Covert Narcissism and their Subtle Tactics of Manipulation and Control

One of the most challenging aspects of covert narcissistic abuse is its subtle nature. Unlike overt narcissism, which is more easily recognizable through grandiose behavior or obvious arrogance, covert narcissism thrives on subtle manipulation that is harder to detect. These tactics are designed to undermine your confidence, control your behavior, and make you question your reality, often leaving you feeling confused, invalidated, and powerless.

Passive-Aggressiveness

Passive-aggressiveness is a hallmark of covert narcissism. Instead of direct confrontation, the covert narcissist uses veiled comments or behaviors to express anger or disapproval.

Examples

• You share an accomplishment with excitement, and the covert narcissist responds with a sarcastic, “Wow, you’re really full of yourself today, aren’t you?”

• You ask for help with a task, and they agree but say with a sigh, “Sure, I’ll do it since no one else ever does anything around here.”

• After you express a preference, they respond with, “Well, I guess my opinion doesn’t matter.”

• When you confront them about being late, they say, “I’m sorry for not living up to your impossible standards.”

• When feeling ignored, they say, “Oh, I guess I wasn’t important enough for you to call today,” even though they didn’t call you.

• If a friend cancels plans, they say, “It’s fine, I didn’t really feel like going anyway,” while secretly feeling resentful.

• They give the silent treatment to you, expecting you to figure out whatever the problem is without discussing it.

Impact:

It creates self-doubt and can make you feel guilty for normal human things, such as feeling proud of your accomplishments, asking for help, expressing a preference, focusing on your own daily activities, accidentally forgetting something, and so on.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic where the covert narcissist denies, distorts, or twists your experiences to make you question your memory, perceptions, or sanity.

Examples:

• You confront them about a hurtful comment, and they respond, “I never said that. You’re imagining things again.”

• You mention a recurring issue, and they respond, “We’ve already talked about this, and you agreed it wasn’t a problem. Why are you bringing it up again?”

• You recall a specific promise they made, and they respond, “That’s not what I said. You’re twisting my words.”

• You express hurt about something they did, and they say, “You’re always so sensitive. No one else would react this way.”

Impact:

It erodes your trust in your own judgment, your own memories, and your own perceptions. This leaves you dependent on the covert narcissist for a sense of reality.

Emotional Withholding

Emotional withholding involves deliberately withholding affection, attention, or communication as a form of punishment or control.

Examples:

• After you express a need or set a boundary, the covert narcissist gives you the silent treatment or becomes emotionally distant.

• When you disagree with them, they stop responding to your texts or calls.

• When you ask for emotional support, they say, “I don’t know what you expect me to do about it,” and withdraw.

• You try to have an important conversation, and they shut down, saying, “I can’t deal with this right now,” and leave the room.

Impact:

It makes you feel isolated and desperate for reconciliation, often causing you to compromise your boundaries to restore the relationship.

Playing the Victim

Covert narcissists frequently portray themselves as victims to avoid accountability and gain sympathy.

Examples:

• You express hurt over their behavior, and they respond, “I’m sorry I’m such a terrible person. I guess I can’t do anything right.”

• You point out a mistake they made, and they say, “I can’t believe you think I’m such a horrible person.”

• When you confront them about a broken promise, they respond, “You’re right, I’m just a failure at everything I do.”

• After you express a need for more communication, they reply, “I’m sorry I’m not perfect like you.”

• After a minor inconvenience, they dramatically exclaim, “Why does this always happen to me?”

Impact:

It shifts the focus away from their behavior and onto your supposed insensitivity, leaving you feeling guilty for expressing your needs.

Guilt-Tripping

Guilt-tripping involves making you feel responsible for their emotions or difficulties, even when it’s unwarranted.

Examples:

• They say, “I’ve sacrificed so much for you, and this is how you repay me?”

• When you set a boundary, they say, “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?”

• You want to spend time with friends, and they respond, “It’s fine, I’ll just be here alone like always.”

• When you don’t agree with their opinion, they say, “I guess I’m just not important enough for you to listen to.”

Impact:

It fosters a sense of obligation and can lead you to prioritize their needs over your own, perpetuating a cycle of self-neglect.

Minimizing Your Feelings

Minimization occurs when the covert narcissist dismisses or trivializes your emotions or experiences.

Examples:

• You express sadness, and they respond, “You’re overreacting. It’s not a big deal.”

• You express frustration, and they respond, “You’re upset about that? You should have seen what happened to ME.”

• You share your excitement about an accomplishment, and they say, “It’s not that impressive. Anyone could’ve done that.”

• After you express hurt, they respond, “Oh, come on, it wasn’t that bad. You’re blowing this way out of proportion.”

• You open up about feeling unsupported, and they reply, “You’re just too needy. No one can meet your expectations.”

Impact:

It invalidates your feelings, making you question whether your emotions are legitimate or worth addressing.

Hypersensitivity to Criticism

Covert narcissists are extremely sensitive to perceived slights or criticism, often interpreting neutral feedback as personal attacks.

Examples:

• You note a minor oversight in their work, and they respond, “I’m sorry I’m not perfect. I guess you just see me as a failure.”

• You suggest a small improvement for next time, and they reply, “Well, clearly I can’t do anything right in your eyes, can I?”

• You offer gentle feedback on their idea, and they say, “Of course you’d find fault. It’s always easier to tear me down than to appreciate what I’ve done.”

• You question a detail they mentioned, and they respond, “I knew you’d turn this against me. You can’t wait to point out where I fall short.”

• You express uncertainty about one of their methods, and they retort, “I see—everything I do needs your stamp of approval. How nice.”

Impact: 

It creates a tense environment where you feel compelled to walk on eggshells, discouraging you from speaking openly. You begin to suppress your own perspectives, doubts, or concerns, ultimately undermining honest communication and eroding trust in the relationship.

Competitive and Jealous

Covert narcissists see everyone as competition and quietly envy others’ successes. They obsessively compare themselves to others and need to diminish others to feel superior.

Examples:

• You share a small personal accomplishment, and they respond with a backhanded compliment: “Well, at least you finally did something worth mentioning.”

• You excitedly mention that a friend got promoted, and they say, “They probably knew someone. Nobody really earns that kind of success on their own.”

• You talk about learning a new skill, and they shrug, “It’s not that impressive—lots of people can do that.”

• You comment on a coworker’s recognition, and they mutter, “I’m sure they’ll mess it up eventually,” dismissing that person’s achievement.

• You celebrate another’s talent, and they roll their eyes, “I could do that if I cared to waste my time. It’s nothing special.”

Impact:

It creates an atmosphere where your pride in yourself or others is met with dismissiveness. This stifles your willingness to share positive news, foster self-doubt, and erode the trust and support that should exist in a healthy relationship.

Emotional Fragility and Moodiness

Their emotional state can swing between feelings of superiority and despair, often depending on how others treat them or whether their needs are being met.

Examples:

• You casually mention having plans with friends, and they abruptly withdraw and become sullen for the rest of the day, as if you’ve excluded them.

• A minor inconvenience—like being stuck in traffic—is enough to shift their mood dramatically, causing them to snap at you or give silent treatment.

• They interpret an innocent joke as a personal attack, resulting in hours of brooding or emotional distance.

• If you can’t respond to their call right away, they may spend the evening sulking, implying you don’t value them.

• Their mood swings leave you guessing whether your presence will be greeted with warmth, indifference, or irritation at any given moment.

Impact:

It creates a tense, unpredictable environment. You find yourself constantly on guard, trying to prevent upsets and soothing their wounded feelings, ultimately wearing down your emotional resilience and making genuine connection increasingly difficult.

Deep Need for Validation and Reassurance

They constantly seek external validation to soothe their fragile self-esteem but often distrust or discount it when received.

Examples:

• After receiving a compliment, they immediately ask, “Are you sure you really mean that?” as if no amount of praise is ever enough.

• They frequently complain about feeling unappreciated, hoping you’ll rush in to reassure them of their value.

• When you don’t instantly respond to a text, they send follow-ups like, “You’re not ignoring me, right?” pressing for constant affirmation.

• They may repeatedly compare themselves to others, fishing for you to say, “No, you’re doing great—you’re better than them.”

• Even after accomplishing something, they’ll downplay it until you step in and emphasize how proud you are of them.

Impact:

It is emotionally exhausting, placing the burden on you to continually reassure them. This dynamic feels one-sided, leaving you drained, anxious about their reaction, and unable to focus on your own emotional well-being.

Understanding these tactics is a huge step toward breaking free from their control. By learning to identify manipulation, you can begin to rebuild your confidence and protect yourself from further harm.

Covert Narcissists are Adult Bullies

Bullying is NOT a kid’s problem. Someone recently said to me that we deal with bullies in our childhood. Teen years, there may be a few bullies here and there, but not really. By adulthood, we are past all that kid stuff. Well, this got me to thinking. Are we really past all the bullying behavior in adulthood? I sure don’t feel like we are.

So I looked up the definition of bullying. Bullying is the use of force, coercion, hurtful teasing or threat, to abuse, aggressively dominate or intimidate. The behavior is often repeated and habitual. One essential prerequisite is the perception of an imbalance of physical or social power. This imbalance distinguishes bullying from conflict. This screams covert narcissism.

Bullying Amongst Children

We talk about bullying when it comes to our kids. Schools are adamant that it has to get stopped. Rules and regulations exist to help with this. Yet when we talk about this behavior within our marriage, people blow it off. They don’t take it seriously. They don’t believe us, or they tell us it’s no big deal. This includes attorneys and mediators. Courts tell us we can’t even talk about it. 

Imagine bullying happening in a school and the principal of the school tells the student that they can’t talk about the bullying behavior. What if the principal told the victim of bullying that you can’t use words like “teasing” or “ridiculing?” It would be impossible for this victim then to truly explain what is happening. 

The American Psychological Association defines bullying as a form of aggressive behavior in which someone intentionally and repeatedly causes another person injury or discomfort. Bullying can take the form of physical contact, words, or more subtle actions.

In other words, it does not have to be a physical strike in order to be defined as bullying. Words absolutely count and more subtle actions beyond that.

Teasing and name-calling is bullying.

Teasing can be what the world would call petty, trivial, or small. It might be a small joke at your expense. But if you do not want to be teased, then the behavior should stop!

It doesn’t matter whether the teasing is “in fun” or not. It doesn’t matter whether the words or  name they are calling you is crude or not.

If someone does not wish to be called that name, then the behavior should stop.

If you do not wish to be joked with in this way, then the behavior should stop.

When that boundary is not honored or respected, this is a form of bullying. Covert narcissists do not honor boundaries. When you have voiced your boundary, and the other person refuses to honor it or makes fun of you for having it, this is bullying. This is an intentional choice to cause you discomfort and emotional, mental, psychological injury.

Golden Rule and covert narcissism

Let’s talk about the Golden Rule for a minute here. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

This can seem like a good model to follow, and it can be. But it can also create some problems.

If I want to be treated with respect and have my boundaries honored, then this should certainly go both ways. I should respect others and honor their boundaries. But they get to decide what those boundaries are for themselves. I don’t.

My boundaries may not work for them. If I want to be teased and called names in jest, and thus conclude that I have the “right” to do this to others whether they want it or not, then this is a misuse of that golden rule. It is not okay.

So a covert narcissist that continues calling you a name because they don’t think it is a big deal, this is a form of bullying. If your name of choice is Mary Elizabeth, and they keep calling them Beth, and you have asked you to stop, their refusal to stop is mean, disrespectful, and bullying. They don’t think it is a big deal because to them it isn’t. But to you it is, and they don’t have to understand why. 

A covert narcissistic person that plays only by their own rules will decide that you are making a big deal out of nothing and that it is still okay for them to call you Beth. “What’s the harm? Why is it such a big deal? What’s wrong with you?”

Now the covert narcissist might like being called nicknames, so they continue doing this with you. The Golden Rule does not help here if it is being thought of on a shallow and superficial level. I like being called names, so I have the right to do this to others. This is imposing my own boundaries onto others.

I don’t care if the name they wish to call you is “Pumpkin,” and they think it is endearing, if you do not like it and ask them to stop, then they should stop. Each of us is allowed to decide what our own boundaries for ourselves are.

So instead of “do unto others as I want to be treated, maybe the Golden Rule should say, “Do unto others as they want to be treated.”

Public teasing

Public teasing is a very controlling form of bullying. You, as the victim of it, are trapped. If you react or speak out, it makes everyone there uncomfortable. You know that if you react, the narcissist will compound the situation. They may roll their eyes, make rude facial expressions, and ridicule their victims by mimicking or more teasing.

Those around you might try to laugh it off, in an attempt to settle the situation or to keep peace with the narcissist. One of the rules about narcissism is that the meanest one in the room gets to make the rules. The loudest one, the most vocal one, the one that makes everyone else the most uncomfortable, so everyone works to keep them content, and it comes at your expense. This is incredibly isolating in a situation where you already feel extremely isolated.

smear campaigns is bullying

Another bullying behavior is spreading rumors about someone or intentionally embarrassing someone in a public setting. Ever hear of a smear campaign?

A narcissistic smear campaign is when the narcissist attempts to discredit their target by spreading lies about them, exaggerating their faults or weaknesses, and turning others in the family and circle of friends against them. It can include discrediting them as a parent and turning the kids against them.

Covert narcissists work to control the narrative. They tell the story they want to tell, no matter how far it may be from the truth. Things get exaggerated, blown out of proportion, and taken out of context. Parts of the story get embellished, with just enough trust to confuse those listening. When a narcissist has lost control over their target, the smear campaign is often soon to follow. They are re-establishing their sense of control by working to destroy your reputation and the way others see you.

This bullying behavior works to isolate you from your support network. Your family and friends may believe the narrative of the covert narcissist and in essence turn against you. Or at the very least doubt you. Maybe they don’t entirely buy it, but it may cause them to pull back from you in order to avoid the drama. At a time when you need their support the most, the bully in your life uses their manipulative tactics to push your support away from you.

Another element of the smear campaign is that the narcissist can often play it so that they  come out looking good. They tell their narrative under the guise of “just being concerned.” They will say things such as, “I’m just letting you know this because I really care.” Their supposed concern for you causes them to reach out to your family and friends “just trying to help.” But in these conversations, they air out everything you have ever done or said, out of context, with embellishments, making you look crazy, while they look like the concerned partner. You can see how this influences the perspectives of family and friends, causing them to doubt you and to pull away.

sexual forms of bullying

Other forms of bullying include inappropriate sexual comments and gestures. Just because this is your spouse or partner does not give them the right to make sexual comments that you don’t like. They might try to claim that right. They might even want you to treat them this way. But that goes back to what I was saying about the golden rule. 

A narcissist’s view of the golden rule is to treat you the way they want to be treated. So because they like the crude sexual comments and gestures, they have a right to treat you this way and in fact to demand it in return.

My view of the golden rule is to respect someone the way I want to be respected. I want my boundaries honored, and I want to honor their boundaries. They get the right to define their own boundaries, just like I get the right to define mine. It’s going to look different for them, so if this is someone I care about, I want to learn what respect looks like for them, and I hope that they will do the same for me.

Power imbalance

The last piece of the definition from the American Psychological Association that I would like to address is “One essential requirement for something to be labeled as bullying - the perception of an imbalance of physical or social power. This imbalance distinguishes bullying from conflict.”

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention includes this language in their definition too. They talk about the behavior involving an observed or perceived power imbalance and is repeated multiple times or is highly likely to be repeated.”

There are some clear power imbalances that happen in life that are worth mentioning here

• Being physically stronger and thus able to hurt the other person

• Having more money than the other person

• Having a higher social status or a stronger social network, and having the ability to turn others against the other person and to create their own tribe

• Having more support from family and friends, outnumbering the other person (“they think you are to blame too”)

• Having the assertiveness and confidence to initiate the behavior of making fun of the other person or engage in sophisticated, subtle forms of manipulation, simply willing to do it

• Having access to embarrassing or private information

covert narcissism is not a gender issue

Whether you are dealing with a narcissist male or female, the potential for the power imbalance exists. All of these factors play into this relationship. 

If you are dealing with a narcissistic parent, mom or dad, the parent/child relationship is another power imbalance that gets used against you. “I’m the mom, so you must listen to me. Clearly I know best.” Same is true of the narcissistic dad

These power imbalances come into narcissistic relationships of all sorts. Siblings, friends, coworkers, and spouses or significant others. The gender doesn’t matter!  It isn’t about the gender, it is about the attitude behind their behaviors. The presumptions that they are more superior, more deserving, more special, more put-together, more confident, more worthy than you are of anything, more in control. These definitions call it a perceived power imbalance. It does NOT make it a reality. It is a perception. When you are living with a covert narcissist, it is incredibly easy to perceive that you are inferior to them. Not as smart, not as good, not as strong. They are so good at manipulating these perceptions against you.

In my eyes, narcissism is adult bullying. We have rules and laws in place against bullying, so we need rules and laws to apply to adult relationships too. This needs to be understood as bullying, with detrimental impacts on the victims, even adult victims. I am calling for courts and attorneys to hear this. It is time to stop the bullying! It is time to stop letting the bullies win!

I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing!

Emotional Childishness and Covert Narcissism

Professionally reviewed by psychotherapist Ross Rosenberg, M. Ed., LCPC, CADC

Will they ever grow up?? Am I dealing with a child or an adult? Sometimes I really am not sure. I feel like I have three children, my two by birth and my spouse!

Covert narcissists grow physically, mentally, and even socially. They look like an adult. They have adult responsibilities. They have a job. They have kids. They function socially as an adult. But emotionally they are NOT an adult. Their emotional growth seems to never have made it out of childhood. They are an emotional child trapped in an adult’s body and trying to function in an adult’s world. Let’s look at some of the signs of emotional childishness that is portrayed with covert narcissism.

Defensiveness

Narcissistic behaviors are quite self-protective and defensive. The patterns of behavior are formed to ward off feelings of being unloved and feelings of shame. Their own experiences in childhood of emotional abuse or emotional neglect in some way caused these patterns to develop. These behaviors are detrimental not only to those around them, but to themselves as well. It is these very patterns that get in their way when it comes to personal growth.

