3 Simple Steps for Boundary Setting with a Covert Narcissist

“You don’t even care that I’m having a bad day!” 

“Why do you always try to see the bright side of things? That’s so pointless and stupid!”

“Sure, go read your book. You could be spending time with me, you know?”

After you have spent countless hours trying to support and help them.

Grandiose narcissists cross physical boundaries. They overstep and hit you physically, shoving you, grabbing you, hitting you. They have no regard for your physical space.

Vulnerable narcissists, often referred to as covert narcissists, cross emotional boundaries. They overstep and hit you emotionally, blaming you, guilting you, dismissing you. They have no regard for your emotional space.

Boundaries may often be crossed in ways that can be so subtle that we don’t even realize it, especially when dealing with covert narcissists. But the impact is massive! Today I want to give you 3 steps that you can take to help set better boundaries with a covert narcissist.

Now these 3 steps are not going to magically fix your relationship. They aren’t going to all of a sudden cause the covert narcissist to get it and start treating you better. These boundaries aren’t for them. These boundaries are for you. To give you the space to be the person you want to be and quit taking all these emotional hits from this abusive person in your life.

Whether this is your spouse, your parent, your adult child, your coworker, your friend…no matter the relationship, these steps create a buffer around you, creating some emotional breathing space.

Three steps

Acknowledge their feeling in a simple statement focused on them

State your boundary/feeling in a simple statement focused on you

Redirect the conversation in a simple positive direction

Why acknowledge their feelings?? Haven’t we done that enough? YES!! But this step allows you to be the compassionate and caring person you want to be. Being compassionate is about you, not them. This simple statement of, “I hear that you are upset” keeps you grounded in who you are. I no longer give them the ability to make me someone that I am not!

State your boundary? I thought we aren’t supposed to voice it to them. If you are out of the relationship, no contact, or at the very least quite distant, then this is true. However, if you are still in the marriage, in the home, co-parenting young children, then you might need to voice these boundaries. Now don’t expect the covert narcissist to automatically follow them. You aren’t voicing them for that person. You are voicing them for you. I will explain more on this as we go.

How do I redirect them? Have some safe topics, topics they like to talk about and you don’t have to really engage, topics that are easy to avoid conflict - work, current events, even ones that they feel passionate about but you are willing to not speak your opinion, their hobbies, future plans, food, cooking, nature.

Here are some specific examples of boundary violations from a covert narcissist and how to use this strategy.

1. **Emotional Dumping:** 

You have a right to not carry their burdens or pay the price for their emotional struggles.

There is a difference between caring for someone’s struggles, supporting them, and paying a price for the struggles they have.

They dump their problems on you, anxieties and dramas. They shoot down any comfort you offer or ideas you share. 

Natural boundary - with non-narcissistic people. People who have empathy recognize the way that their emotions affect those around them. They will guard against dumping their feelings all over you. While they might express some frustrations, this will be protected in some way. 

They limit the amount of time this takes. They apologize for expressing their frustration. They thank you for listening and for caring. They say, “I know you can’t do anything to help this, so you don’t have to say anything. Sorry and thank you.” They don’t expect you to fix this for them. They put effort into moving on. They might voice some of their own ideas for moving forward. They listen and express gratitude for any ideas you offer. 

They don’t trap you for hours in an exhausting and draining monologue, shooting down anything you say, and wallowing in self-pity pushing you to join them. So you don’t have to purposefully set a boundary with them. They already have a natural boundary within themselves.

Covert narcissists are not like this. They frequently share problems and burdens that you cannot help with and expect you to provide endless comfort. They rattle on and on about the problem, waiting for you to join them with your reactions. Waiting for you to join in their misery. If you don’t exhibit big enough reactions, they will continue seemingly forever. They never realize the drain this has on you or that maybe you don’t want to be in a bad mood too.

Covert narcissists stay in that dumping mode for extended periods of time. If you try to shift in a positive direction, they shoot you down. If you express potential solutions, they always have a reason why that won’t work or a snide remark about it. “That won’t work, that’s a dumb idea.” Aren’t you listening to me? This is so bad.” 

“Why should I try to fix it? It isn’t my fault this happened.” They have no interest in putting in any effort to fix things. But they will roll around in the mud forever and drag you in with them.

You try offering encouragement or a positive perspective. They might even tell you that you just always try to see the positive in things. “What’s the point of that?!” 

They might ultimately conclude, “you don’t even care that I’m having a bad day.” This after you have been actively listening to them and trying to encourage them for over an hour or several hours. And that this scenario has repeated for days on end throughout your entire relationship. They simply add you to their list of why life sucks right now. In fact, they throw you to the top of it, even though you are the one sticking around and trying to help them.

Emotional dumping from a covert narcissist puts you in a no-win situation. You are either stuck listening for hours with no way out or you get blamed for not caring enough. There is absolutely no care from them for you, your heart, and the position this dumping puts you in.

Boundary - 

I hear that you are feeling down, and I do hate that for you. 

I am not equipped to help you with this. 

If you need some time to vent, I can give you that, for about ten minutes or so. Anymore than that makes me feel depressed and ugly inside, and I don’t care for that.

If this problem stays big for you, would you consider talking with a therapist? Would you consider talking with your co-worker on this one? 

I’d love to hear about something positive that happened today.

Personal boundary - 

I will not play the fixer role. 

I will not jump in to be the hero. 

I will let their feelings be their responsibility.

I will trust the support I offer and not feel bad for walking away.

I will not stay engaged until they are feeling better (this can keep you trapped for hours)

2. **Guilt-Tripping:** 

They make you feel guilty for not showing them enough attention or for wanting to spend any time with your friends and family or doing activities of your own. It is normal to do activities that do not include your spouse. It is normal to have time with your other friends or with your own family. Marriage does not mean these things just disappear.

It is normal to have your own activities, such as a book club, pickleball, singing in a choir, working out in a gym, watching a movie with your friends. These are normal activities, and it is completely acceptable to do them without your spouse and without their permission. 

Covert narcissists want all of your attention for them and only them. They don’t want to share you with friends, your own family, your own kids, or even your own pets.

Examples

When I went to the symphony with my friend, he told me that I never go to things with him. He was sullen and grumpy. “I wanted to take you out for your birthday” (this wasn’t even on my birthday). My birthday was still a week away. Did he take me out? No, of course not. But he sure made me feel bad for going out with my girlfriend.

Boundary - 

I hear that you are feeling down.

I don’t like to feel bad for doing things with my friends. 

I don’t like to feel guilty for wanting to do my own activities sometimes.

It sounds like you want to do something together, so how about we plan something for next weekend? What would you like to do?

Personal boundary - 

I will not feel bad or feel guilty for doing an activity with my friend. 

I will focus on my time with my friend while we are together.

I will not give my partner my mental or emotional space while enjoying this time with my friend.

When I would lay on the floor and pet the dog

He would lay his head on my lap. Take my hand from the dog and put it on his head.

He would wiggle his way between me and my dog and say, “I’m here.” 

Funny thing is that he would call the dogs jealous.

Boundary - 

I hear/see that you feel left out. 

I don’t like to feel bad for giving my dog some love. 

I would love to hear about your day. How was work? 

Or are you looking forward to our upcoming holiday?

Personal boundary - 

I will not change my way of interacting with my pet. 

I will not allow myself to feel bad or guilty for giving my pet attention. 

Taking time for me

When I would take some time to myself, to read, take a bath, watch a show, I would get passive aggressive comments such as, “Sure, go read by yourself…” “Why would you watch that? Such a waste of time.” “You could be spending time with me, you know.”

He took time to himself all the time. Playing his video games, watching movies, sleeping on the couch, all the time. While I cooked, cleaned, cared for the kids, took care of the pets, packed lunches for the next day, grocery shopped, and so on, yet anytime I took for myself to finally relax…he wanted that time for him and made these passive aggressive remarks.

Boundary - 

I understand that you are feeling alone right now.

I don’t like to feel bad for taking time for myself and doing things I enjoy.

How does tomorrow night sound for some time together? What would you like to do? 

Personal boundary - 

I will not feel bad for taking time for myself.

I will prioritize doing things that I enjoy.

These tools can be incredibly helpful for children and teenagers in particular. Help them to learn to express their own needs and boundaries this way. This conversation might start in regards to their friends, but they will learn very valuable skills. Ultimately, they will begin to apply them to their parent. In fact, don’t be surprised if they apply them to you.

They need to practice stating these boundaries with people who are safe before they can feel comfortable enough to voice them to people who are not safe. Give them that space to practice this with you.

On that same note, as you work on boundaries, don’t start by setting boundaries with the hardest person in your life. Do these with people who will honor and respect you and your needs. You will be surprised at how easy these conversations go.

Don’t expect them to go this easy with a covert narcissist. But the extra practice will help you to stay clear on what you want to express. 

I also want to be honest with you for a minute here. Do I think that this is going to magically fix this relationship you are in, absolutely not! This isn’t about fixing your marriage or your relationship with your narcissistic parent. This is about you being able to acknowledge their feelings with continued compassion, state your needs and boundaries simply and moving forward. This isn’t about finding the right way for them. It is about finding the right way for you.

I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing.

The Emotional Dysregulation of a Covert Narcissist

I’m mad! So I yell at you, punch the wall, storm off, stomp my feet, shove the chair, and slam the bedroom door! I don’t care that you don’t like it! I don’t care that you now feel bad. In fact, I’m going to wait in my room until you come and apologize to me! Who am I?

I'm a 2 year old toddler throwing a fit, or a teenager dealing with hormones, social anxiety, and overwhelming schoolwork, or a full-grown adult covert narcissist.

How do you handle the situation?

For the 2 year old, you parent them. You take away their favorite toy, have them take a time out, and let them know that this behavior is not okay. You talk with them about emotions. Help them to learn how to handle being angry, and tell them that you love them.

For the teenager, you probably ground them. Take away their phone and the car, can’t spend time with their friends. Cancel their fun events. And encourage them to make amends. You talk with them about how their behaviors affect those around them, trying to help them to see outside of themselves. And you try to connect with them and you tell them that you love them.

For the adult covert narcissist, you tiptoe around them. Figure out what set them off and add that to your checklist of things to make sure never happen again. After countless attempts of trying to connect with them, resulting only in circular conversations, you instead wait for this behavior to disappear, for the abuse amnesia to set in, and you both pretend that it never happened.

The problem is this behavior is the same from a 2 year old, to a teenager, to a full-grown adult. As such, it is understandable from a toddler, expected from a teenager, and shocking from an adult.

What is Emotional Regulation?

When asked what is emotional regulation and how do you teach it to your children, let’s start by identifying what it is not.

• It is not spilling your emotions all over the other person

• It is not when someone is experiencing negative emotions and thus treats the people around them with sharpness, blame, rage, entitled anger, yelling, slamming doors, and breaking things. This is like kicking the dog because you are mad.

• It’s not, “I’m mad, so I can do whatever I want. You better get out of my way.”

