Covert Narcissists are Adult Bullies

Bullying is NOT a kid’s problem. Someone recently said to me that we deal with bullies in our childhood. Teen years, there may be a few bullies here and there, but not really. By adulthood, we are past all that kid stuff. Well, this got me to thinking. Are we really past all the bullying behavior in adulthood? I sure don’t feel like we are.

So I looked up the definition of bullying. Bullying is the use of force, coercion, hurtful teasing or threat, to abuse, aggressively dominate or intimidate. The behavior is often repeated and habitual. One essential prerequisite is the perception of an imbalance of physical or social power. This imbalance distinguishes bullying from conflict. This screams covert narcissism.

Bullying Amongst Children

We talk about bullying when it comes to our kids. Schools are adamant that it has to get stopped. Rules and regulations exist to help with this. Yet when we talk about this behavior within our marriage, people blow it off. They don’t take it seriously. They don’t believe us, or they tell us it’s no big deal. This includes attorneys and mediators. Courts tell us we can’t even talk about it. 

Imagine bullying happening in a school and the principal of the school tells the student that they can’t talk about the bullying behavior. What if the principal told the victim of bullying that you can’t use words like “teasing” or “ridiculing?” It would be impossible for this victim then to truly explain what is happening. 

The American Psychological Association defines bullying as a form of aggressive behavior in which someone intentionally and repeatedly causes another person injury or discomfort. Bullying can take the form of physical contact, words, or more subtle actions.

In other words, it does not have to be a physical strike in order to be defined as bullying. Words absolutely count and more subtle actions beyond that.

Teasing and name-calling is bullying.

Teasing can be what the world would call petty, trivial, or small. It might be a small joke at your expense. But if you do not want to be teased, then the behavior should stop!

It doesn’t matter whether the teasing is “in fun” or not. It doesn’t matter whether the words or  name they are calling you is crude or not.

If someone does not wish to be called that name, then the behavior should stop.

If you do not wish to be joked with in this way, then the behavior should stop.

When that boundary is not honored or respected, this is a form of bullying. Covert narcissists do not honor boundaries. When you have voiced your boundary, and the other person refuses to honor it or makes fun of you for having it, this is bullying. This is an intentional choice to cause you discomfort and emotional, mental, psychological injury.

Golden Rule and covert narcissism

Let’s talk about the Golden Rule for a minute here. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

This can seem like a good model to follow, and it can be. But it can also create some problems.

If I want to be treated with respect and have my boundaries honored, then this should certainly go both ways. I should respect others and honor their boundaries. But they get to decide what those boundaries are for themselves. I don’t.

My boundaries may not work for them. If I want to be teased and called names in jest, and thus conclude that I have the “right” to do this to others whether they want it or not, then this is a misuse of that golden rule. It is not okay.

So a covert narcissist that continues calling you a name because they don’t think it is a big deal, this is a form of bullying. If your name of choice is Mary Elizabeth, and they keep calling them Beth, and you have asked you to stop, their refusal to stop is mean, disrespectful, and bullying. They don’t think it is a big deal because to them it isn’t. But to you it is, and they don’t have to understand why. 

A covert narcissistic person that plays only by their own rules will decide that you are making a big deal out of nothing and that it is still okay for them to call you Beth. “What’s the harm? Why is it such a big deal? What’s wrong with you?”

Now the covert narcissist might like being called nicknames, so they continue doing this with you. The Golden Rule does not help here if it is being thought of on a shallow and superficial level. I like being called names, so I have the right to do this to others. This is imposing my own boundaries onto others.

I don’t care if the name they wish to call you is “Pumpkin,” and they think it is endearing, if you do not like it and ask them to stop, then they should stop. Each of us is allowed to decide what our own boundaries for ourselves are.

So instead of “do unto others as I want to be treated, maybe the Golden Rule should say, “Do unto others as they want to be treated.”

Public teasing

Public teasing is a very controlling form of bullying. You, as the victim of it, are trapped. If you react or speak out, it makes everyone there uncomfortable. You know that if you react, the narcissist will compound the situation. They may roll their eyes, make rude facial expressions, and ridicule their victims by mimicking or more teasing.

Those around you might try to laugh it off, in an attempt to settle the situation or to keep peace with the narcissist. One of the rules about narcissism is that the meanest one in the room gets to make the rules. The loudest one, the most vocal one, the one that makes everyone else the most uncomfortable, so everyone works to keep them content, and it comes at your expense. This is incredibly isolating in a situation where you already feel extremely isolated.

smear campaigns is bullying

Another bullying behavior is spreading rumors about someone or intentionally embarrassing someone in a public setting. Ever hear of a smear campaign?

A narcissistic smear campaign is when the narcissist attempts to discredit their target by spreading lies about them, exaggerating their faults or weaknesses, and turning others in the family and circle of friends against them. It can include discrediting them as a parent and turning the kids against them.

Covert narcissists work to control the narrative. They tell the story they want to tell, no matter how far it may be from the truth. Things get exaggerated, blown out of proportion, and taken out of context. Parts of the story get embellished, with just enough trust to confuse those listening. When a narcissist has lost control over their target, the smear campaign is often soon to follow. They are re-establishing their sense of control by working to destroy your reputation and the way others see you.

This bullying behavior works to isolate you from your support network. Your family and friends may believe the narrative of the covert narcissist and in essence turn against you. Or at the very least doubt you. Maybe they don’t entirely buy it, but it may cause them to pull back from you in order to avoid the drama. At a time when you need their support the most, the bully in your life uses their manipulative tactics to push your support away from you.

Another element of the smear campaign is that the narcissist can often play it so that they  come out looking good. They tell their narrative under the guise of “just being concerned.” They will say things such as, “I’m just letting you know this because I really care.” Their supposed concern for you causes them to reach out to your family and friends “just trying to help.” But in these conversations, they air out everything you have ever done or said, out of context, with embellishments, making you look crazy, while they look like the concerned partner. You can see how this influences the perspectives of family and friends, causing them to doubt you and to pull away.

sexual forms of bullying

Other forms of bullying include inappropriate sexual comments and gestures. Just because this is your spouse or partner does not give them the right to make sexual comments that you don’t like. They might try to claim that right. They might even want you to treat them this way. But that goes back to what I was saying about the golden rule. 

A narcissist’s view of the golden rule is to treat you the way they want to be treated. So because they like the crude sexual comments and gestures, they have a right to treat you this way and in fact to demand it in return.

My view of the golden rule is to respect someone the way I want to be respected. I want my boundaries honored, and I want to honor their boundaries. They get the right to define their own boundaries, just like I get the right to define mine. It’s going to look different for them, so if this is someone I care about, I want to learn what respect looks like for them, and I hope that they will do the same for me.

Power imbalance

The last piece of the definition from the American Psychological Association that I would like to address is “One essential requirement for something to be labeled as bullying - the perception of an imbalance of physical or social power. This imbalance distinguishes bullying from conflict.”

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention includes this language in their definition too. They talk about the behavior involving an observed or perceived power imbalance and is repeated multiple times or is highly likely to be repeated.”

There are some clear power imbalances that happen in life that are worth mentioning here

• Being physically stronger and thus able to hurt the other person

• Having more money than the other person

• Having a higher social status or a stronger social network, and having the ability to turn others against the other person and to create their own tribe

• Having more support from family and friends, outnumbering the other person (“they think you are to blame too”)

• Having the assertiveness and confidence to initiate the behavior of making fun of the other person or engage in sophisticated, subtle forms of manipulation, simply willing to do it

• Having access to embarrassing or private information

covert narcissism is not a gender issue

Whether you are dealing with a narcissist male or female, the potential for the power imbalance exists. All of these factors play into this relationship. 

If you are dealing with a narcissistic parent, mom or dad, the parent/child relationship is another power imbalance that gets used against you. “I’m the mom, so you must listen to me. Clearly I know best.” Same is true of the narcissistic dad

These power imbalances come into narcissistic relationships of all sorts. Siblings, friends, coworkers, and spouses or significant others. The gender doesn’t matter!  It isn’t about the gender, it is about the attitude behind their behaviors. The presumptions that they are more superior, more deserving, more special, more put-together, more confident, more worthy than you are of anything, more in control. These definitions call it a perceived power imbalance. It does NOT make it a reality. It is a perception. When you are living with a covert narcissist, it is incredibly easy to perceive that you are inferior to them. Not as smart, not as good, not as strong. They are so good at manipulating these perceptions against you.

In my eyes, narcissism is adult bullying. We have rules and laws in place against bullying, so we need rules and laws to apply to adult relationships too. This needs to be understood as bullying, with detrimental impacts on the victims, even adult victims. I am calling for courts and attorneys to hear this. It is time to stop the bullying! It is time to stop letting the bullies win!

I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing!

His trauma became our trauma

Imagine a 7 year old child that has a Dad for a bully. He yells and rages, intimidating everyone. His demands are exceptional with no room for mistakes. When asked a question, you have to carefully choose your words. Working hard to not upset him. If you answer the “wrong” way, he blows up at you and maybe even strikes you. You are always worried about upsetting him. Talking to him is not safe.

Mom is a peacemaker, trying hard to tiptoe around dad and keep everyone happy. She runs interference as much as she can between you and your dad. Thus, Dad’s anger is often directed at her. He pushes her, hits her, and even throws her against a wall. This is not an environment that promotes a feeling of safety. Even if this only happens once in a while, that feeling of safety will not coexist with this.

Going to bed at night is not safe. Their arguments in the middle of the night shock you out of a deep sleep. You are startled by the yelling and slamming of doors. You try to hide under your covers and drown out the sound with your pillow, but this does not work. Then, in the wee hours of the morning, dad drags you out of bed and forces you to pick who is right. Forcibly standing you between himself and mom, he demands an answer from you. 

“Mom said this…I think that…Who is right?” The silence is deafening! All you can hear is your heart pounding out of your chest. Your mind is spinning in a thousand directions. How many answers can you consider in a moment’s span of time? You clearly don’t feel safe and you shouldn’t. Your feelings are quite valid.

The Effects of dealing with Trauma

Trauma causes people to make changes in the way they interact with their world. Safety is a perception. When we experience trauma, our system will work hard to re-establish a perceived sense of safety. What behaviors do we pick up then in response to this trauma?

Let’s go back to this 7 year old child. There is not a perceived sense of safety around dad. But this is the living situation and a daily part of this child’s life. Living without a feeling of safety is horrendous. Our system will work in overdrive to re-establish a sense of safety.

So what behaviors does this 7 year old child learn?

When standing between the parents, dad demanding that you pick sides and mom in horrified tears, you learn to control and manipulate your words. You can’t choose between mom and dad. Nor should you have to, but here you are. “I need to protect mom, and I need to not upset dad.” Let the tap dancing begin. You learn to circle the conversation around to avoid taking sides. You learn to skirt the issues. You learn to appease with empty words. You learn to say what is needed to get the job done and to get yourself out of the situation.

In your daily life at home, when dad is excessively angry, demanding, and aimed at you, what does 7 year old you learn? You learn that communication is not safe. You learn that being vulnerable is dangerous, especially around people who are supposed to love you and care for you. You learn to take care of yourself and to avoid dad’s feelings. You learn to use your words in order to figure out what dad wants to hear so he will stop talking. You learn to manipulate words and to dodge any responsibility. You learn that it isn’t safe to be genuine and spontaneous. You learn that you cannot trust the words of your loved one, and that you cannot trust their intentions.

What about mom in this picture?

Mom pretends that everything is okay. She so badly wants everything to be ok that she overcompensates for dad’s behavior. She convinces herself and this 7 year old child that everything is fine. From a genuine desire to offset the damage being done, she praises this child for everything they do. 

What does 7 year old you learn from mom?

How to pretend that everything is fine. How to forget about any of the problems and pretend they didn’t happen. How to just move on in life. This lays the foundation for abuse amnesia. Ever heard of that? It’s when the abusive behavior seems to just vanish. It disappears into thin air. It went to never never land. Never to be talked about again. Never to be brought up. Never to be resolved.

In never never land, we just seem to return to this weird place of okayness. Things are just okay. Everything moves forward with some sort of normalcy. You’re looking around wondering if anyone else saw that. Wondering what happened to the issue that we just survived, where did it go? Do I dare to bring it up again? NOPE. If they can pretend that it didn’t happen, then so can I. We join them on the journey to Never Never Land.

This 7 year old gets older. I would say that they grow up, or do they? If they do not have the emotional support to face this trauma, to voice it, to process it, then this trauma carries forward. It gets passed onto others.

What children of covert narcissists’ learn

Remember what this child learned

• to manipulate conversations in order to keep themselves safe

• to skirt the issues and say whatever is needed to get out of the situation

• to dodge responsibility and accountability

• to not trust

• that vulnerability isn’t safe and should be avoided at all costs

• to forget about the bad behavior as quickly as possible

• to pretend like everything is fine

• to live in Never Never Land

These learned behaviors that served the purpose of keeping them safe become a part of their everyday life. This becomes how they interact, especially with those closest to them, the ones that make them feel vulnerable. In trying to survive and avoid this trauma, they simply carry the effects of it into the lives of their own family. As an adult, they believe that it is a thing of the past and that it stayed in the past. In reality, it is very much so a thing of their present and will continue into their future. And they don’t even realize it.

Imagine a young driver has had a car accident and quickly learned to be tense as a driver. In the car, they are reactive to everyone around them. They yell at their own kids for any tiny noise or distraction in the vehicle. These kids learn that being in the car isn’t safe, so they become tense in the vehicle. As they grow up and become young drivers, the tension and reactiveness carries on with them. Their own hypervigilance creates an unsafe situation, creating the very problem the parent is trying to avoid. This parent’s trauma becomes their child’s trauma.

The covert narcissist’s wall of self-protection

Narcissistic traits are a form of self-protection from traumas that one has experienced. If these were during childhood, this is before a child is old enough to have coping skills in place to handle trauma. They rely completely on the reactive survival instincts. If this is within their own home, from their caregivers, then normalizing this behavior is also happening. They think that every home is like their home, every family is like their family. They believe that that is normal and how everyone interacts. Thus these survival skills are here to stay!

My husband’s childhood was filled with trauma. Yes, he had some good times. There were pleasant memories in his past. However, there were some extremely traumatic ones too. His father was aggressive, antagonistic, abrasive, and abusive. To both my husband and his mom. At a very young age, life became not safe for my husband. Thus he put survival tactics in place. 

A defensive wall to hide behind, a facade to make him look good and hide his internal self, manipulating others to get his way, making sure that nothing was his fault, skirting responsibilities, and passing the blame. This left me and the kids feeling distant and hurt. His defensive wall left gaping holes in our relationships. No way to be close to him. No way to be vulnerable around him. No way to be spontaneous and genuine. Instead, we felt like everything was our fault, carrying all the blame. So the very thing that he was protecting himself against as a child is exactly what he created in adulthood. It is self-sabotaging, and I don’t think he had any idea.

His trauma became our trauma.

This is why it is so crucial to do some trauma healing, for yourself and then learn to help your children. I have recently become certified in trauma coaching. I do offer individual trauma-informed coaching. It’s time to help our kids while they are still young. It’s time to break these cycles. I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing.