do that.

Me: I have pointed them out at the time, and that didn’t work. So I tried an hour later, that didn’t work, I tried the next day, that didn’t work. I have tried everything I know to try, so now I am done trying.

Him (arrogantly): So you said yes and you are doing no. You do that with lots of things.

Me: Now what are you talking about?

Him: I’m talking about the windows in the house. You still haven’t gotten those done, but you said you would.

What! You've got to be kidding me! Two years earlier, we had talked about replacing the windows in the house. I had gotten some estimates, but it went no further than that. For two years, nothing else had been said about it by either one of us until that day at the counselor. Now all of a sudden it is all my fault?

6. They play the eternal victim. 

This victim role is perpetual and ever-lasting. Some of their favorite phrases are:

I had a tough childhood.

My dad/mom treated me badly.

I have a low self-esteem because of my childhood.

Nobody likes me. Everybody is against me. “Poor me” is the attitude.

These become excuses and crutches. They play the victim card so everyone will feel badly for them and let them off the hook. Then they don’t have to “fix” anything and can go merrily on their way treating people however they choose. This victim roles prevents them from ever having to be accountable for themselves.

One time, I was trying to explain to my husband how his quickness to be offended hurt those around him. I told him that he gets so quickly offended over things that shouldn’t even be offensive in the first place. He asked for an example. So I reminded him about a time when I had asked our son to help him empty the dishwasher. This offended him so badly that he stormed out of the room and closed himself in the guest bedroom for 45 minutes. When I finally went up to talk to him, he told me that the incident had communicated to him that I thought he was an idiot, incapable of emptying the dishwasher by himself. I asked him why that thought would even cross his mind. He did not remember this incident but explained how he could see himself reacting that way. He added, “You know how much I struggle with feeling worthless. I was treated very poorly by my dad, you know.” This repeatedly becomes an excuse, a justification, and a hindrance all at once. The attitude is, you have to get off my back because I struggle with self-esteem and your words are damaging me more. You need to feel sorry for me because I was treated so badly as a child. I don’t have to fix this or get any better because it really isn’t my fault.

7. You walk away thinking, “What in the world just happened?” 

These conversations are like no other. Your head is left spinning. You will feel as though you have used every ounce of energy you have and yet accomplished absolutely nothing. You  replay this conversation over and over for hours or even days, obsessing over things you should have said or could have said better. You now have a million arguments laid out in your head, left unaddressed in the actual conversation because it was spinning too fast.

8. They give you the silent treatment. 

I am not referring to the silent treatment that might last for days on end. I am not talking about casually ignoring someone. This silent treatment is extremely direct and purposeful. It is a little hard to describe, so bear with me. When he has become offended by something I have said, done, not said, or not done, it is immediately crystal clear. Not because of what he says, but because of his body language and lack of words. He has this way of existing in space that communicates complete disdain for the other person. He stares at absolutely nothing, in a very contemplative manner. This silence can last for a few minutes or for quite a while. It creates a tension that cannot be described in words. The grip of that tension is felt mentally, emotionally, and even physically. Getting out of this entrapment proves to be incredibly difficult and staying takes an incredible toll on your body, mind, heart and soul.

If you find yourself really feeling like something is consistently wrong in conversation with a specific person, listen to your instincts. These circular conversations can take many different shapes for different people. But many of the overall characteristics are the same. One thing is always for sure, the one on the receiving end of the conversation from hell is left feeling emotionally drained and completely hopeless. Learn to cut these conversations off before they can even get started. No one should ever be forced to sit through them. You have a right to walk away!

How to Turn the Table on a Narcissist

This is one extremely effective tactic for when you are forced to communicate with a narcissist in your life.

Narcissists absolutely hate for the other person to be right. Especially if that person is a spouse, significant other, parent or child.

They will disagree with you simply for the sake of disagreeing. Their immediate reaction to most of what you say is to tell you that you are wrong. Then they will explain their own point of view, saying the exact same thing you did. If you try to tell them that is the same as what you said, they will adamantly deny that and explain their point of view all over again. They will put words in your mouth, saying, “No, you said….” Those words will often not be anything like what you said. If you confront them on this, they often have a standard cop-out, “Well, I don’t remember exactly word for word, but it was something like that.” Their insistence of explaining how they were right and your were wrong is never-ending. You will go in infinite circles around and around. You will get absolutely nowhere!

When a narcissist does occasionally find themselves in a place where the other person is right, they absolutely will not admit it. They cannot simply say, “Hey, you are right” or “I never thought of it like that.” They may actually get to a point that they admit you are right, but only in a back-handed way. They will make it very clear that what you are saying is stuff they already knew. Their knowledge must be greater, faster and stronger. You will hear things such as,

• “I know! I had that thought a week ago. Glad you caught up.”

• “You’re right, you must have been listening to me.”

• “I knew that was the case.”

• “I already know that, and I’ll take it a step further….”

A simple “Hey, you have a good point there,” is not within their capabilities. It threatens their ego too much. For that tiny instant, they would feel inferior to you. To admit that you are right means, internally, they have to admit that they were wrong. There simply is no in-between ground. Don’t forget, for them, this isn’t conversation. It’s combat! Every interaction has a winner and a loser, and they must be the winner, no matter how insignificant the conversation really is.

So what do you do if you are in such a relationship and you can’t walk away, at least not yet? How do you avoid these combative interactions and their narcissistic rage?

One very effective tactic is to beat them at their own game. Anticipate their irrational reactions before they happen and call them out on it ahead of time. Use their own desire to always be right and to always prove you wrong against them. 

Let me explain. Let’s say you know you have a tough conversation coming with your narcissist. Before the conversation even starts, simply say, “Now I know you are going to react hard to this, but I need to tell you…..” Then tell them. Their own burning desire to prove you wrong will keep their reaction in check. If they blow up now, then you will be right, and they CANNOT allow that to happen.

Some examples of these pre-emptive statements:

• I know you are not going to like this, but ……

• I know you are going to get mad, but …...