This is entitlement. While everyone does have a right to get angry at times, this does not give you the right to stomp all over everyone else’s feelings, to behave like a 2 year old or a hormonal teenager.

Emotional regulation also is not the sulking victim mode. Being cold and distant, using the silent treatment. Sulking around, dropping self-care, disassociating, addictions. Being defensive and hypersensitive. This also leads to the people around you walking on eggshells to keep you happy. Going out of their way to meet your needs and expectations to avoid the painfulness of your cold and harsh attitude. 

So what does healthy emotional regulation actually look like?

Let’s look at it first in you and then you can work on teaching this to your children. You cannot teach this to your children if you don’t know how to do it yourself. You have to put your own oxygen mask on first and then help you child. 

You may have heard of the saying “Do as I say, not as I do.” That really doesn’t work in parenting. You can’t tell them to spend less time on electronics, while your nose is in your phone all the time. They will do as you do, not as you say. You can’t tell them to treat others with respect while you walk all over people and treat them with disdain. This won’t help your kids to learn courtesy and respect.

You can say whatever you want. Your words mean nothing if you aren’t listening to them yourself. Don’t try to teach emotional regulation to your kids while you are emotionally dysregulated. So let’s start with you!

Identify your emotions

It starts with learning to identify your own emotions and admit them to yourself. Give yourself the permission to be human! Use the emotions wheel. Work on understanding how you are feeling. Don’t just ignore the chemistry that is going on inside of you. Instead, work with it and make peace with it.

Say things like, “I am overwhelmed today. Life feels heavy, scary, uncertain. This feels horrible to me. I really just want to take a break from the weight of it.”

Or “I feel really optimistic today. I am hopeful for what is coming, eager and motivated to move forward. This feels good to me.”

Everyday or most days write down how you are feeling in 2-3 sentences. Get used to acknowledging your feelings. Start verbalizing them. Tell them to a few trusted friends or family members.

Now, Help Your children

Help them to do these same things, especially after you have a little practice at it. Encourage them to write them down in a couple of sentences of their own. Give your kids an emotions pillow, keychain, or poster. Talk through all the different emotions on it. Get them a journal to use. Encourage them to write about their own feelings too. Identifying the emotions and learning to read them is a starting point. Now what do we do with them?

Express your Emotions

Learning to express your emotions in a healthy way is extremely important, both for you and those around you. What does it mean to express your emotions? Let’s begin again by looking at what it is not.

Not expressing your emotions is not emotional regulation. There is a misconception here and I want to address it here. Emotional regulation doesn’t mean don’t ever be emotional. We seem to put this expectation on ourselves. We over-regulate, putting a huge cap on our own emotions, shoving everything inside and bottling it all up.

In fact, we often praise people for being able to stay silent and controlled, swallowing their feelings, remaining stoic. They are so mature and capable. It’s like their feelings don’t exist.

This isn’t healthy and it isn’t sustainable. You become like a psychological grenade, just waiting to explode or implode. This can manifest as either or both physical issues and mental struggles.

Many victims of covert narcissistic abuse think that they are managing the situation really well by keeping their thoughts and feelings to themselves. Swallowing their own feelings, they stay silent. Anything else is too risky. Yes, this is a timebomb waiting to go off. And it doesn’t do our kids any favors.

Exercise for Emotional Expression

So how do we express our emotions in healthy ways? Write down each of the main emotions, happy, sad, angry, fearful. Under each one, write a few ways to express that emotion. 

Happy

• Sing and dance

• Go for a walk

• Call a friend

Sad

• Curl up in bed with a stuffed animal

• Hold you dog or cat

• Have a good cry

Angry

• Go outside and let out a scream

• Hit your pillow or a workout bag

• Go for a run

• Spend time alone

Fearful

• Call a friend and tell them about your fear

• Listen to comforting music

• Pray or meditate

As you get better at this, start including the more refined emotions, such as anxious, busy, vulnerable, or distant. Do this same activity with your kid. Help them make their own list. It can and should be different from yours. There are no right or wrong answers here. Learning to express your own emotions is an individual journey. Even for our young ones. Encourage them to be creative.

Healthy Expression of your emotions

Healthy expression of your emotions does not always come out calm and peaceful. It isn’t always controlled and mature. Sometimes it needs to be explosive and seemingly out of control. This is healthy, but must be done in a way that doesn’t stomp all over those around us. For example, you may have a strong emotional reaction to your child not being ready to walk out the door on time. You are so frustrated with this repeated offense, and you just want to get moving. You don’t start screaming at them, threatening them, grabbing them. You might tell them to meet you in the car, walk out ahead of them, get in the car, and let out a frustrated scream alone. You aren’t losing your mind. You aren’t going crazy. It is okay for you to have an emotional response to the situation. You don’t have to be stoic and unreactive, showing extreme patience, chasing away your own feelings. Instead, acknowledge how you feel, name it, express it, feel it and process it.

There is nothing easy about this walk, especially when you are in a narcissistic relationship. But you can do this! It gets easier too, the more you do it. Especially when you begin to see and feel the benefits. Reconnecting your head and heart back together is a significant part of the recovery from cognitive dissonance. Your heart already has its feelings. Help your mind to get on board with it. I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing.

How to Turn the Table on a Narcissist

This is one extremely effective tactic for when you are forced to communicate with a narcissist in your life.

Narcissists absolutely hate for the other person to be right. Especially if that person is a spouse, significant other, parent or child.

They will disagree with you simply for the sake of disagreeing. Their immediate reaction to most of what you say is to tell you that you are wrong. Then they will explain their own point of view, saying the exact same thing you did. If you try to tell them that is the same as what you said, they will adamantly deny that and explain their point of view all over again. They will put words in your mouth, saying, “No, you said….” Those words will often not be anything like what you said. If you confront them on this, they often have a standard cop-out, “Well, I don’t remember exactly word for word, but it was something like that.” Their insistence of explaining how they were right and your were wrong is never-ending. You will go in infinite circles around and around. You will get absolutely nowhere!

When a narcissist does occasionally find themselves in a place where the other person is right, they absolutely will not admit it. They cannot simply say, “Hey, you are right” or “I never thought of it like that.” They may actually get to a point that they admit you are right, but only in a back-handed way. They will make it very clear that what you are saying is stuff they already knew. Their knowledge must be greater, faster and stronger. You will hear things such as,

• “I know! I had that thought a week ago. Glad you caught up.”

• “You’re right, you must have been listening to me.”

• “I knew that was the case.”

• “I already know that, and I’ll take it a step further….”

A simple “Hey, you have a good point there,” is not within their capabilities. It threatens their ego too much. For that tiny instant, they would feel inferior to you. To admit that you are right means, internally, they have to admit that they were wrong. There simply is no in-between ground. Don’t forget, for them, this isn’t conversation. It’s combat! Every interaction has a winner and a loser, and they must be the winner, no matter how insignificant the conversation really is.

So what do you do if you are in such a relationship and you can’t walk away, at least not yet? How do you avoid these combative interactions and their narcissistic rage?

One very effective tactic is to beat them at their own game. Anticipate their irrational reactions before they happen and call them out on it ahead of time. Use their own desire to always be right and to always prove you wrong against them. 

Let me explain. Let’s say you know you have a tough conversation coming with your narcissist. Before the conversation even starts, simply say, “Now I know you are going to react hard to this, but I need to tell you…..” Then tell them. Their own burning desire to prove you wrong will keep their reaction in check. If they blow up now, then you will be right, and they CANNOT allow that to happen.

Some examples of these pre-emptive statements:

• I know you are not going to like this, but ……

• I know you are going to get mad, but …...

• I know this is going to set you off, but …….

As soon as the words “I know” come out of your mouth, their mind is already triggered to prove you wrong.

Yes this is a bit manipulative and purely intentional. But it is also a way of self-protection. Often, we still are caught in interactions with these narcissists. Maybe you have kids together and are co-parenting, otherwise known as counter parenting. Maybe you simply aren’t out of the relationship yet. Maybe it’s your parent, and you don’t want to completely cut ties. If you must keep interacting with them, then you should start finding ways to do it without losing your own mind.

Whatever the circumstances, use this tactic and watch them nearly bite their tongue in half just to prove you wrong! Enjoy it!

Setting Boundaries in Toxic Relationships

Setting boundaries is a skill that you must develop when dealing with a narcissist! It is a skill you need to have anyways, but the need for it is more prominent in toxic relationships.

Narcissists and other toxic personalities will take extreme advantage of anyone who shows the smallest sign of weakness in their boundaries.

What type of boundaries am I talking about?

• Having space to safely express your own thoughts and feelings

• Being able to disagree without major issues

• Being free to go visit with a friend or family if you want

• Not feeling obligated to explain yourself or defend yourself on everything

• Feeling comfortable expressing your own likes and dislikes, and pursuing them

To build the skills of boundary setting, don't start with the hardest person you have in your life. Do not start by trying to set boundaries with your toxic partner or toxic parent. Because our boundaries are being obliterated by that toxic person, this person is our focus. We begin our journey by trying to establish boundaries with him/her. This is the same as a brand new driver choosing to start learning by jumping on a high-speed interstate at night in the rain. The safer approach is to learn to drive on lower speed roads in daylight and good weather.

So start building your boundary skills in easier scenarios and more cooperative relationships first. Express your thoughts and feelings with your friends, family and co-workers, even if you believe they will disagree. It is okay to disagree and still be good. Give voice to your own likes and dislikes whether others agree or not. Let go of that feeling that you have to explain yourself or defend yourself. You do not! You are simply allowed to have opinions and preferences.

As you become more skilled in boundary setting and self-expressing, you will feel more confident in doing this with the narcissists in your life! Be patient with yourself as you go. Learning new skills takes time and effort.

To learn more about how to help your kids set boundaries, watch the Q&A video with Renee Swanson here.

Check out her book Parenting with a Toxic Partner here. Get 3 free bonuses when you purchase the ebook. If you buy the paperback on Amazon, let her know at renee@covertnarcissism.com. She will send you the free bonuses if you submit a screenshot of your receipt.

Two Simple and Effective Tools for Healing the Pain of Narcissistic Abuse

Do you feel that narcissism is everywhere? The red flags of narcissistic abuse are all around us. Even the very word “narcissism” is plastered all over the internet. We are seeing the effects of the abuse in ourselves, our kids, other family members, our friends, and so on. Even our pets  feel the power of the negativity in the home.

Okay, so now we see the abuse. We feel the pain. Now what? I am often asked, “How do we heal?” If we cannot heal, there is a strong chance that we will walk right back into another abusive relationship. The cycle is incredibly powerful and has so very many people trapped. I hear so many victims say, “How could I have let it happen to me again?!?”

The key is in our healing. Without healing, we remain victims, and victims continue to get caught and trapped.

In my own personal healing process, I have found two very effective tools for processing the deep emotions and generating the power of healing. I call the two tools Emotional Burn and Imagination Burst. They go hand-in-hand and work extremely well with each other.

Emotional Burn

It is very important that you do this step in a safe and peaceful environment. I do this in my own bedroom. I turn on some calm and quiet music. I turn on my salt lamp and essential oils diffuser. Lavender oil is amazing for a peaceful environment. I sit with my favorite meditation pillow. I create a safe space, a sanctuary.

If you prefer to use an outdoor safe space, that works great as well. I like to sit amongst our magnolia trees in our backyard, listening to the cardinals sing, and feeling the warmth of the sunshine. Do not underestimate the power of your surroundings. Use them to help soothe your emotions.

Once you have created a safe environment for yourself, take a specific memory that is weighing heavy on your heart. One that still causes your stomach to drop. One that causes all of your insides to scream. I found it helpful to have previously created a list of these suffocating memories. Allow yourself to feel the intense and horrible feelings that go with that memory. Give yourself permission to feel the pain, the anger, the hurt, the anxiety, the despair. These are NORMAL reactions to what you have experienced, to the way you were treated. Tell yourself that it is okay that you felt, and perhaps still feel, this way. Allow those feelings to burn.

Picture a candle. Some candles are bigger than others. But no matter how big the candle is, someday it will run out of wick and no longer have the ability to burn. Your pain from these stubborn memories is the same way. Some have longer wicks than others. But over time, they all will burn out. If you never light a candle though, it will not burn out. If you don’t light your own internal candle, these feelings will never burn away. They will remain locked inside you, and I promise they will affect you and your future relationships. You have to allow them to burn in order for them to fade away.

I want to re-emphasize that you should do this exercise in a safe environment where you have the space needed to let the feelings out. It is best for me to do this alone in my own home, where I can feel safe with intense emotions. If embracing those memories alone is too overwhelming for you, that’s okay. Do this exercise with a trusted loved one or a therapist. Even a loving pet can be the therapeutic support you need. Over time, you will get emotionally stronger.

Knowing the Purpose of the Pain

When we place our hand on a hot burner, a seething pain shoots through our body. That pain serves a very important purpose. If we ignore it, we will be badly injured. Pain protects us and keeps us safe. It is not a bad thing, but is rather extremely useful to us. It causes us to quickly remove our hand, before thought even happens. Without that pain, we would leave our hand there not realizing that it was burning.

The same is true with emotional pain. It is not a bad thing. Without it, we lose ourselves, our soul, our identity, our genuineness. The pain is what tells us that something is truly wrong. It tells us that we need to pay attention and remove ourselves from the situation. Embrace that pain and allow it to communicate with you. It is in that pain that you will find yourself again.

Imagination Burst

The other extremely useful tool is Imagination Burst. Your own imagination is very effective in dealing with all the pain. The approach of this tool may seem contradictory to the Emotional Burn. It definitely is not though! You see, if you stay with those intense emotions burning all the time, you will exhaust yourself and go crazy. You simply cannot maintain that emotional burn for long-term. You need to purposefully take a break from it. This is that break!

I want you to use your imagination and imagine what it would be like if none of that abuse actually happened to you. Imagine who you would be right now if you had not gone through all of this. What would you be doing? What would you be thinking? Who would you be? How would you be spending your time and energy?

Do not confuse this with trying to live in denial. You are not trying to convince yourself that none of the abuse happened. You know without a doubt all the abuse that you have suffered. This is using your imagination to your advantage, to push you to better places. It is consciously taking a break from all the hard work of processing the emotions and looking at your life outside of them. Yes do the work, but you must allow your heart and mind to rest and enjoy who you are.

Create a Cycle

Both the Emotional Burn and the Imagination Burst are needed in the healing process. Get into a cycle of using both tools. There is no one right way to use these. So experiment with them. I will share my favorite way to use them.

The two tools complement each other extremely well. As you do the work of the Emotional Burn, the Imagination Burst will give you more of a picture of who you want to be as the hard work pays off. Rather than doing the Emotional Burn with no direction, this gives you a target, a goal, inspiration, and hope. It helps you to see that you will make it through this, and there is life and happiness after emotional abuse!

A Night-time Routine

Every night before I go to bed, I use both of these tools. I create the environment I mentioned earlier with peaceful music, a salt lamp, essential oils and a meditation pillow. Sometimes I even light a candle. Get creative with your environment and find what works for you.

After creating your safe space, start with the Emotional Burn. Take one of the memories that weighs heavy on your heart. Bring it fully to mind, remembering what happened, what was said, what you thought, and how you felt. As you stay with this memory, notice how you feel. Some of these feelings are crazy powerful and overwhelming. That’s okay. Remind yourself that you are in this safe environment. When you feel overwhelmed, take a moment and notice what you hear, see and smell. Listen to the music or the birds, see the peaceful salt lamp or the warm sunshine, smell the essential oils or fresh air. Remember you are safe.

Continue with the Emotional Burn. Remind yourself often that these are normal emotional reactions to a horrible situation. Give yourself permission to feel this way. If you need to cry, then cry. If you need to scream, then scream. If you need to just sit and shake, then sit and shake. Remember that it is okay and that you are safe. Allow this process to continue until you feel some of the power of those emotions die away. Watch them go up in smoke and simply let them go.

When you feel it is time, shift to Imagination Burst. Imagine what life would be like if this particular event had not happened. Remember you are not trying to convince yourself that it did not happen. You are just imagining the what-if. Embrace the feelings that come from the relief. Give yourself permission to enjoy these feelings. Allow these feelings to replace the painful feelings that just went up in smoke. The peacefulness is very welcome and appreciated. Think of it as a reward for the hard work of the Emotional Burn. Enjoy the reward!

