Parenting the Parent: How Covert Narcissists Steal Childhoods and How to Heal

Understanding the Dynamic

Were you forced to grow up too soon? Did you feel responsible for managing your parent’s emotions, household duties, or even their well-being? If so, you may have experienced parentification, a term that describes when a child takes on the role of a parent—either emotionally or physically—due to their caregiver’s unmet responsibilities.

For adult children of covert narcissists, this experience is all too common. Instead of being nurtured, they were expected to provide emotional support, household management, and even emotional regulation for their narcissistic parent. Many survivors express feelings like:

🔹 “I had to grow up too fast.”
🔹 “I carried responsibilities that were beyond my years.”
🔹 “My childhood was stolen from me.”

But what exactly is parentification, and how does it impact those who experience it?

What is Parentification?

Parentification occurs when a child is burdened with responsibilities that exceed their developmental capacity. This happens when a caregiver is emotionally or physically absent, neglectful, or incapable of fulfilling their parental role. It manifests in two key ways:

• Instrumental Parentification: The child takes on practical caregiving tasks such as cooking, cleaning, or managing household responsibilities.

• Emotional Parentification: The child becomes their parent’s confidant, therapist, or emotional support system.

While it’s normal for kids to help with household chores, it’s not normal for them to be responsible for managing their parent’s life, taking care of their siblings full-time, or being the emotional crutch for a struggling adult.

Real-Life Examples of Parentification

Many adult children of covert narcissists can relate to these experiences:

Becoming the Emotional Support System

"I remember sitting with my mom while she cried about her life, her job, her marriage. She told me things no child should hear—how unhappy she was, how she regretted her choices. I didn’t understand, but I felt responsible for making her feel better."

Instead of enjoying childhood, they were burdened with adult emotions and responsibilities.

Managing the Household

• Cooking dinner every night

• Ensuring siblings completed their homework

• Cleaning the house

• Taking care of a parent who was passed out from alcohol or exhaustion

• Putting siblings to bed and assuring them that everything would be okay

Years later, many survivors realize: "I practically raised my siblings. I wish I had just been their brother or sister, not their parent."

Keeping the Peace in the Home

• Acting as the negotiator between parents

• Protecting one parent from the other

• Becoming a people-pleaser to avoid conflict

Making Our Parents Look Good

• Getting good grades to make the parent feel accomplished

• Excelling in sports to win approval

• Behaving perfectly in public to avoid embarrassment

Without realizing it, many children of narcissists become an extension of their parent’s ego, rather than being valued for who they truly are.

The Impact of a Covert Narcissistic Parent

A Stolen Childhood

Many survivors describe the loss of a childhood filled with joy and exploration. Instead of playing and making mistakes like normal kids, they were expected to act like mini-adults.

One survivor shared:
"I didn’t have a childhood. I was too busy trying to be perfect to win my dad’s approval."

Even years later, some find themselves reclaiming childhood joys they never got to experience.

Emotional Scar Tissue

Even after healing, many survivors describe an emotional residue—reminders of the trauma that shaped them:

• Words that linger: “You’re too sensitive.” “You’re worthless.”

• Triggers from childhood wounds: Feeling uncomfortable even in moments of peace, because they were conditioned to expect chaos.

• Hyper-awareness of their own flaws: A voice in their head constantly telling them they’re not good enough.

One survivor recalled how, years later, he struggled with self-worth because his father used to berate him for something as simple as the sound of his footsteps.

Difficulty Trusting Self and Others

• Low self-esteem

• Chronic self-blame

• Constantly second-guessing their own judgment

• Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions

• Fear of being manipulated again

After years of gaslighting and emotional neglect, many survivors develop a deep fear of trust and connection.

Parenting Struggles

Those who become parents themselves often battle:

• Fear of repeating the same patterns they grew up with

• Overcompensating by being too permissive

• Struggling to set healthy boundaries

• Unintentionally allowing toxic family members to impact their parenting decisions

Many survivors of covert narcissistic abuse cut ties with toxic parents to protect their own children from experiencing the same cycle.

One parent shared: “If I had not left this marriage, my relationship with my kids would have ended.”

Healing from Parentification and Covert Narcissistic Abuse

Breaking free from the trauma of a covert narcissistic parent is not easy, but it is possible. Here are some steps to begin healing:

1️⃣ Recognize That It Wasn’t Your Fault

You were forced into a role you never should have been in. A child is not responsible for managing a parent’s emotions or responsibilities.

2️⃣ Grieve the Childhood You Lost

It’s okay to mourn what should have been. Give yourself the space to acknowledge the pain and release the guilt that was never yours to carry.

3️⃣ Set Boundaries with Toxic Family Members

You are not obligated to continue parenting your parent as an adult. Limiting or cutting contact with toxic parents can be necessary for your mental health.

4️⃣ Reparent Yourself

Give yourself the love, compassion, and care you didn’t receive as a child. This can look like:

• Speaking to yourself with kindness

• Allowing yourself to play and explore hobbies

• Surrounding yourself with people who validate and respect you

5️⃣ Seek Support

Healing is a journey, and you don’t have to do it alone. Consider:

• Therapy or coaching to work through childhood trauma

• Support groups for survivors of narcissistic abuse

• Educating yourself about narcissistic behavior to break free from toxic patterns

You Deserve to Heal

It is painful to look back and see how much was stolen from you, but you are not alone in this journey. Healing takes time, and the fact that you’re reading this means you’re already taking steps toward reclaiming your life.

Take those lessons you’ve learned and turn them into wisdom, strength, and a new beginning. Your childhood may have been stolen, but your future belongs to you.

Your story matters, and you deserve to be heard without judgment.

Unmasking Narcissism

Imagine a tornado ripping through a peaceful countryside. The tornado itself remains intact, untouched by its own ferocity. Yet everything in its path—homes, trees, lives—is left in ruins. The closer something is to the tornado’s core, the greater the destruction it endures. The storm doesn’t care about the devastation it leaves behind; it simply moves forward, consuming and discarding as it pleases.

This is the essence of a narcissist’s impact on those around them. Like a tornado, a narcissist rarely sees or acknowledges the harm they cause. Their words, actions, and manipulation wreak havoc on the lives closest to them. The deeper the relationship, the more vulnerable you are to the emotional, psychological, or even physical destruction they leave in their wake. Yet, like the tornado, the narcissist moves on, seemingly unscathed.

Understanding this dynamic is essential in recognizing the patterns of narcissistic behavior and protecting yourself from its impact. Today, we’ll explore the different types of narcissism and clear up the prevailing confusion about covert narcissism.

Categories of Narcissism

Grandiose Narcissism

Traits: Inflated self-image, entitlement, arrogance, and a need for admiration

Core Motivation: Desire for superiority and power

Vulnerable Narcissism

Traits: Fragile self-esteem, hypersensitivity to criticism, introverted, and full of self-pity

Core Motivation: Desire for validation, sympathy and attention

Malignant Narcissism

Traits: Combines traits of narcissism with antisocial behavior, sadism, and paranoia

Core Motivation: Desire for control and domination over others

Communal Narcissism

Traits: A focus on being seen as altruistic, caring, and socially responsible

Core Motivation: Desire to be admired for being a "good person"

Somatic Narcissism

Traits: Focus on physical appearance, fitness, or sexual prowess

Core Motivation: Desire to be admired for physical attractiveness

Cerebral Narcissism

Traits: Belief in intellectual superiority and disdain for "less intelligent" people

Core Motivation: Desire to be admired for mental capabilities

You will notice that I did not mention covert narcissism. Covert narcissism is not its own category. Covert narcissistic traits can be a part of any of these categories of narcissism. It is a description of how these categories of narcissism show up. Let me explain in more detail.

Grandiose Narcissism

Traits: Inflated self-image, entitlement, arrogance, and a need for admiration

Identifying Signs: Seeking attention, exaggerating achievements, and dominating conversations

Core Motivation: Validation of superiority and power

Overt Behaviors of a Grandiose Narcissist

1. Bragging About Accomplishments:

• “I closed the biggest deal in the company’s history. This is the best deal this company has ever had. There has never been a bigger deal. No one else could’ve pulled it off like I did.”

• They openly boast about achievements to seek admiration.

2. Dominating Conversations:

• Interrupting others with, “Hold on, let me tell you how I handled this situation. It was perfect,” steering all attention back to themselves and their greatness.

3. Demanding Special Treatment:

• Skipping lines at an event because they “know someone important” or claiming, “People like me don’t wait in line.”

4. Dismissing Others’ Feelings:

• Responding to someone’s struggles with, “Why are you upset? Look at everything I’ve done for you. You should be the happiest with me.”

5. Outbursts When Criticized:

• Yelling or belittling someone who points out a mistake, “You clearly don’t understand how much I contribute.”

Covert Behaviors of a Grandiose Narcissist

1. Passive-Aggressive Manipulation:

• Saying, “It must be nice to have all the free time you do. I’m always working so hard,” laying guilt and blame on you and pushing you to express your gratitude.

2. Feigning Humility to Fish for Compliments:

• “I don’t think I’m that great of a speaker,” when clearly they do think they are. They are fishing for responses such as, “Are you kidding? You’re incredible!”

3. Subtle Undermining of Others:

• “Your presentation was good, but next time you might want to try a more professional tone like I do.”

4. Exhibiting Jealousy:

• “You sure do get a lot of attention. No one ever appreciates all the hard work I put in,” to elicit praise and admiration and get all the attention back on them.

5. Backhanded Compliments:

• “It’s impressive you achieved that, especially with your background,” to solidify their superiority over you.

While overt behaviors of a grandiose narcissist are bold, loud, and attention-seeking, covert behaviors are more subtle but equally manipulative. Both styles aim to maintain their sense of superiority and gain admiration, either through blatant self-promotion or by quietly eliciting sympathy and validation.

2. Vulnerable Narcissism (a.k.a. Covert Narcissism)

Traits: Fragile self-esteem, no one ever appreciates them enough, hypersensitive to criticism, and full of self-pity

Identifying Signs: Passive-aggressive tendencies, withdrawal from challenges, and harboring resentment and anger

Core Motivation: Desire for validation, sympathy and attention, to the point of being coddled. Driven by an avoidance of shame and fear of rejection and abandonment

Overt Behaviors of a Vulnerable Narcissist

1. Openly Complaining About Being Misunderstood:

• “No one ever sees how hard I work. Everyone is always against me no matter what I do.”

• “I can’t believe I’m being treated like this. No one has it as hard as I do.”

2. Expressing Extreme Sensitivity and Defensiveness:

• “Why are you attacking me? I can’t believe you’d say that when I’m trying my best.”

• “It’s not my fault that I don’t know what you want from me.”

3. Demonstrating Obvious Self-Pity:

• “I always give so much, but no one ever does anything for me.”

4. Overtly Seeking Reassurance:

• Constantly asking, “Do you think I’m doing a good job? I feel like I’m just not good enough,” to elicit compliments and attention.

5. Lashing Out When Overwhelmed:

• Snapping at you, “You don’t even care about how much I’m struggling. You only think about yourself.”

Covert Behaviors of a Vulnerable Narcissist

1. Sulking to Gain Sympathy and Attention:

• Huffing, sighing to gain your sympathy and care or to guilt 

2. Quietly Holding Grudges or Resentments:

• Remaining silent but acting cold or distant toward you to “teach you a lesson.”

3. Subtle Guilt-Tripping:

• “I guess I’m just not as important to you as your other friend, but I hope you have a good time. I’ll just sit at home tonight and do nothing.”

4. Undermining your Successes:

• “Oh, I’m happy for you, but honestly, I don’t think I could ever take that much credit for something so simple,” to knock you down a few notches

5. Seeking Validation Through Self-Deprecation:

• “I know I’m not as talented as you are, but at least I try,” designed to elicit reassurances like, “What? You’re amazing!”

• “Clearly I’m just a horrible person.” Now you feel bad for saying anything at all and work to convince them otherwise.

Key Takeaway

While overt behaviors of a vulnerable narcissist tend to focus on obvious expressions of insecurity and sensitivity, covert behaviors are subtler and designed to elicit sympathy, attention, or validation without openly asking for it. Both styles are rooted in their fragile self-esteem and desire to feel valued or admired.

3. Malignant Narcissism

Traits: Combines traits of narcissism with antisocial behavior, sadism, and paranoia

Identifying Signs: Exploitation, manipulation, and a lack of empathy or remorse

Core Motivation: Desire for control and domination over others

Overt Behaviors of a Malignant Narcissist

1. Blatant Intimidation and Threats:

• “If you don’t do what I say, you’ll regret it. I can make your life a living hell.”

• They openly use fear to control others.

2. Publicly Humiliating Others:

• Criticizing or mocking a coworker in front of others, saying, “Why don’t you try doing something right for once?”

• They derive satisfaction from degrading others.

3. Exploitation Without Remorse:

• Forcing someone to work overtime and then taking credit for their results, bragging, “I run this place like a machine.”

• They overtly use others as tools to elevate themselves.

4. Aggressive Displays of Power:

• Boasting about connections or resources they could use to ruin someone’s reputation: “I know people who could make sure you never work in this town again.”

5. Outright Denial of Harmful Actions:

• After being caught in a lie or harmful act, responding with, “Prove it. You’re just trying to make me look bad.”

Covert Behaviors of a Malignant Narcissist

1. Undermining Others Privately:

• Spreading subtle but damaging rumors about a colleague to erode their credibility, such as, “I’ve heard they’re really unreliable. You might want to double-check their work.”

• They sabotage others without being obvious.

