Parenting the Parent: How Covert Narcissists Steal Childhoods and How to Heal

Understanding the Dynamic

Were you forced to grow up too soon? Did you feel responsible for managing your parent’s emotions, household duties, or even their well-being? If so, you may have experienced parentification, a term that describes when a child takes on the role of a parent—either emotionally or physically—due to their caregiver’s unmet responsibilities.

For adult children of covert narcissists, this experience is all too common. Instead of being nurtured, they were expected to provide emotional support, household management, and even emotional regulation for their narcissistic parent. Many survivors express feelings like:

🔹 “I had to grow up too fast.”
🔹 “I carried responsibilities that were beyond my years.”
🔹 “My childhood was stolen from me.”

But what exactly is parentification, and how does it impact those who experience it?

What is Parentification?

Parentification occurs when a child is burdened with responsibilities that exceed their developmental capacity. This happens when a caregiver is emotionally or physically absent, neglectful, or incapable of fulfilling their parental role. It manifests in two key ways:

• Instrumental Parentification: The child takes on practical caregiving tasks such as cooking, cleaning, or managing household responsibilities.

• Emotional Parentification: The child becomes their parent’s confidant, therapist, or emotional support system.

While it’s normal for kids to help with household chores, it’s not normal for them to be responsible for managing their parent’s life, taking care of their siblings full-time, or being the emotional crutch for a struggling adult.

Real-Life Examples of Parentification

Many adult children of covert narcissists can relate to these experiences:

Becoming the Emotional Support System

"I remember sitting with my mom while she cried about her life, her job, her marriage. She told me things no child should hear—how unhappy she was, how she regretted her choices. I didn’t understand, but I felt responsible for making her feel better."

Instead of enjoying childhood, they were burdened with adult emotions and responsibilities.

Managing the Household

• Cooking dinner every night

• Ensuring siblings completed their homework

• Cleaning the house

• Taking care of a parent who was passed out from alcohol or exhaustion

• Putting siblings to bed and assuring them that everything would be okay

Years later, many survivors realize: "I practically raised my siblings. I wish I had just been their brother or sister, not their parent."

Keeping the Peace in the Home

• Acting as the negotiator between parents

• Protecting one parent from the other

• Becoming a people-pleaser to avoid conflict

Making Our Parents Look Good

• Getting good grades to make the parent feel accomplished

• Excelling in sports to win approval

• Behaving perfectly in public to avoid embarrassment

Without realizing it, many children of narcissists become an extension of their parent’s ego, rather than being valued for who they truly are.

The Impact of a Covert Narcissistic Parent

A Stolen Childhood

Many survivors describe the loss of a childhood filled with joy and exploration. Instead of playing and making mistakes like normal kids, they were expected to act like mini-adults.

One survivor shared:
"I didn’t have a childhood. I was too busy trying to be perfect to win my dad’s approval."

Even years later, some find themselves reclaiming childhood joys they never got to experience.

Emotional Scar Tissue

Even after healing, many survivors describe an emotional residue—reminders of the trauma that shaped them:

• Words that linger: “You’re too sensitive.” “You’re worthless.”

• Triggers from childhood wounds: Feeling uncomfortable even in moments of peace, because they were conditioned to expect chaos.

• Hyper-awareness of their own flaws: A voice in their head constantly telling them they’re not good enough.

One survivor recalled how, years later, he struggled with self-worth because his father used to berate him for something as simple as the sound of his footsteps.

Difficulty Trusting Self and Others

• Low self-esteem

• Chronic self-blame

• Constantly second-guessing their own judgment

• Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions

• Fear of being manipulated again

After years of gaslighting and emotional neglect, many survivors develop a deep fear of trust and connection.

Parenting Struggles

Those who become parents themselves often battle:

• Fear of repeating the same patterns they grew up with

• Overcompensating by being too permissive

• Struggling to set healthy boundaries

• Unintentionally allowing toxic family members to impact their parenting decisions

Many survivors of covert narcissistic abuse cut ties with toxic parents to protect their own children from experiencing the same cycle.

One parent shared: “If I had not left this marriage, my relationship with my kids would have ended.”

Healing from Parentification and Covert Narcissistic Abuse

Breaking free from the trauma of a covert narcissistic parent is not easy, but it is possible. Here are some steps to begin healing:

1️⃣ Recognize That It Wasn’t Your Fault

You were forced into a role you never should have been in. A child is not responsible for managing a parent’s emotions or responsibilities.

2️⃣ Grieve the Childhood You Lost

It’s okay to mourn what should have been. Give yourself the space to acknowledge the pain and release the guilt that was never yours to carry.

3️⃣ Set Boundaries with Toxic Family Members

You are not obligated to continue parenting your parent as an adult. Limiting or cutting contact with toxic parents can be necessary for your mental health.

4️⃣ Reparent Yourself

Give yourself the love, compassion, and care you didn’t receive as a child. This can look like:

• Speaking to yourself with kindness

• Allowing yourself to play and explore hobbies

• Surrounding yourself with people who validate and respect you

5️⃣ Seek Support

Healing is a journey, and you don’t have to do it alone. Consider:

• Therapy or coaching to work through childhood trauma

• Support groups for survivors of narcissistic abuse

• Educating yourself about narcissistic behavior to break free from toxic patterns

You Deserve to Heal

It is painful to look back and see how much was stolen from you, but you are not alone in this journey. Healing takes time, and the fact that you’re reading this means you’re already taking steps toward reclaiming your life.

Take those lessons you’ve learned and turn them into wisdom, strength, and a new beginning. Your childhood may have been stolen, but your future belongs to you.

Your story matters, and you deserve to be heard without judgment.

Unmasking Narcissism

Imagine a tornado ripping through a peaceful countryside. The tornado itself remains intact, untouched by its own ferocity. Yet everything in its path—homes, trees, lives—is left in ruins. The closer something is to the tornado’s core, the greater the destruction it endures. The storm doesn’t care about the devastation it leaves behind; it simply moves forward, consuming and discarding as it pleases.

This is the essence of a narcissist’s impact on those around them. Like a tornado, a narcissist rarely sees or acknowledges the harm they cause. Their words, actions, and manipulation wreak havoc on the lives closest to them. The deeper the relationship, the more vulnerable you are to the emotional, psychological, or even physical destruction they leave in their wake. Yet, like the tornado, the narcissist moves on, seemingly unscathed.

Understanding this dynamic is essential in recognizing the patterns of narcissistic behavior and protecting yourself from its impact. Today, we’ll explore the different types of narcissism and clear up the prevailing confusion about covert narcissism.

Categories of Narcissism

Grandiose Narcissism

Traits: Inflated self-image, entitlement, arrogance, and a need for admiration

Core Motivation: Desire for superiority and power

Vulnerable Narcissism

Traits: Fragile self-esteem, hypersensitivity to criticism, introverted, and full of self-pity

Core Motivation: Desire for validation, sympathy and attention

Malignant Narcissism

Traits: Combines traits of narcissism with antisocial behavior, sadism, and paranoia

Core Motivation: Desire for control and domination over others

Communal Narcissism

Traits: A focus on being seen as altruistic, caring, and socially responsible

Core Motivation: Desire to be admired for being a "good person"

Somatic Narcissism

Traits: Focus on physical appearance, fitness, or sexual prowess

Core Motivation: Desire to be admired for physical attractiveness

Cerebral Narcissism

Traits: Belief in intellectual superiority and disdain for "less intelligent" people

Core Motivation: Desire to be admired for mental capabilities

You will notice that I did not mention covert narcissism. Covert narcissism is not its own category. Covert narcissistic traits can be a part of any of these categories of narcissism. It is a description of how these categories of narcissism show up. Let me explain in more detail.

Grandiose Narcissism

Traits: Inflated self-image, entitlement, arrogance, and a need for admiration

Identifying Signs: Seeking attention, exaggerating achievements, and dominating conversations

Core Motivation: Validation of superiority and power

Overt Behaviors of a Grandiose Narcissist

1. Bragging About Accomplishments:

• “I closed the biggest deal in the company’s history. This is the best deal this company has ever had. There has never been a bigger deal. No one else could’ve pulled it off like I did.”

• They openly boast about achievements to seek admiration.

2. Dominating Conversations:

• Interrupting others with, “Hold on, let me tell you how I handled this situation. It was perfect,” steering all attention back to themselves and their greatness.

3. Demanding Special Treatment:

• Skipping lines at an event because they “know someone important” or claiming, “People like me don’t wait in line.”

4. Dismissing Others’ Feelings:

• Responding to someone’s struggles with, “Why are you upset? Look at everything I’ve done for you. You should be the happiest with me.”

5. Outbursts When Criticized:

• Yelling or belittling someone who points out a mistake, “You clearly don’t understand how much I contribute.”

Covert Behaviors of a Grandiose Narcissist

1. Passive-Aggressive Manipulation:

• Saying, “It must be nice to have all the free time you do. I’m always working so hard,” laying guilt and blame on you and pushing you to express your gratitude.

2. Feigning Humility to Fish for Compliments:

• “I don’t think I’m that great of a speaker,” when clearly they do think they are. They are fishing for responses such as, “Are you kidding? You’re incredible!”

3. Subtle Undermining of Others:

• “Your presentation was good, but next time you might want to try a more professional tone like I do.”

4. Exhibiting Jealousy:

• “You sure do get a lot of attention. No one ever appreciates all the hard work I put in,” to elicit praise and admiration and get all the attention back on them.

5. Backhanded Compliments:

• “It’s impressive you achieved that, especially with your background,” to solidify their superiority over you.

While overt behaviors of a grandiose narcissist are bold, loud, and attention-seeking, covert behaviors are more subtle but equally manipulative. Both styles aim to maintain their sense of superiority and gain admiration, either through blatant self-promotion or by quietly eliciting sympathy and validation.

2. Vulnerable Narcissism (a.k.a. Covert Narcissism)

Traits: Fragile self-esteem, no one ever appreciates them enough, hypersensitive to criticism, and full of self-pity

Identifying Signs: Passive-aggressive tendencies, withdrawal from challenges, and harboring resentment and anger

Core Motivation: Desire for validation, sympathy and attention, to the point of being coddled. Driven by an avoidance of shame and fear of rejection and abandonment

Overt Behaviors of a Vulnerable Narcissist

1. Openly Complaining About Being Misunderstood:

• “No one ever sees how hard I work. Everyone is always against me no matter what I do.”

• “I can’t believe I’m being treated like this. No one has it as hard as I do.”

2. Expressing Extreme Sensitivity and Defensiveness:

• “Why are you attacking me? I can’t believe you’d say that when I’m trying my best.”

• “It’s not my fault that I don’t know what you want from me.”

3. Demonstrating Obvious Self-Pity:

• “I always give so much, but no one ever does anything for me.”

4. Overtly Seeking Reassurance:

• Constantly asking, “Do you think I’m doing a good job? I feel like I’m just not good enough,” to elicit compliments and attention.

5. Lashing Out When Overwhelmed:

• Snapping at you, “You don’t even care about how much I’m struggling. You only think about yourself.”

Covert Behaviors of a Vulnerable Narcissist

1. Sulking to Gain Sympathy and Attention:

• Huffing, sighing to gain your sympathy and care or to guilt 

2. Quietly Holding Grudges or Resentments:

• Remaining silent but acting cold or distant toward you to “teach you a lesson.”

3. Subtle Guilt-Tripping:

• “I guess I’m just not as important to you as your other friend, but I hope you have a good time. I’ll just sit at home tonight and do nothing.”

4. Undermining your Successes:

• “Oh, I’m happy for you, but honestly, I don’t think I could ever take that much credit for something so simple,” to knock you down a few notches

5. Seeking Validation Through Self-Deprecation:

• “I know I’m not as talented as you are, but at least I try,” designed to elicit reassurances like, “What? You’re amazing!”

• “Clearly I’m just a horrible person.” Now you feel bad for saying anything at all and work to convince them otherwise.

Key Takeaway

While overt behaviors of a vulnerable narcissist tend to focus on obvious expressions of insecurity and sensitivity, covert behaviors are subtler and designed to elicit sympathy, attention, or validation without openly asking for it. Both styles are rooted in their fragile self-esteem and desire to feel valued or admired.

3. Malignant Narcissism

Traits: Combines traits of narcissism with antisocial behavior, sadism, and paranoia

Identifying Signs: Exploitation, manipulation, and a lack of empathy or remorse

Core Motivation: Desire for control and domination over others

Overt Behaviors of a Malignant Narcissist

1. Blatant Intimidation and Threats:

• “If you don’t do what I say, you’ll regret it. I can make your life a living hell.”

• They openly use fear to control others.

2. Publicly Humiliating Others:

• Criticizing or mocking a coworker in front of others, saying, “Why don’t you try doing something right for once?”

• They derive satisfaction from degrading others.

3. Exploitation Without Remorse:

• Forcing someone to work overtime and then taking credit for their results, bragging, “I run this place like a machine.”

• They overtly use others as tools to elevate themselves.

4. Aggressive Displays of Power:

• Boasting about connections or resources they could use to ruin someone’s reputation: “I know people who could make sure you never work in this town again.”

5. Outright Denial of Harmful Actions:

• After being caught in a lie or harmful act, responding with, “Prove it. You’re just trying to make me look bad.”

Covert Behaviors of a Malignant Narcissist

1. Undermining Others Privately:

• Spreading subtle but damaging rumors about a colleague to erode their credibility, such as, “I’ve heard they’re really unreliable. You might want to double-check their work.”

• They sabotage others without being obvious.

2. Feigning Concern to Manipulate:

• Pretending to be worried about someone\u2019s well-being while gathering personal information to use against them later: “Are you okay? You seemed really off during that meeting.”

• They mask malice with false empathy.

3. Gaslighting to Control Perception:

• “You’re imagining things. I never said that,” or, “You’re overreacting. You’re too sensitive.”

• They subtly distort reality to make others doubt their own experiences.

4. Weaponizing Vulnerabilities:

• Gaining someone’s trust by acting supportive, only to use their shared secrets against them later: “Remember what you told me about your financial issues? You really can’t afford to lose this job.”

• They exploit others’ trust to maintain control.

5. Playing the Victim to Avoid Accountability:

• “I’m always the bad guy, no matter what I do. Everyone’s out to get me,” after being called out for hurtful behavior.

• They deflect criticism by eliciting sympathy.

Key Takeaway

• Overt behaviors of a malignant narcissist are aggressive, domineering, and unapologetically harmful, designed to assert power and control in obvious ways.

• Covert behaviors are more insidious, involving subtle manipulation, gaslighting, and exploitation that allow them to harm others while maintaining a facade of innocence or concern.

Both styles reflect their lack of empathy and their drive to dominate and manipulate for personal gain, often leaving significant emotional and psychological damage in their wake.

4. Communal Narcissism

Traits: A focus on being seen as altruistic, caring, and socially responsible

Identifying Signs: Highlighting their contributions, moral grandstanding, and expecting recognition for their "generosity"

Core Motivation: Desire of admiration for being a "good person"

Overt Behaviors of a Communal Narcissist

1. Boasting About Good Deeds:

• “I organized that charity event all by myself. It wouldn’t have been a success without me.”

• They openly draw attention to their contributions to gain recognition.

2. Seeking Public Praise for Altruism:

• Posting on social media about a donation with captions like, “Making the world a better place, one step at a time! #BlessedToGive.”

• They thrive on public admiration for their supposed selflessness.

3. Comparing Themselves to Others to Feel Superior:

• “I don’t understand how people can be so selfish. I spend all my time helping others.”

• They emphasize their altruism by belittling others’ perceived lack of generosity.

4. Taking Credit for Group Efforts:

• “That project wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t stepped in to organize everything.”

• They dominate collaborative work to ensure they’re seen as the hero.

5. Using Charity to Gain Power or Influence:

• “Since I donated the most money, I think I should have the final say in how the funds are used.”

• Their “generosity” is often a means to exert control.

Covert Behaviors of a Communal Narcissist

1. Subtly Expecting Gratitude or Recognition:

• “I went out of my way to help you, but I guess some people don’t appreciate kindness these days.”

• They indirectly guilt others into acknowledging their efforts.

2. Downplaying Their True Motives:

• “Oh, it was nothing, really. I just enjoy helping others,” while secretly hoping for admiration.

• They use humility as a strategy to elicit praise.

3. Weaponizing Generosity:

• “After everything I’ve done for you, I can’t believe you’re treating me this way.”

• They remind others of their good deeds to manipulate or control them.

4. Undermining Others While Feigning Morality:

• “I just want to help them improve, but honestly, they don’t care about people as much as I do.”

• They subtly criticize others under the guise of being helpful or concerned.

5. Overstepping Boundaries in the Name of Helping:

• Taking over someone’s personal responsibilities and saying, “I only did it because I care so much about you,” while ignoring their wishes.

• They impose their assistance to appear indispensable and gain control.

Key Takeaway

• Overt behaviors of a communal narcissist involve obvious self-promotion of their altruism and moral superiority to gain admiration and influence.

• Covert behaviors are subtler and include guilt-tripping, manipulation, and feigned humility to elicit validation while maintaining a selfless facade.

Both styles reflect their underlying need for recognition and validation, often making their relationships feel transactional and emotionally draining.

5. Somatic Narcissism

Traits: Focus on physical appearance, fitness, or sexual prowess

Identifying Signs: Excessive preoccupation with body image and constant need for compliments about appearance

Core Motivation: Desire of affirmation for physical attractiveness as a source of worth

Overt Behaviors of a Somatic Narcissist

1. Constantly Flaunting Their Appearance:

• Regularly posting selfies with captions like, “Woke up like this #NaturalBeauty” or “Gym gains paying off!”

• They openly seek admiration for their physical attributes.

2. Bragging About Sexual Conquests:

• Telling friends, “I can get anyone I want. People just can’t resist me.”

• They boast about their desirability and sexual success to reinforce their self-image.

3. Criticizing Others’ Appearances:

• “She would look so much better if she just took care of herself like I do.”

• They diminish others to elevate their own sense of physical superiority.

4. Obsessing Over Fashion and Trends:

• “I only wear designer brands because I know how to present myself,” or emphasizing the cost of their wardrobe.

• They use material symbols of beauty to seek admiration.

5. Seeking Validation Through Public Performance:

• Making a spectacle at the gym or a dance floor to attract attention, saying afterward, “Did you see how everyone was watching me?”

• They crave overt acknowledgment of their physical prowess.

Covert Behaviors of a Somatic Narcissist

1. Fishing for Compliments:

• Saying, “I feel so out of shape lately,” while clearly expecting someone to reassure them, “What? You look amazing!”

• They subtly elicit praise for their appearance without directly asking.

2. Passive-Aggressively Highlighting Their Attractiveness:

• “I don’t know why people always stare at me when I walk into a room—it’s so awkward.”

• They indirectly point out their desirability to others.

3. Using Health or Fitness to Gain Sympathy or Attention:

• “I’ve been working so hard on my diet and fitness, but no one seems to notice,” while hoping for validation.

• They draw attention to their efforts without being overtly boastful.

4. Belittling Others Subtly:

• “Oh, you look great! I’d never be brave enough to wear something like that.”

• They frame their remarks as compliments but imply superiority.

5. Sexual Manipulation:

• Quietly leveraging their sexual desirability to gain favors or maintain control, such as flirting to get what they want or make others jealous.

• They use sexuality as a subtle tool for power and validation.

Key Takeaway

• Overt behaviors of a somatic narcissist are bold and direct, focusing on flaunting their appearance, health, or sexuality to gain admiration.

• Covert behaviors are subtler, using passive-aggression, fishing for compliments, or subtle manipulations to achieve the same goal without appearing overly self-centered.

Both styles revolve around their physicality and leave those around them feeling compared, objectified, or undervalued.

6. Cerebral Narcissism

Traits: Belief in intellectual superiority and disdain for "less intelligent" people

Identifying Signs: Overly analytical, condescending, and prone to intellectual debates to showcase intelligence

Core Motivation: Desire of validation for mental capabilities

Overt Behaviors of a Cerebral Narcissist

1. Boasting About Their Intelligence:

• “I have a higher IQ than most people I know, so I usually end up being the smartest person in the room.”

• They openly highlight their intellectual superiority.

2. Talking Down to Others:

• “I can explain it to you in simpler terms since this is probably over your head.”

• They demean others to assert their intellectual dominance.

3. Dominating Conversations with Theories or Facts:

• Hijacking a casual discussion to give an in-depth, unasked-for lecture: “Actually, if you look at the data, what you’re saying doesn’t make any sense.”

• They insist on showing off their knowledge.

4. Discrediting Others’ Opinions:

• “Your argument is so flawed, I don’t even know where to begin correcting you.”

• They invalidate others to appear infallible.

5. Claiming to Be an Authority on Many Topics:

• “I’ve read every book on the subject, so I know more about this than anyone here.”

• They present themselves as the ultimate expert, regardless of the topic.

Covert Behaviors of a Cerebral Narcissist

1. Subtly Undermining Others’ Ideas:

• “That’s an interesting perspective, but have you considered how oversimplified it is?”

• They frame their criticism as intellectual guidance while quietly dismissing others.

2. Feigning Humility to Elicit Praise:

• “I don’t know why people keep asking for my advice—I’m not that brilliant,” while expecting responses like, “Are you kidding? You’re a genius!”

• They use self-deprecation to provoke admiration.

3. Gaslighting Through Intellectual Manipulation:

• “If you really understood this topic, you wouldn’t be confused right now,” implying the other person is less intelligent for questioning them.

• They use complex language or ideas to make others feel inferior.

4. Withholding Information to Maintain Power:

• Keeping key details to themselves in a group project and later revealing them to demonstrate their superior knowledge: “Oh, I thought everyone knew that—guess it’s up to me to fix it.”

• They maintain control by ensuring others depend on their expertise.

5. Passive-Aggressively Highlighting Their Achievements:

• “It’s funny how people with advanced degrees like mine are often misunderstood.”

• They subtly draw attention to their credentials without appearing overtly boastful.

Key Takeaway

• Overt behaviors of a cerebral narcissist are direct, focusing on flaunting their intellect, belittling others, and dominating intellectual spaces to gain admiration.

• Covert behaviors involve subtle manipulations, passive-aggressive remarks, and intellectual gaslighting to quietly establish their superiority while appearing unassuming.

Both styles reflect their fixation on being seen as the smartest or most knowledgeable person, often leaving those around them feeling dismissed, devalued, or intellectually inadequate.

Conclusion

Narcissism exists on a spectrum and can manifest differently in individuals. Traits from multiple types of narcissism may be present in the same individual. Root causes often involve a mix of genetics, childhood experiences, and environmental influences. Each type of narcissism can present with overt traits, covert traits, or a combination of both.

As always, this information is for educational purposes only. I am not in the business of diagnosing anyone. This information should not be used to diagnose. That requires trained professionals in the field. 