• I know this is going to set you off, but …….

As soon as the words “I know” come out of your mouth, their mind is already triggered to prove you wrong.

Yes this is a bit manipulative and purely intentional. But it is also a way of self-protection. Often, we still are caught in interactions with these narcissists. Maybe you have kids together and are co-parenting, otherwise known as counter parenting. Maybe you simply aren’t out of the relationship yet. Maybe it’s your parent, and you don’t want to completely cut ties. If you must keep interacting with them, then you should start finding ways to do it without losing your own mind.

Whatever the circumstances, use this tactic and watch them nearly bite their tongue in half just to prove you wrong! Enjoy it!

Covert Narcissism is the Invisible Abuse

Covert narcissistic abuse is a hidden abuse. It is invisible to the world around us. Our family and friends don't see it. Our neighbors don't see it. Our churches don't see it. Our therapists don't see it. The courts don't see it. And way too often, the victims don't see it either.  It is a gradual stealing of your right and ability to matter in this world. It is such tiny steps that it is not seen by the victim for years, decades or even a lifetime. It is a slow and subtle removal of your boundaries. One by one over time you give them away. "Why do you close the door when you go to the bathroom? Are you hiding from me?"  "Why do you do things with your friend? Don't you like doing things with me?"  "Why are you wearing that?" "Why do you say things that way?”

Their words start chipping away at your confidence and security as an individual. You begin checking everything you do against what they will think or say. Your mind becomes occupied with your abuser. The damage being done is all inside you. It is internal.

"What will he say if I tell him I want to go out with my friend?"

"How will he react if I say it this way or that way?"

"I shouldn't do this or that because it might upset him."

You start defending yourself and walking on eggshells and don't even realize it. You're defending things that you should never have to explain or defend. Things that to everyone else are just a normal part of spontaneous life.

But there is no such thing as spontaneous life with a narcissistic abuser. You can't do anything spontaneous anymore. Everything has to be questioned, checked, analyzed. How will he take it? What will he say? How will he react?

Your mind is going a million miles per hour. Your guard is up, and you are protecting yourself against this person who should be your greatest supporter.  You doubt yourself. You measure every action you make against what they will think of you or what they will say or what they will accuse you of. Defending yourself makes you look guilty and desperate. Defending yourself makes you feel guilty and desperate.  Their thoughts, opinions, and feelings now matter more to you than your own. You are slowly being stripped of your ability to matter even to yourself. Your world gets smaller and smaller.  When you try to explain yourself to them, they take such great offense at your attempts. "Why are you being so defensive? I was just asking a simple question. Geez, you're so sensitive!" Now you feel guilty for even responding to them when all you were trying to do was explain yourself. You are now in an impossible situation. You either do everything you think they want exactly as they want it, which is impossible, or you continue to get "put in your place." And NO ONE ELSE SEES IT!!

Setting Boundaries in Toxic Relationships

Setting boundaries is a skill that you must develop when dealing with a narcissist! It is a skill you need to have anyways, but the need for it is more prominent in toxic relationships.

Narcissists and other toxic personalities will take extreme advantage of anyone who shows the smallest sign of weakness in their boundaries.

What type of boundaries am I talking about?

• Having space to safely express your own thoughts and feelings

• Being able to disagree without major issues

• Being free to go visit with a friend or family if you want

• Not feeling obligated to explain yourself or defend yourself on everything

• Feeling comfortable expressing your own likes and dislikes, and pursuing them

To build the skills of boundary setting, don't start with the hardest person you have in your life. Do not start by trying to set boundaries with your toxic partner or toxic parent. Because our boundaries are being obliterated by that toxic person, this person is our focus. We begin our journey by trying to establish boundaries with him/her. This is the same as a brand new driver choosing to start learning by jumping on a high-speed interstate at night in the rain. The safer approach is to learn to drive on lower speed roads in daylight and good weather.

So start building your boundary skills in easier scenarios and more cooperative relationships first. Express your thoughts and feelings with your friends, family and co-workers, even if you believe they will disagree. It is okay to disagree and still be good. Give voice to your own likes and dislikes whether others agree or not. Let go of that feeling that you have to explain yourself or defend yourself. You do not! You are simply allowed to have opinions and preferences.

As you become more skilled in boundary setting and self-expressing, you will feel more confident in doing this with the narcissists in your life! Be patient with yourself as you go. Learning new skills takes time and effort.

To learn more about how to help your kids set boundaries, watch the Q&A video with Renee Swanson here.

Check out her book Parenting with a Toxic Partner here. Get 3 free bonuses when you purchase the ebook. If you buy the paperback on Amazon, let her know at renee@covertnarcissism.com. She will send you the free bonuses if you submit a screenshot of your receipt.

Life with a Narcissist: An Exhaustion Like No Other

My 18-year old son recently said to me, "Mom, no marriage is perfect and no individual is perfect. Sure. And if only you had done "XYZ...ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVW" then maybe your marriage to dad could have possibly worked. But he couldn't even do "A" so there is no way that this is your fault."

He hit it on the head! I wore every letter of the alphabet out and even moved into the Greek alphabet next. I tried to talk this way or that way, tried these words or those words, tried being better in every way I could imagine, tried to care more, tried to care less, and so on. Yet no matter what I tried, year after year, it simply didn't matter. I was continuously getting hurt, and my husband simply could not understand why or take any responsibility for it.

What happened to step A?

A narcissistic person can not even do step A to help the relationship emotionally. Not even a tiny step. They cannot acknowledge that anything is their fault, so they have nothing that they need to do differently. So why is it that when we are with a narcissistic partner who can't even handle doing step A, we still feel so determined that we can fix this? Why is it our job and our responsibility?

Let's compare this to helping a young child learn to tie their shoe. First you show them how. Then you help them through the beginning step. You start the process with them. But this particular youngster doesn't seem to want to learn. They pretend to try to do it, kind of, sort of. Then they fumble their fingers together in frustration, saying, “I can't.” To you, it is clear that they aren’t even trying. Yet when you say to them, “You didn’t even try,” they sharply respond, “I did too!” This is now an impossible standstill. After making a few more efforts, you just tie their shoe for them. It's easier, quicker, and less frustrating.The child doesn't mind either. It's easier and less frustrating for them too.

Relationships with narcissistic people are like this. You try to connect with them, but it just doesn't happen. You try to explain how their words or attitudes hurt you. They make some pretend efforts with the clumsiness of a youngster that won't tie their own shoes. You keep trying to help them understand, but inevitably it doesn’t work. Their efforts at minimal, at best. When you tell them, “You didn’t even try,” they quickly retort, “I did too!” The victim role quickly follows, leaving you trapped in a circular conversation from hell.

So why do we try so hard to fix it for them?

It is the only way we can keep our sanity. We sweep everything under the rug, keep our mouths shut, and suffer quietly to ourselves. It is easier, quicker and less frustrating. But there is more to it than that. We carry traits that make us extremely susceptible to narcissistic abuse. These are not bad traits to have but can lead to much frustration.

Common traits of abuse victims

• Willingness to overlook faults in others

• Belief in the goodness of others

• Belief in forgiveness and willingness to turn the other cheek

• Willingness to put the needs of others above our own

Again, these are not bad traits to have! These are the sort of things we teach our kids because we want them to be good people. We not only do these things, but we truly believe that they are the right thing to do. There is nothing wrong with that! I live by these traits, and I don’t ever desire to change that. I have learned, though, to set boundaries with these traits and to make myself a priority too.

While I am willing to overlook the faults in others, I overlook them in myself too. While I believe in the goodness of others, I believe in the goodness in me too. While I offer forgiveness to others, I offer it to myself too. While I am often willing to put the needs of others above my own, I now have times where my own needs come first. This is time for me, so that I can become healthier and stronger in compassion. After all, if I am a beaten down mess, I sure don’t have much to offer to this world. I take better care of my own heart now than I ever have before!

7 Common Things the Narcissist Says to Undermine You

7 COMMON THINGS THE NARCISSIST SAYS TO UNDERMINE YOU

Narcissistic people are extremely skilled at making you doubt yourself. They can turn the most confident person in the world into a messy ball of insecurity. Without even realizing it happened! All of sudden you realize that you are doubting every thought you have, every word you say, every memory you hold, everything. Your entire reality gets extremely blurry!

I have had so many people say to me that my story sounds just like theirs. The similarities between all these different relationships are striking. So many of us could simply swap the names in the stories and tell our life history as one massive book. It is as though there is a script somewhere that narcissistic people learn, a story line that they then live out.

When you tell a narcissistic person how they are treating you, you have crossed a horrible line. They cannot accept any blame, shame, or responsibility of any kind. Nothing is EVER their fault, so you instantly become an enemy. With a covert narcissist, they will turn you into an enemy in such a subtle and manipulative way that you probably won’t even see it coming. I know I didn’t!

Here are 7 common things they say

“You didn’t let me finish what I was saying.”

When they don’t like what you are saying, this is one of the ways they shift the blame to you. It’s your fault that they didn’t communicate in a healthy and productive way. It’s your fault that they didn’t finish their thoughts.

The normal give-and-take of a conversation is impossible with a narcissistic person. My husband would sit in complete silence for several minutes, right in the middle of a “conversation.” If I spoke in that silence, I was reprimanded for interrupting him. The fact that he wasn’t speaking at the time was irrelevant. If I used that space of silence to object to some of what he was saying, then he instantly stated that I didn’t let him finish.

But there is NO finish with a narcissistic partner. They will go on and on, through countless cycles of word salad and painful silence. There is no “my turn” to talk. Anything you say is an interruption in their eyes. I found myself trying to explain, to a full-grown man, the natural flow of conversation. And of course, all of my attempts at talking were constantly interrupted and cut short.

Misunderstandings and interruptions are a normal part of every relationship. But with a narcissistic person, you never get a sense of gentleness and compassion. Reciprocity never happens. Forgiveness and understanding never appear. Meeting in the middle? What middle? There is NO middle!!

When they say that you didn’t let them finish what they were saying, this simply means that they want you to stop objecting to them, so they can go back to inflicting more damage to you and to the relationship.

“Just because I didn’t do what you wanted and when you wanted.”

This is a great one for making you feel guilty for having feelings in the first place. You instantly doubt yourself, thinking maybe you were being unreasonable and selfish. Please hear me - you are allowed to have feelings and desires! You are allowed to voice those!

When you are voicing that your feelings were hurt, a healthy person validates you. They acknowledge your feelings and express that they did not intend to hurt you. When you are voicing this to a narcissistic person, you receive immediate defensiveness. You receive no acknowledgement of your feelings and desires. In fact you are made to feel guilty for having them in the first place. Boundaries?? No way. You aren’t allowed to have boundaries.

“What about your issues?”

This was one of the main ones I heard all the time. Every time I tried to talk to him about his harshness and lack of empathy, it always circled around to this statement. “Well, what about you? Don’t you have any issues?” So I would answer. Yes, I had issues and I was/am working on them. One time, I named some of the specific things I was working on in me. Wow! Was that ever a mistake! He jumped on that so quickly and used it all completely against me. He told me that he knows all these issues I have and that it is because of these issues that he acts like he does. Everything was all my fault! Somehow we never got back to talking about the problem we were talking about in the first place!

Pointing everything back at you is a purposeful way to not take responsibility. It takes the focus off of them and their faults or weaknesses. By the time the conversation has looped around a few times, you can honestly begin to feel that all of this is your fault to begin with. This tactic causes many victims to doubt themselves and work overtime to please the abuser.

“I’m sorry, what more do you want from me?”

Apologies from covert narcissistic people are not genuine. They are not accompanied by words, attitudes, and gestures that align with an apology. They are typically followed with words that place all the blame back on you again. They make you feel that your expectations are unreasonable and out of reach for them, that they are doing everything within their power to make you happy. How could you possibly want more?