2. Feigning Concern to Manipulate:

• Pretending to be worried about someone\u2019s well-being while gathering personal information to use against them later: “Are you okay? You seemed really off during that meeting.”

• They mask malice with false empathy.

3. Gaslighting to Control Perception:

• “You’re imagining things. I never said that,” or, “You’re overreacting. You’re too sensitive.”

• They subtly distort reality to make others doubt their own experiences.

4. Weaponizing Vulnerabilities:

• Gaining someone’s trust by acting supportive, only to use their shared secrets against them later: “Remember what you told me about your financial issues? You really can’t afford to lose this job.”

• They exploit others’ trust to maintain control.

5. Playing the Victim to Avoid Accountability:

• “I’m always the bad guy, no matter what I do. Everyone’s out to get me,” after being called out for hurtful behavior.

• They deflect criticism by eliciting sympathy.

Key Takeaway

• Overt behaviors of a malignant narcissist are aggressive, domineering, and unapologetically harmful, designed to assert power and control in obvious ways.

• Covert behaviors are more insidious, involving subtle manipulation, gaslighting, and exploitation that allow them to harm others while maintaining a facade of innocence or concern.

Both styles reflect their lack of empathy and their drive to dominate and manipulate for personal gain, often leaving significant emotional and psychological damage in their wake.

4. Communal Narcissism

Traits: A focus on being seen as altruistic, caring, and socially responsible

Identifying Signs: Highlighting their contributions, moral grandstanding, and expecting recognition for their "generosity"

Core Motivation: Desire of admiration for being a "good person"

Overt Behaviors of a Communal Narcissist

1. Boasting About Good Deeds:

• “I organized that charity event all by myself. It wouldn’t have been a success without me.”

• They openly draw attention to their contributions to gain recognition.

2. Seeking Public Praise for Altruism:

• Posting on social media about a donation with captions like, “Making the world a better place, one step at a time! #BlessedToGive.”

• They thrive on public admiration for their supposed selflessness.

3. Comparing Themselves to Others to Feel Superior:

• “I don’t understand how people can be so selfish. I spend all my time helping others.”

• They emphasize their altruism by belittling others’ perceived lack of generosity.

4. Taking Credit for Group Efforts:

• “That project wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t stepped in to organize everything.”

• They dominate collaborative work to ensure they’re seen as the hero.

5. Using Charity to Gain Power or Influence:

• “Since I donated the most money, I think I should have the final say in how the funds are used.”

• Their “generosity” is often a means to exert control.

Covert Behaviors of a Communal Narcissist

1. Subtly Expecting Gratitude or Recognition:

• “I went out of my way to help you, but I guess some people don’t appreciate kindness these days.”

• They indirectly guilt others into acknowledging their efforts.

2. Downplaying Their True Motives:

• “Oh, it was nothing, really. I just enjoy helping others,” while secretly hoping for admiration.

• They use humility as a strategy to elicit praise.

3. Weaponizing Generosity:

• “After everything I’ve done for you, I can’t believe you’re treating me this way.”

• They remind others of their good deeds to manipulate or control them.

4. Undermining Others While Feigning Morality:

• “I just want to help them improve, but honestly, they don’t care about people as much as I do.”

• They subtly criticize others under the guise of being helpful or concerned.

5. Overstepping Boundaries in the Name of Helping:

• Taking over someone’s personal responsibilities and saying, “I only did it because I care so much about you,” while ignoring their wishes.

• They impose their assistance to appear indispensable and gain control.

Key Takeaway

• Overt behaviors of a communal narcissist involve obvious self-promotion of their altruism and moral superiority to gain admiration and influence.

• Covert behaviors are subtler and include guilt-tripping, manipulation, and feigned humility to elicit validation while maintaining a selfless facade.

Both styles reflect their underlying need for recognition and validation, often making their relationships feel transactional and emotionally draining.

5. Somatic Narcissism

Traits: Focus on physical appearance, fitness, or sexual prowess

Identifying Signs: Excessive preoccupation with body image and constant need for compliments about appearance

Core Motivation: Desire of affirmation for physical attractiveness as a source of worth

Overt Behaviors of a Somatic Narcissist

1. Constantly Flaunting Their Appearance:

• Regularly posting selfies with captions like, “Woke up like this #NaturalBeauty” or “Gym gains paying off!”

• They openly seek admiration for their physical attributes.

2. Bragging About Sexual Conquests:

• Telling friends, “I can get anyone I want. People just can’t resist me.”

• They boast about their desirability and sexual success to reinforce their self-image.

3. Criticizing Others’ Appearances:

• “She would look so much better if she just took care of herself like I do.”

• They diminish others to elevate their own sense of physical superiority.

4. Obsessing Over Fashion and Trends:

• “I only wear designer brands because I know how to present myself,” or emphasizing the cost of their wardrobe.

• They use material symbols of beauty to seek admiration.

5. Seeking Validation Through Public Performance:

• Making a spectacle at the gym or a dance floor to attract attention, saying afterward, “Did you see how everyone was watching me?”

• They crave overt acknowledgment of their physical prowess.

Covert Behaviors of a Somatic Narcissist

1. Fishing for Compliments:

• Saying, “I feel so out of shape lately,” while clearly expecting someone to reassure them, “What? You look amazing!”

• They subtly elicit praise for their appearance without directly asking.

2. Passive-Aggressively Highlighting Their Attractiveness:

• “I don’t know why people always stare at me when I walk into a room—it’s so awkward.”

• They indirectly point out their desirability to others.

3. Using Health or Fitness to Gain Sympathy or Attention:

• “I’ve been working so hard on my diet and fitness, but no one seems to notice,” while hoping for validation.

• They draw attention to their efforts without being overtly boastful.

4. Belittling Others Subtly:

• “Oh, you look great! I’d never be brave enough to wear something like that.”

• They frame their remarks as compliments but imply superiority.

5. Sexual Manipulation:

• Quietly leveraging their sexual desirability to gain favors or maintain control, such as flirting to get what they want or make others jealous.

• They use sexuality as a subtle tool for power and validation.

Key Takeaway

• Overt behaviors of a somatic narcissist are bold and direct, focusing on flaunting their appearance, health, or sexuality to gain admiration.

• Covert behaviors are subtler, using passive-aggression, fishing for compliments, or subtle manipulations to achieve the same goal without appearing overly self-centered.

Both styles revolve around their physicality and leave those around them feeling compared, objectified, or undervalued.

6. Cerebral Narcissism

Traits: Belief in intellectual superiority and disdain for "less intelligent" people

Identifying Signs: Overly analytical, condescending, and prone to intellectual debates to showcase intelligence

Core Motivation: Desire of validation for mental capabilities

Overt Behaviors of a Cerebral Narcissist

1. Boasting About Their Intelligence:

• “I have a higher IQ than most people I know, so I usually end up being the smartest person in the room.”

• They openly highlight their intellectual superiority.

2. Talking Down to Others:

• “I can explain it to you in simpler terms since this is probably over your head.”

• They demean others to assert their intellectual dominance.

3. Dominating Conversations with Theories or Facts:

• Hijacking a casual discussion to give an in-depth, unasked-for lecture: “Actually, if you look at the data, what you’re saying doesn’t make any sense.”

• They insist on showing off their knowledge.

4. Discrediting Others’ Opinions:

• “Your argument is so flawed, I don’t even know where to begin correcting you.”

• They invalidate others to appear infallible.

5. Claiming to Be an Authority on Many Topics:

• “I’ve read every book on the subject, so I know more about this than anyone here.”

• They present themselves as the ultimate expert, regardless of the topic.

Covert Behaviors of a Cerebral Narcissist

1. Subtly Undermining Others’ Ideas:

• “That’s an interesting perspective, but have you considered how oversimplified it is?”

• They frame their criticism as intellectual guidance while quietly dismissing others.

2. Feigning Humility to Elicit Praise:

• “I don’t know why people keep asking for my advice—I’m not that brilliant,” while expecting responses like, “Are you kidding? You’re a genius!”

• They use self-deprecation to provoke admiration.

3. Gaslighting Through Intellectual Manipulation:

• “If you really understood this topic, you wouldn’t be confused right now,” implying the other person is less intelligent for questioning them.

• They use complex language or ideas to make others feel inferior.

4. Withholding Information to Maintain Power:

• Keeping key details to themselves in a group project and later revealing them to demonstrate their superior knowledge: “Oh, I thought everyone knew that—guess it’s up to me to fix it.”

• They maintain control by ensuring others depend on their expertise.

5. Passive-Aggressively Highlighting Their Achievements:

• “It’s funny how people with advanced degrees like mine are often misunderstood.”

• They subtly draw attention to their credentials without appearing overtly boastful.

Key Takeaway

• Overt behaviors of a cerebral narcissist are direct, focusing on flaunting their intellect, belittling others, and dominating intellectual spaces to gain admiration.

• Covert behaviors involve subtle manipulations, passive-aggressive remarks, and intellectual gaslighting to quietly establish their superiority while appearing unassuming.

Both styles reflect their fixation on being seen as the smartest or most knowledgeable person, often leaving those around them feeling dismissed, devalued, or intellectually inadequate.

Conclusion

Narcissism exists on a spectrum and can manifest differently in individuals. Traits from multiple types of narcissism may be present in the same individual. Root causes often involve a mix of genetics, childhood experiences, and environmental influences. Each type of narcissism can present with overt traits, covert traits, or a combination of both.

As always, this information is for educational purposes only. I am not in the business of diagnosing anyone. This information should not be used to diagnose. That requires trained professionals in the field. 

Understanding the different types and manifestations of narcissism can aid in developing effective coping strategies, workarounds, or even interventions. I offer both individual and small group coaching for help in devising these strategies and workarounds for your specific situation. 

www.covertnarcissism.com

Victim Blaming: The Silent Weapon Against Survivors of Covert Narcissism

Imagine mustering the courage to share your deepest pain, the struggles you face daily in your marriage, and the emotional despair that has consumed you. Instead of finding empathy, you’re met with questions and statements like:

• "Why don’t you just leave?"

• "Maybe you’re the problem."

• "You shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place."

These aren’t just hurtful—they’re devastating. Victim blaming silences survivors, reinforces the abuser’s control, and deepens the emotional wounds of covert narcissistic abuse. Instead of empathy and understanding, you hear accusations, judgments, and dismissive comments. This is the last thing you need and can push you even further into loneliness, hopelessness and despair.

No one understands! No one gets it! No one cares!

What is Victim Blaming?

Victim blaming occurs when others hold the victim responsible for the abuse they are receiving or minimize their experiences. This harmful mindset often stems from a lack of understanding about the dynamics of covert narcissistic abuse.

Victim blaming shows up in many forms:

• Dismissive statements: "It’s not that bad."

• Judgmental accusations: "Why didn’t you just communicate better?"

• Insults: "You’re just being dramatic."

• Invalidation: "You’re overreacting."

These comments don’t just sting—they perpetuate the psychological damage victims already endure.

How Victim Blaming Hurts Survivors

1. It Silences Victims

When survivors face judgment instead of support, they often retreat into silence, fearing further pain. Already feeling lonely, they are now convinced that they are on this journey completely alone. This isolation makes it even harder to seek help and begin healing.

2. It Deepens Self-Doubt

Covert narcissism thrives on gaslighting and manipulation. Victims already struggle with questions like:

• "Am I overreacting?"

• "Is this really abuse?"

Hearing phrases like "This is your fault" amplifies their inner conflict and erodes their confidence.

3. It Invalidates the Experience

Statements like "Why didn’t you leave?" or "Just get over it" dismiss the complexity of abusive relationships. Survivors feel invisible and misunderstood. This situation is already impossible to put to words. Unreceptive ears only magnifies this maddening situation.

4. It Reinforces the Abuser’s Control

Victim blaming echoes the abuser’s narrative: "You’re the problem." This reinforces the power imbalance, making it even harder for the victim to break free.

Why Do People Victim Blame?

1. Discomfort with Complexity
   Covert narcissistic abuse is nuanced and difficult to understand. Simplifying it by blaming the victim feels easier than confronting the painful reality of manipulation.

2. Projection of Personal Beliefs
   Comments like "You’re just a drama queen" or "This is why men shouldn’t get married" often reflect the speaker’s own biases or frustrations, not the survivor’s reality.

3. Desire for Control
   Blaming the victim provides a false sense of security: "If I avoid their mistakes, this won’t happen to me."

How to Respond to Victim Blaming

1. Recognize It’s About Them, Not You

Victim-blaming comments reveal the commenter’s ignorance or discomfort—not your truth.

2. Seek Safe Spaces

Share your story with trusted friends, support groups, or a therapist who listens without judgment.

3. Educate Where You Can

If you feel safe, use these moments to spread awareness. For example:

• "Covert narcissism is designed to trap you emotionally, making leaving seem impossible."

• "It’s not about a lack of communication; it’s about a lack of respect and empathy from the abuser."

4. Focus on Your Healing

Redirect your energy from defending yourself to nurturing your well-being. You are not defined by others’ misunderstandings.

A Message to Survivors

If you’ve faced victim blaming, hear this: It’s not your fault. The responsibility for abuse lies solely with the abuser, not you.

You are not weak for staying. You are brave for surviving. You deserve compassion, understanding, and support as you heal.

Encouraging Empathy: A Message to Listeners

If you’ve ever judged a survivor or questioned their choices, consider this:

• Do you fully understand their situation?

• Are you offering support or adding to their pain?

• How would you want someone to respond if you were in their shoes?

Empathy can make a world of difference. Listening without judgment and validating someone’s feelings can be the first step toward helping them heal.

Let’s Shift the Narrative

Victim blaming adds to the wounds of those already suffering. Together, we can change that. Let’s create a world where survivors feel seen, heard, and supported.

If this blog resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it. Your story matters, and you deserve to be heard without judgment.

Ready to take the next step in your healing journey? Check out my coaching services. And don’t forget to subscribe for more empowering content.

I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing!

Covert Narcissism is the Invisible Abuse

Covert narcissistic abuse is a hidden abuse. It is invisible to the world around us. Our family and friends don't see it. Our neighbors don't see it. Our churches don't see it. Our therapists don't see it. The courts don't see it. And way too often, the victims don't see it either.  It is a gradual stealing of your right and ability to matter in this world. It is such tiny steps that it is not seen by the victim for years, decades or even a lifetime. It is a slow and subtle removal of your boundaries. One by one over time you give them away. "Why do you close the door when you go to the bathroom? Are you hiding from me?"  "Why do you do things with your friend? Don't you like doing things with me?"  "Why are you wearing that?" "Why do you say things that way?”

Their words start chipping away at your confidence and security as an individual. You begin checking everything you do against what they will think or say. Your mind becomes occupied with your abuser. The damage being done is all inside you. It is internal.

"What will he say if I tell him I want to go out with my friend?"

"How will he react if I say it this way or that way?"

"I shouldn't do this or that because it might upset him."

You start defending yourself and walking on eggshells and don't even realize it. You're defending things that you should never have to explain or defend. Things that to everyone else are just a normal part of spontaneous life.

But there is no such thing as spontaneous life with a narcissistic abuser. You can't do anything spontaneous anymore. Everything has to be questioned, checked, analyzed. How will he take it? What will he say? How will he react?

Your mind is going a million miles per hour. Your guard is up, and you are protecting yourself against this person who should be your greatest supporter.  You doubt yourself. You measure every action you make against what they will think of you or what they will say or what they will accuse you of. Defending yourself makes you look guilty and desperate. Defending yourself makes you feel guilty and desperate.  Their thoughts, opinions, and feelings now matter more to you than your own. You are slowly being stripped of your ability to matter even to yourself. Your world gets smaller and smaller.  When you try to explain yourself to them, they take such great offense at your attempts. "Why are you being so defensive? I was just asking a simple question. Geez, you're so sensitive!" Now you feel guilty for even responding to them when all you were trying to do was explain yourself. You are now in an impossible situation. You either do everything you think they want exactly as they want it, which is impossible, or you continue to get "put in your place." And NO ONE ELSE SEES IT!!

Two Simple and Effective Tools for Healing the Pain of Narcissistic Abuse

Do you feel that narcissism is everywhere? The red flags of narcissistic abuse are all around us. Even the very word “narcissism” is plastered all over the internet. We are seeing the effects of the abuse in ourselves, our kids, other family members, our friends, and so on. Even our pets  feel the power of the negativity in the home.

Okay, so now we see the abuse. We feel the pain. Now what? I am often asked, “How do we heal?” If we cannot heal, there is a strong chance that we will walk right back into another abusive relationship. The cycle is incredibly powerful and has so very many people trapped. I hear so many victims say, “How could I have let it happen to me again?!?”

The key is in our healing. Without healing, we remain victims, and victims continue to get caught and trapped.

In my own personal healing process, I have found two very effective tools for processing the deep emotions and generating the power of healing. I call the two tools Emotional Burn and Imagination Burst. They go hand-in-hand and work extremely well with each other.

Emotional Burn

It is very important that you do this step in a safe and peaceful environment. I do this in my own bedroom. I turn on some calm and quiet music. I turn on my salt lamp and essential oils diffuser. Lavender oil is amazing for a peaceful environment. I sit with my favorite meditation pillow. I create a safe space, a sanctuary.

If you prefer to use an outdoor safe space, that works great as well. I like to sit amongst our magnolia trees in our backyard, listening to the cardinals sing, and feeling the warmth of the sunshine. Do not underestimate the power of your surroundings. Use them to help soothe your emotions.

Once you have created a safe environment for yourself, take a specific memory that is weighing heavy on your heart. One that still causes your stomach to drop. One that causes all of your insides to scream. I found it helpful to have previously created a list of these suffocating memories. Allow yourself to feel the intense and horrible feelings that go with that memory. Give yourself permission to feel the pain, the anger, the hurt, the anxiety, the despair. These are NORMAL reactions to what you have experienced, to the way you were treated. Tell yourself that it is okay that you felt, and perhaps still feel, this way. Allow those feelings to burn.

Picture a candle. Some candles are bigger than others. But no matter how big the candle is, someday it will run out of wick and no longer have the ability to burn. Your pain from these stubborn memories is the same way. Some have longer wicks than others. But over time, they all will burn out. If you never light a candle though, it will not burn out. If you don’t light your own internal candle, these feelings will never burn away. They will remain locked inside you, and I promise they will affect you and your future relationships. You have to allow them to burn in order for them to fade away.

I want to re-emphasize that you should do this exercise in a safe environment where you have the space needed to let the feelings out. It is best for me to do this alone in my own home, where I can feel safe with intense emotions. If embracing those memories alone is too overwhelming for you, that’s okay. Do this exercise with a trusted loved one or a therapist. Even a loving pet can be the therapeutic support you need. Over time, you will get emotionally stronger.

Knowing the Purpose of the Pain

When we place our hand on a hot burner, a seething pain shoots through our body. That pain serves a very important purpose. If we ignore it, we will be badly injured. Pain protects us and keeps us safe. It is not a bad thing, but is rather extremely useful to us. It causes us to quickly remove our hand, before thought even happens. Without that pain, we would leave our hand there not realizing that it was burning.

The same is true with emotional pain. It is not a bad thing. Without it, we lose ourselves, our soul, our identity, our genuineness. The pain is what tells us that something is truly wrong. It tells us that we need to pay attention and remove ourselves from the situation. Embrace that pain and allow it to communicate with you. It is in that pain that you will find yourself again.

Imagination Burst

The other extremely useful tool is Imagination Burst. Your own imagination is very effective in dealing with all the pain. The approach of this tool may seem contradictory to the Emotional Burn. It definitely is not though! You see, if you stay with those intense emotions burning all the time, you will exhaust yourself and go crazy. You simply cannot maintain that emotional burn for long-term. You need to purposefully take a break from it. This is that break!

I want you to use your imagination and imagine what it would be like if none of that abuse actually happened to you. Imagine who you would be right now if you had not gone through all of this. What would you be doing? What would you be thinking? Who would you be? How would you be spending your time and energy?

Do not confuse this with trying to live in denial. You are not trying to convince yourself that none of the abuse happened. You know without a doubt all the abuse that you have suffered. This is using your imagination to your advantage, to push you to better places. It is consciously taking a break from all the hard work of processing the emotions and looking at your life outside of them. Yes do the work, but you must allow your heart and mind to rest and enjoy who you are.

Create a Cycle

Both the Emotional Burn and the Imagination Burst are needed in the healing process. Get into a cycle of using both tools. There is no one right way to use these. So experiment with them. I will share my favorite way to use them.

The two tools complement each other extremely well. As you do the work of the Emotional Burn, the Imagination Burst will give you more of a picture of who you want to be as the hard work pays off. Rather than doing the Emotional Burn with no direction, this gives you a target, a goal, inspiration, and hope. It helps you to see that you will make it through this, and there is life and happiness after emotional abuse!

A Night-time Routine

Every night before I go to bed, I use both of these tools. I create the environment I mentioned earlier with peaceful music, a salt lamp, essential oils and a meditation pillow. Sometimes I even light a candle. Get creative with your environment and find what works for you.

After creating your safe space, start with the Emotional Burn. Take one of the memories that weighs heavy on your heart. Bring it fully to mind, remembering what happened, what was said, what you thought, and how you felt. As you stay with this memory, notice how you feel. Some of these feelings are crazy powerful and overwhelming. That’s okay. Remind yourself that you are in this safe environment. When you feel overwhelmed, take a moment and notice what you hear, see and smell. Listen to the music or the birds, see the peaceful salt lamp or the warm sunshine, smell the essential oils or fresh air. Remember you are safe.

Continue with the Emotional Burn. Remind yourself often that these are normal emotional reactions to a horrible situation. Give yourself permission to feel this way. If you need to cry, then cry. If you need to scream, then scream. If you need to just sit and shake, then sit and shake. Remember that it is okay and that you are safe. Allow this process to continue until you feel some of the power of those emotions die away. Watch them go up in smoke and simply let them go.

When you feel it is time, shift to Imagination Burst. Imagine what life would be like if this particular event had not happened. Remember you are not trying to convince yourself that it did not happen. You are just imagining the what-if. Embrace the feelings that come from the relief. Give yourself permission to enjoy these feelings. Allow these feelings to replace the painful feelings that just went up in smoke. The peacefulness is very welcome and appreciated. Think of it as a reward for the hard work of the Emotional Burn. Enjoy the reward!

Experiment with these two tools and find some ways to make them work for you. The Emotional Burn can be quite intense, so I think it is best to follow it with an activity that brings you back to a happier place. This is why I found it useful to go straight into Imagination Burst, but you can space them out more if you want.

Other things you could use to follow the Emotional Burn are cuddling with a pet, going for a walk, spending time with a good friend, reading a good book, gardening, a bubble bath, other forms of meditation. Purposefully plan to follow it up with something that is healing to your soul.

The Imagination Burst can be used anytime and does not need to be only in a safe environment. I have found it to be very effective when I also use it for a few minutes in the morning. It is an extremely inspiring way to start the day!

This is Your Healing

True healing can only come from within you. NO ONE can do it for you. Those close to you can love you and support you, but they cannot do any of this for you. This is your journey! Embrace it. Allow it to make you stronger, freer, and happier. Remember, you are stronger than you think you are!

Know that you are not alone. Thousands and more are making this same journey with you. Too many endure the pain alone. They hide in fear. Slowly our world is becoming a safer place for our voices to be heard. Our world is waking up to the suffering we have endured. Yes you have to do the work for yourself, but you no longer have to suffer alone!

How the Covert Narcissist Plays Rejection, Abandonment, and Abuse

My marriage lasted almost 21 years. For most of these years, I convinced myself and the world that I had the perfect marriage. We were simply great together. There was no other option available. The mind is powerful and can do amazing things. I truly believed that it was a match made in heaven and that he was perfect for me.

Sure he spoke harsh from time to time, but everyone is allowed a bad day here and there. He treated others with coldness and meanness, but not me. He was distant from others, but not from me. There always seemed to be a reason for his sharpness, so it was okay. Besides we had some really good days in between these outbursts. So I swept it under the rug every time and continued to believe that our marriage was great and wonderful.

Ever so slowly, my eyes started opening. The pressure deep in my own heart started pushing through into my awareness. Tiny cracks in my thinking allowed for tiny glimpses of truth to seep in. Questions started to form in my mind. Why is he talking to me this way? Why do I feel so beaten down and anxious? Why are our boys afraid of talking to him? Is all this normal? Is this my imagination? Thus started an unbelievable journey of discovery.

I still remember so well the first day I heard the word narcissism. I was in complete disagreement, disbelief, and denial. I still believed that I could fix all this and that much of it was my fault anyways. Now, years later, I have a much greater understanding. There is so much I didn’t see and didn’t understand at the time. Even now, layers of it are still becoming more clear.

Though I didn’t know it, I was trapped in a situation of rejection, abandonment and abuse. I didn’t see it because it wasn’t the standard scenarios that often go with these words. With covert narcissists, the mistreatment and abuse are so masterfully hidden that it takes years to see, if one sees it at all. This isn’t the aggressive rejection of yelling “I hate you” or kicking you out of the house. This isn’t the obvious abandonment of running off with another woman or disappearing for days and weeks. This isn’t the apparent abuse of physical beatings and rages full of swear words and threats.

This type of rejection, abandonment, and abuse is completely hidden. My situation was so expertly covered, and I fell for it completely! Let me paint the picture for you.

Rejection

He told me all the time that I was too good for him. He told me that he loved me so much and that he wanted me to be happy. And yet he often spoke so sharply and harshly in day-to-day living! He shut down conversations with aggressive abruptness. He gave such short and sharp answers that conversation was often completely impossible. For years, I never felt safe in normal conversations with him. I felt guarded and on high alert. He continuously created an environment that was emotionally unsafe.

I remember one summer day that I was out all day with our boys while he was at work. We returned home before him. When he came home from work, I was happy to tell him how our day had been. After all, he had been complaining lately that I don’t talk with him enough and make him feel like part of the family. So when he sat down on the couch, I sat with him and began telling him about our day. He pulled out his phone and started playing a game. I was beginning to tell him a funny story about something his oldest son had done that day. I was only a couple of sentences into the story. While I was in mid-sentence, he sharply yelled, “OKAY!” at me. So I stopped and walked away, feeling completely rejected. I did not say another word about our day, and he never said a word about that interaction.

I left many of our conversations feeling extremely rejected. He would often cut me off, clearly not wanting to hear what I was saying. Other times, he would nod emphatically, with this air about him that says, “I already know this, so why are you wasting my time?” He would even interrupt me to strongly say, “I know,” or “I get it.” It always felt like a crime to talk with him about something he already knew. And since he always came across as already knowing everything, he never made me feel welcome talking to him. This was happening on a daily basis. When you are rejected in this way so regularly, you feel completely rejected in the relationship. This is not how you build a healthy marriage.

Abandonment

I would never have said that abandonment was a concern for me. I never felt like he was going to run away with another woman. I knew that he would always be home in the evenings and on the weekends. But then I realized that there was a different type of abandonment going on.

In my marriage, abandonment came within the home itself. He completely isolated himself constantly. He lost himself in video games and movies for hours on end. This was every evening after work, every weekend, every holiday, every vacation, no matter where we were or who we were with. This happened whether we were alone just the two of us or at social events with our friends and family. It didn’t matter whether we were on the Oregon Coast visiting his own mother, having Christmas activities with my family, or in Paris on a family vacation. This was on the beach, in the hotel rooms, in the restaurants, and even on a beautiful dinner cruise in downtown Paris on the Seine River. He disengaged from our lives. He checked out completely again and again and again!

At the age of 15, our oldest son spent three weeks in France. When we picked him up at the airport, we learned that his luggage missed the flight. We had to wait one hour for it to arrive. So we found a quiet corner where we could sit and chat. I was so eager to hear all about his trip, and he was eager to tell us. Within the first five minutes of our son telling us about his excursions, my husband got up, pulled out his phone, and walked away. We didn’t see him for the next 45 minutes. No explanation, no interaction, just abandonment. To this day, he has still never heard about all the exciting things our son did on that trip. This is rejection and abandonment and happened so many times throughout the years.

Abuse

Now, I have painted a brief picture of what our marriage was like. I could give you so many examples of the rejection and abandonment that my boys and I experienced. Early in our marriage, it only happened occasionally. As the years went by though, it became a daily part of our lives.

Now add on top of this one huge element! He repeatedly told me that EVERYTHING was always my fault!! It was my fault that we didn’t communicate well. It was my fault that we were distant and struggling. It was my fault that I was anxious and upset. It was my fault that he didn’t have a relationship with me. It was my fault that he didn’t have a relationship with our boys. It was my fault that he went into hiding and checked out. It was my fault that he was unable to communicate well. It was my fault that he didn’t feel respected or loved. It was ALL my fault, and ALL my job to fix.

He continuously made me feel guilty and responsible. For many years, I fell for this. I thought it was all my fault. I remember one day when I was eating lunch with a friend. I opened up to her about how I was feeling in the marriage. I told her about the excessive gaming that my husband was doing and how frustrated I was about it. I remember saying to her, “Now, I know that it is my fault that he games so much….” She immediately interrupted me, “Wait a minute! How in the world is this your fault?” She was genuinely shocked at my statement. I responded, “Well, I don’t know. I must not have fussed at him hard enough. I should have pitched a bigger fit about it.” She laughed in disbelief, “Do you hear what you are saying? He’s a grown man. His choices are not your fault!”

At the time, I certainly did not realize the absurdity here. I did not see how messed up my own thinking had become. I actually did think that his addiction to gaming was my fault and that I should have been able to stop it. I believed this even though I had tried for years to get him off his games. He completely shut me down every time. Yet somehow, I still managed to believe that it was my fault.

Another example is that I thought for years that it was my job to make sure he had a good relationship with his boys. I used to wear my brain out trying to come up with things he could do with them. Then when I did come up with ideas, he brought so much negativity into the activity that it was a disaster. So now I also had to figure out how to keep him from being so negative while he was with them. I had become convinced that this was my duty and responsibility. But it was impossible! So as his relationship with our boys deteriorated, I felt more and more like a failure.

Refuse the Craziness!

He made everything impossible, and yet expected me to fix it all. Then when I couldn’t do it, he blamed me for everything! This is absolutely psychological abuse and will drive you to insanity!

• HE made conversations so incredibly difficult and told me it was all my fault that we didn’t talk.

• HE created fear in everyone and blamed me that he couldn’t communicate with anyone.

• HE checked out of the lives of his boys and told me that I destroyed his relationship with them.

• HE did not engage in our world and blamed me for the distance.

• HE isolated himself and blamed me that he had no friends.

• HE chose his own actions and yet made me feel guilty for them.

Now that I see it with open eyes, I can finally let go of all the guilt and blame. It was NOT my fault! I did not choose for him to be sharp and cold. I did not choose for him to shut down conversations. I did not choose for him to create environments where no one felt emotionally safe. I did not choose for him to check out and hide in his games and movies. I did not choose for him to abandon his family. These were his choices!!

But now, I did choose to walk away! I will not accept the blame anymore for an environment that he creates. I choose to treat people with love and compassion. I choose to create an atmosphere of openness and freedom. I choose to welcome others into my life with open arms. I choose to establish an environment of peace!

I Survived the Day of Divorce from a Narcissist

So my divorce is finally done! Our court date was 2 days ago, and it’s over. This was a day that I thought would never actually get here. I’ve known for years that it was coming. The verbal and emotional abuse was never going to stop. The psychological games were only getting worse. Leaving was my only option.

As the day was approaching, I wondered how I would feel. Will I cry? Will I be happy? What will I say? What will it be like? How will it go?

He moved out 9 days before our court date. I was so relieved to have him gone. I spent a week cleaning my home like never before. The house is so much fresher. The air is cleaner. I have now been sleeping better, eating better, and am genuinely happier.

But in the back of my mind, our court date was still looming. The day before court, everything hit me like a truck. I was at work in the middle of the afternoon. I had been feeling great, and the divorce wasn’t even on my mind. Out of nowhere, I was all of a sudden completely overwhelmed with stress and anxiety. My heart started racing, my hands started shaking, and I instantly started running a fever. It was the strangest thing I have ever experienced.

I actually thought to myself, “So this is what it feels like to have a nervous breakdown.” A million thoughts ran through my mind. Can I go through with this? Am I strong enough? What if I pass out? Is this actually going to kill me? As the day went on, my mind started replaying everything from the last 21 years of my life. I was powerless to stop it. I saw all the pain, all the abuse, all the good times, all the bad times, the abusive way he treated our kids, my helplessness and hopelessness. I truly thought I was losing my mind.

Sleep that night was impossible. My mind simply would NOT rest. By now, I knew that my body was collapsing from the stress. My neck burned with fever, my throat was killing me, and my head was super foggy. I had to get this over with, or it was going to kill me.

Thankfully, our court time was early the next morning. My husband was there when I arrived. We instantly put on that front that we had been living for so long. The front we always showed the world that said we got along great. It was like we were old friends and had no problems. I know this lie well and simply cannot live it any longer.

As I stood in front of the judge, my heart pounded in my chest. I answered my attorney’s questions, barely hearing them at all. It was quick, and then it was over. Within 5 minutes, we were divorced. Just like that. No fanfare, no strike of the gavel, no announcement. Just the signature of one man, and I was now free.

Free to do what I wanted. Free to be me. So I went home. To MY home. Too exhausted to be happy. Too sick to celebrate. Too sad to breathe. Too empty to find me. I simply went home.

I was in the biggest fog of my life. I wondered if my head would ever work right again. Will my heart ever recover? I felt about as sick as I ever have.

I simply had to give myself some genuine love and attention. I called a very dear friend of mine and asked her to go to lunch with me. Though she knew everything that was going on, we didn’t talk about the divorce. We talked about life. We sat outside in the beautiful sunshine and simply enjoyed our friendship. It was so refreshing!

Over the next 2 days, I focused on my own healing. I’ve enjoyed coffee with my girlfriends, as well as peaceful bubble baths at night, alone. I’ve prayed and meditated throughout my day. I’ve read daily inspirational passages. I’ve chatted with old friends, watched old tv shows, and listened to old music. I’ve done things that are good for my soul.

My body, mind and heart are responding so well to the extra love. The sickness is disappearing almost as quickly as it hit. Every day I seem to be waking up more clear-headed than the day before. Today is the clearest my head has been in months, maybe years. I am so eager to continue this journey now. This little taste of clear-ness has made me SO hungry for it. I want to live the rest of my days focused on whatever is healthy and peaceful.

I still have a long ways to go in the journey of healing, but I do feel that I am off to a great start. I will take this in baby steps. I feel motivation returning and eagerness to enjoy life again. I now begin the journey of the rest of my life!!

No matter where you are in this process, I desire to walk the journey with you. We may all go through it differently, but we ALL  need support by our side. I had people I could lean on every step of the way. I feel blessed by that. I will be that support for anyone who needs a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen, or a reassuring voice that you are not crazy.

If I can do this, so can you!!

Others have it much worse than me, shouldn’t I just be grateful?

A Recurring Perspective

One perspective that keeps surfacing from my readers goes something like this, “I read other people’s stories and hear the nightmares they are living. Physical abuse, alcohol and drugs, sex addiction and cheating. Mine simply isn’t that bad. Sure, he gets mean and sharp sometimes, but he is tolerable most of the time. That doesn’t mean he is a narcissist. He often can actually be a very nice guy, as long as we make sure he feels special. Shouldn’t I just be grateful and keep my mouth shut? Shouldn’t I stay in the relationship because it really could be far worse? Maybe I don’t really belong in a support group. Maybe this isn’t even abuse.”

When I hear these things, I start asking them why they ended up in the support group to begin with and what brought them there in the first place. Almost always, they start describing emotional, verbal, and mental abuse. They are beaten down emotionally and mentally. They are confused and exhausted. They feel crazy and want answers. Yet they continue to justify the actions of their abuser, by saying that it really could be worse.

I Used to Say it Too

I totally understand this because I have lived it myself. I know these thoughts personally, “At least he isn’t beating me. I don’t think he would ever hurt me or our boys. I don’t think he is cheating on me. Every marriage has its issues. You know, this could be a whole lot worse. How could this be narcissistic abuse?”

And yet he continued to talk so meanly to the boys and me. He blamed us for everything that ever went wrong and many things that weren’t even wrong to begin with. He verbally and psychologically abused the boys, making them so afraid of ever upsetting him. He never listened to any of us when we tried to explain how he made us feel. He only continued to slaughter us with his tongue, while holding no empathy for his family. We walked on eggshells, always afraid of his anger, for years.

Could things have been worse? Yes, I think someone who is walking on eggshells and terrified for their own life and the lives of their kids is in a worse place. Does that make how we were living okay? Absolutely not!!

Analogy of a Broken Leg

If you have a broken leg, you don’t think, “Well, some people lose their leg, so since it could be worse, I’ll just tough it out and keep my mouth shut about it.” You don’t chose to be grateful and thus not fix your broken leg simply because their situation is worse. This wouldn’t make sense to anyone around you. Your entire family and circle of friends would be all over you to get to the doctor and take care of your leg.

Pain is pain, and healing is needed!

It is, of course, okay to recognize that things could be worse. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being grateful that they aren’t worse. But this doesn’t mean you have to stay or put up with abuse just because it could be worse. This doesn’t even make sense. Yet how many of us rationalize this way? How many of us have family and friends that even try to convince us of this?

Analogy of a School Shooter

If a shooter in one school walks into a classroom and kills just one person, while another in another school kills 30, one of these is clearly worse than the other. However just because the first situation could have been much worse, this does not take away the pain of the family of the one that was killed. That family still suffers and grieves. Their pain is very real. They are greatly affected, and it will take some time to heal.

Because one situation is “worse” also does not take away the fact that both shooters must be held accountable for their actions.  The shooter of the one person will still go to jail and face punishment, as they should. Can you imagine a judge saying, “Well, at least you only killed one. It could have been worse. You are free to go?” What!!! Media would have a heyday with that. I can see the picket lines and rioting already.

No More Justification

I think we could all find someone that we think has a worse situation than we do. That’s okay. There is no need for comparisons here. It is okay to be grateful that your own situation isn’t worse. It is okay to feel compassion for those that are in a worst situation. You also don’t have to pretend that your situation is worse than it is in order to justify leaving.

It is also okay to walk away from your situation and your abuser. Please do not use the justification that it could be worse as a reason to stay in an abusive relationship.

Abuse is abuse, and healing is needed!!

Don't Over-Compensate for the Narcissistic Parent

A huge mistake often made by the non-narcissistic parent is over-compensation.

When our co-parent is abusing our children in any way, it is extremely easy to over-compensate by trying to erase all the bad feelings in our child. Our intentions are good. We know that those bad feelings are coming from the way they are being treated. So if we can erase those bad feelings, then maybe we can erase the damage they are suffering. However the results may not be quite what we hope for.

One definition of a narcissist is an empty shell wrapped in a façade of grandiosity. That empty shell comes from all the abuse, but the façade of grandiosity comes from the over-compensation.

Empty Shell

Kids cannot emotionally comprehend the abuse of a parent who is supposed to love them. They internalize it, believing that they themselves are to blame. This leaves them feeling worthless and hopeless. These feelings are too overwhelming for kids and leave them numb and closed off to their own feelings. In other words, an empty shell.

Façade of Grandiosity

When the other parent over compensates by telling them how wonderful, beautiful, amazing and so on that they are, this does not line up with the empty feelings they are experiencing. But it feels better, so they try to cling to this. However, this then becomes a false sense of security for them. It is often easier to ignore bad internal feelings than it is to face them. So it is easy to cling to those feelings that they are great and wonderful, even though they don’t truly believe them. They become that empty shell wrapped in a façade of grandiosity.

So how do we help them instead?

Obviously we can’t always or even often change the behavior of our narcissistic counter parent. So we have to focus on our own parenting skills. The goal is to create a healthy sense of self in our child. What does that look like?

·        Self-awareness

·        Self-perceptiveness

·        Self-value

·        Acceptance of personal strengths and weaknesses

·        Acceptance of one’s humanness

Emotional Muscle Building

Kids need emotional muscles in life. If you carry your child everywhere, they will never learn to walk on their own. Their own leg muscles will atrophy and, over a long enough period, walking will never be an option for them. If you “fix” everything for them so they never build emotional muscles, then this same thing happens.

Quit protecting them from ever feeling disappointment or sadness. Quit protecting them from feeling shame when they deserve it. Quit making them believe that they are above others. Quit rescuing them from the consequences of their actions. Start calling them out on their self-centeredness. Start holding them accountable for their words and actions. Take away their emotional handicaps and create emotional resilience. They are stronger than you think they are. Have confidence in their hearts and in their potential.

Fill the Inner Emptiness

So how do you fill that inner emptiness? Let’s start by looking at how many of us try to fill it and fail. We tell them that they are wonderful. We tell them how great they are, how smart they are, how handsome or pretty they are. None of this ever seemed to work for my kids. They blew it off and never believed me anyways. This is empty praise and does not make help them to fill that emptiness.

I teach martial arts to kids. I see this empty praise often at my school. A parent will sit in the viewing chairs, with their nose in their phone. They don’t pay any attention to what their child is doing in the class. In the meantime, I am having to correct their child repeatedly, calling them out for bad behavior and lack of focus. Much to my surprise though, as we dismiss and the child leaves the floor, the parent will happily exclaim, “Great job today son/daughter. You did great!” I want to say, “Did you see the class? Were you watching how they did?” That child knows they were called out and corrected. They may not be able to verbalize this, but they feel that parent’s empty praise for what it is. While they can’t put it into words, they know that it doesn’t feel right.

Empty praise makes us feel even emptier.

Teach them the feeling of mattering

When my oldest son was around the age of 10, he had a day that was feeling particularly off to him. He was down and completely unmotivated. He was home all day and completely bored, adding to his lack of motivation. I gave him a small list with a few options of productive things to do. On that list were things like bathe the dogs, vacuum the house, wash the windows, and so on. He decided to bathe the dogs. I was extremely glad he chose that one because it was one chore that I really did not like doing, as it was hard on my back. When he got done, I told him how much I appreciated him doing that and how much it helped me. He actually told me, at that young age, that it had really made him feel better. He felt like he had done something very useful and beneficial. I used this opportunity to teach him about the value of productivity.

On his own, he applied this later in his childhood. As any normal kid does, he had other days when he was off. But he noticed it in himself. So, on his own, he chose to go bathe the dogs. He felt the value of this action and felt like he mattered in our world. He did not need a reward of ice cream, money, or anything else. In fact, sometimes those rewards interfere with a child feeling the more internal rewards. He needed to FEEL productive, helpful, and appreciated.

Your kids need to feel that they matter in your world. Don’t do this through excessive praise. This so easily gets shallow and meaningless. They need to have chores and responsibilities. They need to feel like a necessary and valuable part of the family. If it is their job to feed the pets, then they need to feed the pets. When they forget, simply remind them and have them do it. Resist the temptation to just do it for them. I know that is quicker and easier, but it does not teach them responsibility and value. Those pets are relying on your kids for their nourishment. Explain that to your child. Most pets will show great appreciation to the one that feeds them. Let your child experience that. It helps them to feel like they matter, which of course, they do.

You are NOT a superhero!

One final note here. Please remember that you are no different than any other parent struggling through parenthood. I got wrapped up in trying to make sure I did everything right for my kids. I so badly wanted to, as I’m sure you do. I don’t question your desire to be a great parent. That is a wonderful desire. But it is easy to get so caught up in trying to do everything right that we end up making a complete disaster of it.

Give yourself permission to be human. You can’t fix everything. You can’t help them with everything. This isn’t all bad. They NEED to learn some things for themselves as well. They NEED to learn to rely on themselves as well. That’s okay.

If someone would have just told me what to do in order to ensure my boys have a bright, healthy and happy future, I would have walked through fire for them. Trouble is that there is no blueprint, no sure way, no guidebook with all the answers. You do the best you can and then let them go. Trust your heart and learn to trust theirs too!

What Happens when a Narcissist Tries to “Fix” that Broken Relationship?

When does a relationship with a narcissist get worse? When that narcissist decides that they must “fix” the relationship. When they decide to “take charge” of making things right. This is a disaster!

What Does “Fix” the Relationship Mean to a Narcissist?

It means:

• They tell you all the things you have ever done wrong so that you can change.

• They tell you all the things that they have ever done right so that you can finally show appreciation.

• They tell you how they have poured so much effort into fixing things and you have done nothing.

• They tell you how great of a person they are and how bad of a person you are.

• They tell you why this is all your fault and your job to change and fix it.

• They make you feel worse and make them look better, you feel bad and they feel good.

• They use everything you say, everything you have said, and everything you have not said against you.

• They circle and deflect, keeping you in the wrong and them in the right, at all times.

• They barely acknowledge your feelings, if at all. But they are the first ones to tell you about how they feel.

When they say things like, “If we all just talk nicer to each other, then we could get along better,” they mean that everyone should talk nicer to them. They hide behind this statement and its deeper meaning. It means, “Everyone talk nicer to me.” They will still talk however they choose to talk. You can’t call them out on it because we all agreed that we would talk nicer, and that’s not being very nice.

Whey they say, “I feel disrespected and lonely,” they mean that you are not doing your job to make me feel good enough about myself. Problem is it isn’t possible for them to feel good about themselves. So no matter how much you do and how genuine your effort is, you will always fail in their eyes.

When They Come Looking for Validation and Compliments

Mine put me on the spot in one of “those” conversations. He asked me, “Can you give me one compliment? One thing you like about me?” This created a problem in me. All these different adjectives went through my head.

• Helpful? No

• Compassionate? No

• Patient? No

• Fun-loving? No

• Kind? No

• Easy to be around? No

• Fun to be around? No

• Easy to talk to? No

• A good father? No

• Happy? No

This list went on and on in my mind. I finally said to him that I was grateful for 2 things. I am extremely happy with the 2 boys that this marriage has given me. They are amazing boys, and i am very proud of them. The other thing is that I am grateful to him for providing for the family so that I could stay home and raise our boys. He responded, “So I am a paycheck to you? And you can’t even come up with one nice thing to say about me?”

I did feel a little bad about not being able to come up with something nice to say about him. So I gave it some more thought later. And even with some time to ponder, I still could not come up with positive and truthful compliments.

Instead the list was:

• Selfish

• Lazy and unmotivated

• Mean and rude

• Quick to anger

• Hard to be around

• Hard to talk to

• Angry

• Harsh and abrupt

They are Not the Relationship Guru

When someone with these characteristics tries to fix their broken relationship, it just doesn’t turn out so well. What I don’t understand is when they have all these negative traits and are missing so many positive ones, then why are we so quick to listen to them and believe them? I assure you that they are not the relationship guru. They do not have all the answers.

Oh….and by the way….when you step in and try to fix the relationship instead, the results are still about the same. They are going to rub your nose in all the things you ever did wrong.It doesn’t matter who starts the conversation, it will end the same way.

You may feel like you have to put effort into fixing the relationship. I understand that. I never tried so hard at anything in my life. I gave it everything I had. You will not find someone more determined than I was at fixing my broken marriage. So put in the effort, and see how it goes. Listen to their words and their attitude. It takes two to fix a broken marriage. If they are laying all the blame on you, then you are playing solo.As long as that is the case, this isn’t fixable.Simply walk away.

From Victim to Survivor to Victor

When you are dealing with a covert narcissist, it is so incredibly hard to see the abuse, especially at first. You may know that something is wrong in the relationship, but you are just as likely to blame yourself as you are to blame your partner. In fact, you are probably more likely to blame yourself. I think all of us begin in denial.

The Denial

“I’m not being abused. This doesn’t apply to my relationship. He’s just…… or she’s just…….” Fill in the blank. Tired, cranky, busy, angry, not feeling well, socially awkward, recovering from an abused childhood, and so on. How many years can these excuses go on? For me, it was 17 years. For others, I have heard as many as 45 years. Excuse after excuse after excuse. At some point, I started to realize that the “He’s just….” was not an excuse but rather a definition of who he was.

If I’m always making excuses for him because he is cranky that day, but it’s every day, at some point I have to realize that cranky is just who he is. That “recovering from an abused childhood” becomes an excuse and a crutch when it explains their bad behavior for years and years. He is never going to get better. He likes his crutches and hides behind them.

The Victim

So the fog started to clear from my mind. I felt like a beaten down puppy, living with a justified owner who could talk to me anyway he pleased without a care in the world. The denial went away, and I ran head first into the realization that I was a victim! It took one visit to a therapist to really get me to see it for myself.

“OH, $^*&^%*&^*&!!! What is really going on here?!?” This realization was incredibly painful! I thought he loved me. I committed my life to him. I thought we were teammates, facing the battles of life together.

As quickly as the clarity came, it would also disappear just as fast. One minute the abuse was clear in my mind. I could see it. I could explain it. But the next minute, it vanished into thin air. I couldn’t grasp it anymore. I couldn’t explain it. Instead I doubted myself and blamed myself, for the millionth time.

But I continued pondering, watching his attitude, listening to his words, observing my feelings and reactions. He was the reason that I felt beat down and insecure. He was the reason my anxiety level and exhaustion were so high. At this point, I found myself all over the board emotionally. I rotated between disbelief, resistance, despair, grief, denial, anger, even rage. This was the roller coaster from hell!

At this point, the need for external validation is incredibly strong! You have received practically no validation from your partner or anyone else up to now. Many victims, including myself, will desperately try to get their partner to see how they are treating them. You want them, so badly, to see the abuse they are dishing out for what it is. Maybe this is in hopes that they will change. Maybe it is because you want them, just once, to finally feel bad about it.

In this stage, anger is strong in the victim. They vent to anyone who will listen. The desire to expose the abuse is huge. Revenge is screaming at their heart. “Look at what they did to me! This isn’t right! It isn’t fair! Look how much it has hurt my children!” Daily, you gather more evidence and more examples of the abuse. You want to scream this from the rooftop!

A problem arises though, your friends and family don’t see it. They don’t understand what you are saying. They don’t agree that you have been abused. They tell you that you are over-reacting or being petty. This is incredibly painful!!! A harder hit than some of the abuse itself. Despair and self-doubt replace the anger.

What do I do now??

The Survivor

The second phase is that of the survivor. When does it hit? It hits when you run out of fuel in the victim phase, when you just have no energy left and can’t take it anymore. This is when you fully realize that they are never going to get it and you stop trying to explain it to them or change them.

Everyone stays in the first phase of being a victim for different lengths of time. How long you stay is based on various factors:

• Your own awareness of the abuse

• Length and intensity of the relationship

• If you have kids with them and the age of the kids

• How hooked you were by their love-bombing

• The extent of your own support group

• How secure or scared you feel about leaving

• How determined you are to change them

• Your willingness or unwillingness to accept that they will never get it and move on

• Your willingness to stand up for yourself

None of these things make you a bad person or the one responsible for the break-down of the relationship. They do however play a huge role in determining the amount of time you remain hooked in the narcissistic relationship. Some people run for their lives early in the relationship, maybe one year in and before marriage or kids. Others, however, remain for decades, as many as 40 or 50 years.

For me, the survivor phase hit when my energy tanked out. I had nothing left inside me. My fuel tank was empty, and I hit rock bottom. I no longer had any desire left to try to explain anything to him. I had tried so hard, and he combatted everything I said, all the time. I was done!

At this point, I realized that this was having a huge effect on my physical health and mental and emotional well-being. So survivor mode kicked in. It was time to quit trying to help him and instead to focus on helping myself. I became completely indifferent to him. I no longer cared what he thought or said. I no longer reacted to his attempts at baiting me. I no longer wanted revenge, as this just kept me trapped in his web. I just wanted out. I later discovered that this is called going Grey Rock. I didn’t know it had a name until much later. For more on grey rock, read my recent post When I told my Covert Narcissist that I was Done

One other gigantic step to move from victim to survivor is to quit gathering evidence of the abuse! This is extremely necessary. Yes, in the beginning, you need to gather the evidence. You need to prove to yourself that you aren’t crazy and that he/she is abusing you. You need to get clarity in why you feel the way you do. But at some point, in order to move forward in your own healing, you have to stop gathering evidence. You need to trust what you have learned and close your case. You must be able to say, “Now, the prosecution rests.”

The realization that they are never going to get it is a tough one, but also a very freeing one. You no longer feel responsible to be the one to show them. It wasn’t my job anymore. I can’t change him, but I can change me. So I started taking steps toward moving one. Everyday I simply did the next right thing, whatever that was. Sometimes they were small things and sometimes they were huge things.

It is easy to get stuck in the victim phase. Move on!! You have much better ways to spend your time and energy. You have other things to think about and do. You have other people that need you in their life. Your thoughts and feelings do matter in this world. They don’t matter to your narcissist. So staying in the victim role, still battling with him/her, will keep you feeling like you don’t matter. You will continue to desperately try to prove that you do. There is life outside of narcissism. Start taking care of you and your family because you deserve it.

The Victor

The Victor phase is amazing!! This is a phase of empowerment and growth. You have truly moved on in life and no longer think about this narcissist thing.

How do you know when you have reached this phase?

• When you no longer wake up every morning with him/her on your mind.

• When the constant internal arguments are gone.

• When you all of a sudden realize that you haven’t thought about him/her in a long time.

• When you realize that you carry positive energy for a change.

Please know that it is impossible to get entirely to the phase of victor if you cannot get him/her completely out of your head. If you are still seeking revenge, you won’t get there. If you are still holding on to the anger, you won’t get there. If you are still checking their social media, you won’t get there. Unfortunately, if you are still raising kids together, you won’t get there….not entirely….not yet.

If you are not quite to this phase yet and want to be, you might ask yourself these questions.

• What would I be thinking about if I wasn’t thinking about him/her and all this narcissistic garbage?

• What would I be doing with my day if he/she had never been a part of it?

• What would I be researching on the internet if I wasn’t googling narcissism, emotional abuse, unhappy marriage, etc?

Find a few things in life that you really enjoy, things that make you feel happy and satisfied. Think about these things. Ponder them and explore them. Learn more about them. Make them a hobby and use them to begin to occupy that time you are trying to fill with other things. Learn about the resources out there. Find others who share this interest. What kind of things? you might ask. I don’t know where to start. Here are a few suggestions: dancing, nature, reading, music, sports, cultural history, photography, a new language. There are so many wonderful options out there.

In this process, pay close attention to your thoughts. They will try to wonder back to all the garbage of your past, especially at first. Don’t sweat that too much. It is that way for everyone. Just be aware of it and purposefully shift your thoughts back to your new positive things to ponder. There are a ton a great resources out there on mindfulness. To get started, check out my Resources page. Give yourself permission to move on and enjoy life once again.

There is life after narcissism!!

When I Told my Covert Narcissist that I was Done

You can read in my last blog post what lead up to the actual decision to file for divorce. The emotional energy in the house had reached an all-time high. This family was about to explode! I was about to explode!

I told my family that I was ready to tell him that I am truly done. It is time to file for divorce. I waited until the weekend, so we had more time to talk. Everyone was nervous about how he would react. Would he explode in a rage? Would he turn violent? Would he meltdown with crocodile tears? I didn’t know, but I had reached a point that I didn’t care anymore.

So on Saturday afternoon, September 8, 2018, I told him. I said that I want out of the marriage and that it was time. I don’t want to try any longer to fix this. I don’t have the energy to pour into it anymore. I’m exhausted and done. I told him that I was sorry, that this was not what I had planned when we married 20 years ago.

Grey Rock

Now you want to know what grey rock is? It is the art of not reacting to them. Read on.

Then I waited for his response. Tears started forming in his eyes, tears that I haven’t seen through almost our entire marriage. He calmly said to me, “I have to admit that I am not surprised.” He went to say that he hated this and really doesn’t understand how we ended up here. He cried actual tears, saying, “I’m going to miss your family so much.” My family??? Really?? The family that when we spend time together, he hides in a corner to play games on his phone or sleep on the couch. He’s going to miss my family?? But I did not react, grey rock.

So he changed his approach. He cried more tears saying how much he will miss this house. Really?? The house that he has been trying to get us to move out of, almost since the day we moved in. A year or so ago, he finally talked me into considering building a brand new home together. We had chosen a lot, a floor plan, and even started selecting the decor, when he backed out. He isn’t going to miss this house! But I did not react, grey rock.

I didn’t give any attention to his tears. I simply sat there, boring, with no reaction. So he moved on. Now he calmly told me that he thinks I am a very angry person. He said that he thinks I don’t realize how angry I am and that it is on a subconscious level. Really?? Me? The one he has repeatedly told is the single best person he has ever met. Again, I did not react, grey rock.

So he shifted once more. He told me how he thinks that he has done nothing but show support and love to this family. He stated that he has supported us in all our endeavors. He talked about how he has gone to all of our Taekwondo tournaments. You mean the ones where you sat in the corner on your phone and even slept in the corner of the gym? Once more, I did not react, grey rock.

So now he wanted to be Mr. Nice Guy. He told me that the one thing his parents did right was that they divorced peacefully. He said that he wants to do that too. He wanted to know if we could work through one attorney and make all the financial decisions ourselves. I told him that I was fine with that, for the most part. I told him that his financial knowledge is far greater than mine and that makes me nervous. I do want to hire an attorney for me, so I have someone to run questions by. He asked for one week to process all this before I filed. Very reluctantly and after some persistence from him, I agreed.

The conversation ended there, and I left the house to run some errands. There is a ton of power in not reacting to them. That has taken me years to fully learn, but it definitely worked that day.

When I returned a few hours later, I offered to make some dinner. He said, “No thanks, I don’t think I could eat.” “Ok,” I said, “suit yourself.” I was starving for the first time in over two weeks. I fixed a great dinner for my son and me, and I chowed down.

Here we go again

Two days later, he wanted to talk. He asked me to tell him again why I am so unhappy with him. I said no, that I was not going to try to explain it anymore. He said that he firmly believes if he could just understand what it is that he needs to do or not do that he would fix this. After he kept pushing, knowing that I shouldn’t, I finally tried again. I said, “I strongly feel that you do not communicate with compassion. You do not recognize how much you hurt other people's feelings. When we try to express to you how you have hurt our feelings, you barely acknowledge that. You don't apologize and you then tell us that everything is our fault. These are the same words that I have been saying to you for years.” And what happened? You already know. We looped right back into one of those circular conversations from hell.

He said, “I see pain in you and the boys that I somehow caused.” He went on to explain that he has done nothing but try to make us feel safe and loved. I said, “I truly wish you understood. I wish you could see it. We could have had such a beautiful marriage together.”

I told him that I am emotionally exhausted and empty, that I reached a point that I just quit trying. That doesn't make me right or completely wrong, just exhausted. He then shot at me, “I think you gave up much sooner than you think you did.” With instant tears in my eyes, I fired back, “Don't you dare say that!” He immediately apologized saying, “I'm sorry, I'm not supposed to go there,” in his pompous way.

I said several times, “We aren't even close. I think I have tried so hard to help and explain. You don't even think I've tried. And vice versa.”

I told him, once again, that he doesn't ever apologize. He couldn't believe that I felt this way. He said that he thinks he is quick to apologize when he is wrong. (Maybe that's it. He just believes that he is never wrong) He asked for an example. I told him about once when I was talking to him about spending too much time on his games and electronics. Instead of apologizing or validating my feelings in any way, he said, “Well, you lay on the couch and stretch.” I said, “I didn't even know how to respond to that.” He said, “I don't remember that. If that is what I said, then I am sorry. That was a poor response, but it doesn't sound like me. That's not the sort of thing I would say.” That’s exactly the sort of thing that he would say!

I knew better than to get back into this loop with him. But I guess I decided that I would give it one last effort. Unlike my past, the circular conversations from hell no longer churn my stomach and send my head in a downward spiral. I walked away, ate a healthy dinner and slept great.

Round 3,784

The night before I filed for divorce, he asked if we could talk. Here we go again! How many circular conversations have I lived through?? Who knows?

He started by telling me that he doesn’t want to interfere with my plans, that when I ready to file for divorce I should. I simply said, “Ok.” Then he went on to tell me that he can’t believe that our marriage is going to end at 20 years when his dad made it to 23 years. He can’t believe that he is worse than his dad. He actually said this. I could not believe my ears. I responded, “This isn’t a competition! Please don’t compare us to them.” He said, “I know it isn’t, and I’m not comparing. But if we had just made it 23 years and 6 months, then I could say that I am better than my dad.” WHAT!!!

He said that he is reading the book, After the Tears, again. It is a book for Adult Children of Alcoholics. He has read it before. He said that this time he is thinking about him instead of about how to fix me. In the past, when he read it, he was applying it to me, but not this time. He went on to say that he thinks that part of our problem is that I read books trying to fix him, instead of me. I started to tell him about all the many books I have read for becoming a better person. He interrupted me, saying, “I don't want you to think that I haven't read many books or listened to tapes for how to make myself a better person.” I didn’t respond. Then he hesitated, like he had caught himself, and said, “Oh, I'm trying not to get defensive here.”

He told me that he doesn’t know how to have fun anymore. He said that both his parents gave him money for Christmas with the instructions to spend it doing something fun. This is September. He still has the money in his wallet because he can’t find a way to spend it.

He said, “I'm realizing that I might be the problem here. My eyes are opening to this. If you were the only one telling me, then I could still say it is you. But now the boys are telling me. I see that I blame things on everyone else. I see my reactions to things and realize that I haven’t let go of the past as much as I thought. I thought I had worked through my issues from childhood, but I think maybe I haven’t. I’m reading this book and realizing that a lot of what it says are things that you have been saying to me for years.

I want to go to counseling and get help. I think when I went to the counselor with you, it was like when I went as a teenager. I thought I had everything fixed already and didn’t need him. After I get help, then maybe we can do marriage counseling to fix our communication issues.”

Even with all that he said, there was still no apology! Never once did he simply look at me and say, “I’m sorry.”

So I filed for divorce the next day. I felt so at peace. I know this is the right time.

Round…..? Who knows? I lost count years ago!

A couple of days later, he came and sat down at the table while I was eating dinner. Once again he sat there, pensively, in silence. He holds such an uncomfortable place of silence, clearly wanting to say something. He holds you there, trapped like a prisoner. Finally he spoke up, “I've been trying to figure out how we got to where we are.” He says this 3 days after telling me that he recognizes the problems in him. He now goes on to say, “You don’t ever seem to think that I apology, and I think that I am quick to apologize. So I went to the library and got a book about apologizing. You know, apologies common in  different shapes and sizes. I believe that I am quick to apologize. I think the problem we are having is step two in this book, that you don’t accept my apologies. I think that is the piece that is missing. So I'm sorry. Now do you accept my apology?” Does he really think that clears everything up?

I looked him straight in the face and said, “Honey, I forgive you.” I then explained that this isn't going to change anything because this is far more complicated than the issue of apologizing. When I said a lot of this goes back to the issue of communication, he said if that is the case, then I'm going to go back to saying that we need to go together to a marriage counselor.

Everything he said 3 days ago has gone right out the window. He didn’t believe any of those words about his responsibility in this. He used to tell the boys often, “I know that you're just sitting there trying to figure out what to say to get me to shut up.” That was simply projection, because that is exactly what he does. He is just trying to figure out what to say to get me to shut up and not go through with divorce. Nothing comes from the heart, and nothing has any meaning. These conversations might cause many people confusion inside themselves. For me, they brought clarity. This is the right direction! I’m done!

A New Direction

Many of the conversations that came after filing for divorce were the most honest and productive conversations we have had in years. As the attempts at “fixing” our marriage went away, things were so much calmer. He was far more cooperative and peaceful than I expected. Yes, he would still take shots, making sure that I knew this was all my fault. But I have become extremely skillful at not reacting!

He quit pushing on our youngest son. He started working on a plan for my son and me to stay in the house. He wants us to keep the pets with us and have a place for our oldest to stay when he comes home from college. He is trying to balance the finances between us in a way that is fair. When I proposed an alimony amount, he offered to pay more. He is open to me asking questions about it and isn’t making me feel stupid or uncomfortable. He seems to really want what is best for me and the boys.

Confusing?? Not really. This is the man that I fell in love with, the one I married. I haven’t seen him in years. It is refreshing to know that there is something there that was valid and promising. I didn’t marry the “monster” that I ended up living with for 2 decades.

Do I want to take him back? Hell no! While it is refreshing to see all this, it does not make me want to take him back. I can’t. He is simply too painful to live with. He has a project now, a mission, to make this divorce work. He is good at projects. But he is simply not capable of caring for the emotional needs of another person. I can never go back!

When you decide that you are done, be done. They will try every approach they know to convince you to stay. Don’t react. Remember all the frustrations, all the tears, all the harsh words, all the blame. A well-written speech does not erase all of that or fix them for the future. If you are having trouble holding your ground about leaving, start journaling. Write down the things you can remember about how you have been treated and about how your kids have been treated. Anytime you start to question, go back and read your own words.This should erase any doubt you have. When you are done, be done. Anything short of this means you aren’t really done!

How did I know it was time to file for divorce?

I am in a 20 year marriage, and divorce has been coming for a long time. For a few years now, my friends and family have been asking me when I am actually going to file. My answer has always been, “I don’t know, but I am confident that I will know when it is time.” Every day it just didn’t feel right yet. That was okay, because every day I did the next right thing to get me closer to ready. These steps ranged from packing up some sentimental family items that I didn’t want to fight over to taking one of the boys to our trusted and amazing counselor. It included documenting things that had happened that week and even talking with his mom about what was going on. One step at a time, I put things in place, not only for the impending divorce but also for the necessary healing for me and our boys.

My Heart Knew

About 3 weeks ago, the emotional tension in our house hit an all time high. As most of my readers know, we have 2 boys together in this marriage. In August this year, our oldest son went off to college. I was concerned about this change in our household dynamics. As I feared, our youngest son became the new target for my husband. For whatever reason, my husband decided that he now needed to “fix” his relationship with our youngest son. What this means in reality is that our youngest son needs to put more effort into the relationship and make his dad feel better about himself. The conversations that this brings are extremely painful to the victim. You get told that you are to blame for everything and that all the things you have ever done are wrong. Everything you say gets turned around and used against you. You feel absolutely not good enough, completely empty, and painfully worthless.

These conversations were starting to happen on a daily basis. I watched our youngest son as he more and more distanced himself from the world. A wall was going up around his heart and anger was winning. Absolutely not!! Not to my son! Maybe it was time??

I have known for several years that divorce was coming. I have poured EVERY ounce of energy I had into helping this marriage, into trying to connect with my husband on a deeper emotional level in hopes that we could draw closer. I have exhausted every resource I had, plus created some of my own. I reached out to everyone that I thought could help him and us. Nothing ever changed! My hopes have been crushed so many times that I feel like roadkill on the side of the highway. My fuel tank is completely dry.

Then that day came. The first day ever that I felt like the next step was actually to file for divorce. I couldn’t believe it. I always had said that I would know, and somehow now I knew. This was a day that I had been waiting for for years. How did I know? I just knew.

My Body Knew

As this realization came to me, I became aware that even my body had known. You see, about a month earlier, I ran a fever for almost a week. There was no apparent reason. I wasn’t actually sick. I didn’t have a cold or a bug. Each day, I woke up feeling okay, but by the afternoon I had a fever of 102. I drank a ton, took my vitamins and essential oils, slept extra, even took a couple days off work. But nothing was helping. Realizing that I wasn’t going to beat this, I finally went to the doctor. After checking me over, she said, “I’m not sure what this is, but I think you have some type of infection.” She could not figure out why I was running the fever but wanted to put me on antibiotics. The antibiotics immediately took care of it. I finished them out and didn’t think anymore of it.

However over the next few weeks, there were many times that I felt that fever was coming back. The back of my neck and inside of my head felt incredibly hot. I wondered if it was hot flashes. I am approaching that age and have never had those yet. But this feeling of a fever lasted for half a day. I checked my temp often, but it came back normal every time. On the inside, I felt like my blood was boiling. I could feel that fever burning hot. I asked one of my friends multiple times if I felt hot to her. Each time she said no. When I had asked her on repeated days, she finally asked me what was going on. I told her that the fever was back but only on the inside. I really felt like something was starting to be very wrong with my body.

I think I had finally reached a point that my body could not take the stress level anymore. It was reacting and trying to get my attention. If this continued, I believe I really would have paid a high price.

I Listened

So how did I know it was time? I listened to my heart, and I listened to my body. When I went to actually sign the divorce papers, I thought that I might be rather emotional. I really wasn't sure how I would react in that moment. As it turns out, I was not emotional at all. When the time came to sign, my hands were shaky, and my heart was pounding. But I was overwhelmed with a feeling of peace and a sense of relief. I knew it was time!

So where are you on this journey? Are you still fighting for your marriage? For your life? For your kids? I get it. I fought long and hard. Are you counting your days until you can get out? Is divorce hanging over your head?

No matter where you are on that journey, you are not alone! I am so sorry for where you find yourself. It is not a path that you planned or ever imagined would come your way. This is not what you signed up for. It isn’t what you wanted for yourself or your kids. Please continue to reach out for help. Find your support group. There are many out there who have traveled this road ahead of you. There is life after narcissism! Take it one step at a time. Brighter days are ahead for you!

Coming soon is my next post which is how he reacted to my filing for divorce. We are in the whole process now. I have lots to learn, but am still taking it one single step at a time.

Why do narcissists give only misery?

They seem to have the best of intentions. They say they love you. They say they want what is best for you. They say they want peace and happiness with you. Yet, everyone is miserable. Why??

You can only really give that which you have. If all you have inside is misery, then that is really all you can give to others. If you have jealousy, then you give jealousy. If you have anger, then you give anger. Sure you may be able to give glimpses of happiness when you do a favor for someone, but it isn’t sustainable.

If you have joy on the inside, then you give joy. If you have compassion, then you give compassion. If you have peace, then you give peace. Sure, even these people give glimpses of anger and crankiness, but it isn’t sustainable.

A miserable person may truly wish to help others on a deep level. This isn’t a question of good intentions. They may honestly WANT to make other people’s lives better and to serve others. The desire is there and real. They can serve the poor, help the sick, volunteer in hospitals and schools. They can even try to help their children and spouse. They can do chores around the house and do favors for their family. They can try to talk, counsel and give guidance. While some of these “things” may be useful to those around them, it will be shallow and short-lived. A miserable person cannot give genuine compassion to others. They can only give misery.

Again, I’m not saying that they don’t want to give compassion, that they don’t want to help. Some of them truly do. They are simply incapable of it. Many parents want to help their children, but instead are destroying them. Their parents destroyed them with their own misery and now they are destroying their own children with it. Thus misery continues, and the cycle continues.

A miserable person can and often will try to hide their misery. They cover it and mask it. They can do such a great job of this that it stays hidden for decades. They can even go so far as to hide it from themselves quite successfully. But eventually, those closest to them start to recognize that something is wrong. They start to feel uncomfortable and guarded around this person. Often at the beginning, they do not even know why. What is happening is that they are feeling the misery.

In my early marriage, I thought I had found the most wonderful husband ever. He seemed perfect for me. He appeared to really care about me and the world around us. My family loved him, and I loved his family. I felt truly blessed to have found such a great match and thought that we would be incredibly successful together. We got married, and things were great for quite some time.

Yet as the years went by, I began to feel more and more uncomfortable around him. I couldn’t put my finger on why though. I thought it was me. Maybe I wasn’t being loving enough. Maybe I wasn’t be forgiving enough when he hurt my feelings. Maybe I wasn’t trying hard enough. I knew that marriage takes effort. I remember telling myself, “Every marriage has issues. No matter who my husband might be, we would still go through phases of this. So it’s okay, and I just need to keep loving him.”

So I tried harder. But this never got better. In fact, it kept growing. I began to feel miserable around him. I didn’t like the way he talked to me and our boys. He seemed so cold and harsh so often. Yet, he always told me that he loved me and the boys.

I talked with him one day about compassion. He told me that he is an extremely compassionate person. When I questioned this, he got quite adamant about it. He told me that if I am going to tell him that he is not a compassionate person then that was going to make him very unhappy. He was so convinced. So I started asking myself, “If he is such a compassionate person, then what is wrong here?” He clearly “wants” to be a compassionate person.

Years of researching and exploring has opened my eyes. People in healthy relationships don’t spend their time googling words like toxic relationships, narcissism, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and so on.

It is quite simple - miserable people create misery for those closest to them. I realized that my husband desired to create a loving and positive environment, but that he simply wasn’t capable of it. His internal environment was full of turmoil and misery.

If you are in a similar relationship, with a spouse, a parent, a family member, etc, you may be asking yourself, “Do I really believe that they don’t love me?” You may be convinced that they do love you and yet the relationship is full of pitfalls. No, you aren’t crazy! It is very possible that they truly want to love you. They are like the clown that WANTS to cheer everyone up, but just can’t ever get their themselves.

Does this mean you need to have compassion for them, help them and stay with them?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having compassion for them. In fact, I think that is a wonderful and beautiful thing. You have compassion because of your own beauty inside of you.

Should you help them? No, absolutely not. You can’t! They will not hear it from you, and you will go crazy trying. If they are ever going to get help, it cannot come from those closest to them.

Should you stay with them? NO! Their misery is strong and it runs deep in them. Just think about how long it has been there. You can wish them the best and sincerely hope that they get help somewhere, somehow. But that misery will rub off on you if you stay. It is okay to have compassion for them and still leave.

You don’t have to hate them in order to walk away. You can recognize that they want a healthy relationship, but they simply aren’t capable of it. Not only that, they are not able to do the intense work that it will take for them to get there. You don’t have to fix them or this relationship. No one ever said that you have to be their miracle worker!

How to Turn the Table on a Narcissist

How to Turn the Table on a Narcissist

One extremely effective tactic for when you are forced to communicate with a narcissist in your life.

Narcissists absolutely hate for the other person to be right. Especially if that person is a spouse, significant other, parent or child.

They will disagree with you simply for the sake of disagreeing. Their immediate reaction to most of what you say is to tell you that you are wrong. Then they will explain their own point of view, saying the exact same thing you did. If you try to tell them that is the same as what you said, they will adamantly deny that and explain their point of view all over again. They will put words in your mouth, saying, “No, you said….” Those words will often not be anything like what you said. If you confront them on this, they often have a standard cop-out, “Well, I don’t remember exactly word for word, but it was something like that.” Their insistence of explaining how they were right and your were wrong is never-ending. You will go in infinite circles around and around. You will get absolutely nowhere!

When a narcissist does occasionally find themselves in a place where the other person is right, they absolutely will not admit it. They cannot simply say, “Hey, you are right” or “I never thought of it like that.” They may actually get to a point that they admit you are right, but only in a back-handed way. They will make it very clear that what you are saying is stuff they already knew. Their knowledge must be greater, faster and stronger. You will hear things such as,

• “I know! I had that thought a week ago. Glad you caught up.”

• “You’re right, you must have been listening to me.”

• “I knew that was the case.”

• “I already know that, and I’ll take it a step further….”

A simple “Hey, you have a good point there,” is not within their capabilities. It threatens their ego too much. For that tiny instant, they would feel inferior to you. To admit that you are right means, internally, they have to admit that they were wrong. There simply is no in-between ground. Don’t forget, for them, this isn’t conversation. It’s combat! Every interaction has a winner and a loser, and they must be the winner, no matter how insignificant the conversation really is.

Use Their Own Game Against Them

So what do you do if you are in such a relationship and you can’t walk away, at least not yet? How do you avoid these combative interactions and their narcissistic rage?

One very effective tactic is to beat them at their own game. Anticipate their irrational reactions before they happen and call them out on it ahead of time. Use their own desire to always be right and to always prove you wrong against them.

Let me explain. Let’s say you know you have a tough conversation coming with your narcissist. Before the conversation even starts, simply say, “Now I know you are going to react hard to this, but I need to tell you…..” Then tell them. Their own burning desire to prove you wrong will keep their reaction in check. If they blow up now, then you will be right, and they CANNOT allow that to happen.

Some examples of these pre-emptive statements:

• I know you are not going to like this, but ……

• I know you are going to get mad, but …...

• I know this is going to set you off, but …….

As soon as the words “I know” come out of your mouth, their mind is already triggered to prove you wrong.

Yes this is a bit manipulative and purely intentional. But it is also a way of self-protection. Often, we still are caught in interactions with these narcissists. Maybe you have kids together and are co-parenting, otherwise known as counter parenting. Maybe you simply aren’t out of the relationship yet. Maybe it’s your parent, and you don’t want to completely cut ties. If you must keep interacting with them, then you should start finding ways to do it without losing your own mind.

Whatever the circumstances, use this tactic and watch them nearly bite their tongue in half just to prove you wrong! Enjoy it!

I Can’t Fix This!

My Shit-Sweeping Broom

So the first 10 years of our marriage were seen by him and the world as nearly perfect. We never fought and hardly ever disagreed. We were told repeatedly that we were such a wonderful fit and seemed so happy together.

Why? Because I was using a shit-sweeping broom that I didn’t even know I had. I didn’t realize that I was cleaning up after him, sweeping away the dirt he left behind.

He offended people right and left. I apologized for him. He sure never did.

He distanced himself from family members to play video games. I apologized for him, explaining that he doesn’t do crowds, that he just needs some alone time, that he will come back shortly.

He aggressively upset other drivers, flipping them off, honking, flashing his lights, yelling. I waved an apology with a shake of my head and a shrug of my shoulders.

He offended our friends, storming out of social volleyball games over minor disagreements. I apologized to them. He’s just tired, next week will be better.

He verbally abused our children, emotionally attacking them, often for things they didn’t even do. I apologized to the kids. I explained to them that he had a bad day, a rough childhood, no siblings. Or he was tired or not feeling well. I smoothed things over with them and then laughed and played with them, quickly moving on.

He emotionally attacked me for small, minor things. I explained to myself that he had a rough childhood and didn’t really mean it.

A Match Made in Heaven? I Don't Think So!

So in his eyes, our early marriage was a match made in heaven. Not so in my eyes. I cried myself to sleep many nights, thinking, “I’ll never bring that subject up again….ever!” . I carried horrible pits in the bottom of my stomach, wondering when his next explosive reaction would be. I cringed at the slightest disagreement or the smallest hint of anything that would offend him.

So how did I spend my time? Working overtime to keep him happy, to shield him from anything that would upset him, to make sure he felt good about himself and life.

So YES, he thought this was great! Who wouldn’t? He had someone who commited all of her time to making him happy, to baby-sitting his feelings, and to smoothing over all his relationship boo-boo’s. It was a great deal for him. He gets to act like an ass and have someone to sweep up after him all the time.

All My Fault

I even reached the point that everything he did wrong was my fault.

It was my fault he was addicted to gaming. I should have fussed at him more for being on the electronics.

It was my fault he got mad at the other driver. I should have warned him and calmed him before they cut him off. Or I should have been the one driving.

It was my fault he stormed out of the volleyball game. I should have called that shot, telling everyone whether it was in or out, playing the peacemaker that I am.

It was my fault he abused our kids. I should have kept our children quieter around him, making sure they were only peaceful and happy in his presence.

It was my fault that he is being an ass. I should have anticipated all these little offenses and stopped them before they reached him or before he started to react.

This way of living is simply not sustainable. It is exhausting and takes a horrible toll on your life, your energy, your health, everything.

Our 10th Wedding Anniversary

On the night of our 10th wedding anniversary, we went to a Taekwondo sparring class. As a family, we were training in martial arts. Due to busy schedules, we often would celebrate birthdays, anniversaries and other such days on a different night. We were red belts and approaching out next promotion. So we decided we would attend class that night and celebrate our anniversary over the weekend.

At class, my husband was sparring with one of our older Black Belt men. This man punched him in the side of the helmet, harder than my husband clearly wanted to be punched. My husband stormed off, throwing his helmet to the ground. The Black Belt was walking quickly behind him saying, “Hey, I’m sorry. Are you okay?” My husband never turned around, never acknowledged him, and never spoke. He went to the back room, changed his clothes and left.

Now, let me briefly explain a few things about Taekwondo. First, you are going to get punched and kicked. Sometimes it might be a little hard and hurt a bit. That’s part of the training and how you develop your own toughness and skills. Second, respect is a huge part of the training. We are taught to respect each other, no matter what the rank. Add to that, though, the rank of Black Belt holds a position of tremendous respect. Finally, along with that respect, you NEVER just walk off the floor without the permission of the head instructor, much less actually leave the building. What he did was not okay in so many ways. And I will say, if one of our boys had behaved like that, he would have climbed all over them!

I really did not want to come home that night. The pit in my stomach was gigantic! After classed dismissed, I changed in the locker room. The head instructor was waiting for me by the door. I knew I had to say something to him. I still remember the words coming out of my mouth, “I’m sorry for his behavior, Sir.” He simply said, “What he did was not okay.” “Yes sir. I know,” I responded. He then, compassionately, asked me, “Is everything okay? Are you okay?”

I knew the answer to that was no. I knew that I was in a mess of a marriage. But still not willing to face it, I told him that we were fine and that everything would be okay. He smiled and nodded, but I sensed that he saw right through me.

When I got home, I found my husband upstairs in our loft. He was sitting in the dark, crying. He told me how upset he was that no one cared about his feelings. It was all about his feelings and how “badly” everyone had treated him, all of which were perceived slights and not reality. Not only was there no apology for his behavior, the thought of an apology never even crossed his mind.

Though I still didn’t know the extent of what was to come, I now knew that we had a real problem here. I realized that I was apologizing for his rudeness, again and again. How was all of this possibly my fault? How was it all my job to fix and to clean up the messes? Why wasn’t he taking any of that responsibility?

It was still another 6 years before I actually heard the word narcissism. By this time, I had become a true expert at taking the responsibility for his behavior. My shit-sweeping skills were nearly perfect. The better I got at it, the more I felt it was my duty. After all, if I was the healthy one in the relationship, then I had to be the one to fix everything. He sure wasn’t going to do it.

I Can Fix Anything.....Except This

Up to this point in my life, I had the mindset that I could fix anything. For 45 years of life, there wasn’t hardly anything I couldn’t do. If I put my mind to it, it would get done. I know some of you, and perhaps a lot of you, can relate to this.

I remember the night, New Year’s Eve 2015. My family had all gone to bed. I was up, thinking about life and feeling very overwhelmed. Dreading spending yet another year this way. Then it hit me, “I can’t fix this!” I fell to the floor, buried my face in my hands, and sobbed. “God, I can’t fix this!” I repeated over and over.

This was extremely difficult to accept but a very necessary moment in my journey. As long as I was still trying to “fix” this, then I was still making it all my responsibility and my fault. It seemed like a defeated statement to say, “I can’t fix this.” But rather than feeling defeated, I felt liberated. For the first time in my marriage, I was releasing myself from this gigantic burden, the burden of carrying him.

If you are carrying all the blame for your narcissistic partner, then say it out loud, right now, “I can’t fix this!” Listen to your own words. Find your own path to this powerful realization. You can’t fix them. You can’t fix the relationship. You can’t cover all their faults. And it isn’t your job!

Narcissists and Emotions

Narcissists seem to have absolutely no emotional intelligence, inside themselves or with the world around them. The general consensus is that they have no understanding of basic human emotion, especially other people’s emotions. They continuously stomp all over your feelings and don’t show an ounce of care about it. They can talk harshly and callously one minute and be confused as to why you don’t want to make love with them the very next minute. Even when you try to explain it to them, they seem completely incapable of connecting the dots. In fact, just trying to talk with them about it can quickly start you on a never-ending downward spiral of verbal abuse. And again, the next day, it all just disappears, as though it never even happened.

My own teenage son once said to me, “Dad only has two states of emotion, anger or zombie. It’s all I ever see on him.” Genuine happiness, healthy pride in his sons, peaceful conversation with a glass of wine on the patio, these are non-existent. Other emotions that never show up are remorse, regret, compassion, joy, and many more.

I recently watched a video that was extremely helpful to me. It is a youtube video by the Little Shaman titled Stop Explaining to the Narcissist. She explains that the narcissists actually see the world through their own emotions. It just happens to be though that those emotions are generally quite negative and out of control. The narcissist views their own emotions as fact and completely reliable. So if they are feeling negative, which is most of the time, they will see whatever you are doing as negative. If you offer to wash their car, they will find a reason not to trust that. It must mean that you want something, because you can’t be doing it simply out of kindness.

Not only do they question your current actions and words, but those in the past too. An event from the past that might have been fine at the time can become yet another point of trouble in a heartbeat. I’ll give you a personal example. One year for our wedding anniversary, my husband took me to a beautiful restaurant. It was converted from an old farm building out in the country. It was gorgeous. I ordered duck, and that was fantastic! Conversation stayed positive, and we had a very enjoyable evening. We desperately needed some positive time together. I told him several times how much I enjoyed it. He also seemed light-hearted and happy, and I was very glad. I thought we had a great evening, and I genuinely thanked him.

A few days later, however, we were back in one of those circular conversations. You know, the ones where you find yourself defending everything you have ever done or said. He was on the attack over everything he could think of. To my surprise, he told me that I didn’t even appreciate the dinner he took me on the other night. “What are you talking about?” I asked. He responded, “You didn’t like the food, you didn’t like the conversation, you didn’t like the restaurant….you were just unhappy the whole time.” This was a shock to me. I really liked the restaurant and the food. I really appreciated that he kept conversation positive and upbeat. I so badly needed an enjoyable evening out with him.

When I watched this video by Little Shaman, this situation made sense to me now. In her words, “Events viewed through the lense of emotion are altered by the narcissist in order to fit the emotion. If they are angry at you, everything you do will be perceived negatively no matter what it is. Even things you did in the past that were okay at the time are now viewed through this lense and found to be evil. The narcissist’s “truth” changes with their emotions.”

My narcissistic husband was not remembering clearly how the evening had gone. He was only viewing it through his current negative emotions. Since right this minute he was angry and upset, then that evening must have been negative too. Everything can turn bad in the blink of an eye, leaving you rather perplexed and confused.

Most people realize that feelings are unreliable, unpredictable and fleeting. Our emotions shift around constantly and sometimes rather abruptly. The way we feel often does not make sense and is not based on thought or logic. Thus we do not rely fully on our feelings to view the world around us. This is not true with narcissists. They rely 100% on their feelings, and those feelings come from a lifetime of internal abuse and negativity. They believe these feelings and thus believe that all of the world is against them. They expect to be treated badly and will find it in every situation. Trying to rationally explain things to them is crazy-making. They are not interested in rational thinking and reality. They only care that their feelings have been hurt, no matter whether that is justified or not.

In essence, due to the enormous amount of internal negativity they carry, narcissists do not know how to feel loved and cared for. They do not know how to have a positive connection with someone. It does not matter whether it is you or someone else. They cannot have that kind of connection with anyone. They simply aren’t capable of it.

To watch the entire video by the Little Shaman, follow this link. It is well worth your time.

Learning Life Lessons as a Mother

Nothing in life has taught me more about myself than being a mom. It is the most challenging thing I have ever done. I have loved it and hated it, and both often at the same time. I used to say, “Moms get the worst fussing, but we get the best loving too.” And this was before I knew the word narcissism. I realized quickly that parenting was going to be difficult. I had no idea what was in store for me. Parenting with a covert narcissist is absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done!

Our precious little ones can become monsters around us, pushing all the wrong buttons at all the wrong times. But they can also brighten the darkest day with a snuggle and a smile at just the right moment. The little stinkers! They are impossible to figure out.

I recently came across a beautiful website about motherhood. It is www.thinkbaby.org. The founders and authors are Zoe Withers, Josephine Peterson, and Angela Jansen. This website is loaded with awesome information for mothers. While it may seem far removed from the narcissistic world I write about, one of Zoe’s articles really hit home with me. I want to share some of that insight here.

Zoe wrote an article called Important Lessons I’ve Learned as a Mother. Parenting can absolutely change your life, if you let it. What an amazing opportunity for personal growth in so many ways. Zoe mentioned three lessons she has learned as a mother. I want to take those three and apply them to myself as a mother parenting with a covert narcissist. Thank you Zoe for providing the inspiration for this article. I highly recommend you check out her blog for more great articles by her and her co-authors.

Patience, everything happens with time

Parenting does not happen overnight. Nor does becoming a good parent. Most people will agree that parenting requires patience. But they are usually referring to the patience needed to deal with the antics of a child. Patience when they dump their cereal all over the floor, for the 100th time. Patience when they wet their pants in the middle of a crowded grocery store. However patience with your child’s behaviors is not the only patience necessary.

Parenting also requires patience with yourself. Just because you became a parent does not mean for a moment that you know what you are doing. Even though your child may think you have all the answers, you don’t. They may look up to you like you are an absolute hero, but only you know how much you are blundering as you go.

Be patient with yourself. You will do plenty of things wrong. You will do plenty of things that you could have done better. You will say things that you wish you could take back. So be it! No one said you had to be perfect. In fact, setting yourself up as being perfect in your child’s eyes is quite damaging. It simply causes them to try to live up to an unreachable goal, potentially making them feel like a disappointment and failure to you. Let them know that you aren’t perfect. Apologize when you need to, to them and to yourself.

You will grow right along with them, if you let yourself. That growth is amazing. Be patient, and it will happen with time.

It’s More than Ok to Ask for Help

Parenting is hard, no shock there. Parenting with a narcissist is crazy impossible!! Drop the image that you’ve got all your stuff together. You don’t. Quit trying to play perfect to the world. Drop the image that you have it all under control. You aren’t fooling anyone, and that image is disastrous for you and especially for your kids.

In her fantastic book based on her own personal experience in life, author Alex Delon realized one day (in her words), “I’m holding myself together with barbed wire.” The picture it put in my mind and heart was so true to the life I was living. I was barely holding myself together, and the spikes of the barbed wire were digging deep. To find Alex’s book, Leaving You...for me, follow this link. I highly recommend the book.

If you are in a narcissistic marriage, then you know this painful place too. Your kids need you to be real. They desperately need a role model that shows that it is okay to be upset and frustrated AND that it is okay to ask for help. They need to know that you aren’t perfect. Reach out to a few friends for support. Tell them what is going on in your world. No, they can’t fix it, but they can be there for you to lean on. Trust me, that is extremely necessary!

Let your kids know that you have reached out for some allies. Tell them that you have told your friend or your family member. Let them know that they can talk with them too if they want. Encourage your kids to talk about their home environment with a few of their own friends. You might even talk with their best friend’s mother. Fill her in and let your child know that you did. Explain to your child that you all need allies who know what is going on and can help you if you need it.

When my boys told me that they had opened up to a few friends about what was going on in our home, I was thrilled. If they could talk with their closest friends about all this, that was a major accomplishment They were able to drop the image and to be vulnerable. If you really want to beat narcissism, this is a required step for everyone involved.

Strongly consider finding a therapist too. Find someone who is knowledgeable about narcissism. Straight up ask them what their experience is with it. It is best to find someone who has lived it firsthand. Any good therapist will allow you to ask some personal questions about their background. Don’t be afraid to ask.

Get your kids to visit that therapist too. My boys were hesitant to go at first. They thought I was telling them that they were crazy. So I disguised it a little. They both had already told me that they wanted me to divorce their dad. I told them that if I was going to do that, then I needed a counselor on my side. I needed that therapist to know what all was going on in our home. So I needed them to be completely honest with him. They both were, and they both greatly benefited. Of course, they later realized that the real reason for them to go was for them to work through their own anger. They caught me, but they were extremely grateful.

Savor every single moment, even the difficult ones

Life is made up of the moments. If you miss the single moments, then you miss life. There will be many incredibly difficult and painful moments. Your heart will viciously rip in half again and again. Let these painful times make you stronger. Feel the pain for what it is. It is not you being weak or overly emotional. It is not you just being dramatic or too sensitive, yet again. It is not something you should just get over. It is not a weakness.

These tough moments show a heart that cares, a heart that loves, a heart that beats. They reveal a soft and open heart wanting so desperately to take the pain away from the ones you love. This is you wanting to protect and to shield. It is you being real and genuine, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Don’t wait for some magical date in the future where you will finally be happy. Don’t wait for this or that to happen, such as when the kids are out of the house or when you finally file for divorce. I know you are in a tough spot. I get it. I have absolutely been there!

When my youngest boy was 14, we were in the thick of some very tough times in the home. Anger and negativity were running high. Yet I was talking to him, once again, about forgiveness and letting go of the anger. He assured me that he was working on it. I told him that I truly hoped so. He said, “Mom, I have to work on it now. If I say that I will wait til I move out of the house, then it will never actually happen. I have to learn to be happy now.”

He hit it on the head. If we tell ourselves that we will learn to be happy at some point in the future, then that point will never come. We will simply continue to put it off and push it away. The secret lies in finding peace now.

How do we do it? By living each single moment right now, both the good ones and the bad ones. Live each one, starting with the one that is right in front of you right now. Be as present as you can possibly be, every step of the way. Your kids need that, and so do you.

Parenting is quite a journey. It is extremely easy to get side-tracked and distracted from what is most important. You must remind yourself often to stay focused and on-task. The important things are the health of yourself and your kids. No matter how busy you get as a mom, and you will get crazy busy, have patience with faith, ask for help, and savor every single moment!

For more help with parenting under these adverse circumstances, I have written an ebook titled Parenting with a Covert Narcissist. This 26-page ebook contains crucial information for any parent who is struggling with the disastrous effects that covert narcissism is having on their own kids. It contains personal examples and suggestions for helping kids process their hurt and confused feelings. It will open  your heart to know that you are not alone and open your eyes to see ways to start recovering now. My boys and I are living proof that this horrible cycle can be stopped. If we can do it, so can you! Get the book here!