Understanding the different types and manifestations of narcissism can aid in developing effective coping strategies, workarounds, or even interventions. I offer both individual and small group coaching for help in devising these strategies and workarounds for your specific situation. 

www.covertnarcissism.com

Victim Blaming: The Silent Weapon Against Survivors of Covert Narcissism

Imagine mustering the courage to share your deepest pain, the struggles you face daily in your marriage, and the emotional despair that has consumed you. Instead of finding empathy, you’re met with questions and statements like:

• "Why don’t you just leave?"

• "Maybe you’re the problem."

• "You shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place."

These aren’t just hurtful—they’re devastating. Victim blaming silences survivors, reinforces the abuser’s control, and deepens the emotional wounds of covert narcissistic abuse. Instead of empathy and understanding, you hear accusations, judgments, and dismissive comments. This is the last thing you need and can push you even further into loneliness, hopelessness and despair.

No one understands! No one gets it! No one cares!

What is Victim Blaming?

Victim blaming occurs when others hold the victim responsible for the abuse they are receiving or minimize their experiences. This harmful mindset often stems from a lack of understanding about the dynamics of covert narcissistic abuse.

Victim blaming shows up in many forms:

• Dismissive statements: "It’s not that bad."

• Judgmental accusations: "Why didn’t you just communicate better?"

• Insults: "You’re just being dramatic."

• Invalidation: "You’re overreacting."

These comments don’t just sting—they perpetuate the psychological damage victims already endure.

How Victim Blaming Hurts Survivors

1. It Silences Victims

When survivors face judgment instead of support, they often retreat into silence, fearing further pain. Already feeling lonely, they are now convinced that they are on this journey completely alone. This isolation makes it even harder to seek help and begin healing.

2. It Deepens Self-Doubt

Covert narcissism thrives on gaslighting and manipulation. Victims already struggle with questions like:

• "Am I overreacting?"

• "Is this really abuse?"

Hearing phrases like "This is your fault" amplifies their inner conflict and erodes their confidence.

3. It Invalidates the Experience

Statements like "Why didn’t you leave?" or "Just get over it" dismiss the complexity of abusive relationships. Survivors feel invisible and misunderstood. This situation is already impossible to put to words. Unreceptive ears only magnifies this maddening situation.

4. It Reinforces the Abuser’s Control

Victim blaming echoes the abuser’s narrative: "You’re the problem." This reinforces the power imbalance, making it even harder for the victim to break free.

Why Do People Victim Blame?

1. Discomfort with Complexity
   Covert narcissistic abuse is nuanced and difficult to understand. Simplifying it by blaming the victim feels easier than confronting the painful reality of manipulation.

2. Projection of Personal Beliefs
   Comments like "You’re just a drama queen" or "This is why men shouldn’t get married" often reflect the speaker’s own biases or frustrations, not the survivor’s reality.

3. Desire for Control
   Blaming the victim provides a false sense of security: "If I avoid their mistakes, this won’t happen to me."

How to Respond to Victim Blaming

1. Recognize It’s About Them, Not You

Victim-blaming comments reveal the commenter’s ignorance or discomfort—not your truth.

2. Seek Safe Spaces

Share your story with trusted friends, support groups, or a therapist who listens without judgment.

3. Educate Where You Can

If you feel safe, use these moments to spread awareness. For example:

• "Covert narcissism is designed to trap you emotionally, making leaving seem impossible."

• "It’s not about a lack of communication; it’s about a lack of respect and empathy from the abuser."

4. Focus on Your Healing

Redirect your energy from defending yourself to nurturing your well-being. You are not defined by others’ misunderstandings.

A Message to Survivors

If you’ve faced victim blaming, hear this: It’s not your fault. The responsibility for abuse lies solely with the abuser, not you.

You are not weak for staying. You are brave for surviving. You deserve compassion, understanding, and support as you heal.

Encouraging Empathy: A Message to Listeners

If you’ve ever judged a survivor or questioned their choices, consider this:

• Do you fully understand their situation?

• Are you offering support or adding to their pain?

• How would you want someone to respond if you were in their shoes?

Empathy can make a world of difference. Listening without judgment and validating someone’s feelings can be the first step toward helping them heal.

Let’s Shift the Narrative

Victim blaming adds to the wounds of those already suffering. Together, we can change that. Let’s create a world where survivors feel seen, heard, and supported.

If this blog resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it. Your story matters, and you deserve to be heard without judgment.

Ready to take the next step in your healing journey? Check out my coaching services. And don’t forget to subscribe for more empowering content.

I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing!

Intimacy Issues with a Covert Narcissist

A Question That Haunts Many

Today, I want to explore a question that lingers in the hearts of so many: *Why can’t I feel intimate with my partner?* If you’ve found yourself asking this, let me assure you, you’re not alone. Intimacy, that deep connection we all crave, can feel impossible when you’re caught in the web of emotional abuse.

The Silent Erosion of Intimacy

Let me share a story to illustrate this. Picture a woman who, one quiet evening, tries to tell her partner about a tough day at work. She’s vulnerable, her guard down, hoping for empathy. Instead, she’s met with a sigh and the dismissive comment, “Why do you always have to complain about everything?”

The moment she hoped would bring them closer becomes a weapon that hurts her. Over time, she learns to keep her thoughts to herself, building walls around her heart brick by brick. And just like that, intimacy begins to erode.

Or imagine a man sitting alone at the kitchen table late at night, replaying the events of the day. His partner’s sharp words, subtle put-downs, and dismissive attitude weigh heavily on him. Earlier, he suggested they spend time together—watch a movie, perhaps. Her response? “Why would I waste my evening that way?”

He didn’t argue; he never does anymore. He cleaned the kitchen, folded laundry, and avoided another cutting remark. Now, sitting alone, he wonders: *Why can’t I feel close to her? Why do I feel so alone, even when she’s right here?*

Does this sound familiar? Emotional abuse doesn’t always look like shouting or slamming doors. Sometimes, it’s the quiet erosion of intimacy through criticism, dismissal, and emotional distance.

How Emotional Abuse Chips Away at Intimacy

Emotional abuse creates an environment where intimacy cannot thrive. Here’s why:

Trust Is Undermined: When your words are twisted and thrown back at you, trust erodes. Covert narcissists use subtle invalidation and inconsistency, leaving you hesitant to share your feelings.

Emotional Availability Is Absent: Covert narcissists often lack genuine emotional depth. Their surface-level engagement leaves you feeling unseen and unheard.

Unpredictability Creates Emotional Exhaustion: One day they’re warm and attentive; the next, they’re cold and critical. This unpredictability keeps you from building a stable connection.

Your Vulnerability Is Betrayed: Confiding in a partner, only to have your words used against you later, stifles openness and intimacy.

Emotional Energy Is Depleted: Managing their moods and avoiding conflict consumes your energy, leaving little for nurturing connection.

Intimacy Becomes a Transaction: Love and attention feel like rewards you must earn, undermining mutual respect and equality.

Even physical closeness may feel hollow, as the emotional intimacy that binds physical connection is often missing.

Signs Intimacy Is Eroding

How do you know if intimacy is eroding in your relationship? Here are some signs:

Emotional Signs

• Conversations stay surface-level; vulnerability is gone.

• Communication becomes strained, with frequent misunderstandings.

• You feel unseen, unheard, or invalidated by your partner.

• Resentment and irritation overshadow affection.

Physical Signs

• Hugs, kisses, and other gestures become less frequent.

• Physical intimacy feels mechanical, lacking emotional connection.

• Avoidance of physical contact altogether.

Behavioral Signs

• One partner withdraws emotionally or isolates themselves.

• Efforts to spend quality time diminish.

• Conflicts remain unresolved, creating lingering tension.

Mental and Emotional Indicators

• You feel lonely even when your partner is present.

• You question whether your partner still cares.

• Emotional exhaustion makes connection feel impossible.

The Blame Game

Have you ever thought, *If only I were more patient, loving, or understanding, things would be different?* You’re not alone. But intimacy is not a solo effort; it’s a two-way street. If your partner isn’t meeting you with vulnerability, effort, and emotional availability, the erosion of intimacy is inevitable—and it’s not your fault.

Breaking Free from the Cycle

So, what can you do if intimacy has eroded in your relationship? Here are some steps to consider:

1. Acknowledge the Reality: Recognize the role emotional abuse plays in eroding intimacy. Naming it is the first step toward clarity.

2. Set Boundaries: Protect your emotional and physical well-being. For example, say, *I won’t engage in this conversation if you’re yelling.*

3. Seek Support: Find trusted friends, support groups, or therapists to help you navigate your experiences.

4. Prioritize Self-Care: Refill your emotional tank with activities that bring you peace and joy, like journaling, walking, or spending time with supportive people.

5. Consider the Relationship’s Future: Reflect on whether the relationship can meet your needs for intimacy, trust, and emotional safety.

Closing Thoughts

Intimacy is one of the most beautiful parts of human connection. It allows us to be seen, loved, and understood for who we truly are. If you’re struggling to feel intimate with your partner, know this: you are not broken, and you are not alone. You deserve a relationship where intimacy flows freely, built on trust, safety, and mutual respect.

Thank you for sharing this time with me today. If this resonated with you, please pass it along to someone who needs it. And if you’re ready to take the next step in your healing journey, visit covertnarcissism.com to learn more about my coaching services. You are not alone on this path, and I’m here to walk it with you.

I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing.

Emotional Abuse Consumption

The 100% Impact of 10% abuse

Imagine this: A husband hits his wife twice a month. She never knows what will trigger it or when it will happen, but it’s inevitable. The other days of the month? He’s kind, attentive, and even generous. He helps with chores, pays bills, engages in meaningful conversations, and buys her gifts. On the surface, 94% of their days together seem good. But does this make it a healthy marriage? Would anyone advise her to stay? The answer is a resounding no.

Now, let’s replace physical abuse with emotional, verbal, or psychological abuse. For some reason, society tends to minimize this type of harm. People rationalize, “It isn’t that bad,” or “It’s not all the time.” But the truth is, the impact of emotional abuse is just as pervasive and damaging—and that’s what I want to explore today.

The Insidious Nature of Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse is often described as insidious, and for good reason. It doesn’t have to happen constantly to dominate your thoughts, emotions, and decisions. Even if it occurs 10-25% of the time, it can consume your mind 100% of the time.

The Pie Chart of Abuse

Let’s visualize this with a pie chart:

Imagine 6% of the chart is red, representing the days when abuse happens. The remaining 94% is green, representing the “good” days.

 On paper, this pie chart looks overwhelmingly positive. But for the victim, it tells a different story. Even though the abusive events only occur on a few days, the fear, anticipation, and recovery from those incidents occupy their mind 100% of the time.

Now consider a covert narcissist. Their verbally and psychologically abusive behavior may only account for 10-25% of the time, leaving most days in a strange, okay-but-tense state. Yet, the mental and emotional toll is constant. You’re stuck anticipating, analyzing, and recovering from the abuse, even on the “good” days.

The Emotional Landmine Effect

Imagine walking through a field littered with landmines. Most of the field is safe, but a few hidden mines make every step potentially dangerous. Even though the majority of the land is safe, you’re consumed by fear. You tread carefully, hypervigilant, and paralyzed by the possibility of an explosion.

This is what living with emotional abuse feels like. You’re constantly bracing for the next outburst, overanalyzing every word and action:

• Will this set them off?

• Am I going to pay for this later?

• What if I say it wrong?

Even the simplest interactions become exhausting. The abuse may not be happening at every moment, but the mental and emotional toll is unrelenting.

