Have you ever called a covert narcissist out for something they have done? How did that go? One of the most frustrating things ever is to try to get a covert narcissist to take any responsibility or to even listen to you in the first place. When you try to talk with them regarding how you feel about something they did, you can expect a large amount of pushback. Here are 7 ways that a covert narcissist reacts.
1. covert narcissists often react with Instant frustration, anger and indignation.
While covert narcissists may be extremely patient when they are grooming you to be their target, they are not known for their patience once you have been hooked and moved past their love bombing phase. At this point, your feelings become a huge inconvenience to them. So when you are trying to express your own feelings over something they did or didn’t do, they can instantly become frustrated, defensive and indignant.
You have had repeated conversations asking them to be responsible for the kitchen trash. When the can is full, please take care of it. They may even agree to do it, but it gets repeatedly overlooked. Or they just continue to push it down, knowing you can squeeze in just a little bit more. You finally give in and have been doing it yourself multiple times along with all the other housework you are doing.
You say - “Hey, would you just take the trash out when the can is full, like you said you would?”
They fire back - “I told you I would! I’ll take care of it! You don’t have to be so demanding!”
With little to no consideration of your feelings, they rear up at the supposed unfair treatment they are receiving. Lacking the ability to see anything from your perspective, you are met with extreme resistance. They do not realize that they are not seeing things from your perspective. In fact, they often will tell you that they are. However, their approach to it is not to see how you feel in your shoes, it is to know how they would feel in your shoes.
It isn’t me, with my background, my experiences, my knowledge, my fears, my desires putting myself in someone else’s shoes. It is their background, their experiences, their knowledge, their fears and their desires, seeing it from their shoes. Covert narcissists cannot do this even a little. So your feelings remain a frustrating mystery to them.
2. Covert Narcissists Use Gaslighting
Pretend that whatever you're accusing them of never happened, you're just being dramatic or you heard it wrong or you're just plain old crazy. This is their list of excuses. “I never said that I would take out the trash.” Causes you to start defending yourself, your memory and your perception. In essence, your reality.
They trivialize what they said or did or didn’t do, making you feel like you are making a big deal out of nothing. “You’re upset about that? Come on, really? You know, Joe never does that for his wife. Or you know, my dad was way worse than this.”
This gaslighting causes you to defend yourself, fighting to validate that you have a right to be upset, that what they did hurt you and you are allowed to express that.
Another form of gaslighting is to change the subject. “How about you cleaning up the living room? You know, I go to work all day long and just want to relax at night. Do you know I had 4 meetings today? You wouldn’t believe how hard I worked.” Now, you are in a conversation about work and the trash disappears from sight. Forcing you to be the bad guy if you want to hold them accountable. Causes you to defend your right to be heard, your right for your feelings to matter.
The passive aggressive ways of a covert narcissist manipulate others without them knowing it. We become defensive and don’t even notice the switch. Then we are frustrated with ourselves for being defensive. We might even spend a period of time believing that our own defensiveness is the problem.
3. Covert Narcissists Flip the Script.
Covert narcissists are experts at turning the conversation around to how the way you feel is how they feel and that you're not listening to their feelings. They turn themselves into a victim of YOU because you're so mean.
You say, “I feel like I do all the work around the house, and I really don’t want to have to remind you about the trash.” Not being able to relate to your feelings at all or validate them in any way, they now focus entirely on their own feelings. “I don’t know why you have to remind me all the time. You know I will take care of it. I sure wish you would just trust me more. You know it really hurts my feelings that you don’t trust me. It feels so mean, and I’m so sensitive to that. I think I need to lie down.”
Saying that you have caused them harm and showing that they are hurt implies that you now need to fix the problem. You need to put in the effort. This is on you.
4. Covert Narcissists use Self-Deprecation.
They start saying things like "I'm sorry I'm such a loser and nothing I ever do is good enough for you". “I guess I can’t do anything right.” “Why did you ever marry someone as bad as me?” “I don’t deserve you.” “You should leave me. I should be alone forever.”
Triggers your compassionate side, and you start telling them how they are wrong in these statements. Your empathic nature causes you to see how your words may have hurt them and triggered such deep feelings of worthlessness. You clearly don’t want that, and now you feel bad about it. So you work overtime to fix this.
5.Covert Narcissists Us Rage Tactics.
Covert narcissists will pitcha little tantrum maybe by throwing something or slamming a door, maybe stomping their feet. This is attention seeking behavior.
Maybe they take out the trash, but they aggressively move the can around, slamming the lid, hitting the wall with it, slamming the door on the way out. They might stomp around in the kitchen or isolate in a room and slam the door. They are mad at you for not giving them the respect they believe they deserve, for not valuing them more, for suggesting they are less than perfect. How dare you tell me to take the trash out! How dare you remind me as though I’m not capable of doing it myself! Even though they have forgotten for the last month. They feel rejected. They feel called out or put on display.
6. Covert Narcissists Sulk and Pout
Covert narcissists will sulk around the house. They are clearly so wounded by your unreasonable demands and expectations. They will come get in the middle of whatever you are doing and pout. Might as well put that lower lip out. Shoulders droop, big sighs
Narcissistic collapse occurs when a narcissistic person can no longer maintain their superior image, when they cannot maintain their confidence in who they believe they are. The threat coming from the inside of them as they lose their own grip of their image is too much, and they experience an extreme emotional response. This can happen when they feel that the world no longer sees them as the person they want to be seen as. If they believe that the world sees them as strong, confident, even caring and something threatens this, they will fight that. They will go through these various stages to some extent. If they reach a point that they can no longer hold onto that image, a narcissistic collapse is a real possibility.
Signs of a narcissistic collapse
Addictive behaviors - drinking, gambling, sex
Self-harming behaviors - reckless driving, overeating, cutting,
Increased irritability, sensitivity, angry outbursts, anxiety
7. Covert Narcissist use the silent treatment.
Covert narcissists often go silent for days on end, avoiding you, and ignoring you. Some withdraw hard, while others stay in your space and make a show of not talking to you
Another form of silent treatment is to never talk about this problem again. In fact, they can wake up the next morning as though nothing ever happened and move right on with life. This is what some call abuse amnesia. this is when they act like everything is fine, ignore the problem, no accountability and no reconciliation. So while they may be talking to you, they certainly are not talking about the problem, the way they have treated you.
People with narcissistic personality disorder do not recognize their role in the situation. They do not self-reflect and thus do not realize or acknowledge in any way how they have hurt you. They just don’t see it. They very well may not realize that they are acting the way that they are. But they also do not have it within themselves to listen to you when you are trying to explain it to you. They don’t hear it from your perspective or with any attempt to give you your own perspective. They hear you only from their own perspective.
This is a perspective full of competitiveness, jealousy, manipulativeness, guard up, self-preservation. They only see from this perspective. As an empathic person, I can see how that perspective would cause me to treat people with contempt, distrust, and sharpness. I can see that, and I think it is horrible. I certainly cannot relate to continuously living life that way. Nor do I ever want to. I choose openness, trust, kindness and gentleness.
Don’t ever confuse kindness for weakness. In fact, it takes great strength and courage to remain kind in this world.