These defensive behaviors are adopted to protect themselves from negative feedback from others. But not just from others. It also protects themselves from their own internal dialogue, their own thoughts and feelings.

Blaming

Young children will often look to blame someone else. When they have been caught doing something they shouldn’t, they are quick to say, “But she did it first,” pointing at their friend, sibling, or classmate. Or you might be correcting one child for hitting the other with a pencil. The one you are correcting aggressively states, “But he looked at me mean.” Children learn at a very young age that it feels better to have someone else to put the blame on. Someone else to carry the burden with them or for them.

As children grow emotionally and become healthy adults, they learn that it is okay to not be perfect. It is okay to make mistakes and thus to be corrected. They no longer need someone or something to pass all the blame onto. Instead of blaming, they look to fix the problem. They don’t need a scapegoat anymore. But covert narcissists do. They still need somewhere for that blame to go in order to take the pressure off of themselves. This is a carry over from childhood.

One evening, my husband spilled some water from his cup on the kitchen floor. It was no big deal, and I was in the process of wiping it up. I said, “You spilled some water on the floor.” He sharply responded, “I don’t do that! It must have been the dogs.”

What?? The dogs? Really? And exactly how did they put all this water on the floor?

He had simply spilt some water. This was no big deal. Why could he not just admit that? No one was mad or upset about it. But he had to have someone to blame.

A non-defensive adult would say something like, “Oh? I didn’t notice that I did, but maybe. Sorry about that.” They don’t look for something to blame, but rather they work to fix the problem. They realize that they have nothing to defend. Thus there is no reason to blame.

Lying

Young children often lie to get out of or stay out of trouble. 

“I didn’t do it.” “It wasn’t me.”

“He started it.” Which works both as blaming and lying whenever it isn’t true

“They said I could.” When they get caught doing something they shouldn’t be doing.

Grownups should NOT be using this childish tactic to get out of trouble.

You make plans for them to pick the kids up because you have a meeting and they don’t show up. You call to find out where they are, and they immediately say, “I didn’t know you had a meeting today.” Yet you know full well that they did.

You are frustrated that they are laying in bed playing games on their phone for over an hour instead of helping around the house. But when you speak up about it, they immediately respond, “I fell asleep.” But you know they did not.

It is fairly normal behavior for kids to try to lie their way out of something, but not a full grown adult. Grown ups deal with reality, facing the truth rather than lying their way out of it.

Name Calling

Ever heard kids yell names at each other?

“You're mean.”

“Well, you're ugly.”

“Well, you’re stupid.”

“Well, you’re fat.”

Every adult around knows that this isn’t going to go anywhere, at least not anywhere good. 

Non-antagonistic adults do not resort to name-calling, but covert narcissists certainly do. 

When you are trying to have an adult conversation with them, trying to explain your feelings, and maybe even trying to explain to them how they hurt you so you can reconcile together, yet they turn to name-calling. 

“You’re lazy.”

“You’re bossy.”

“You’re a @@#$^$”

“You’re a narcissist!”

The victims of covert narcissism are often the ones tap dancing around their partner’s feelings. They are trying to explain how the partner’s behavior is narcissistic without actually saying that word. They are trying to talk ever so gently, finding the right magical words that won’t be too painful, and still caring for that partner’s feelings. While in the meantime, the narcissistic partner is yelling at them, “You’re a narcissist!” The one calling names is often the one who is not self-reflecting and not being cooperative. Mature adults do not make these attacks on people’s personal traits. They do not disrespect others in this way.

Impulsivity

Children lash out impulsively when they are hurt or mad. When someone accidentally bumps into them, they are quick to push and shove back. They speak and act recklessly, without a pause button that allows them to think through the situation and the potential consequences of their actions or words. Mature adults however have this pause button. They can calm themselves, regulate their emotions, and make non-impulsive decisions.

Covert narcissists lash out impulsively. If they perceive that you have hurt them or slighted them in any way, they believe that they are immediately justified to act out in any way they choose. They truly enjoy “teaching you a lesson.” If you borrow their pen without asking, they are now going through the entire house collecting all the pens and putting them on their desk. If you forget to turn the light off, they are now turning all the lights in the house on to “make a point.”

Need to be the center of attention

Have you ever tried to have dinner with adults and have adult conversation with a two year old at the table? How did it go? How was the discussion? Were you able to maintain the adult conversations? Probably not. This young child needs to be the center of attention. Everyone is responding to them. Everyone is focused on them. When you aren’t, the 2-year old will demand to be the center of your attention. “Hey, look at this. Watch what I can do.” This is very normal behavior for a two year old.

But what about your covert narcissistic partner? Ever try to have an adult conversation with someone else while your partner is there? How did that go? If the conversation has nothing to do with them, they will make sure that they are sabotaging your conversation. They will put themselves right into the middle of it all the time. While you are talking with your friend, they will interject themselves. You might be talking about something that the covert narcissist knows nothing about, but that doesn’t matter. “Oh! I know what you mean,” they state. “I had that happen the other day…” And off they go, all about some piece of their life that may or may not have anything to do with your actual conversation.

Inability to self-reflect

Covert narcissistic people cannot honestly and consistently self-reflect. They cannot put their defenses down long enough to do so. Self-reflection is checking in with yourself about how you are feeling. Asking yourself how others are responding to you. Taking a look at whether what you are doing is successful or not. This takes work, effort, and the ability to be vulnerable. 

The insecurities within a covert narcissistic person causes their defenses to be incredibly strong. Putting these defenses down would bring a vulnerability that they simply cannot handle. Without the ability to be vulnerable, one cannot be open and honest with themselves. Thus they cannot self-reflect.

Children lack the ability to self-reflect because of their age and lack of life experiences. They do not yet have the time put in on life that will help them to develop emotional maturity. That is not their fault. They need time, experience and consistent love and support. When a full-grown adult lacks the ability to self-reflect, this is a totally different scenario. This lack of self-reflection will greatly hinder their ability to grow and mature.

So when you feel like you are dealing with a child, in some ways, you are. It is not your job to teach a full-grown adult how to play nicely with others. Not only is it not your job, it also isn’t possible. I mean think about it, your partner is an adult. Do you suppose by now in their life, there have been others who have tried to teach them to grow up? How many people do you suppose have tried to help them or express how their actions and words hurt? By the time they are an adult and even a parent of kids themselves, it is very clear that they don’t want to change. Why would they? Growing up is tough. Look at all the work and effort it is taking on your part. But it is SO worth it! You are stronger than you know and have so many wonderful days ahead of you! I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing.

REVIEW: “EMOTIONAL CHILDISHNESS AND COVERT NARCISSISM” BY RENEE SWANSON

Renee Swanson’s article, titled “Emotional Childishness and Covert Narcissism,” offers a clear and powerful example of how a child’s attachment experience influences their adult personality development.

Ms. Swanson illustrates how the behavior of adults diagnosed with covert narcissism, a subtype of narcissistic personality disorder, clearly show how their problematic and harmful tendencies in relationships can be directly linked to their childhood upbringing.

Typical behind-the-scenes symptoms of covert narcissism, such as impulsivity, attention-mongering, blaming, dishonesty, and others, can accurately be traced backward to coping strategies and defense mechanisms forged in a crucible of profound abuse, neglect, deprivation, and/or abandonment.

Thus, as highlighted by Ms. Swanson, in order to grasp the nature of a covert narcissist, it is helpful to conceptualize it as an interaction with a troubled child.

By gaining a deeper understanding of individuals like this, one can develop realistic expectations regarding the covert narcissist’s harmful behavior without inadvertently encouraging them to persist or intensify their mistreatment. A person intending to survive and escape the relationship forged with a covert narcissist will appreciate Ms. Swanson’s keen insights.

Ross Rosenberg, M. Ed., LCPC, CADC

Psychotherapist

Apology Dodging of a Covert Narcissist

Apology Dodging - “Here we go again!”

Never getting a genuine apology in an intimate relationship is painful and debilitating.

I have never met anyone better at dodging apologizing than a narcissist. They are experts at it. Their sense of superiority causes them to never feel that they are in the wrong. Other “inferior” individuals are always to blame. So for them to apologize requires that they lower themselves to an equal or lesser plane than others. This is something that they simply cannot do! They will tap dance, side step, spin in a circle, and stand on their heads. But they will NOT apologize, at least not in any real and genuine way.

If you are dealing with a covert narcissist, you will never feel like they actually care about how they make you feel. They never seem to notice or acknowledge how they hurt you. They don’t care when you try to tell them. You will never receive a genuine and sincere apology from them. Instead, they will use all sorts of manipulative tactics to distract you and confuse you. Here are some examples:

THE CIRCLE APOLOGY

With a circle apology, a covert narcissist starts by actually apologizing. The words, “I’m sorry” come out of their mouth. However, they don’t stop there. By the time they are done talking, you are far from that apology. The circular conversation you are now in circles endlessly and you find that you are the one on the defense. You are under attack and feel like everything was and is your fault. The next thing you know you are apologizing to them. You don’t even know how you got here or what you are really apologizing for.

The initial apology may seem extremely genuine. You feel relieved that they see their wrongdoing and are taking responsibility for it. So you relax. Then bam! They flip the entire thing around. You are now defended every thought you have ever had, every word you ever uttered, everything you have ever done, and so on. Somehow this misunderstanding, all misunderstandings, are always your fault. Not just partially your fault, but completely your fault.

How in the world did we get here? You may even find yourself apologizing to them for something that they did.

THE VICTIM APOLOGY

A covert narcissist will apologize if they feel they can gain some leverage from it. As I have already said, the words “I’m sorry” can be very effective at bringing your guard down. Once said, now the covert narcissist can proclaim, “I said I was sorry. I’m such a horrible person!” and follow this with the victim role.

When the abusive and manipulative behaviors continue over and over again for years, the apologies are meaningless. Yet the covert narcissist will wear them like a badge of honor. They might say something like, “I said I was sorry. It isn’t my fault that you won’t forgive me.” Or “Everyone makes mistakes. Am I not allowed to?” The lack of remorse and lack of genuine apology leave you never feeling cared for or heard. Their fake “I’m sorry” is their Get Out of Jail Free card.

THE PARTIAL APOLOGY

The covert narcissist may apologize for one piece of what happened but not another, maybe more significant part. “I will take credit for saying this. I’m sorry for that. But not this other. I didn’t do that.” Giving an apology for one piece makes them seem more credible. Why would I apologize for this and yet lie about that? It allows them to dodge the other piece.

“I said I was sorry for the things I did. But I didn’t do this other part. If I’m willing to apologize for these other things, then why would I refuse to apologize for this one? It has to show that I didn’t do that one.” Keeping something back keeps them in charge and feeling superior.

THE ABUSIVE APOLOGY

“I’m sorry, but…” They need to tell you more of the situation. Covert narcissists often need to help you to better understand. If they are not yet feeling in control of the situation, then clearly you don’t understand the whole scenario yet. If you are not yet apologizing to them, putting them on a more superior plane than you, then they cannot let it go. This can go on for hours at a time or even for days.

They will continue to add more fuel to the fire. Moving past it and moving on with your life is impossible.  If they do not feel satisfied with how the current conversation went, I assure you that they will be back. Be ready for rounds 2, 3, and 4. More realistically be ready for rounds 18, 19, and 20!

Similar to the circle apology, these abusive apologies put things back on you. Unlike the more subtle circle apology, these are a direct attack and immediately put you on the defense. There is nothing subtle about them.

• I’m sorry, but you overreact to everything anyway.

• I’m sorry that you think I said that. You can’t remember anything right.

• I’m sorry that you heard me wrong. Can’t you ever listen?

• I’m sorry, but everyone else thinks it was funny. You just have no sense of humor.

• I’m sorry! Are you happy now?

• I’m sorry, but you started it.

• Alright FINE, I’m SORRY.

• I already apologized. What more do you want? (Often after they never apologized in the first place)

• I’m sorry that you don’t think what I do is good enough for you.

• I’m sorry, but I was just trying to help. Excuse me for trying!

THE ABSOLUTE REFUSAL TO APOLOGIZE

All of these types of apologies are in reality a refusal to sincerely apologize. The absolute refusal to take any responsibility for their behavior is incredibly infuriating. Being compassionate and genuinely wanting things to resolve, you come to your partner and apologize for your side of the problem. In a healthy relationship, apologies go both ways. Both sides are involved and both should take some of the blame. However, the covert narcissist is just not willing to own any piece of the problem. They are happy to accept your admission, yet refuse to take any responsibility for their own behavior.

You can apologize for getting angry about the way they talked to you. In return, you get an attitude of “you should be.” They will even add more reasons to your apology of why you should feel sorry. Yet they will not take ANY blame for their part in the problem. They have absolutely NO recognition of how their own behavior triggered all of this in the first place.

“You were angry first.”

“I didn’t get upset until after you did.”

“It’s not my fault you behaved that way.”

“I don’t know what I could have done differently.”

Fake apologies leave you feeling empty and not valued. Covert narcissists are experts at it. The confusion they leave in your mind makes you feel crazy. You find yourself wondering, “They did apologize, so why do I still feel this way?” You question your own intentions and sanity. These people are smooth! They are believable and convincing to everyone. They are dangerous.

Never getting a genuine apology in an intimate relationship is painful and debilitating! It makes genuine connection impossible!

No Reconciliation Ever

No Reconciliation Ever: The Cry of a Narcissistic Relationship

In all relationships, you are certainly going to upset each other from time to time. You are going to hurt each other’s feelings and find yourself in an argument or disagreement. This is a very normal part of life. Knowing this is true, however, caused me for years to justify what was going on in my marriage. I made so many excuses for his painful words and behaviors. I used to say things to myself and others, such as:

• “Everyone gets mad every now and then.”

• “We all get our feelings hurt from time to time.”

• “We all have our bad days.”

I even believed this was true. Yet I couldn’t quite put my finger on why things still felt so wrong. He wasn’t mad all the time, true. He didn’t have bad days every day, true. We actually had some good times together. Yet, I found myself dreading those bad days and bad moments. Past ones seemed to linger in my memory and future ones were anticipated with apprehension. I always knew there would be more. I knew they would never stop.

But why? When I had a disagreement with a friend or a family member, it just didn’t seem to be as big of a deal. We would apologize, and no hard feelings lingered. I used to think that maybe this is just because of the complications of being married. It’s just harder when it is on an intimate level. I guess all marriages are like this. I just have to keep working at it. Maybe someday we will get it.

Not All Marriages are Like This

I sure was wrong!! Not all marriages are like this. It isn’t because of the intimacy of the relationship. It is because we could never find a place of reconciliation. When you are in a truly loving relationship, reconciliation is something you experience often. When a healthy individual harms someone that they love, here are some things that typically happen:

• The person who made the mistake feels remorse for hurting the other person.

• The person who made the mistake apologizes with sincerity and without excuses.

• The person who made the mistake tries to not continue repeating the offense.

When genuine forgiveness happens, the following are typically experienced:

• Forgiveness and reconciliation occur.

• Genuine connection and openness is felt by both parties.

• This leads to changes in behavior and attitude of the person who made the mistake.

• These changes lead to a more stable environment and a happier future for all involved.

You Cannot Reconcile with a Covert Narcissist

However, you just can’t reconcile with a covert narcissist. It simply can’t be done. No matter what angle you try, you cannot ever get past the defensiveness and accusations. The only way I had found to survive this was to keep sweeping it under the rug. I made excuses for him, both inside my head and outloud to others, for many years. I developed a sort of abuse amnesia, as a coping mechanism. I could forget about it, as long as the peaceful times kept coming back. However, this cannot be maintained long-term. It isn’t sustainable.

Healthy versus toxic

Compare the things the healthy individual does above with these common reactions from narcissistic individuals:

• The narcissistic person defends their actions and words, feeling no remorse for hurting someone.

• The narcissistic person makes excuses and accusations, rather than apologies.

• The narcissistic person continues repeating the offense because they see nothing wrong with their behavior.

So instead of the positive environment mentioned above, the following are typically experienced:

• Resentment and dissension occur.

• Disconnection and internal mental battles occur.

• The behavior and attitude never change.

• The environment becomes more unstable as time goes by.

• Happiness seems far out of reach.

Hooked by Hope

Believing that all marriages and relationships have their issues kept me hooked with hope for years and decades. I overlooked the passive aggressive behavior, excusing it away. I bought into the gaslighting and blamed myself. I dropped all boundaries and wrapped my whole world around his desires, needs, and attitudes. I even convinced myself that he had empathy and compassion. I certainly refused to see the emotional abuse and coercive manipulation. Until I couldn’t stay blind to it anymore. My system was breaking down and screaming at me to listen.

The intense Pain and extreme Distance

When you feel that you can never reach a point of reconciliation with a loved one, over time, any form of disagreement with that person leads to great frustration. You find yourself avoiding conflict with them entirely, causing the relationship to stay rather shallow and distant. You simply don’t feel emotionally safe with them.

If you are waiting for them to start seeing your side and meeting you in the middle, you are going to wait for a very long time. These continued attempts at reconciling are immensely damaging. You exhaust your mind trying to find the right words and the right approach. And your heart takes horrible damage. You lay it open before them, exposing your feelings of hurt and despair, and they stomp all over it and throw it out. This unwillingness to reconcile is an extreme form of emotional abuse. It leaves you as a shriveled pile of nothing, over and over and over. For your own peace of mind and heart, stop arguing with them. Stop trying to get them to see. Simply walk away. Their complete inability to reconcile says everything about them and nothing about you. You aren’t going to change them, but you can save yourself.

You have been damaged by all of this. The realization of this truth is incredibly painful. It's okay. Accept the truth. Accept the pain. Don't run from it or hide from it. Now it's time to start the healing process. In a way, it is no different from being hit by a truck. If you were run over by a truck, you would have to be extremely gentle with your body and give it time to heal. You would have to put some effort and energy into that healing process. It would be painful and difficult, and no one could do it for you. Only you! This is no different. Your heart and mind have been hit by a truck. You have to put effort and energy into the healing process, and it will be painful. But you can do it!