The Ratio of Time vs. Impact

The actual moments of abuse might seem like small slivers of time. But their unpredictability and severity overshadow everything else. Here’s why:

Anticipation: You spend hours, even days, walking on eggshells, trying to prevent an outburst.

Aftermath: Post-incident, you replay the situation in your mind, questioning what you did wrong or how you could have stopped it.

Hypervigilance: Even on “good” days, you’re on high alert, scanning for signs of impending abuse.

This constant vigilance creates a mental load that drains your energy and consumes your life. It’s not just about the abusive episodes; it’s about the time in between, filled with fear and anxiety.

The Hidden Cost of Emotional Abuse

When people outside the relationship look at the pie chart, they only see the abuse that happens in specific moments. They don’t see the other pie chart—the one that represents the victim’s mental and emotional experience. For the victim, the abuse is not confined to isolated incidents; it’s an all-encompassing reality.

Breaking the Cycle

So how can you stop emotional abuse from consuming your mind? The first step is awareness—recognizing the full impact of the abuse on your mental and emotional well-being. It’s not just about the abusive incidents themselves; it’s about the ripple effects that touch every part of your life.

Steps to Reclaim Your Mind

1. Name It: Start by calling it what it is: emotional abuse. Naming it helps you see it clearly and separate it from your sense of self-worth.

2. Set Boundaries: Boundaries aren’t about controlling the abuser; they’re about protecting yourself. For example, *I won’t engage in this conversation if you’re yelling at me.*

3. Find Support: Seek help from trusted friends, support groups, or therapists who can help you process your experiences.

4. Focus on Self-Care: Replenish your energy with activities that bring you joy and peace, whether it’s journaling, walking, or spending time with supportive people.

5. Take Small Steps Toward Freedom: Leaving an abusive relationship can feel overwhelming, but even small steps—like saving money or building a support system—can help you regain independence.

Closing Thoughts

Emotional abuse may not leave visible scars, but its impact runs deep. It consumes your thoughts, your emotions, and your sense of self. But here’s the thing: you have the power to take back your mind. It starts with recognizing the abuse for what it is and taking steps, however small, to reclaim your mental and emotional space.

If this resonates with you, know that you’re not alone. Healing is possible, and you deserve a life free from the constant weight of emotional abuse. Better days are ahead, and you are strong enough to create a life filled with safety, peace, and love.

I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing.

Covert Narcissists Need a Supply and a Scapegoat

Let’s play a little game of who am I

“I want people to worship the ground I walk on. Clearly I deserve it. Everyone is thinking about me all the time. They think about what I’m doing. They think about what I want. They think about how much they want to be like me. They think about how awesome I am.”

Who am I? Would you say a narcissist?

“I want to blame everything on others. Everything is their fault. Coworkers, family, neighbors. They screwed up everything. They didn’t do anything right. They really should be thinking about how not to upset me. I can’t believe how clueless and horrible they are.”

Who am I? Again, another narcissist

“I want this one person to worship me. This one person must think about me all the time. He/She must validate me at all times, support everything I do, agree with everything I say, and think I am amazing.”

Who am I? A covert narcissist

“You are doing everything wrong. You can’t ever get anything right. You should really be glad that I am here to help you because you mess everything up all the time. Things aren’t partly your fault. They are completely your fault. You are 100% to blame for anything and everything.”

Once again, a covert narcissist

Narcissistic people need two dominant things: supply and scapegoats. They need someone who cares for their every need and want. This supply feeds their ego, boosting them up, laughing at all of their jokes, hanging on every word they say, and giving them all of their attention. In addition, they need scapegoats. Nothing is ever their fault, so they need somewhere for their blame to go, all the time. Everything that has ever gone wrong in their life is to be blamed on someone or something else.

Covert narcissistic individuals zero in on one person. They become laser focused on YOU. What you are thinking, what you are doing, who you are with, and what you are saying. They have picked you out as the target of their attention and thus your whole world must now center around them. They don’t want the attention of everyone in the room, but they certainly want ALL of your attention.

In the same way, covert narcissists don’t need to blame the whole world for their problems. They have you. You become their sole scapegoat. Everything, and I mean everything, is 100% your fault. Not partly your fault, but rather completely your fault. As you naturally pull back from this painful situation, it is only a matter of time before you are no longer their supply, but you are firmly their scapegoat.

If you are out together, you must make sure you are sitting right beside them. You must be sure to hold their hand, smile at them, laugh at all their jokes, cling to every word that comes out of their mouth. They have chosen you and thus you now give up your own identity to become an extension of them.

They don’t want the attention of everyone in the room. That is the overt narcissist’s style. They don’t want/need everyone to worship them. They believe they deserve it, but they also believe that no one else realizes this. So they are a constant victim of everyone’s ignorance. So instead they just focus on one person’s attention…yours.

Overt narcissists are focused on more people and winning the attention of more people.

Covert narcissists are focused on one person and winning that one person’s full attention.

What is narcissistic supply?

I remember the first time I heard this phrase. I thought it sounded kind of harsh. I’m not a supply to him.  He doesn’t see me as supply. That doesn’t make sense. Supply is something to be consumed. This is a relationship, not an economic transaction. There is no supply and demand here. At least, I didn’t think there was. Yet, the more I watched, the more I paid attention to his interactions with me, the more I realized that perhaps he did.

Maybe this was a supply and demand relationship. The transaction was an emotional transaction. I had all the supply and he had all the demand. I had the emotional care, empathy, attention, and genuineness. I had all the goods, and he brought all the demand. He brought a deficit of emotional care, empathy, attention and genuineness. He even told me once that I wasn’t allowed to pull away from him because he gets all his emotional validation from me. This was a relationship built on the concept of supply and demand. No wonder everything felt transactional. It was.

Narcissistic people need supply. Covert narcissists want one supplier, and they want all of that one supplier’s stuff. In farming terms, the consumer, the narcissist, doesn’t want to get their corn from multiple farms. They want just one supplier. But they want to then control that one supplier. I am taking all of your product, thus you will do this my way. You will run your machines the way I tell think you should. You will trim your crops the way I think you should. And you can’t give your corn to any other buyer. I am the only one for you.

So you can’t give your emotional energy to anyone else. You can’t offer your attention and care to others without it being a problem. This includes your friends, your family, even your own children. Remember, the covert narcissist doesn’t want to share you with others.

What is Narcissistic Scapegoat?

Now I said they need supply and they need a scapegoat. So let’s describe what a scapegoat is. A scapegoat is someone to blame. The definition is really that simple. Do you know where the term scapegoat comes from? This term comes from Christian literature. It comes from the Bible, the book of Leviticus. In Leviticus, the sins of the people are symbolically placed upon a goat. That goat is then released into the wilderness. It symbolically carried the weight of everyone’s sins, freeing them from the responsibility and the consequences. 

The word was first used by Protestant scholar William Tyndale in the 1500s. This scholar was translating the Hebrew Bible into English. He coined the phrase scapegoat based on this ancient religious practice.

That’s a great deal for the people. You can sin all you want. When the time comes, we will lay all the sins on the goat and release the goat into the wilderness. Scapegoating has continues as a phrase today to mean laying the responsibility for your crimes, sins, bad behavior onto someone else. I blame that other person and they have to deal with the consequences. Not me. This is a great deal for the perpetrator.

How does this play out for the covert narcissist? They do the bad behavior - yell at you, rage at the kids, slam the door and lock themselves in the room, give you the silent treatment for weeks. All of this antagonistic and manipulative behavior. When they are called out on it, they blame it on you. 

“If you had not spilled the milk, I wouldn’t have gotten mad and yelled at you.”

“If you hadn’t bought the wrong kind of milk, I wouldn’t have slammed the door.”

“If you hadn’t fussed at me about not picking my stuff up, I wouldn’t have raged at the kids.”

You know, everyone gets mad at times. Everyone has those moments. But not everyone yells and calls people names. Not everyone slams doors and rages at the kids. People get mad, but people have a checkpoint on their behavior. I might be mad, but if I yell at people, then they will feel bad. I don’t want them to feel bad, so I keep my behavior in check. I am concerned about the feelings of others and want to protect them. This is empathy. 

Narcissistic people do not have empathy. So they do not have a checkpoint to stop their impulsive behavior. They don’t have a way to see how their behavior will affect others. We all have impulsive thoughts. That moment where you just want to scream at the person in front of you. I can’t believe you don’t understand what I am saying! How could you not get this! But not all of us act on our impulsive desires and put others down. We recognize that this will hurt that person. It will upset them and cause them to feel bad, and we don't want that. So we keep our reactions in check. This is empathy.

I want to give you an example here

Let’s say that your partner comes over to go out with you. You comment that you don’t think their shirt is fancy enough for the restaurant you are headed to. They become extremely defensive and reactive to your words. They jump in their car and aggressively drive to their apartment to change. On the way, their aggressive and erratic driving causes them to get in an accident. Now they are super mad at you. “Because you didn’t like my shirt, I got into an accident.” Wrong! You are allowed to voice your opinion about the shirt. You did not make them drive anywhere and certainly did not choose their mindset behind the wheel. Laying the blame on you is scapegoating.

This is how you fall from the pedestal in a narcissistic relationship. You are their supply. As such, you are practically worshiped. You are protected, cared for, and important. As you go through life with the CN, you pull away from the role of supplier. Maybe you realize this and maybe you don’t, but you no longer supply the covert narcissist. Well, now you become the scapegoat. Everything is your fault. It absolutely cannot be the covert narcissist’s fault. 

It is time to refuse to be their goat. No more! They are responsible for their actions and behaviors, period! Not you.

I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing.

Covert Narcissism is the Invisible Abuse

Covert narcissistic abuse is a hidden abuse. It is invisible to the world around us. Our family and friends don't see it. Our neighbors don't see it. Our churches don't see it. Our therapists don't see it. The courts don't see it. And way too often, the victims don't see it either.  It is a gradual stealing of your right and ability to matter in this world. It is such tiny steps that it is not seen by the victim for years, decades or even a lifetime. It is a slow and subtle removal of your boundaries. One by one over time you give them away. "Why do you close the door when you go to the bathroom? Are you hiding from me?"  "Why do you do things with your friend? Don't you like doing things with me?"  "Why are you wearing that?" "Why do you say things that way?”

Their words start chipping away at your confidence and security as an individual. You begin checking everything you do against what they will think or say. Your mind becomes occupied with your abuser. The damage being done is all inside you. It is internal.

"What will he say if I tell him I want to go out with my friend?"

"How will he react if I say it this way or that way?"

"I shouldn't do this or that because it might upset him."

You start defending yourself and walking on eggshells and don't even realize it. You're defending things that you should never have to explain or defend. Things that to everyone else are just a normal part of spontaneous life.

But there is no such thing as spontaneous life with a narcissistic abuser. You can't do anything spontaneous anymore. Everything has to be questioned, checked, analyzed. How will he take it? What will he say? How will he react?

Your mind is going a million miles per hour. Your guard is up, and you are protecting yourself against this person who should be your greatest supporter.  You doubt yourself. You measure every action you make against what they will think of you or what they will say or what they will accuse you of. Defending yourself makes you look guilty and desperate. Defending yourself makes you feel guilty and desperate.  Their thoughts, opinions, and feelings now matter more to you than your own. You are slowly being stripped of your ability to matter even to yourself. Your world gets smaller and smaller.  When you try to explain yourself to them, they take such great offense at your attempts. "Why are you being so defensive? I was just asking a simple question. Geez, you're so sensitive!" Now you feel guilty for even responding to them when all you were trying to do was explain yourself. You are now in an impossible situation. You either do everything you think they want exactly as they want it, which is impossible, or you continue to get "put in your place." And NO ONE ELSE SEES IT!!

Two Simple and Effective Tools for Healing the Pain of Narcissistic Abuse

Do you feel that narcissism is everywhere? The red flags of narcissistic abuse are all around us. Even the very word “narcissism” is plastered all over the internet. We are seeing the effects of the abuse in ourselves, our kids, other family members, our friends, and so on. Even our pets  feel the power of the negativity in the home.

Okay, so now we see the abuse. We feel the pain. Now what? I am often asked, “How do we heal?” If we cannot heal, there is a strong chance that we will walk right back into another abusive relationship. The cycle is incredibly powerful and has so very many people trapped. I hear so many victims say, “How could I have let it happen to me again?!?”

The key is in our healing. Without healing, we remain victims, and victims continue to get caught and trapped.

In my own personal healing process, I have found two very effective tools for processing the deep emotions and generating the power of healing. I call the two tools Emotional Burn and Imagination Burst. They go hand-in-hand and work extremely well with each other.

Emotional Burn

It is very important that you do this step in a safe and peaceful environment. I do this in my own bedroom. I turn on some calm and quiet music. I turn on my salt lamp and essential oils diffuser. Lavender oil is amazing for a peaceful environment. I sit with my favorite meditation pillow. I create a safe space, a sanctuary.

If you prefer to use an outdoor safe space, that works great as well. I like to sit amongst our magnolia trees in our backyard, listening to the cardinals sing, and feeling the warmth of the sunshine. Do not underestimate the power of your surroundings. Use them to help soothe your emotions.

Once you have created a safe environment for yourself, take a specific memory that is weighing heavy on your heart. One that still causes your stomach to drop. One that causes all of your insides to scream. I found it helpful to have previously created a list of these suffocating memories. Allow yourself to feel the intense and horrible feelings that go with that memory. Give yourself permission to feel the pain, the anger, the hurt, the anxiety, the despair. These are NORMAL reactions to what you have experienced, to the way you were treated. Tell yourself that it is okay that you felt, and perhaps still feel, this way. Allow those feelings to burn.

Picture a candle. Some candles are bigger than others. But no matter how big the candle is, someday it will run out of wick and no longer have the ability to burn. Your pain from these stubborn memories is the same way. Some have longer wicks than others. But over time, they all will burn out. If you never light a candle though, it will not burn out. If you don’t light your own internal candle, these feelings will never burn away. They will remain locked inside you, and I promise they will affect you and your future relationships. You have to allow them to burn in order for them to fade away.

I want to re-emphasize that you should do this exercise in a safe environment where you have the space needed to let the feelings out. It is best for me to do this alone in my own home, where I can feel safe with intense emotions. If embracing those memories alone is too overwhelming for you, that’s okay. Do this exercise with a trusted loved one or a therapist. Even a loving pet can be the therapeutic support you need. Over time, you will get emotionally stronger.

Knowing the Purpose of the Pain

When we place our hand on a hot burner, a seething pain shoots through our body. That pain serves a very important purpose. If we ignore it, we will be badly injured. Pain protects us and keeps us safe. It is not a bad thing, but is rather extremely useful to us. It causes us to quickly remove our hand, before thought even happens. Without that pain, we would leave our hand there not realizing that it was burning.

The same is true with emotional pain. It is not a bad thing. Without it, we lose ourselves, our soul, our identity, our genuineness. The pain is what tells us that something is truly wrong. It tells us that we need to pay attention and remove ourselves from the situation. Embrace that pain and allow it to communicate with you. It is in that pain that you will find yourself again.

Imagination Burst

The other extremely useful tool is Imagination Burst. Your own imagination is very effective in dealing with all the pain. The approach of this tool may seem contradictory to the Emotional Burn. It definitely is not though! You see, if you stay with those intense emotions burning all the time, you will exhaust yourself and go crazy. You simply cannot maintain that emotional burn for long-term. You need to purposefully take a break from it. This is that break!

I want you to use your imagination and imagine what it would be like if none of that abuse actually happened to you. Imagine who you would be right now if you had not gone through all of this. What would you be doing? What would you be thinking? Who would you be? How would you be spending your time and energy?

Do not confuse this with trying to live in denial. You are not trying to convince yourself that none of the abuse happened. You know without a doubt all the abuse that you have suffered. This is using your imagination to your advantage, to push you to better places. It is consciously taking a break from all the hard work of processing the emotions and looking at your life outside of them. Yes do the work, but you must allow your heart and mind to rest and enjoy who you are.

Create a Cycle

Both the Emotional Burn and the Imagination Burst are needed in the healing process. Get into a cycle of using both tools. There is no one right way to use these. So experiment with them. I will share my favorite way to use them.

The two tools complement each other extremely well. As you do the work of the Emotional Burn, the Imagination Burst will give you more of a picture of who you want to be as the hard work pays off. Rather than doing the Emotional Burn with no direction, this gives you a target, a goal, inspiration, and hope. It helps you to see that you will make it through this, and there is life and happiness after emotional abuse!

A Night-time Routine

Every night before I go to bed, I use both of these tools. I create the environment I mentioned earlier with peaceful music, a salt lamp, essential oils and a meditation pillow. Sometimes I even light a candle. Get creative with your environment and find what works for you.

After creating your safe space, start with the Emotional Burn. Take one of the memories that weighs heavy on your heart. Bring it fully to mind, remembering what happened, what was said, what you thought, and how you felt. As you stay with this memory, notice how you feel. Some of these feelings are crazy powerful and overwhelming. That’s okay. Remind yourself that you are in this safe environment. When you feel overwhelmed, take a moment and notice what you hear, see and smell. Listen to the music or the birds, see the peaceful salt lamp or the warm sunshine, smell the essential oils or fresh air. Remember you are safe.

Continue with the Emotional Burn. Remind yourself often that these are normal emotional reactions to a horrible situation. Give yourself permission to feel this way. If you need to cry, then cry. If you need to scream, then scream. If you need to just sit and shake, then sit and shake. Remember that it is okay and that you are safe. Allow this process to continue until you feel some of the power of those emotions die away. Watch them go up in smoke and simply let them go.

When you feel it is time, shift to Imagination Burst. Imagine what life would be like if this particular event had not happened. Remember you are not trying to convince yourself that it did not happen. You are just imagining the what-if. Embrace the feelings that come from the relief. Give yourself permission to enjoy these feelings. Allow these feelings to replace the painful feelings that just went up in smoke. The peacefulness is very welcome and appreciated. Think of it as a reward for the hard work of the Emotional Burn. Enjoy the reward!

Experiment with these two tools and find some ways to make them work for you. The Emotional Burn can be quite intense, so I think it is best to follow it with an activity that brings you back to a happier place. This is why I found it useful to go straight into Imagination Burst, but you can space them out more if you want.

Other things you could use to follow the Emotional Burn are cuddling with a pet, going for a walk, spending time with a good friend, reading a good book, gardening, a bubble bath, other forms of meditation. Purposefully plan to follow it up with something that is healing to your soul.

The Imagination Burst can be used anytime and does not need to be only in a safe environment. I have found it to be very effective when I also use it for a few minutes in the morning. It is an extremely inspiring way to start the day!

This is Your Healing

True healing can only come from within you. NO ONE can do it for you. Those close to you can love you and support you, but they cannot do any of this for you. This is your journey! Embrace it. Allow it to make you stronger, freer, and happier. Remember, you are stronger than you think you are!

Know that you are not alone. Thousands and more are making this same journey with you. Too many endure the pain alone. They hide in fear. Slowly our world is becoming a safer place for our voices to be heard. Our world is waking up to the suffering we have endured. Yes you have to do the work for yourself, but you no longer have to suffer alone!

Emotional Safety is Crucial for Us and for Our Kids

Damaging Our Kids

How much damage are we doing to our own kids? You may think that it is only your toxic partner that is hurting them, but you will be surprised to find that you are perhaps adding to that damage too.

“I was SO wrapped up in trying to keep peace that I pushed my own kids’ feelings under the rug right along with everything else.”

I used to say to myself, “Why can’t my boys just do what is necessary to keep their dad happy?” Because they were kids!

I used to wonder, “Why don’t the boys get it? Can’t they just do what he says? It would be so much more peaceful.” Because that is not their role in life. They are allowed to be kids, and they are allowed to express themselves. They are people too!

They were good boys just being kids, and I was asking the wrong questions. Instead of asking why the boys didn’t get it, I should have been asking why doesn’t my husband get it? Why can’t he let them be kids? Why doesn’t he accept them as they are?

My focus was all wrong. I was trying to keep peace with the elephant in the room. I made my priority to keep my husband happy because he was the meanest to everyone when he was unhappy. We paid a high price when he was upset.

In trying to keep peace, I pushed everything under the rug as fast as I could. I quieted and corrected the boys, even when they were doing no wrong. I jumped on them quickly simply to beat their dad to it, knowing that he would be unreasonable. All because I wanted to keep peace with their dad.

I paid a high price for this mistake. My boys learned that their feelings didn’t matter. They couldn’t be angry. They couldn’t be happy. Any and all of their feelings were pushed down due to emotional fear.

Feelings Matter

One thing I learned in all of this is that feelings matter! Emotional safety is hugely important! Without it, we will simply go crazy. If our pushed down anger doesn’t kill us, then our own stress level will. .

Emotional safety is crucial! What is emotional safety?

-Feeling free to express yourself, free from judgment and criticism

-Being free to feel your own feelings

-Having the freedom to get mad and work through it on your own

-Having the freedom to be happy and silly

-Being internally relaxed

-Feeling safe to let your guard down

-Openly free to share our hurts, fears, dreams, tender feelings

-Free to be vulnerable and non-defensive

-Knowing that you are not responsible for the other person’s feelings

Without this emotional safety, we build defenses. We defend ourselves against potential criticism, blame, shame and rejection. We defend ourselves by being critical of others and minimizing their needs and feelings.

How do you give them emotional safety?

The absolutely best first step is to work on emotional safety yourself. Are you emotionally safe? Do everything you can to put yourself in this safety first. As you do, your own defenses will come down. Work on being internally relaxed, both mentally and emotionally. This is the single best thing you can do for your own kids’ emotional growth.

Let your kids express anger. Don’t be afraid of it or quit to shut it down. If they are expressing it, then they are not bottling it up inside them. This is a good thing! They need to learn that there are boundaries for expressing anger. Throwing things or hitting people should not be acceptable. Give them safe ways to release that anger. Hitting a workout bag or pillow, throwing a tennis ball forcefully at a safe wall, and kicking a beach ball are some great examples.

Don’t judge and criticize them when they express their dreams. Don’t superficially praise them either. Be open to their ideas, and at the same time be honest with your own opinions.

Remember that your kid is a fellow human being. Yes you brought him/her into this world. But they are still a separate human being, with their own ideas, thoughts, dreams, fears, feelings, and life. Look at them as such. See them for who they really are.

Explore this emotional safety further. Help your kids to develop emotional skills and emotional health. For more information on helping your kids’ emotional development, check out my ebook devoted just to this.

The Distorted View of an Abuse Victim

A Distorted View of Reality

When my son was around 9 years old, he apparently needed glasses. We did not know that he needed glasses. He was not aware that things were blurry to him. He thought that what he saw was reality. For example when he looked at trees he saw a green blurry mess. For him this is what trees looked like. He did not know any differently. This was a distorted view of reality, but it was all he knew. He had no way of knowing that what he saw was not reality. So to him it was reality!

When we discovered this, of course we took him to the eye doctor to have his eyes checked. The doctor confirmed that he needed glasses. He put on his new glasses, and we walked outside. He immediately exclaimed, “Wow! The trees have leaves!” For the first time, he could see clearly the individual leaves of the tree. He was so surprised at this and found it to be very enjoyable. Now he was seeing a clear picture of reality.

Check Your Symptoms

Before getting glasses, you might experience bad headaches and not know why. These headaches can cause you to be frustrated and tired. Yet you still do not know where this is all coming from. Kids can even start having bad grades as a result of vision issues. If these things are going on with your child, you start trying to figure out why rather than fuss at them for not being good enough, right?

So take a look at yourself. These are some of the symptoms you need to be checking.

• Do you feel like everything is your fault?

• Do you feel that you are never good enough?

• Do you doubt everything you do, say, or think?

• Do you see yourself as worthless and hopeless?

• Are you losing motivation in life?

• Do you struggle to get out of bed?

• Do you feel you have no purpose in life?

If you are experiencing these symptoms, then you need to start exploring. It may not be from abuse, just like your child might not need glasses. There can be other reasons for headaches and bad grades. And there can be other reasons for your symptoms. One big thing to ask yourself is - Are you especially experiencing these symptoms around one particular person in your life and noAbust around others?

The Distorted View of Abuse Victims

Victims of abuse definitely experience a distorted view of reality. Not physically, like my son’s eyes. Rather, your distorted vision is turned inward. You do feel like everything is your fault and everything is your job to fix. You feel that no matter what you do you are not good enough and never will be. You doubt everything you do, say or think. You see yourself as worthless and  your situation as hopeless. You have an extremely tough time seeing a clear view of reality, and you might not even be aware of it. Your vision is extremely distorted.

A distorted view of reality absolutely affects you physically, mentally, and emotionally. You find yourself with no energy, tired all the time, not feeling well, and all sorts of physical ailments.Yet you do not know why. Your mind goes into hyper-drive until it reaches a point of total exhaustion and shuts down completely. Emotions become too painful to feel anymore. Your relationships suffer. Consequently, you lose all motivation to even function. There seems to be no purpose in life anymore. Building the strength to even get out of bed can prove quite challenging. You easily become more and more isolated from the world, and even from those you love, and yet you continue to blame yourself for all of this. This has a disastrous effect on your life.

Gaining Perspective

You are just like my son, trying to decide if what you are seeing is real or not. Are the trees really a blurry green mess or do they have individual leaves? Are the words on the board at school written with a blurry marker or are they clear? Is all this your fault or have you been manipulated to believe this? Are you completely worthless or is there great value in you?

Our son would never have known he needed glasses if he had not spoken up to someone, anyone. He asked me if I could read the words on the movie screen. “Yes, of course,” I replied. “What does it say?” he asked. I was surprised. “You read it,” I said. He responded, “I can’t. I can’t see the letters.” So the process that lead to contact lenses began.

You also need an outside perspective. You need to open up about what you are going through. Start talking about it. Start asking questions. Don’t keep it inside any longer. Even if your friend or family member doesn’t understand, that’s okay. The more you can talk about your feelings, the sooner you can start getting some clarity on them. Quit assuming that you know all the answers already. Let go of the belief that you can tough your way through this.

You must admit that you need help. There is absolutely no shame in that! Join support groups. Read books on healing from abuse and on mindfulness. You need tools that can help you get a better perspective of what reality is. You have to be able to get out of your own mind and see life from a healthier perspective. Just like you would go to the eye doctor to check your view of reality, don't hesitate to go to a counselor, therapist, psychologist, or any other form of help to check your view of reality.

Keep picturing those blurry green blobs that my son saw as trees. Accept that your own perspective may be every bit as blurry. There is a reason you are here looking for answers. You are not alone on this path! I wish you much peace on your journey of healing!

Others have it much worse than me, shouldn’t I just be grateful?

A Recurring Perspective

One perspective that keeps surfacing from my readers goes something like this, “I read other people’s stories and hear the nightmares they are living. Physical abuse, alcohol and drugs, sex addiction and cheating. Mine simply isn’t that bad. Sure, he gets mean and sharp sometimes, but he is tolerable most of the time. That doesn’t mean he is a narcissist. He often can actually be a very nice guy, as long as we make sure he feels special. Shouldn’t I just be grateful and keep my mouth shut? Shouldn’t I stay in the relationship because it really could be far worse? Maybe I don’t really belong in a support group. Maybe this isn’t even abuse.”

When I hear these things, I start asking them why they ended up in the support group to begin with and what brought them there in the first place. Almost always, they start describing emotional, verbal, and mental abuse. They are beaten down emotionally and mentally. They are confused and exhausted. They feel crazy and want answers. Yet they continue to justify the actions of their abuser, by saying that it really could be worse.

I Used to Say it Too

I totally understand this because I have lived it myself. I know these thoughts personally, “At least he isn’t beating me. I don’t think he would ever hurt me or our boys. I don’t think he is cheating on me. Every marriage has its issues. You know, this could be a whole lot worse. How could this be narcissistic abuse?”

And yet he continued to talk so meanly to the boys and me. He blamed us for everything that ever went wrong and many things that weren’t even wrong to begin with. He verbally and psychologically abused the boys, making them so afraid of ever upsetting him. He never listened to any of us when we tried to explain how he made us feel. He only continued to slaughter us with his tongue, while holding no empathy for his family. We walked on eggshells, always afraid of his anger, for years.

Could things have been worse? Yes, I think someone who is walking on eggshells and terrified for their own life and the lives of their kids is in a worse place. Does that make how we were living okay? Absolutely not!!

Analogy of a Broken Leg

If you have a broken leg, you don’t think, “Well, some people lose their leg, so since it could be worse, I’ll just tough it out and keep my mouth shut about it.” You don’t chose to be grateful and thus not fix your broken leg simply because their situation is worse. This wouldn’t make sense to anyone around you. Your entire family and circle of friends would be all over you to get to the doctor and take care of your leg.

Pain is pain, and healing is needed!

It is, of course, okay to recognize that things could be worse. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being grateful that they aren’t worse. But this doesn’t mean you have to stay or put up with abuse just because it could be worse. This doesn’t even make sense. Yet how many of us rationalize this way? How many of us have family and friends that even try to convince us of this?

Analogy of a School Shooter

If a shooter in one school walks into a classroom and kills just one person, while another in another school kills 30, one of these is clearly worse than the other. However just because the first situation could have been much worse, this does not take away the pain of the family of the one that was killed. That family still suffers and grieves. Their pain is very real. They are greatly affected, and it will take some time to heal.

Because one situation is “worse” also does not take away the fact that both shooters must be held accountable for their actions.  The shooter of the one person will still go to jail and face punishment, as they should. Can you imagine a judge saying, “Well, at least you only killed one. It could have been worse. You are free to go?” What!!! Media would have a heyday with that. I can see the picket lines and rioting already.

No More Justification

I think we could all find someone that we think has a worse situation than we do. That’s okay. There is no need for comparisons here. It is okay to be grateful that your own situation isn’t worse. It is okay to feel compassion for those that are in a worst situation. You also don’t have to pretend that your situation is worse than it is in order to justify leaving.

It is also okay to walk away from your situation and your abuser. Please do not use the justification that it could be worse as a reason to stay in an abusive relationship.

Abuse is abuse, and healing is needed!!

What Happens when a Narcissist Tries to “Fix” that Broken Relationship?

When does a relationship with a narcissist get worse? When that narcissist decides that they must “fix” the relationship. When they decide to “take charge” of making things right. This is a disaster!

What Does “Fix” the Relationship Mean to a Narcissist?

It means:

• They tell you all the things you have ever done wrong so that you can change.

• They tell you all the things that they have ever done right so that you can finally show appreciation.

• They tell you how they have poured so much effort into fixing things and you have done nothing.

• They tell you how great of a person they are and how bad of a person you are.

• They tell you why this is all your fault and your job to change and fix it.

• They make you feel worse and make them look better, you feel bad and they feel good.

• They use everything you say, everything you have said, and everything you have not said against you.

• They circle and deflect, keeping you in the wrong and them in the right, at all times.

• They barely acknowledge your feelings, if at all. But they are the first ones to tell you about how they feel.

When they say things like, “If we all just talk nicer to each other, then we could get along better,” they mean that everyone should talk nicer to them. They hide behind this statement and its deeper meaning. It means, “Everyone talk nicer to me.” They will still talk however they choose to talk. You can’t call them out on it because we all agreed that we would talk nicer, and that’s not being very nice.

Whey they say, “I feel disrespected and lonely,” they mean that you are not doing your job to make me feel good enough about myself. Problem is it isn’t possible for them to feel good about themselves. So no matter how much you do and how genuine your effort is, you will always fail in their eyes.

When They Come Looking for Validation and Compliments

Mine put me on the spot in one of “those” conversations. He asked me, “Can you give me one compliment? One thing you like about me?” This created a problem in me. All these different adjectives went through my head.

• Helpful? No

• Compassionate? No

• Patient? No

• Fun-loving? No

• Kind? No

• Easy to be around? No

• Fun to be around? No

• Easy to talk to? No

• A good father? No

• Happy? No

This list went on and on in my mind. I finally said to him that I was grateful for 2 things. I am extremely happy with the 2 boys that this marriage has given me. They are amazing boys, and i am very proud of them. The other thing is that I am grateful to him for providing for the family so that I could stay home and raise our boys. He responded, “So I am a paycheck to you? And you can’t even come up with one nice thing to say about me?”

I did feel a little bad about not being able to come up with something nice to say about him. So I gave it some more thought later. And even with some time to ponder, I still could not come up with positive and truthful compliments.

Instead the list was:

• Selfish

• Lazy and unmotivated

• Mean and rude

• Quick to anger

• Hard to be around

• Hard to talk to

• Angry

• Harsh and abrupt

They are Not the Relationship Guru

When someone with these characteristics tries to fix their broken relationship, it just doesn’t turn out so well. What I don’t understand is when they have all these negative traits and are missing so many positive ones, then why are we so quick to listen to them and believe them? I assure you that they are not the relationship guru. They do not have all the answers.

Oh….and by the way….when you step in and try to fix the relationship instead, the results are still about the same. They are going to rub your nose in all the things you ever did wrong.It doesn’t matter who starts the conversation, it will end the same way.

You may feel like you have to put effort into fixing the relationship. I understand that. I never tried so hard at anything in my life. I gave it everything I had. You will not find someone more determined than I was at fixing my broken marriage. So put in the effort, and see how it goes. Listen to their words and their attitude. It takes two to fix a broken marriage. If they are laying all the blame on you, then you are playing solo.As long as that is the case, this isn’t fixable.Simply walk away.

From Victim to Survivor to Victor

When you are dealing with a covert narcissist, it is so incredibly hard to see the abuse, especially at first. You may know that something is wrong in the relationship, but you are just as likely to blame yourself as you are to blame your partner. In fact, you are probably more likely to blame yourself. I think all of us begin in denial.

The Denial

“I’m not being abused. This doesn’t apply to my relationship. He’s just…… or she’s just…….” Fill in the blank. Tired, cranky, busy, angry, not feeling well, socially awkward, recovering from an abused childhood, and so on. How many years can these excuses go on? For me, it was 17 years. For others, I have heard as many as 45 years. Excuse after excuse after excuse. At some point, I started to realize that the “He’s just….” was not an excuse but rather a definition of who he was.

If I’m always making excuses for him because he is cranky that day, but it’s every day, at some point I have to realize that cranky is just who he is. That “recovering from an abused childhood” becomes an excuse and a crutch when it explains their bad behavior for years and years. He is never going to get better. He likes his crutches and hides behind them.

The Victim

So the fog started to clear from my mind. I felt like a beaten down puppy, living with a justified owner who could talk to me anyway he pleased without a care in the world. The denial went away, and I ran head first into the realization that I was a victim! It took one visit to a therapist to really get me to see it for myself.

“OH, $^*&^%*&^*&!!! What is really going on here?!?” This realization was incredibly painful! I thought he loved me. I committed my life to him. I thought we were teammates, facing the battles of life together.

As quickly as the clarity came, it would also disappear just as fast. One minute the abuse was clear in my mind. I could see it. I could explain it. But the next minute, it vanished into thin air. I couldn’t grasp it anymore. I couldn’t explain it. Instead I doubted myself and blamed myself, for the millionth time.

But I continued pondering, watching his attitude, listening to his words, observing my feelings and reactions. He was the reason that I felt beat down and insecure. He was the reason my anxiety level and exhaustion were so high. At this point, I found myself all over the board emotionally. I rotated between disbelief, resistance, despair, grief, denial, anger, even rage. This was the roller coaster from hell!

At this point, the need for external validation is incredibly strong! You have received practically no validation from your partner or anyone else up to now. Many victims, including myself, will desperately try to get their partner to see how they are treating them. You want them, so badly, to see the abuse they are dishing out for what it is. Maybe this is in hopes that they will change. Maybe it is because you want them, just once, to finally feel bad about it.

In this stage, anger is strong in the victim. They vent to anyone who will listen. The desire to expose the abuse is huge. Revenge is screaming at their heart. “Look at what they did to me! This isn’t right! It isn’t fair! Look how much it has hurt my children!” Daily, you gather more evidence and more examples of the abuse. You want to scream this from the rooftop!

A problem arises though, your friends and family don’t see it. They don’t understand what you are saying. They don’t agree that you have been abused. They tell you that you are over-reacting or being petty. This is incredibly painful!!! A harder hit than some of the abuse itself. Despair and self-doubt replace the anger.

What do I do now??

The Survivor

The second phase is that of the survivor. When does it hit? It hits when you run out of fuel in the victim phase, when you just have no energy left and can’t take it anymore. This is when you fully realize that they are never going to get it and you stop trying to explain it to them or change them.

Everyone stays in the first phase of being a victim for different lengths of time. How long you stay is based on various factors:

• Your own awareness of the abuse

• Length and intensity of the relationship

• If you have kids with them and the age of the kids

• How hooked you were by their love-bombing

• The extent of your own support group

• How secure or scared you feel about leaving

• How determined you are to change them

• Your willingness or unwillingness to accept that they will never get it and move on

• Your willingness to stand up for yourself

None of these things make you a bad person or the one responsible for the break-down of the relationship. They do however play a huge role in determining the amount of time you remain hooked in the narcissistic relationship. Some people run for their lives early in the relationship, maybe one year in and before marriage or kids. Others, however, remain for decades, as many as 40 or 50 years.

For me, the survivor phase hit when my energy tanked out. I had nothing left inside me. My fuel tank was empty, and I hit rock bottom. I no longer had any desire left to try to explain anything to him. I had tried so hard, and he combatted everything I said, all the time. I was done!

At this point, I realized that this was having a huge effect on my physical health and mental and emotional well-being. So survivor mode kicked in. It was time to quit trying to help him and instead to focus on helping myself. I became completely indifferent to him. I no longer cared what he thought or said. I no longer reacted to his attempts at baiting me. I no longer wanted revenge, as this just kept me trapped in his web. I just wanted out. I later discovered that this is called going Grey Rock. I didn’t know it had a name until much later. For more on grey rock, read my recent post When I told my Covert Narcissist that I was Done

One other gigantic step to move from victim to survivor is to quit gathering evidence of the abuse! This is extremely necessary. Yes, in the beginning, you need to gather the evidence. You need to prove to yourself that you aren’t crazy and that he/she is abusing you. You need to get clarity in why you feel the way you do. But at some point, in order to move forward in your own healing, you have to stop gathering evidence. You need to trust what you have learned and close your case. You must be able to say, “Now, the prosecution rests.”

The realization that they are never going to get it is a tough one, but also a very freeing one. You no longer feel responsible to be the one to show them. It wasn’t my job anymore. I can’t change him, but I can change me. So I started taking steps toward moving one. Everyday I simply did the next right thing, whatever that was. Sometimes they were small things and sometimes they were huge things.

It is easy to get stuck in the victim phase. Move on!! You have much better ways to spend your time and energy. You have other things to think about and do. You have other people that need you in their life. Your thoughts and feelings do matter in this world. They don’t matter to your narcissist. So staying in the victim role, still battling with him/her, will keep you feeling like you don’t matter. You will continue to desperately try to prove that you do. There is life outside of narcissism. Start taking care of you and your family because you deserve it.

The Victor

The Victor phase is amazing!! This is a phase of empowerment and growth. You have truly moved on in life and no longer think about this narcissist thing.

How do you know when you have reached this phase?

• When you no longer wake up every morning with him/her on your mind.

• When the constant internal arguments are gone.

• When you all of a sudden realize that you haven’t thought about him/her in a long time.

• When you realize that you carry positive energy for a change.

Please know that it is impossible to get entirely to the phase of victor if you cannot get him/her completely out of your head. If you are still seeking revenge, you won’t get there. If you are still holding on to the anger, you won’t get there. If you are still checking their social media, you won’t get there. Unfortunately, if you are still raising kids together, you won’t get there….not entirely….not yet.

If you are not quite to this phase yet and want to be, you might ask yourself these questions.

• What would I be thinking about if I wasn’t thinking about him/her and all this narcissistic garbage?

• What would I be doing with my day if he/she had never been a part of it?

• What would I be researching on the internet if I wasn’t googling narcissism, emotional abuse, unhappy marriage, etc?

Find a few things in life that you really enjoy, things that make you feel happy and satisfied. Think about these things. Ponder them and explore them. Learn more about them. Make them a hobby and use them to begin to occupy that time you are trying to fill with other things. Learn about the resources out there. Find others who share this interest. What kind of things? you might ask. I don’t know where to start. Here are a few suggestions: dancing, nature, reading, music, sports, cultural history, photography, a new language. There are so many wonderful options out there.

In this process, pay close attention to your thoughts. They will try to wonder back to all the garbage of your past, especially at first. Don’t sweat that too much. It is that way for everyone. Just be aware of it and purposefully shift your thoughts back to your new positive things to ponder. There are a ton a great resources out there on mindfulness. To get started, check out my Resources page. Give yourself permission to move on and enjoy life once again.

There is life after narcissism!!

How did I know it was time to file for divorce?

I am in a 20 year marriage, and divorce has been coming for a long time. For a few years now, my friends and family have been asking me when I am actually going to file. My answer has always been, “I don’t know, but I am confident that I will know when it is time.” Every day it just didn’t feel right yet. That was okay, because every day I did the next right thing to get me closer to ready. These steps ranged from packing up some sentimental family items that I didn’t want to fight over to taking one of the boys to our trusted and amazing counselor. It included documenting things that had happened that week and even talking with his mom about what was going on. One step at a time, I put things in place, not only for the impending divorce but also for the necessary healing for me and our boys.

My Heart Knew

About 3 weeks ago, the emotional tension in our house hit an all time high. As most of my readers know, we have 2 boys together in this marriage. In August this year, our oldest son went off to college. I was concerned about this change in our household dynamics. As I feared, our youngest son became the new target for my husband. For whatever reason, my husband decided that he now needed to “fix” his relationship with our youngest son. What this means in reality is that our youngest son needs to put more effort into the relationship and make his dad feel better about himself. The conversations that this brings are extremely painful to the victim. You get told that you are to blame for everything and that all the things you have ever done are wrong. Everything you say gets turned around and used against you. You feel absolutely not good enough, completely empty, and painfully worthless.

These conversations were starting to happen on a daily basis. I watched our youngest son as he more and more distanced himself from the world. A wall was going up around his heart and anger was winning. Absolutely not!! Not to my son! Maybe it was time??

I have known for several years that divorce was coming. I have poured EVERY ounce of energy I had into helping this marriage, into trying to connect with my husband on a deeper emotional level in hopes that we could draw closer. I have exhausted every resource I had, plus created some of my own. I reached out to everyone that I thought could help him and us. Nothing ever changed! My hopes have been crushed so many times that I feel like roadkill on the side of the highway. My fuel tank is completely dry.

Then that day came. The first day ever that I felt like the next step was actually to file for divorce. I couldn’t believe it. I always had said that I would know, and somehow now I knew. This was a day that I had been waiting for for years. How did I know? I just knew.

My Body Knew

As this realization came to me, I became aware that even my body had known. You see, about a month earlier, I ran a fever for almost a week. There was no apparent reason. I wasn’t actually sick. I didn’t have a cold or a bug. Each day, I woke up feeling okay, but by the afternoon I had a fever of 102. I drank a ton, took my vitamins and essential oils, slept extra, even took a couple days off work. But nothing was helping. Realizing that I wasn’t going to beat this, I finally went to the doctor. After checking me over, she said, “I’m not sure what this is, but I think you have some type of infection.” She could not figure out why I was running the fever but wanted to put me on antibiotics. The antibiotics immediately took care of it. I finished them out and didn’t think anymore of it.

However over the next few weeks, there were many times that I felt that fever was coming back. The back of my neck and inside of my head felt incredibly hot. I wondered if it was hot flashes. I am approaching that age and have never had those yet. But this feeling of a fever lasted for half a day. I checked my temp often, but it came back normal every time. On the inside, I felt like my blood was boiling. I could feel that fever burning hot. I asked one of my friends multiple times if I felt hot to her. Each time she said no. When I had asked her on repeated days, she finally asked me what was going on. I told her that the fever was back but only on the inside. I really felt like something was starting to be very wrong with my body.

I think I had finally reached a point that my body could not take the stress level anymore. It was reacting and trying to get my attention. If this continued, I believe I really would have paid a high price.

I Listened

So how did I know it was time? I listened to my heart, and I listened to my body. When I went to actually sign the divorce papers, I thought that I might be rather emotional. I really wasn't sure how I would react in that moment. As it turns out, I was not emotional at all. When the time came to sign, my hands were shaky, and my heart was pounding. But I was overwhelmed with a feeling of peace and a sense of relief. I knew it was time!

So where are you on this journey? Are you still fighting for your marriage? For your life? For your kids? I get it. I fought long and hard. Are you counting your days until you can get out? Is divorce hanging over your head?

No matter where you are on that journey, you are not alone! I am so sorry for where you find yourself. It is not a path that you planned or ever imagined would come your way. This is not what you signed up for. It isn’t what you wanted for yourself or your kids. Please continue to reach out for help. Find your support group. There are many out there who have traveled this road ahead of you. There is life after narcissism! Take it one step at a time. Brighter days are ahead for you!

Coming soon is my next post which is how he reacted to my filing for divorce. We are in the whole process now. I have lots to learn, but am still taking it one single step at a time.

Why do narcissists give only misery?

They seem to have the best of intentions. They say they love you. They say they want what is best for you. They say they want peace and happiness with you. Yet, everyone is miserable. Why??

You can only really give that which you have. If all you have inside is misery, then that is really all you can give to others. If you have jealousy, then you give jealousy. If you have anger, then you give anger. Sure you may be able to give glimpses of happiness when you do a favor for someone, but it isn’t sustainable.

If you have joy on the inside, then you give joy. If you have compassion, then you give compassion. If you have peace, then you give peace. Sure, even these people give glimpses of anger and crankiness, but it isn’t sustainable.

