“You don’t even care that I’m having a bad day!”
“Why do you always try to see the bright side of things? That’s so pointless and stupid!”
“Sure, go read your book. You could be spending time with me, you know?”
After you have spent countless hours trying to support and help them.
Grandiose narcissists cross physical boundaries. They overstep and hit you physically, shoving you, grabbing you, hitting you. They have no regard for your physical space.
Vulnerable narcissists, often referred to as covert narcissists, cross emotional boundaries. They overstep and hit you emotionally, blaming you, guilting you, dismissing you. They have no regard for your emotional space.
Boundaries may often be crossed in ways that can be so subtle that we don’t even realize it, especially when dealing with covert narcissists. But the impact is massive! Today I want to give you 3 steps that you can take to help set better boundaries with a covert narcissist.
Now these 3 steps are not going to magically fix your relationship. They aren’t going to all of a sudden cause the covert narcissist to get it and start treating you better. These boundaries aren’t for them. These boundaries are for you. To give you the space to be the person you want to be and quit taking all these emotional hits from this abusive person in your life.
Whether this is your spouse, your parent, your adult child, your coworker, your friend…no matter the relationship, these steps create a buffer around you, creating some emotional breathing space.
Three steps
Acknowledge their feeling in a simple statement focused on them
State your boundary/feeling in a simple statement focused on you
Redirect the conversation in a simple positive direction
Why acknowledge their feelings?? Haven’t we done that enough? YES!! But this step allows you to be the compassionate and caring person you want to be. Being compassionate is about you, not them. This simple statement of, “I hear that you are upset” keeps you grounded in who you are. I no longer give them the ability to make me someone that I am not!
State your boundary? I thought we aren’t supposed to voice it to them. If you are out of the relationship, no contact, or at the very least quite distant, then this is true. However, if you are still in the marriage, in the home, co-parenting young children, then you might need to voice these boundaries. Now don’t expect the covert narcissist to automatically follow them. You aren’t voicing them for that person. You are voicing them for you. I will explain more on this as we go.
How do I redirect them? Have some safe topics, topics they like to talk about and you don’t have to really engage, topics that are easy to avoid conflict - work, current events, even ones that they feel passionate about but you are willing to not speak your opinion, their hobbies, future plans, food, cooking, nature.
Here are some specific examples of boundary violations from a covert narcissist and how to use this strategy.
1. **Emotional Dumping:**
You have a right to not carry their burdens or pay the price for their emotional struggles.
There is a difference between caring for someone’s struggles, supporting them, and paying a price for the struggles they have.
They dump their problems on you, anxieties and dramas. They shoot down any comfort you offer or ideas you share.
Natural boundary - with non-narcissistic people. People who have empathy recognize the way that their emotions affect those around them. They will guard against dumping their feelings all over you. While they might express some frustrations, this will be protected in some way.
They limit the amount of time this takes. They apologize for expressing their frustration. They thank you for listening and for caring. They say, “I know you can’t do anything to help this, so you don’t have to say anything. Sorry and thank you.” They don’t expect you to fix this for them. They put effort into moving on. They might voice some of their own ideas for moving forward. They listen and express gratitude for any ideas you offer.
They don’t trap you for hours in an exhausting and draining monologue, shooting down anything you say, and wallowing in self-pity pushing you to join them. So you don’t have to purposefully set a boundary with them. They already have a natural boundary within themselves.
Covert narcissists are not like this. They frequently share problems and burdens that you cannot help with and expect you to provide endless comfort. They rattle on and on about the problem, waiting for you to join them with your reactions. Waiting for you to join in their misery. If you don’t exhibit big enough reactions, they will continue seemingly forever. They never realize the drain this has on you or that maybe you don’t want to be in a bad mood too.
Covert narcissists stay in that dumping mode for extended periods of time. If you try to shift in a positive direction, they shoot you down. If you express potential solutions, they always have a reason why that won’t work or a snide remark about it. “That won’t work, that’s a dumb idea.” Aren’t you listening to me? This is so bad.”
“Why should I try to fix it? It isn’t my fault this happened.” They have no interest in putting in any effort to fix things. But they will roll around in the mud forever and drag you in with them.
You try offering encouragement or a positive perspective. They might even tell you that you just always try to see the positive in things. “What’s the point of that?!”
They might ultimately conclude, “you don’t even care that I’m having a bad day.” This after you have been actively listening to them and trying to encourage them for over an hour or several hours. And that this scenario has repeated for days on end throughout your entire relationship. They simply add you to their list of why life sucks right now. In fact, they throw you to the top of it, even though you are the one sticking around and trying to help them.