Experiment with these two tools and find some ways to make them work for you. The Emotional Burn can be quite intense, so I think it is best to follow it with an activity that brings you back to a happier place. This is why I found it useful to go straight into Imagination Burst, but you can space them out more if you want.

Other things you could use to follow the Emotional Burn are cuddling with a pet, going for a walk, spending time with a good friend, reading a good book, gardening, a bubble bath, other forms of meditation. Purposefully plan to follow it up with something that is healing to your soul.

The Imagination Burst can be used anytime and does not need to be only in a safe environment. I have found it to be very effective when I also use it for a few minutes in the morning. It is an extremely inspiring way to start the day!

This is Your Healing

True healing can only come from within you. NO ONE can do it for you. Those close to you can love you and support you, but they cannot do any of this for you. This is your journey! Embrace it. Allow it to make you stronger, freer, and happier. Remember, you are stronger than you think you are!

Know that you are not alone. Thousands and more are making this same journey with you. Too many endure the pain alone. They hide in fear. Slowly our world is becoming a safer place for our voices to be heard. Our world is waking up to the suffering we have endured. Yes you have to do the work for yourself, but you no longer have to suffer alone!

How the Covert Narcissist Plays Rejection, Abandonment, and Abuse

My marriage lasted almost 21 years. For most of these years, I convinced myself and the world that I had the perfect marriage. We were simply great together. There was no other option available. The mind is powerful and can do amazing things. I truly believed that it was a match made in heaven and that he was perfect for me.

Sure he spoke harsh from time to time, but everyone is allowed a bad day here and there. He treated others with coldness and meanness, but not me. He was distant from others, but not from me. There always seemed to be a reason for his sharpness, so it was okay. Besides we had some really good days in between these outbursts. So I swept it under the rug every time and continued to believe that our marriage was great and wonderful.

Ever so slowly, my eyes started opening. The pressure deep in my own heart started pushing through into my awareness. Tiny cracks in my thinking allowed for tiny glimpses of truth to seep in. Questions started to form in my mind. Why is he talking to me this way? Why do I feel so beaten down and anxious? Why are our boys afraid of talking to him? Is all this normal? Is this my imagination? Thus started an unbelievable journey of discovery.

I still remember so well the first day I heard the word narcissism. I was in complete disagreement, disbelief, and denial. I still believed that I could fix all this and that much of it was my fault anyways. Now, years later, I have a much greater understanding. There is so much I didn’t see and didn’t understand at the time. Even now, layers of it are still becoming more clear.

Though I didn’t know it, I was trapped in a situation of rejection, abandonment and abuse. I didn’t see it because it wasn’t the standard scenarios that often go with these words. With covert narcissists, the mistreatment and abuse are so masterfully hidden that it takes years to see, if one sees it at all. This isn’t the aggressive rejection of yelling “I hate you” or kicking you out of the house. This isn’t the obvious abandonment of running off with another woman or disappearing for days and weeks. This isn’t the apparent abuse of physical beatings and rages full of swear words and threats.

This type of rejection, abandonment, and abuse is completely hidden. My situation was so expertly covered, and I fell for it completely! Let me paint the picture for you.

Rejection

He told me all the time that I was too good for him. He told me that he loved me so much and that he wanted me to be happy. And yet he often spoke so sharply and harshly in day-to-day living! He shut down conversations with aggressive abruptness. He gave such short and sharp answers that conversation was often completely impossible. For years, I never felt safe in normal conversations with him. I felt guarded and on high alert. He continuously created an environment that was emotionally unsafe.

I remember one summer day that I was out all day with our boys while he was at work. We returned home before him. When he came home from work, I was happy to tell him how our day had been. After all, he had been complaining lately that I don’t talk with him enough and make him feel like part of the family. So when he sat down on the couch, I sat with him and began telling him about our day. He pulled out his phone and started playing a game. I was beginning to tell him a funny story about something his oldest son had done that day. I was only a couple of sentences into the story. While I was in mid-sentence, he sharply yelled, “OKAY!” at me. So I stopped and walked away, feeling completely rejected. I did not say another word about our day, and he never said a word about that interaction.

I left many of our conversations feeling extremely rejected. He would often cut me off, clearly not wanting to hear what I was saying. Other times, he would nod emphatically, with this air about him that says, “I already know this, so why are you wasting my time?” He would even interrupt me to strongly say, “I know,” or “I get it.” It always felt like a crime to talk with him about something he already knew. And since he always came across as already knowing everything, he never made me feel welcome talking to him. This was happening on a daily basis. When you are rejected in this way so regularly, you feel completely rejected in the relationship. This is not how you build a healthy marriage.

Abandonment

I would never have said that abandonment was a concern for me. I never felt like he was going to run away with another woman. I knew that he would always be home in the evenings and on the weekends. But then I realized that there was a different type of abandonment going on.

In my marriage, abandonment came within the home itself. He completely isolated himself constantly. He lost himself in video games and movies for hours on end. This was every evening after work, every weekend, every holiday, every vacation, no matter where we were or who we were with. This happened whether we were alone just the two of us or at social events with our friends and family. It didn’t matter whether we were on the Oregon Coast visiting his own mother, having Christmas activities with my family, or in Paris on a family vacation. This was on the beach, in the hotel rooms, in the restaurants, and even on a beautiful dinner cruise in downtown Paris on the Seine River. He disengaged from our lives. He checked out completely again and again and again!

At the age of 15, our oldest son spent three weeks in France. When we picked him up at the airport, we learned that his luggage missed the flight. We had to wait one hour for it to arrive. So we found a quiet corner where we could sit and chat. I was so eager to hear all about his trip, and he was eager to tell us. Within the first five minutes of our son telling us about his excursions, my husband got up, pulled out his phone, and walked away. We didn’t see him for the next 45 minutes. No explanation, no interaction, just abandonment. To this day, he has still never heard about all the exciting things our son did on that trip. This is rejection and abandonment and happened so many times throughout the years.

Abuse

Now, I have painted a brief picture of what our marriage was like. I could give you so many examples of the rejection and abandonment that my boys and I experienced. Early in our marriage, it only happened occasionally. As the years went by though, it became a daily part of our lives.

Now add on top of this one huge element! He repeatedly told me that EVERYTHING was always my fault!! It was my fault that we didn’t communicate well. It was my fault that we were distant and struggling. It was my fault that I was anxious and upset. It was my fault that he didn’t have a relationship with me. It was my fault that he didn’t have a relationship with our boys. It was my fault that he went into hiding and checked out. It was my fault that he was unable to communicate well. It was my fault that he didn’t feel respected or loved. It was ALL my fault, and ALL my job to fix.

He continuously made me feel guilty and responsible. For many years, I fell for this. I thought it was all my fault. I remember one day when I was eating lunch with a friend. I opened up to her about how I was feeling in the marriage. I told her about the excessive gaming that my husband was doing and how frustrated I was about it. I remember saying to her, “Now, I know that it is my fault that he games so much….” She immediately interrupted me, “Wait a minute! How in the world is this your fault?” She was genuinely shocked at my statement. I responded, “Well, I don’t know. I must not have fussed at him hard enough. I should have pitched a bigger fit about it.” She laughed in disbelief, “Do you hear what you are saying? He’s a grown man. His choices are not your fault!”

At the time, I certainly did not realize the absurdity here. I did not see how messed up my own thinking had become. I actually did think that his addiction to gaming was my fault and that I should have been able to stop it. I believed this even though I had tried for years to get him off his games. He completely shut me down every time. Yet somehow, I still managed to believe that it was my fault.

Another example is that I thought for years that it was my job to make sure he had a good relationship with his boys. I used to wear my brain out trying to come up with things he could do with them. Then when I did come up with ideas, he brought so much negativity into the activity that it was a disaster. So now I also had to figure out how to keep him from being so negative while he was with them. I had become convinced that this was my duty and responsibility. But it was impossible! So as his relationship with our boys deteriorated, I felt more and more like a failure.

Refuse the Craziness!

He made everything impossible, and yet expected me to fix it all. Then when I couldn’t do it, he blamed me for everything! This is absolutely psychological abuse and will drive you to insanity!

• HE made conversations so incredibly difficult and told me it was all my fault that we didn’t talk.

• HE created fear in everyone and blamed me that he couldn’t communicate with anyone.

• HE checked out of the lives of his boys and told me that I destroyed his relationship with them.

• HE did not engage in our world and blamed me for the distance.

• HE isolated himself and blamed me that he had no friends.

• HE chose his own actions and yet made me feel guilty for them.

Now that I see it with open eyes, I can finally let go of all the guilt and blame. It was NOT my fault! I did not choose for him to be sharp and cold. I did not choose for him to shut down conversations. I did not choose for him to create environments where no one felt emotionally safe. I did not choose for him to check out and hide in his games and movies. I did not choose for him to abandon his family. These were his choices!!

But now, I did choose to walk away! I will not accept the blame anymore for an environment that he creates. I choose to treat people with love and compassion. I choose to create an atmosphere of openness and freedom. I choose to welcome others into my life with open arms. I choose to establish an environment of peace!

From Victim to Survivor to Victor

When you are dealing with a covert narcissist, it is so incredibly hard to see the abuse, especially at first. You may know that something is wrong in the relationship, but you are just as likely to blame yourself as you are to blame your partner. In fact, you are probably more likely to blame yourself. I think all of us begin in denial.

The Denial

“I’m not being abused. This doesn’t apply to my relationship. He’s just…… or she’s just…….” Fill in the blank. Tired, cranky, busy, angry, not feeling well, socially awkward, recovering from an abused childhood, and so on. How many years can these excuses go on? For me, it was 17 years. For others, I have heard as many as 45 years. Excuse after excuse after excuse. At some point, I started to realize that the “He’s just….” was not an excuse but rather a definition of who he was.

If I’m always making excuses for him because he is cranky that day, but it’s every day, at some point I have to realize that cranky is just who he is. That “recovering from an abused childhood” becomes an excuse and a crutch when it explains their bad behavior for years and years. He is never going to get better. He likes his crutches and hides behind them.

The Victim

So the fog started to clear from my mind. I felt like a beaten down puppy, living with a justified owner who could talk to me anyway he pleased without a care in the world. The denial went away, and I ran head first into the realization that I was a victim! It took one visit to a therapist to really get me to see it for myself.

“OH, $^*&^%*&^*&!!! What is really going on here?!?” This realization was incredibly painful! I thought he loved me. I committed my life to him. I thought we were teammates, facing the battles of life together.

As quickly as the clarity came, it would also disappear just as fast. One minute the abuse was clear in my mind. I could see it. I could explain it. But the next minute, it vanished into thin air. I couldn’t grasp it anymore. I couldn’t explain it. Instead I doubted myself and blamed myself, for the millionth time.

But I continued pondering, watching his attitude, listening to his words, observing my feelings and reactions. He was the reason that I felt beat down and insecure. He was the reason my anxiety level and exhaustion were so high. At this point, I found myself all over the board emotionally. I rotated between disbelief, resistance, despair, grief, denial, anger, even rage. This was the roller coaster from hell!

At this point, the need for external validation is incredibly strong! You have received practically no validation from your partner or anyone else up to now. Many victims, including myself, will desperately try to get their partner to see how they are treating them. You want them, so badly, to see the abuse they are dishing out for what it is. Maybe this is in hopes that they will change. Maybe it is because you want them, just once, to finally feel bad about it.

In this stage, anger is strong in the victim. They vent to anyone who will listen. The desire to expose the abuse is huge. Revenge is screaming at their heart. “Look at what they did to me! This isn’t right! It isn’t fair! Look how much it has hurt my children!” Daily, you gather more evidence and more examples of the abuse. You want to scream this from the rooftop!

A problem arises though, your friends and family don’t see it. They don’t understand what you are saying. They don’t agree that you have been abused. They tell you that you are over-reacting or being petty. This is incredibly painful!!! A harder hit than some of the abuse itself. Despair and self-doubt replace the anger.

What do I do now??

The Survivor

The second phase is that of the survivor. When does it hit? It hits when you run out of fuel in the victim phase, when you just have no energy left and can’t take it anymore. This is when you fully realize that they are never going to get it and you stop trying to explain it to them or change them.

Everyone stays in the first phase of being a victim for different lengths of time. How long you stay is based on various factors:

• Your own awareness of the abuse

• Length and intensity of the relationship

• If you have kids with them and the age of the kids

• How hooked you were by their love-bombing

• The extent of your own support group

• How secure or scared you feel about leaving

• How determined you are to change them

• Your willingness or unwillingness to accept that they will never get it and move on

• Your willingness to stand up for yourself

None of these things make you a bad person or the one responsible for the break-down of the relationship. They do however play a huge role in determining the amount of time you remain hooked in the narcissistic relationship. Some people run for their lives early in the relationship, maybe one year in and before marriage or kids. Others, however, remain for decades, as many as 40 or 50 years.

For me, the survivor phase hit when my energy tanked out. I had nothing left inside me. My fuel tank was empty, and I hit rock bottom. I no longer had any desire left to try to explain anything to him. I had tried so hard, and he combatted everything I said, all the time. I was done!

At this point, I realized that this was having a huge effect on my physical health and mental and emotional well-being. So survivor mode kicked in. It was time to quit trying to help him and instead to focus on helping myself. I became completely indifferent to him. I no longer cared what he thought or said. I no longer reacted to his attempts at baiting me. I no longer wanted revenge, as this just kept me trapped in his web. I just wanted out. I later discovered that this is called going Grey Rock. I didn’t know it had a name until much later. For more on grey rock, read my recent post When I told my Covert Narcissist that I was Done

One other gigantic step to move from victim to survivor is to quit gathering evidence of the abuse! This is extremely necessary. Yes, in the beginning, you need to gather the evidence. You need to prove to yourself that you aren’t crazy and that he/she is abusing you. You need to get clarity in why you feel the way you do. But at some point, in order to move forward in your own healing, you have to stop gathering evidence. You need to trust what you have learned and close your case. You must be able to say, “Now, the prosecution rests.”

The realization that they are never going to get it is a tough one, but also a very freeing one. You no longer feel responsible to be the one to show them. It wasn’t my job anymore. I can’t change him, but I can change me. So I started taking steps toward moving one. Everyday I simply did the next right thing, whatever that was. Sometimes they were small things and sometimes they were huge things.

It is easy to get stuck in the victim phase. Move on!! You have much better ways to spend your time and energy. You have other things to think about and do. You have other people that need you in their life. Your thoughts and feelings do matter in this world. They don’t matter to your narcissist. So staying in the victim role, still battling with him/her, will keep you feeling like you don’t matter. You will continue to desperately try to prove that you do. There is life outside of narcissism. Start taking care of you and your family because you deserve it.

The Victor

The Victor phase is amazing!! This is a phase of empowerment and growth. You have truly moved on in life and no longer think about this narcissist thing.

How do you know when you have reached this phase?

• When you no longer wake up every morning with him/her on your mind.

• When the constant internal arguments are gone.

• When you all of a sudden realize that you haven’t thought about him/her in a long time.

• When you realize that you carry positive energy for a change.

Please know that it is impossible to get entirely to the phase of victor if you cannot get him/her completely out of your head. If you are still seeking revenge, you won’t get there. If you are still holding on to the anger, you won’t get there. If you are still checking their social media, you won’t get there. Unfortunately, if you are still raising kids together, you won’t get there….not entirely….not yet.

If you are not quite to this phase yet and want to be, you might ask yourself these questions.

• What would I be thinking about if I wasn’t thinking about him/her and all this narcissistic garbage?

• What would I be doing with my day if he/she had never been a part of it?

• What would I be researching on the internet if I wasn’t googling narcissism, emotional abuse, unhappy marriage, etc?

Find a few things in life that you really enjoy, things that make you feel happy and satisfied. Think about these things. Ponder them and explore them. Learn more about them. Make them a hobby and use them to begin to occupy that time you are trying to fill with other things. Learn about the resources out there. Find others who share this interest. What kind of things? you might ask. I don’t know where to start. Here are a few suggestions: dancing, nature, reading, music, sports, cultural history, photography, a new language. There are so many wonderful options out there.

In this process, pay close attention to your thoughts. They will try to wonder back to all the garbage of your past, especially at first. Don’t sweat that too much. It is that way for everyone. Just be aware of it and purposefully shift your thoughts back to your new positive things to ponder. There are a ton a great resources out there on mindfulness. To get started, check out my Resources page. Give yourself permission to move on and enjoy life once again.

There is life after narcissism!!