A miserable person may truly wish to help others on a deep level. This isn’t a question of good intentions. They may honestly WANT to make other people’s lives better and to serve others. The desire is there and real. They can serve the poor, help the sick, volunteer in hospitals and schools. They can even try to help their children and spouse. They can do chores around the house and do favors for their family. They can try to talk, counsel and give guidance. While some of these “things” may be useful to those around them, it will be shallow and short-lived. A miserable person cannot give genuine compassion to others. They can only give misery.

Again, I’m not saying that they don’t want to give compassion, that they don’t want to help. Some of them truly do. They are simply incapable of it. Many parents want to help their children, but instead are destroying them. Their parents destroyed them with their own misery and now they are destroying their own children with it. Thus misery continues, and the cycle continues.

A miserable person can and often will try to hide their misery. They cover it and mask it. They can do such a great job of this that it stays hidden for decades. They can even go so far as to hide it from themselves quite successfully. But eventually, those closest to them start to recognize that something is wrong. They start to feel uncomfortable and guarded around this person. Often at the beginning, they do not even know why. What is happening is that they are feeling the misery.

In my early marriage, I thought I had found the most wonderful husband ever. He seemed perfect for me. He appeared to really care about me and the world around us. My family loved him, and I loved his family. I felt truly blessed to have found such a great match and thought that we would be incredibly successful together. We got married, and things were great for quite some time.

Yet as the years went by, I began to feel more and more uncomfortable around him. I couldn’t put my finger on why though. I thought it was me. Maybe I wasn’t being loving enough. Maybe I wasn’t be forgiving enough when he hurt my feelings. Maybe I wasn’t trying hard enough. I knew that marriage takes effort. I remember telling myself, “Every marriage has issues. No matter who my husband might be, we would still go through phases of this. So it’s okay, and I just need to keep loving him.”

So I tried harder. But this never got better. In fact, it kept growing. I began to feel miserable around him. I didn’t like the way he talked to me and our boys. He seemed so cold and harsh so often. Yet, he always told me that he loved me and the boys.

I talked with him one day about compassion. He told me that he is an extremely compassionate person. When I questioned this, he got quite adamant about it. He told me that if I am going to tell him that he is not a compassionate person then that was going to make him very unhappy. He was so convinced. So I started asking myself, “If he is such a compassionate person, then what is wrong here?” He clearly “wants” to be a compassionate person.

Years of researching and exploring has opened my eyes. People in healthy relationships don’t spend their time googling words like toxic relationships, narcissism, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and so on.

It is quite simple - miserable people create misery for those closest to them. I realized that my husband desired to create a loving and positive environment, but that he simply wasn’t capable of it. His internal environment was full of turmoil and misery.

If you are in a similar relationship, with a spouse, a parent, a family member, etc, you may be asking yourself, “Do I really believe that they don’t love me?” You may be convinced that they do love you and yet the relationship is full of pitfalls. No, you aren’t crazy! It is very possible that they truly want to love you. They are like the clown that WANTS to cheer everyone up, but just can’t ever get their themselves.

Does this mean you need to have compassion for them, help them and stay with them?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having compassion for them. In fact, I think that is a wonderful and beautiful thing. You have compassion because of your own beauty inside of you.

Should you help them? No, absolutely not. You can’t! They will not hear it from you, and you will go crazy trying. If they are ever going to get help, it cannot come from those closest to them.

Should you stay with them? NO! Their misery is strong and it runs deep in them. Just think about how long it has been there. You can wish them the best and sincerely hope that they get help somewhere, somehow. But that misery will rub off on you if you stay. It is okay to have compassion for them and still leave.

You don’t have to hate them in order to walk away. You can recognize that they want a healthy relationship, but they simply aren’t capable of it. Not only that, they are not able to do the intense work that it will take for them to get there. You don’t have to fix them or this relationship. No one ever said that you have to be their miracle worker!

Narcissists: Is it okay to love them and still walk away?

Is it okay to love them and still walk away?

Absolutely YES!!!

I hear so many people questioning themselves about walking away from abusive relationships. If this is you, please read on.

First let me say, I fully recognize that narcissists and abusive partners can definitely be male or female. For the ease of writing and reading, I am using the “he” pronouns here. Please substitute “she” if your situation calls for that.

Does the following sound familiar to you? You are in a relationship of some sort, marriage or otherwise. Something in your relationship just isn’t right. Maybe you are having a hard time putting your finger on exactly what that is or maybe you have already identified the problems. You don’t like the way your partner treats you. His (or her) words are harsh and uncaring. Maybe he blames you for everything and refuses to take any personal responsibility for his own actions. Maybe he even hits you from time to time.

Yet for some strange reason, you are still in this abusive relationship. Why haven’t you left?? Your friends and family may be asking you that. “Leave,” they tell you. “Just walk away.” To them, it often seems like such a simple decision. You find it surprisingly difficult to explain to them why you haven’t left.

Perhaps you even get resolved in your heart to leave, and once again, that manipulative, crazy-making partner of yours turns all sweet and romantic. He makes himself vulnerable and loving. You may find yourself feeling sorry for him, knowing the abuse in his own background. Clearly he is hurting inside, and you desperately want to care for him.

Making You Crazy

Then all the crazy questions start running through your exhausted mind:

• How can I hate him?

• Do I still love him?

• Why am I feeling this way towards him?

• Is he really that bad of a person?

• Am I just over-reacting?

• Maybe I can help him?

• Will he really change this time?

You start thinking to yourself, “Clearly I still have feelings for him. I still love him. Can I really just walk away? How can I leave him? Is it okay to love him and still walk away?”

The answer is ABSOLUTELY, YES!!

Compassionate Love vs. Romantic Love

There is a huge difference between compassionate love and romantic love. Having compassion for someone does not mean you want to have an intimate relationship with them or spend the rest of your life with them.

Compassionate Love Says:

• I care about you.

• I want you to be happy.

• I wish the best for you.

• I am willing to help you if I can.

• I am sorry that you are hurting.

• I don’t expect anything in return when I show compassion to you.

Romantic Love Says:

• I wake up everyday wanting to spend time with you.

• It feels great to spend time with you.

• You make me feel so happy to be me.

• I enjoy watching you being you.

• I wish the best for you and feel that you wish the best for me too.

• The genuine connection we have goes both ways.

• There is natural give and take as we both have needs and love.

• I know you are there for me when I am hurting and your support feels great.

• You allow me to be there for you when you are hurting.

• We have each other’s backs.

• Though we may have bumps along the way, our relationship is natural and easy.

Don't Confuse Them

Don’t mistake the compassion you feel for a narcissist in your life for romantic love. If you are here reading this, then you are already feeling that something is wrong in your relationship. Listen to your heart. It knows that there is a problem long before the mind does.

Romantic love blossoms when two people can connect with each other with genuineness and mutual compassion. It flourishes when two people can trust each other to the point of being able to lay your heart open for each other and be vulnerable.

When you don’t have that level of trust with each other, then romantic love is forced. You say you have it, but deep in your heart you know that something is missing, that something is wrong.

Powerful Revelation

I recently had a powerful revelation. I don’t have to hate him in order to walk away!!

This was so eye-opening for me, so freeing. He has hurt me so badly over 20 years, and yet I still don’t want to hate him. But I also don't have to wait until I do hate him to justify walking away. I can choose that this is not the relationship for me, that I don't want to feel this way anymore.

I do hope that someday he can get the help he needs, but I no longer feel that I have to wait around until it happens. I don’t have to be the one to find the answers for him. He won’t listen to me anyways. Just because I do wish him the best does not mean that I have to stick around and keep taking all the abuse. We are never going to get to a point of genuine connection and reconciliation.

It is okay to care about him and yet to simply walk away.

Narcissists and Emotions

Narcissists seem to have absolutely no emotional intelligence, inside themselves or with the world around them. The general consensus is that they have no understanding of basic human emotion, especially other people’s emotions. They continuously stomp all over your feelings and don’t show an ounce of care about it. They can talk harshly and callously one minute and be confused as to why you don’t want to make love with them the very next minute. Even when you try to explain it to them, they seem completely incapable of connecting the dots. In fact, just trying to talk with them about it can quickly start you on a never-ending downward spiral of verbal abuse. And again, the next day, it all just disappears, as though it never even happened.

My own teenage son once said to me, “Dad only has two states of emotion, anger or zombie. It’s all I ever see on him.” Genuine happiness, healthy pride in his sons, peaceful conversation with a glass of wine on the patio, these are non-existent. Other emotions that never show up are remorse, regret, compassion, joy, and many more.

I recently watched a video that was extremely helpful to me. It is a youtube video by the Little Shaman titled Stop Explaining to the Narcissist. She explains that the narcissists actually see the world through their own emotions. It just happens to be though that those emotions are generally quite negative and out of control. The narcissist views their own emotions as fact and completely reliable. So if they are feeling negative, which is most of the time, they will see whatever you are doing as negative. If you offer to wash their car, they will find a reason not to trust that. It must mean that you want something, because you can’t be doing it simply out of kindness.

Not only do they question your current actions and words, but those in the past too. An event from the past that might have been fine at the time can become yet another point of trouble in a heartbeat. I’ll give you a personal example. One year for our wedding anniversary, my husband took me to a beautiful restaurant. It was converted from an old farm building out in the country. It was gorgeous. I ordered duck, and that was fantastic! Conversation stayed positive, and we had a very enjoyable evening. We desperately needed some positive time together. I told him several times how much I enjoyed it. He also seemed light-hearted and happy, and I was very glad. I thought we had a great evening, and I genuinely thanked him.

A few days later, however, we were back in one of those circular conversations. You know, the ones where you find yourself defending everything you have ever done or said. He was on the attack over everything he could think of. To my surprise, he told me that I didn’t even appreciate the dinner he took me on the other night. “What are you talking about?” I asked. He responded, “You didn’t like the food, you didn’t like the conversation, you didn’t like the restaurant….you were just unhappy the whole time.” This was a shock to me. I really liked the restaurant and the food. I really appreciated that he kept conversation positive and upbeat. I so badly needed an enjoyable evening out with him.

When I watched this video by Little Shaman, this situation made sense to me now. In her words, “Events viewed through the lense of emotion are altered by the narcissist in order to fit the emotion. If they are angry at you, everything you do will be perceived negatively no matter what it is. Even things you did in the past that were okay at the time are now viewed through this lense and found to be evil. The narcissist’s “truth” changes with their emotions.”

My narcissistic husband was not remembering clearly how the evening had gone. He was only viewing it through his current negative emotions. Since right this minute he was angry and upset, then that evening must have been negative too. Everything can turn bad in the blink of an eye, leaving you rather perplexed and confused.

Most people realize that feelings are unreliable, unpredictable and fleeting. Our emotions shift around constantly and sometimes rather abruptly. The way we feel often does not make sense and is not based on thought or logic. Thus we do not rely fully on our feelings to view the world around us. This is not true with narcissists. They rely 100% on their feelings, and those feelings come from a lifetime of internal abuse and negativity. They believe these feelings and thus believe that all of the world is against them. They expect to be treated badly and will find it in every situation. Trying to rationally explain things to them is crazy-making. They are not interested in rational thinking and reality. They only care that their feelings have been hurt, no matter whether that is justified or not.

In essence, due to the enormous amount of internal negativity they carry, narcissists do not know how to feel loved and cared for. They do not know how to have a positive connection with someone. It does not matter whether it is you or someone else. They cannot have that kind of connection with anyone. They simply aren’t capable of it.

To watch the entire video by the Little Shaman, follow this link. It is well worth your time.