Don’t be surprised if the words “I’m sorry” are followed by a sob-story of the horrible childhood they suffered. Don’t get me wrong. I hate what my ex went through in his childhood. It was terrible, and no one deserves that! However, when he continuously uses that us an excuse for not being better, this is extremely damaging to his current relationships. While it is okay to extend compassion and support, it is NOT okay to permit them to stomp all over your feelings because of their hurtful childhood.

“What could I have possibly done any differently?”

As though their behavior was the ONLY logical behavior for the situation. You are made to feel like an idiot for even considering there would have been a better approach.

They then place it on you completely to figure out how they could have behaved differently in the first place. They make this to be your “job.” And they will carry it out to the very end. You find yourself telling them every last word they should have said, how they should say it, how they should look, and what their voice should sound like. You realize that you are explaining basic common decency to a full-grown adult.

Not only that, but they then combat everything you say. They tell you that they did do everything you are suggesting, when they clearly did not. Or they tell you that your suggestion would never work because you would react to it, continuing the belief that everything is your fault, no matter what the situation.

“You’re the only person who thinks like that.”

I was told that I am the only person who sees anger in him. He said that he asked his friends and co-workers. Friends?? He has no friends. He doesn’t do anything with anyone, ever. He sits in the house and plays video games, night after night. When I finally asked him who he was talking about, he named friends from high school that he hadn’t seen in years. He named a friend who lives on the other side of the world, with whom he stays connected through email.

What about the co-workers? They have no social interactions outside of work. We don’t go to social activities. They only know him in the work environment, and most of that is computer interaction.

Saying that you are the only person who thinks like that completely invalidates your feelings. This can make a victim feel extremely crazy and isolated. In reality, it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. This relationship with this person is your relationship. No one else’s. If you don’t like the way you are being treated, who cares what the friends and coworkers think? This isn’t about them in the first place.

“Why can’t you just get over the past?”

He set me up with this one many times. I would talk to him about how his words and attitudes hurt me and our boys. In his defensive tone, he would ask for specific examples. So I would give him some. Then he would go down his list of attempts to discredit everything. He often started by telling me that it never happened. If that didn’t work, he would tell me that I am remembering it wrong. If that didn’t work, he would find a way to make it my fault. When all else failed, he would then tell me that he can’t believe how badly I hang on to things from the past, things that we already “resolved.” He would say, “We already worked that out, but you can’t forgive me for not being perfect. I can’t believe you are still hanging on to that!”

So to prevent all of this, in other conversations, when he asked for examples from the past, I told him that I couldn’t come up with specific examples. Of course, that never went very far. His words were, “Well, how in the world I am supposed to answer for something you can’t even remember? You can’t expect me to fix something when you can’t even tell me what I am fixing.” I was then made to feel mean and crazy, and his unacceptable words, attitudes and behaviors simply continued.

No Approach Works!

A relationship with a narcissistic person is a constant word battle. There is NO approach that works, NO magic words to help them see, NO argument that will resolve peacefully.

So what do you do? You walk away! Keep your words short and simple, honest and void of emotion. When they engage in their manipulative tactics, you simply leave. I used to sit for hours, trapped in these conversations from hell. Then, one day, I realized that I just didn’t have to do that anymore. I simply walked away!

The Narcissist's Constant Victim Role

The Constant Victim Role

Covert narcissists are constant victims. Everyone has done them wrong. Everyone has injured their precious ego at some point or another. The whole world is responsible for their anger, negativity, lack of initiative, lack of motivation, and even their lack of empathy. From the tiniest injury to the grandest, the covert narcissist continues to be the never-ending victim, who feels entitled to treat you however they choose. They have no filter on their words or actions and no ability to see how this entitlement affects others.

This causes all relationships with the narcissist to be strained and exhausting. When the covert narcissist plays the victim so well, it leaves you with two roles in life. You are either their therapist or their enemy. You are either their rescuer or their perpetrator. The trouble is that healthy people should not and do not fulfill these roles with their loved ones.

Your Role as Therapist

Healthy individuals recognize that they cannot serve as a rescuer to their parent, spouse, adult child, friend, boss, etc. This is a normal and healthy boundary in life. When a person is constantly relying on your approval and validation in order to feel good about themselves, this is a destructive situation. You are not helping them or yourself. You are not their therapist and should not serve as such. They need to be working on their own problems on their own, just as you should be with yours.

You might think, “But I’m just trying to be supportive? Wouldn’t it be mean to not let them open up to me and talk with me?” I’m not saying you shouldn’t be a supportive friend or family member. It is okay for them to share with you what they are dealing with and what they are learning, as long as they are learning and taking action to work on it for themselves. What are they doing to get healthier and stronger internally? Are they doing anything? It is not okay for them to expect you to make them feel better so they can then go back to ignoring the problems they have. This is an endless and exhausting cycle that will leave you completely drained!

Your Role as Enemy

On the flip side, healthy individuals also do not want to be seen as the constant enemy or perpetrator. A covert narcissist will play the victim role over and over and over. Their constant hypersensitivity and gaslighting allows them to always find ways to be wounded. You begin to feel like their number one enemy. They are extremely good at being the victim and can convince the kindest person in the world that they are to blame for all the narcissist’s problems and unhappiness. Every bad feeling the covert narcissist has is somehow your fault. This is simply not reality and is known as blame shifting.

When they see you as the constant offender, everything you do and say is wrong. For a covert narcissist, everything is offensive to them. You will apologize over and over to them, even at times when you have no idea what you are apologizing for. You apologize anyways, simply to try to put some peace back in your relationship with them.

That peace, however, will be short-lived. There are not enough apologies in the world to satisfy the victim role of a covert narcissist. Their pain comes from within, and yet they constantly look for external reasons and external solutions. Those solutions will NEVER be good enough. To stop being the perpetrator, you have to set your own boundaries and walk away. They will never stop, so you must!

It is not possible for everything that is wrong with them to be your fault. Please hear these words!! It is not your fault!! You are allowed to be human. You are allowed to do things that maybe you could have done better, to say things that maybe you could have said better. No one decided that you have to be perfect, except the covert narcissist in your life. They decided you must be perfect and then set you up again and again for failure. Stop playing their game!! Simply walk away.

Of course, they will then blame you for abandoning them. But that is simply not true. You are an adult making an adult decision. Set your boundaries and stick with them.

How the Covert Narcissist Plays Rejection, Abandonment, and Abuse

My marriage lasted almost 21 years. For most of these years, I convinced myself and the world that I had the perfect marriage. We were simply great together. There was no other option available. The mind is powerful and can do amazing things. I truly believed that it was a match made in heaven and that he was perfect for me.

Sure he spoke harsh from time to time, but everyone is allowed a bad day here and there. He treated others with coldness and meanness, but not me. He was distant from others, but not from me. There always seemed to be a reason for his sharpness, so it was okay. Besides we had some really good days in between these outbursts. So I swept it under the rug every time and continued to believe that our marriage was great and wonderful.

Ever so slowly, my eyes started opening. The pressure deep in my own heart started pushing through into my awareness. Tiny cracks in my thinking allowed for tiny glimpses of truth to seep in. Questions started to form in my mind. Why is he talking to me this way? Why do I feel so beaten down and anxious? Why are our boys afraid of talking to him? Is all this normal? Is this my imagination? Thus started an unbelievable journey of discovery.

I still remember so well the first day I heard the word narcissism. I was in complete disagreement, disbelief, and denial. I still believed that I could fix all this and that much of it was my fault anyways. Now, years later, I have a much greater understanding. There is so much I didn’t see and didn’t understand at the time. Even now, layers of it are still becoming more clear.

Though I didn’t know it, I was trapped in a situation of rejection, abandonment and abuse. I didn’t see it because it wasn’t the standard scenarios that often go with these words. With covert narcissists, the mistreatment and abuse are so masterfully hidden that it takes years to see, if one sees it at all. This isn’t the aggressive rejection of yelling “I hate you” or kicking you out of the house. This isn’t the obvious abandonment of running off with another woman or disappearing for days and weeks. This isn’t the apparent abuse of physical beatings and rages full of swear words and threats.

This type of rejection, abandonment, and abuse is completely hidden. My situation was so expertly covered, and I fell for it completely! Let me paint the picture for you.

Rejection

He told me all the time that I was too good for him. He told me that he loved me so much and that he wanted me to be happy. And yet he often spoke so sharply and harshly in day-to-day living! He shut down conversations with aggressive abruptness. He gave such short and sharp answers that conversation was often completely impossible. For years, I never felt safe in normal conversations with him. I felt guarded and on high alert. He continuously created an environment that was emotionally unsafe.

I remember one summer day that I was out all day with our boys while he was at work. We returned home before him. When he came home from work, I was happy to tell him how our day had been. After all, he had been complaining lately that I don’t talk with him enough and make him feel like part of the family. So when he sat down on the couch, I sat with him and began telling him about our day. He pulled out his phone and started playing a game. I was beginning to tell him a funny story about something his oldest son had done that day. I was only a couple of sentences into the story. While I was in mid-sentence, he sharply yelled, “OKAY!” at me. So I stopped and walked away, feeling completely rejected. I did not say another word about our day, and he never said a word about that interaction.

I left many of our conversations feeling extremely rejected. He would often cut me off, clearly not wanting to hear what I was saying. Other times, he would nod emphatically, with this air about him that says, “I already know this, so why are you wasting my time?” He would even interrupt me to strongly say, “I know,” or “I get it.” It always felt like a crime to talk with him about something he already knew. And since he always came across as already knowing everything, he never made me feel welcome talking to him. This was happening on a daily basis. When you are rejected in this way so regularly, you feel completely rejected in the relationship. This is not how you build a healthy marriage.

Abandonment

I would never have said that abandonment was a concern for me. I never felt like he was going to run away with another woman. I knew that he would always be home in the evenings and on the weekends. But then I realized that there was a different type of abandonment going on.

In my marriage, abandonment came within the home itself. He completely isolated himself constantly. He lost himself in video games and movies for hours on end. This was every evening after work, every weekend, every holiday, every vacation, no matter where we were or who we were with. This happened whether we were alone just the two of us or at social events with our friends and family. It didn’t matter whether we were on the Oregon Coast visiting his own mother, having Christmas activities with my family, or in Paris on a family vacation. This was on the beach, in the hotel rooms, in the restaurants, and even on a beautiful dinner cruise in downtown Paris on the Seine River. He disengaged from our lives. He checked out completely again and again and again!

At the age of 15, our oldest son spent three weeks in France. When we picked him up at the airport, we learned that his luggage missed the flight. We had to wait one hour for it to arrive. So we found a quiet corner where we could sit and chat. I was so eager to hear all about his trip, and he was eager to tell us. Within the first five minutes of our son telling us about his excursions, my husband got up, pulled out his phone, and walked away. We didn’t see him for the next 45 minutes. No explanation, no interaction, just abandonment. To this day, he has still never heard about all the exciting things our son did on that trip. This is rejection and abandonment and happened so many times throughout the years.

Abuse

Now, I have painted a brief picture of what our marriage was like. I could give you so many examples of the rejection and abandonment that my boys and I experienced. Early in our marriage, it only happened occasionally. As the years went by though, it became a daily part of our lives.

Now add on top of this one huge element! He repeatedly told me that EVERYTHING was always my fault!! It was my fault that we didn’t communicate well. It was my fault that we were distant and struggling. It was my fault that I was anxious and upset. It was my fault that he didn’t have a relationship with me. It was my fault that he didn’t have a relationship with our boys. It was my fault that he went into hiding and checked out. It was my fault that he was unable to communicate well. It was my fault that he didn’t feel respected or loved. It was ALL my fault, and ALL my job to fix.

He continuously made me feel guilty and responsible. For many years, I fell for this. I thought it was all my fault. I remember one day when I was eating lunch with a friend. I opened up to her about how I was feeling in the marriage. I told her about the excessive gaming that my husband was doing and how frustrated I was about it. I remember saying to her, “Now, I know that it is my fault that he games so much….” She immediately interrupted me, “Wait a minute! How in the world is this your fault?” She was genuinely shocked at my statement. I responded, “Well, I don’t know. I must not have fussed at him hard enough. I should have pitched a bigger fit about it.” She laughed in disbelief, “Do you hear what you are saying? He’s a grown man. His choices are not your fault!”

At the time, I certainly did not realize the absurdity here. I did not see how messed up my own thinking had become. I actually did think that his addiction to gaming was my fault and that I should have been able to stop it. I believed this even though I had tried for years to get him off his games. He completely shut me down every time. Yet somehow, I still managed to believe that it was my fault.

Another example is that I thought for years that it was my job to make sure he had a good relationship with his boys. I used to wear my brain out trying to come up with things he could do with them. Then when I did come up with ideas, he brought so much negativity into the activity that it was a disaster. So now I also had to figure out how to keep him from being so negative while he was with them. I had become convinced that this was my duty and responsibility. But it was impossible! So as his relationship with our boys deteriorated, I felt more and more like a failure.

Refuse the Craziness!

He made everything impossible, and yet expected me to fix it all. Then when I couldn’t do it, he blamed me for everything! This is absolutely psychological abuse and will drive you to insanity!

• HE made conversations so incredibly difficult and told me it was all my fault that we didn’t talk.

• HE created fear in everyone and blamed me that he couldn’t communicate with anyone.

• HE checked out of the lives of his boys and told me that I destroyed his relationship with them.

• HE did not engage in our world and blamed me for the distance.

• HE isolated himself and blamed me that he had no friends.

• HE chose his own actions and yet made me feel guilty for them.

Now that I see it with open eyes, I can finally let go of all the guilt and blame. It was NOT my fault! I did not choose for him to be sharp and cold. I did not choose for him to shut down conversations. I did not choose for him to create environments where no one felt emotionally safe. I did not choose for him to check out and hide in his games and movies. I did not choose for him to abandon his family. These were his choices!!

But now, I did choose to walk away! I will not accept the blame anymore for an environment that he creates. I choose to treat people with love and compassion. I choose to create an atmosphere of openness and freedom. I choose to welcome others into my life with open arms. I choose to establish an environment of peace!

Others have it much worse than me, shouldn’t I just be grateful?

A Recurring Perspective

One perspective that keeps surfacing from my readers goes something like this, “I read other people’s stories and hear the nightmares they are living. Physical abuse, alcohol and drugs, sex addiction and cheating. Mine simply isn’t that bad. Sure, he gets mean and sharp sometimes, but he is tolerable most of the time. That doesn’t mean he is a narcissist. He often can actually be a very nice guy, as long as we make sure he feels special. Shouldn’t I just be grateful and keep my mouth shut? Shouldn’t I stay in the relationship because it really could be far worse? Maybe I don’t really belong in a support group. Maybe this isn’t even abuse.”

When I hear these things, I start asking them why they ended up in the support group to begin with and what brought them there in the first place. Almost always, they start describing emotional, verbal, and mental abuse. They are beaten down emotionally and mentally. They are confused and exhausted. They feel crazy and want answers. Yet they continue to justify the actions of their abuser, by saying that it really could be worse.

I Used to Say it Too

I totally understand this because I have lived it myself. I know these thoughts personally, “At least he isn’t beating me. I don’t think he would ever hurt me or our boys. I don’t think he is cheating on me. Every marriage has its issues. You know, this could be a whole lot worse. How could this be narcissistic abuse?”

And yet he continued to talk so meanly to the boys and me. He blamed us for everything that ever went wrong and many things that weren’t even wrong to begin with. He verbally and psychologically abused the boys, making them so afraid of ever upsetting him. He never listened to any of us when we tried to explain how he made us feel. He only continued to slaughter us with his tongue, while holding no empathy for his family. We walked on eggshells, always afraid of his anger, for years.

Could things have been worse? Yes, I think someone who is walking on eggshells and terrified for their own life and the lives of their kids is in a worse place. Does that make how we were living okay? Absolutely not!!

Analogy of a Broken Leg

If you have a broken leg, you don’t think, “Well, some people lose their leg, so since it could be worse, I’ll just tough it out and keep my mouth shut about it.” You don’t chose to be grateful and thus not fix your broken leg simply because their situation is worse. This wouldn’t make sense to anyone around you. Your entire family and circle of friends would be all over you to get to the doctor and take care of your leg.

Pain is pain, and healing is needed!

It is, of course, okay to recognize that things could be worse. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being grateful that they aren’t worse. But this doesn’t mean you have to stay or put up with abuse just because it could be worse. This doesn’t even make sense. Yet how many of us rationalize this way? How many of us have family and friends that even try to convince us of this?

Analogy of a School Shooter

If a shooter in one school walks into a classroom and kills just one person, while another in another school kills 30, one of these is clearly worse than the other. However just because the first situation could have been much worse, this does not take away the pain of the family of the one that was killed. That family still suffers and grieves. Their pain is very real. They are greatly affected, and it will take some time to heal.

Because one situation is “worse” also does not take away the fact that both shooters must be held accountable for their actions.  The shooter of the one person will still go to jail and face punishment, as they should. Can you imagine a judge saying, “Well, at least you only killed one. It could have been worse. You are free to go?” What!!! Media would have a heyday with that. I can see the picket lines and rioting already.

No More Justification

I think we could all find someone that we think has a worse situation than we do. That’s okay. There is no need for comparisons here. It is okay to be grateful that your own situation isn’t worse. It is okay to feel compassion for those that are in a worst situation. You also don’t have to pretend that your situation is worse than it is in order to justify leaving.

It is also okay to walk away from your situation and your abuser. Please do not use the justification that it could be worse as a reason to stay in an abusive relationship.

Abuse is abuse, and healing is needed!!

What Happens when a Narcissist Tries to “Fix” that Broken Relationship?

When does a relationship with a narcissist get worse? When that narcissist decides that they must “fix” the relationship. When they decide to “take charge” of making things right. This is a disaster!

What Does “Fix” the Relationship Mean to a Narcissist?

It means:

• They tell you all the things you have ever done wrong so that you can change.

• They tell you all the things that they have ever done right so that you can finally show appreciation.

• They tell you how they have poured so much effort into fixing things and you have done nothing.

• They tell you how great of a person they are and how bad of a person you are.

• They tell you why this is all your fault and your job to change and fix it.

• They make you feel worse and make them look better, you feel bad and they feel good.

• They use everything you say, everything you have said, and everything you have not said against you.

• They circle and deflect, keeping you in the wrong and them in the right, at all times.

• They barely acknowledge your feelings, if at all. But they are the first ones to tell you about how they feel.

When they say things like, “If we all just talk nicer to each other, then we could get along better,” they mean that everyone should talk nicer to them. They hide behind this statement and its deeper meaning. It means, “Everyone talk nicer to me.” They will still talk however they choose to talk. You can’t call them out on it because we all agreed that we would talk nicer, and that’s not being very nice.

Whey they say, “I feel disrespected and lonely,” they mean that you are not doing your job to make me feel good enough about myself. Problem is it isn’t possible for them to feel good about themselves. So no matter how much you do and how genuine your effort is, you will always fail in their eyes.

When They Come Looking for Validation and Compliments

Mine put me on the spot in one of “those” conversations. He asked me, “Can you give me one compliment? One thing you like about me?” This created a problem in me. All these different adjectives went through my head.

• Helpful? No

• Compassionate? No

• Patient? No

• Fun-loving? No

• Kind? No

• Easy to be around? No

• Fun to be around? No

• Easy to talk to? No

• A good father? No

• Happy? No

This list went on and on in my mind. I finally said to him that I was grateful for 2 things. I am extremely happy with the 2 boys that this marriage has given me. They are amazing boys, and i am very proud of them. The other thing is that I am grateful to him for providing for the family so that I could stay home and raise our boys. He responded, “So I am a paycheck to you? And you can’t even come up with one nice thing to say about me?”

I did feel a little bad about not being able to come up with something nice to say about him. So I gave it some more thought later. And even with some time to ponder, I still could not come up with positive and truthful compliments.

Instead the list was:

• Selfish

• Lazy and unmotivated

• Mean and rude

• Quick to anger

• Hard to be around

• Hard to talk to

• Angry

• Harsh and abrupt

They are Not the Relationship Guru

When someone with these characteristics tries to fix their broken relationship, it just doesn’t turn out so well. What I don’t understand is when they have all these negative traits and are missing so many positive ones, then why are we so quick to listen to them and believe them? I assure you that they are not the relationship guru. They do not have all the answers.

Oh….and by the way….when you step in and try to fix the relationship instead, the results are still about the same. They are going to rub your nose in all the things you ever did wrong.It doesn’t matter who starts the conversation, it will end the same way.

You may feel like you have to put effort into fixing the relationship. I understand that. I never tried so hard at anything in my life. I gave it everything I had. You will not find someone more determined than I was at fixing my broken marriage. So put in the effort, and see how it goes. Listen to their words and their attitude. It takes two to fix a broken marriage. If they are laying all the blame on you, then you are playing solo.As long as that is the case, this isn’t fixable.Simply walk away.

Why do narcissists give only misery?

They seem to have the best of intentions. They say they love you. They say they want what is best for you. They say they want peace and happiness with you. Yet, everyone is miserable. Why??

You can only really give that which you have. If all you have inside is misery, then that is really all you can give to others. If you have jealousy, then you give jealousy. If you have anger, then you give anger. Sure you may be able to give glimpses of happiness when you do a favor for someone, but it isn’t sustainable.

If you have joy on the inside, then you give joy. If you have compassion, then you give compassion. If you have peace, then you give peace. Sure, even these people give glimpses of anger and crankiness, but it isn’t sustainable.

A miserable person may truly wish to help others on a deep level. This isn’t a question of good intentions. They may honestly WANT to make other people’s lives better and to serve others. The desire is there and real. They can serve the poor, help the sick, volunteer in hospitals and schools. They can even try to help their children and spouse. They can do chores around the house and do favors for their family. They can try to talk, counsel and give guidance. While some of these “things” may be useful to those around them, it will be shallow and short-lived. A miserable person cannot give genuine compassion to others. They can only give misery.

Again, I’m not saying that they don’t want to give compassion, that they don’t want to help. Some of them truly do. They are simply incapable of it. Many parents want to help their children, but instead are destroying them. Their parents destroyed them with their own misery and now they are destroying their own children with it. Thus misery continues, and the cycle continues.

A miserable person can and often will try to hide their misery. They cover it and mask it. They can do such a great job of this that it stays hidden for decades. They can even go so far as to hide it from themselves quite successfully. But eventually, those closest to them start to recognize that something is wrong. They start to feel uncomfortable and guarded around this person. Often at the beginning, they do not even know why. What is happening is that they are feeling the misery.

In my early marriage, I thought I had found the most wonderful husband ever. He seemed perfect for me. He appeared to really care about me and the world around us. My family loved him, and I loved his family. I felt truly blessed to have found such a great match and thought that we would be incredibly successful together. We got married, and things were great for quite some time.

Yet as the years went by, I began to feel more and more uncomfortable around him. I couldn’t put my finger on why though. I thought it was me. Maybe I wasn’t being loving enough. Maybe I wasn’t be forgiving enough when he hurt my feelings. Maybe I wasn’t trying hard enough. I knew that marriage takes effort. I remember telling myself, “Every marriage has issues. No matter who my husband might be, we would still go through phases of this. So it’s okay, and I just need to keep loving him.”

So I tried harder. But this never got better. In fact, it kept growing. I began to feel miserable around him. I didn’t like the way he talked to me and our boys. He seemed so cold and harsh so often. Yet, he always told me that he loved me and the boys.

I talked with him one day about compassion. He told me that he is an extremely compassionate person. When I questioned this, he got quite adamant about it. He told me that if I am going to tell him that he is not a compassionate person then that was going to make him very unhappy. He was so convinced. So I started asking myself, “If he is such a compassionate person, then what is wrong here?” He clearly “wants” to be a compassionate person.

Years of researching and exploring has opened my eyes. People in healthy relationships don’t spend their time googling words like toxic relationships, narcissism, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and so on.

It is quite simple - miserable people create misery for those closest to them. I realized that my husband desired to create a loving and positive environment, but that he simply wasn’t capable of it. His internal environment was full of turmoil and misery.

If you are in a similar relationship, with a spouse, a parent, a family member, etc, you may be asking yourself, “Do I really believe that they don’t love me?” You may be convinced that they do love you and yet the relationship is full of pitfalls. No, you aren’t crazy! It is very possible that they truly want to love you. They are like the clown that WANTS to cheer everyone up, but just can’t ever get their themselves.

Does this mean you need to have compassion for them, help them and stay with them?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having compassion for them. In fact, I think that is a wonderful and beautiful thing. You have compassion because of your own beauty inside of you.

Should you help them? No, absolutely not. You can’t! They will not hear it from you, and you will go crazy trying. If they are ever going to get help, it cannot come from those closest to them.

Should you stay with them? NO! Their misery is strong and it runs deep in them. Just think about how long it has been there. You can wish them the best and sincerely hope that they get help somewhere, somehow. But that misery will rub off on you if you stay. It is okay to have compassion for them and still leave.

You don’t have to hate them in order to walk away. You can recognize that they want a healthy relationship, but they simply aren’t capable of it. Not only that, they are not able to do the intense work that it will take for them to get there. You don’t have to fix them or this relationship. No one ever said that you have to be their miracle worker!

Narcissists: Is it okay to love them and still walk away?

Is it okay to love them and still walk away?

Absolutely YES!!!

I hear so many people questioning themselves about walking away from abusive relationships. If this is you, please read on.

First let me say, I fully recognize that narcissists and abusive partners can definitely be male or female. For the ease of writing and reading, I am using the “he” pronouns here. Please substitute “she” if your situation calls for that.

Does the following sound familiar to you? You are in a relationship of some sort, marriage or otherwise. Something in your relationship just isn’t right. Maybe you are having a hard time putting your finger on exactly what that is or maybe you have already identified the problems. You don’t like the way your partner treats you. His (or her) words are harsh and uncaring. Maybe he blames you for everything and refuses to take any personal responsibility for his own actions. Maybe he even hits you from time to time.

Yet for some strange reason, you are still in this abusive relationship. Why haven’t you left?? Your friends and family may be asking you that. “Leave,” they tell you. “Just walk away.” To them, it often seems like such a simple decision. You find it surprisingly difficult to explain to them why you haven’t left.

Perhaps you even get resolved in your heart to leave, and once again, that manipulative, crazy-making partner of yours turns all sweet and romantic. He makes himself vulnerable and loving. You may find yourself feeling sorry for him, knowing the abuse in his own background. Clearly he is hurting inside, and you desperately want to care for him.

Making You Crazy

Then all the crazy questions start running through your exhausted mind:

• How can I hate him?

• Do I still love him?

• Why am I feeling this way towards him?

• Is he really that bad of a person?

• Am I just over-reacting?

• Maybe I can help him?

• Will he really change this time?

You start thinking to yourself, “Clearly I still have feelings for him. I still love him. Can I really just walk away? How can I leave him? Is it okay to love him and still walk away?”

The answer is ABSOLUTELY, YES!!

Compassionate Love vs. Romantic Love

There is a huge difference between compassionate love and romantic love. Having compassion for someone does not mean you want to have an intimate relationship with them or spend the rest of your life with them.

Compassionate Love Says:

• I care about you.

• I want you to be happy.

• I wish the best for you.

• I am willing to help you if I can.

• I am sorry that you are hurting.

• I don’t expect anything in return when I show compassion to you.

Romantic Love Says:

• I wake up everyday wanting to spend time with you.

• It feels great to spend time with you.

• You make me feel so happy to be me.

• I enjoy watching you being you.

• I wish the best for you and feel that you wish the best for me too.

• The genuine connection we have goes both ways.

• There is natural give and take as we both have needs and love.

• I know you are there for me when I am hurting and your support feels great.

• You allow me to be there for you when you are hurting.

• We have each other’s backs.

• Though we may have bumps along the way, our relationship is natural and easy.

Don't Confuse Them

Don’t mistake the compassion you feel for a narcissist in your life for romantic love. If you are here reading this, then you are already feeling that something is wrong in your relationship. Listen to your heart. It knows that there is a problem long before the mind does.

Romantic love blossoms when two people can connect with each other with genuineness and mutual compassion. It flourishes when two people can trust each other to the point of being able to lay your heart open for each other and be vulnerable.

When you don’t have that level of trust with each other, then romantic love is forced. You say you have it, but deep in your heart you know that something is missing, that something is wrong.

Powerful Revelation

I recently had a powerful revelation. I don’t have to hate him in order to walk away!!

This was so eye-opening for me, so freeing. He has hurt me so badly over 20 years, and yet I still don’t want to hate him. But I also don't have to wait until I do hate him to justify walking away. I can choose that this is not the relationship for me, that I don't want to feel this way anymore.

I do hope that someday he can get the help he needs, but I no longer feel that I have to wait around until it happens. I don’t have to be the one to find the answers for him. He won’t listen to me anyways. Just because I do wish him the best does not mean that I have to stick around and keep taking all the abuse. We are never going to get to a point of genuine connection and reconciliation.

It is okay to care about him and yet to simply walk away.