Emotional dumping from a covert narcissist puts you in a no-win situation. You are either stuck listening for hours with no way out or you get blamed for not caring enough. There is absolutely no care from them for you, your heart, and the position this dumping puts you in.
Boundary -
I hear that you are feeling down, and I do hate that for you.
I am not equipped to help you with this.
If you need some time to vent, I can give you that, for about ten minutes or so. Anymore than that makes me feel depressed and ugly inside, and I don’t care for that.
If this problem stays big for you, would you consider talking with a therapist? Would you consider talking with your co-worker on this one?
I’d love to hear about something positive that happened today.
Personal boundary -
I will not play the fixer role.
I will not jump in to be the hero.
I will let their feelings be their responsibility.
I will trust the support I offer and not feel bad for walking away.
I will not stay engaged until they are feeling better (this can keep you trapped for hours)
2. **Guilt-Tripping:**
They make you feel guilty for not showing them enough attention or for wanting to spend any time with your friends and family or doing activities of your own. It is normal to do activities that do not include your spouse. It is normal to have time with your other friends or with your own family. Marriage does not mean these things just disappear.
It is normal to have your own activities, such as a book club, pickleball, singing in a choir, working out in a gym, watching a movie with your friends. These are normal activities, and it is completely acceptable to do them without your spouse and without their permission.
Covert narcissists want all of your attention for them and only them. They don’t want to share you with friends, your own family, your own kids, or even your own pets.
Examples
When I went to the symphony with my friend, he told me that I never go to things with him. He was sullen and grumpy. “I wanted to take you out for your birthday” (this wasn’t even on my birthday). My birthday was still a week away. Did he take me out? No, of course not. But he sure made me feel bad for going out with my girlfriend.
Boundary -
I hear that you are feeling down.
I don’t like to feel bad for doing things with my friends.
I don’t like to feel guilty for wanting to do my own activities sometimes.
It sounds like you want to do something together, so how about we plan something for next weekend? What would you like to do?
Personal boundary -
I will not feel bad or feel guilty for doing an activity with my friend.
I will focus on my time with my friend while we are together.
I will not give my partner my mental or emotional space while enjoying this time with my friend.
When I would lay on the floor and pet the dog
He would lay his head on my lap. Take my hand from the dog and put it on his head.
He would wiggle his way between me and my dog and say, “I’m here.”
Funny thing is that he would call the dogs jealous.
Boundary -
I hear/see that you feel left out.
I don’t like to feel bad for giving my dog some love.
I would love to hear about your day. How was work?
Or are you looking forward to our upcoming holiday?
Personal boundary -
I will not change my way of interacting with my pet.
I will not allow myself to feel bad or guilty for giving my pet attention.
Taking time for me
When I would take some time to myself, to read, take a bath, watch a show, I would get passive aggressive comments such as, “Sure, go read by yourself…” “Why would you watch that? Such a waste of time.” “You could be spending time with me, you know.”
He took time to himself all the time. Playing his video games, watching movies, sleeping on the couch, all the time. While I cooked, cleaned, cared for the kids, took care of the pets, packed lunches for the next day, grocery shopped, and so on, yet anytime I took for myself to finally relax…he wanted that time for him and made these passive aggressive remarks.
Boundary -
I understand that you are feeling alone right now.
I don’t like to feel bad for taking time for myself and doing things I enjoy.
How does tomorrow night sound for some time together? What would you like to do?
Personal boundary -
I will not feel bad for taking time for myself.
I will prioritize doing things that I enjoy.
These tools can be incredibly helpful for children and teenagers in particular. Help them to learn to express their own needs and boundaries this way. This conversation might start in regards to their friends, but they will learn very valuable skills. Ultimately, they will begin to apply them to their parent. In fact, don’t be surprised if they apply them to you.
They need to practice stating these boundaries with people who are safe before they can feel comfortable enough to voice them to people who are not safe. Give them that space to practice this with you.
On that same note, as you work on boundaries, don’t start by setting boundaries with the hardest person in your life. Do these with people who will honor and respect you and your needs. You will be surprised at how easy these conversations go.
Don’t expect them to go this easy with a covert narcissist. But the extra practice will help you to stay clear on what you want to express.
I also want to be honest with you for a minute here. Do I think that this is going to magically fix this relationship you are in, absolutely not! This isn’t about fixing your marriage or your relationship with your narcissistic parent. This is about you being able to acknowledge their feelings with continued compassion, state your needs and boundaries simply and moving forward. This isn’t about finding the right way for them. It is about finding the right way for you.
I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing.