Professionally reviewed by psychotherapist Ross Rosenberg, M. Ed., LCPC, CADC
Will they ever grow up?? Am I dealing with a child or an adult? Sometimes I really am not sure. I feel like I have three children, my two by birth and my spouse!
Covert narcissists grow physically, mentally, and even socially. They look like an adult. They have adult responsibilities. They have a job. They have kids. They function socially as an adult. But emotionally they are NOT an adult. Their emotional growth seems to never have made it out of childhood. They are an emotional child trapped in an adult’s body and trying to function in an adult’s world. Let’s look at some of the signs of emotional childishness that is portrayed with covert narcissism.
Defensiveness
Narcissistic behaviors are quite self-protective and defensive. The patterns of behavior are formed to ward off feelings of being unloved and feelings of shame. Their own experiences in childhood of emotional abuse or emotional neglect in some way caused these patterns to develop. These behaviors are detrimental not only to those around them, but to themselves as well. It is these very patterns that get in their way when it comes to personal growth.
These defensive behaviors are adopted to protect themselves from negative feedback from others. But not just from others. It also protects themselves from their own internal dialogue, their own thoughts and feelings.
Blaming
Young children will often look to blame someone else. When they have been caught doing something they shouldn’t, they are quick to say, “But she did it first,” pointing at their friend, sibling, or classmate. Or you might be correcting one child for hitting the other with a pencil. The one you are correcting aggressively states, “But he looked at me mean.” Children learn at a very young age that it feels better to have someone else to put the blame on. Someone else to carry the burden with them or for them.
As children grow emotionally and become healthy adults, they learn that it is okay to not be perfect. It is okay to make mistakes and thus to be corrected. They no longer need someone or something to pass all the blame onto. Instead of blaming, they look to fix the problem. They don’t need a scapegoat anymore. But covert narcissists do. They still need somewhere for that blame to go in order to take the pressure off of themselves. This is a carry over from childhood.
One evening, my husband spilled some water from his cup on the kitchen floor. It was no big deal, and I was in the process of wiping it up. I said, “You spilled some water on the floor.” He sharply responded, “I don’t do that! It must have been the dogs.”
What?? The dogs? Really? And exactly how did they put all this water on the floor?
He had simply spilt some water. This was no big deal. Why could he not just admit that? No one was mad or upset about it. But he had to have someone to blame.
A non-defensive adult would say something like, “Oh? I didn’t notice that I did, but maybe. Sorry about that.” They don’t look for something to blame, but rather they work to fix the problem. They realize that they have nothing to defend. Thus there is no reason to blame.
Lying
Young children often lie to get out of or stay out of trouble.
“I didn’t do it.” “It wasn’t me.”
“He started it.” Which works both as blaming and lying whenever it isn’t true
“They said I could.” When they get caught doing something they shouldn’t be doing.
Grownups should NOT be using this childish tactic to get out of trouble.
You make plans for them to pick the kids up because you have a meeting and they don’t show up. You call to find out where they are, and they immediately say, “I didn’t know you had a meeting today.” Yet you know full well that they did.
You are frustrated that they are laying in bed playing games on their phone for over an hour instead of helping around the house. But when you speak up about it, they immediately respond, “I fell asleep.” But you know they did not.
It is fairly normal behavior for kids to try to lie their way out of something, but not a full grown adult. Grown ups deal with reality, facing the truth rather than lying their way out of it.
Name Calling
Ever heard kids yell names at each other?
“You're mean.”
“Well, you're ugly.”
“Well, you’re stupid.”
“Well, you’re fat.”
Every adult around knows that this isn’t going to go anywhere, at least not anywhere good.
Non-antagonistic adults do not resort to name-calling, but covert narcissists certainly do.
When you are trying to have an adult conversation with them, trying to explain your feelings, and maybe even trying to explain to them how they hurt you so you can reconcile together, yet they turn to name-calling.
“You’re lazy.”
“You’re bossy.”
“You’re a @@#$^$”
“You’re a narcissist!”
The victims of covert narcissism are often the ones tap dancing around their partner’s feelings. They are trying to explain how the partner’s behavior is narcissistic without actually saying that word. They are trying to talk ever so gently, finding the right magical words that won’t be too painful, and still caring for that partner’s feelings. While in the meantime, the narcissistic partner is yelling at them, “You’re a narcissist!” The one calling names is often the one who is not self-reflecting and not being cooperative. Mature adults do not make these attacks on people’s personal traits. They do not disrespect others in this way.
Impulsivity
Children lash out impulsively when they are hurt or mad. When someone accidentally bumps into them, they are quick to push and shove back. They speak and act recklessly, without a pause button that allows them to think through the situation and the potential consequences of their actions or words. Mature adults however have this pause button. They can calm themselves, regulate their emotions, and make non-impulsive decisions.
Covert narcissists lash out impulsively. If they perceive that you have hurt them or slighted them in any way, they believe that they are immediately justified to act out in any way they choose. They truly enjoy “teaching you a lesson.” If you borrow their pen without asking, they are now going through the entire house collecting all the pens and putting them on their desk. If you forget to turn the light off, they are now turning all the lights in the house on to “make a point.”
Need to be the center of attention
Have you ever tried to have dinner with adults and have adult conversation with a two year old at the table? How did it go? How was the discussion? Were you able to maintain the adult conversations? Probably not. This young child needs to be the center of attention. Everyone is responding to them. Everyone is focused on them. When you aren’t, the 2-year old will demand to be the center of your attention. “Hey, look at this. Watch what I can do.” This is very normal behavior for a two year old.
But what about your covert narcissistic partner? Ever try to have an adult conversation with someone else while your partner is there? How did that go? If the conversation has nothing to do with them, they will make sure that they are sabotaging your conversation. They will put themselves right into the middle of it all the time. While you are talking with your friend, they will interject themselves. You might be talking about something that the covert narcissist knows nothing about, but that doesn’t matter. “Oh! I know what you mean,” they state. “I had that happen the other day…” And off they go, all about some piece of their life that may or may not have anything to do with your actual conversation.
Inability to self-reflect
Covert narcissistic people cannot honestly and consistently self-reflect. They cannot put their defenses down long enough to do so. Self-reflection is checking in with yourself about how you are feeling. Asking yourself how others are responding to you. Taking a look at whether what you are doing is successful or not. This takes work, effort, and the ability to be vulnerable.
The insecurities within a covert narcissistic person causes their defenses to be incredibly strong. Putting these defenses down would bring a vulnerability that they simply cannot handle. Without the ability to be vulnerable, one cannot be open and honest with themselves. Thus they cannot self-reflect.
Children lack the ability to self-reflect because of their age and lack of life experiences. They do not yet have the time put in on life that will help them to develop emotional maturity. That is not their fault. They need time, experience and consistent love and support. When a full-grown adult lacks the ability to self-reflect, this is a totally different scenario. This lack of self-reflection will greatly hinder their ability to grow and mature.
So when you feel like you are dealing with a child, in some ways, you are. It is not your job to teach a full-grown adult how to play nicely with others. Not only is it not your job, it also isn’t possible. I mean think about it, your partner is an adult. Do you suppose by now in their life, there have been others who have tried to teach them to grow up? How many people do you suppose have tried to help them or express how their actions and words hurt? By the time they are an adult and even a parent of kids themselves, it is very clear that they don’t want to change. Why would they? Growing up is tough. Look at all the work and effort it is taking on your part. But it is SO worth it! You are stronger than you know and have so many wonderful days ahead of you! I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing.
REVIEW: “EMOTIONAL CHILDISHNESS AND COVERT NARCISSISM” BY RENEE SWANSON
Renee Swanson’s article, titled “Emotional Childishness and Covert Narcissism,” offers a clear and powerful example of how a child’s attachment experience influences their adult personality development.
Ms. Swanson illustrates how the behavior of adults diagnosed with covert narcissism, a subtype of narcissistic personality disorder, clearly show how their problematic and harmful tendencies in relationships can be directly linked to their childhood upbringing.
Typical behind-the-scenes symptoms of covert narcissism, such as impulsivity, attention-mongering, blaming, dishonesty, and others, can accurately be traced backward to coping strategies and defense mechanisms forged in a crucible of profound abuse, neglect, deprivation, and/or abandonment.
Thus, as highlighted by Ms. Swanson, in order to grasp the nature of a covert narcissist, it is helpful to conceptualize it as an interaction with a troubled child.
By gaining a deeper understanding of individuals like this, one can develop realistic expectations regarding the covert narcissist’s harmful behavior without inadvertently encouraging them to persist or intensify their mistreatment. A person intending to survive and escape the relationship forged with a covert narcissist will appreciate Ms. Swanson’s keen insights.
Ross Rosenberg, M. Ed., LCPC, CADC
Psychotherapist