Parenting the Parent: How Covert Narcissists Steal Childhoods and How to Heal

Understanding the Dynamic

Were you forced to grow up too soon? Did you feel responsible for managing your parent’s emotions, household duties, or even their well-being? If so, you may have experienced parentification, a term that describes when a child takes on the role of a parent—either emotionally or physically—due to their caregiver’s unmet responsibilities.

For adult children of covert narcissists, this experience is all too common. Instead of being nurtured, they were expected to provide emotional support, household management, and even emotional regulation for their narcissistic parent. Many survivors express feelings like:

🔹 “I had to grow up too fast.”
🔹 “I carried responsibilities that were beyond my years.”
🔹 “My childhood was stolen from me.”

But what exactly is parentification, and how does it impact those who experience it?

What is Parentification?

Parentification occurs when a child is burdened with responsibilities that exceed their developmental capacity. This happens when a caregiver is emotionally or physically absent, neglectful, or incapable of fulfilling their parental role. It manifests in two key ways:

• Instrumental Parentification: The child takes on practical caregiving tasks such as cooking, cleaning, or managing household responsibilities.

• Emotional Parentification: The child becomes their parent’s confidant, therapist, or emotional support system.

While it’s normal for kids to help with household chores, it’s not normal for them to be responsible for managing their parent’s life, taking care of their siblings full-time, or being the emotional crutch for a struggling adult.

Real-Life Examples of Parentification

Many adult children of covert narcissists can relate to these experiences:

Becoming the Emotional Support System

"I remember sitting with my mom while she cried about her life, her job, her marriage. She told me things no child should hear—how unhappy she was, how she regretted her choices. I didn’t understand, but I felt responsible for making her feel better."

Instead of enjoying childhood, they were burdened with adult emotions and responsibilities.

Managing the Household

• Cooking dinner every night

• Ensuring siblings completed their homework

• Cleaning the house

• Taking care of a parent who was passed out from alcohol or exhaustion

• Putting siblings to bed and assuring them that everything would be okay

Years later, many survivors realize: "I practically raised my siblings. I wish I had just been their brother or sister, not their parent."

Keeping the Peace in the Home

• Acting as the negotiator between parents

• Protecting one parent from the other

• Becoming a people-pleaser to avoid conflict

Making Our Parents Look Good

• Getting good grades to make the parent feel accomplished

• Excelling in sports to win approval

• Behaving perfectly in public to avoid embarrassment

Without realizing it, many children of narcissists become an extension of their parent’s ego, rather than being valued for who they truly are.

The Impact of a Covert Narcissistic Parent

A Stolen Childhood

Many survivors describe the loss of a childhood filled with joy and exploration. Instead of playing and making mistakes like normal kids, they were expected to act like mini-adults.

One survivor shared:
"I didn’t have a childhood. I was too busy trying to be perfect to win my dad’s approval."

Even years later, some find themselves reclaiming childhood joys they never got to experience.

Emotional Scar Tissue

Even after healing, many survivors describe an emotional residue—reminders of the trauma that shaped them:

• Words that linger: “You’re too sensitive.” “You’re worthless.”

• Triggers from childhood wounds: Feeling uncomfortable even in moments of peace, because they were conditioned to expect chaos.

• Hyper-awareness of their own flaws: A voice in their head constantly telling them they’re not good enough.

One survivor recalled how, years later, he struggled with self-worth because his father used to berate him for something as simple as the sound of his footsteps.

Difficulty Trusting Self and Others

• Low self-esteem

• Chronic self-blame

• Constantly second-guessing their own judgment

• Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions

• Fear of being manipulated again

After years of gaslighting and emotional neglect, many survivors develop a deep fear of trust and connection.

Parenting Struggles

Those who become parents themselves often battle:

• Fear of repeating the same patterns they grew up with

• Overcompensating by being too permissive

• Struggling to set healthy boundaries

• Unintentionally allowing toxic family members to impact their parenting decisions

Many survivors of covert narcissistic abuse cut ties with toxic parents to protect their own children from experiencing the same cycle.

One parent shared: “If I had not left this marriage, my relationship with my kids would have ended.”

Healing from Parentification and Covert Narcissistic Abuse

Breaking free from the trauma of a covert narcissistic parent is not easy, but it is possible. Here are some steps to begin healing:

1️⃣ Recognize That It Wasn’t Your Fault

You were forced into a role you never should have been in. A child is not responsible for managing a parent’s emotions or responsibilities.

2️⃣ Grieve the Childhood You Lost

It’s okay to mourn what should have been. Give yourself the space to acknowledge the pain and release the guilt that was never yours to carry.

3️⃣ Set Boundaries with Toxic Family Members

You are not obligated to continue parenting your parent as an adult. Limiting or cutting contact with toxic parents can be necessary for your mental health.

4️⃣ Reparent Yourself

Give yourself the love, compassion, and care you didn’t receive as a child. This can look like:

• Speaking to yourself with kindness

• Allowing yourself to play and explore hobbies

• Surrounding yourself with people who validate and respect you

5️⃣ Seek Support

Healing is a journey, and you don’t have to do it alone. Consider:

• Therapy or coaching to work through childhood trauma

• Support groups for survivors of narcissistic abuse

• Educating yourself about narcissistic behavior to break free from toxic patterns

You Deserve to Heal

It is painful to look back and see how much was stolen from you, but you are not alone in this journey. Healing takes time, and the fact that you’re reading this means you’re already taking steps toward reclaiming your life.

Take those lessons you’ve learned and turn them into wisdom, strength, and a new beginning. Your childhood may have been stolen, but your future belongs to you.

Your story matters, and you deserve to be heard without judgment.

Victim Blaming: The Silent Weapon Against Survivors of Covert Narcissism

Imagine mustering the courage to share your deepest pain, the struggles you face daily in your marriage, and the emotional despair that has consumed you. Instead of finding empathy, you’re met with questions and statements like:

• "Why don’t you just leave?"

• "Maybe you’re the problem."

• "You shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place."

These aren’t just hurtful—they’re devastating. Victim blaming silences survivors, reinforces the abuser’s control, and deepens the emotional wounds of covert narcissistic abuse. Instead of empathy and understanding, you hear accusations, judgments, and dismissive comments. This is the last thing you need and can push you even further into loneliness, hopelessness and despair.

No one understands! No one gets it! No one cares!

What is Victim Blaming?

Victim blaming occurs when others hold the victim responsible for the abuse they are receiving or minimize their experiences. This harmful mindset often stems from a lack of understanding about the dynamics of covert narcissistic abuse.

Victim blaming shows up in many forms:

• Dismissive statements: "It’s not that bad."

• Judgmental accusations: "Why didn’t you just communicate better?"

• Insults: "You’re just being dramatic."

• Invalidation: "You’re overreacting."

These comments don’t just sting—they perpetuate the psychological damage victims already endure.

How Victim Blaming Hurts Survivors

1. It Silences Victims

When survivors face judgment instead of support, they often retreat into silence, fearing further pain. Already feeling lonely, they are now convinced that they are on this journey completely alone. This isolation makes it even harder to seek help and begin healing.

2. It Deepens Self-Doubt

Covert narcissism thrives on gaslighting and manipulation. Victims already struggle with questions like:

• "Am I overreacting?"

• "Is this really abuse?"

Hearing phrases like "This is your fault" amplifies their inner conflict and erodes their confidence.

3. It Invalidates the Experience

Statements like "Why didn’t you leave?" or "Just get over it" dismiss the complexity of abusive relationships. Survivors feel invisible and misunderstood. This situation is already impossible to put to words. Unreceptive ears only magnifies this maddening situation.

4. It Reinforces the Abuser’s Control

Victim blaming echoes the abuser’s narrative: "You’re the problem." This reinforces the power imbalance, making it even harder for the victim to break free.

Why Do People Victim Blame?

1. Discomfort with Complexity
   Covert narcissistic abuse is nuanced and difficult to understand. Simplifying it by blaming the victim feels easier than confronting the painful reality of manipulation.

2. Projection of Personal Beliefs
   Comments like "You’re just a drama queen" or "This is why men shouldn’t get married" often reflect the speaker’s own biases or frustrations, not the survivor’s reality.

3. Desire for Control
   Blaming the victim provides a false sense of security: "If I avoid their mistakes, this won’t happen to me."

How to Respond to Victim Blaming

1. Recognize It’s About Them, Not You

Victim-blaming comments reveal the commenter’s ignorance or discomfort—not your truth.

2. Seek Safe Spaces

Share your story with trusted friends, support groups, or a therapist who listens without judgment.

3. Educate Where You Can

If you feel safe, use these moments to spread awareness. For example:

• "Covert narcissism is designed to trap you emotionally, making leaving seem impossible."

• "It’s not about a lack of communication; it’s about a lack of respect and empathy from the abuser."

4. Focus on Your Healing

Redirect your energy from defending yourself to nurturing your well-being. You are not defined by others’ misunderstandings.

A Message to Survivors

If you’ve faced victim blaming, hear this: It’s not your fault. The responsibility for abuse lies solely with the abuser, not you.

You are not weak for staying. You are brave for surviving. You deserve compassion, understanding, and support as you heal.

Encouraging Empathy: A Message to Listeners

If you’ve ever judged a survivor or questioned their choices, consider this:

• Do you fully understand their situation?

• Are you offering support or adding to their pain?

• How would you want someone to respond if you were in their shoes?

Empathy can make a world of difference. Listening without judgment and validating someone’s feelings can be the first step toward helping them heal.

Let’s Shift the Narrative

Victim blaming adds to the wounds of those already suffering. Together, we can change that. Let’s create a world where survivors feel seen, heard, and supported.

If this blog resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it. Your story matters, and you deserve to be heard without judgment.

Ready to take the next step in your healing journey? Check out my coaching services. And don’t forget to subscribe for more empowering content.

I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing!