Parenting the Parent: How Covert Narcissists Steal Childhoods and How to Heal

Understanding the Dynamic

Were you forced to grow up too soon? Did you feel responsible for managing your parent’s emotions, household duties, or even their well-being? If so, you may have experienced parentification, a term that describes when a child takes on the role of a parent—either emotionally or physically—due to their caregiver’s unmet responsibilities.

For adult children of covert narcissists, this experience is all too common. Instead of being nurtured, they were expected to provide emotional support, household management, and even emotional regulation for their narcissistic parent. Many survivors express feelings like:

🔹 “I had to grow up too fast.”
🔹 “I carried responsibilities that were beyond my years.”
🔹 “My childhood was stolen from me.”

But what exactly is parentification, and how does it impact those who experience it?

What is Parentification?

Parentification occurs when a child is burdened with responsibilities that exceed their developmental capacity. This happens when a caregiver is emotionally or physically absent, neglectful, or incapable of fulfilling their parental role. It manifests in two key ways:

• Instrumental Parentification: The child takes on practical caregiving tasks such as cooking, cleaning, or managing household responsibilities.

• Emotional Parentification: The child becomes their parent’s confidant, therapist, or emotional support system.

While it’s normal for kids to help with household chores, it’s not normal for them to be responsible for managing their parent’s life, taking care of their siblings full-time, or being the emotional crutch for a struggling adult.

Real-Life Examples of Parentification

Many adult children of covert narcissists can relate to these experiences:

Becoming the Emotional Support System

"I remember sitting with my mom while she cried about her life, her job, her marriage. She told me things no child should hear—how unhappy she was, how she regretted her choices. I didn’t understand, but I felt responsible for making her feel better."

Instead of enjoying childhood, they were burdened with adult emotions and responsibilities.

Managing the Household

• Cooking dinner every night

• Ensuring siblings completed their homework

• Cleaning the house

• Taking care of a parent who was passed out from alcohol or exhaustion

• Putting siblings to bed and assuring them that everything would be okay

Years later, many survivors realize: "I practically raised my siblings. I wish I had just been their brother or sister, not their parent."

Keeping the Peace in the Home

• Acting as the negotiator between parents

• Protecting one parent from the other

• Becoming a people-pleaser to avoid conflict

Making Our Parents Look Good

• Getting good grades to make the parent feel accomplished

• Excelling in sports to win approval

• Behaving perfectly in public to avoid embarrassment

Without realizing it, many children of narcissists become an extension of their parent’s ego, rather than being valued for who they truly are.

The Impact of a Covert Narcissistic Parent

A Stolen Childhood

Many survivors describe the loss of a childhood filled with joy and exploration. Instead of playing and making mistakes like normal kids, they were expected to act like mini-adults.

One survivor shared:
"I didn’t have a childhood. I was too busy trying to be perfect to win my dad’s approval."

Even years later, some find themselves reclaiming childhood joys they never got to experience.

Emotional Scar Tissue

Even after healing, many survivors describe an emotional residue—reminders of the trauma that shaped them:

• Words that linger: “You’re too sensitive.” “You’re worthless.”

• Triggers from childhood wounds: Feeling uncomfortable even in moments of peace, because they were conditioned to expect chaos.

• Hyper-awareness of their own flaws: A voice in their head constantly telling them they’re not good enough.

One survivor recalled how, years later, he struggled with self-worth because his father used to berate him for something as simple as the sound of his footsteps.

Difficulty Trusting Self and Others

• Low self-esteem

• Chronic self-blame

• Constantly second-guessing their own judgment

• Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions

• Fear of being manipulated again

After years of gaslighting and emotional neglect, many survivors develop a deep fear of trust and connection.

Parenting Struggles

Those who become parents themselves often battle:

• Fear of repeating the same patterns they grew up with

• Overcompensating by being too permissive

• Struggling to set healthy boundaries

• Unintentionally allowing toxic family members to impact their parenting decisions

Many survivors of covert narcissistic abuse cut ties with toxic parents to protect their own children from experiencing the same cycle.

One parent shared: “If I had not left this marriage, my relationship with my kids would have ended.”

Healing from Parentification and Covert Narcissistic Abuse

Breaking free from the trauma of a covert narcissistic parent is not easy, but it is possible. Here are some steps to begin healing:

1️⃣ Recognize That It Wasn’t Your Fault

You were forced into a role you never should have been in. A child is not responsible for managing a parent’s emotions or responsibilities.

2️⃣ Grieve the Childhood You Lost

It’s okay to mourn what should have been. Give yourself the space to acknowledge the pain and release the guilt that was never yours to carry.

3️⃣ Set Boundaries with Toxic Family Members

You are not obligated to continue parenting your parent as an adult. Limiting or cutting contact with toxic parents can be necessary for your mental health.

4️⃣ Reparent Yourself

Give yourself the love, compassion, and care you didn’t receive as a child. This can look like:

• Speaking to yourself with kindness

• Allowing yourself to play and explore hobbies

• Surrounding yourself with people who validate and respect you

5️⃣ Seek Support

Healing is a journey, and you don’t have to do it alone. Consider:

• Therapy or coaching to work through childhood trauma

• Support groups for survivors of narcissistic abuse

• Educating yourself about narcissistic behavior to break free from toxic patterns

You Deserve to Heal

It is painful to look back and see how much was stolen from you, but you are not alone in this journey. Healing takes time, and the fact that you’re reading this means you’re already taking steps toward reclaiming your life.

Take those lessons you’ve learned and turn them into wisdom, strength, and a new beginning. Your childhood may have been stolen, but your future belongs to you.

Your story matters, and you deserve to be heard without judgment.

Setting Boundaries in Toxic Relationships

Setting boundaries is a skill that you must develop when dealing with a narcissist! It is a skill you need to have anyways, but the need for it is more prominent in toxic relationships.

Narcissists and other toxic personalities will take extreme advantage of anyone who shows the smallest sign of weakness in their boundaries.

What type of boundaries am I talking about?

• Having space to safely express your own thoughts and feelings

• Being able to disagree without major issues

• Being free to go visit with a friend or family if you want

• Not feeling obligated to explain yourself or defend yourself on everything

• Feeling comfortable expressing your own likes and dislikes, and pursuing them

To build the skills of boundary setting, don't start with the hardest person you have in your life. Do not start by trying to set boundaries with your toxic partner or toxic parent. Because our boundaries are being obliterated by that toxic person, this person is our focus. We begin our journey by trying to establish boundaries with him/her. This is the same as a brand new driver choosing to start learning by jumping on a high-speed interstate at night in the rain. The safer approach is to learn to drive on lower speed roads in daylight and good weather.

So start building your boundary skills in easier scenarios and more cooperative relationships first. Express your thoughts and feelings with your friends, family and co-workers, even if you believe they will disagree. It is okay to disagree and still be good. Give voice to your own likes and dislikes whether others agree or not. Let go of that feeling that you have to explain yourself or defend yourself. You do not! You are simply allowed to have opinions and preferences.

As you become more skilled in boundary setting and self-expressing, you will feel more confident in doing this with the narcissists in your life! Be patient with yourself as you go. Learning new skills takes time and effort.

To learn more about how to help your kids set boundaries, watch the Q&A video with Renee Swanson here.

Check out her book Parenting with a Toxic Partner here. Get 3 free bonuses when you purchase the ebook. If you buy the paperback on Amazon, let her know at renee@covertnarcissism.com. She will send you the free bonuses if you submit a screenshot of your receipt.

Two Simple and Effective Tools for Healing the Pain of Narcissistic Abuse

Do you feel that narcissism is everywhere? The red flags of narcissistic abuse are all around us. Even the very word “narcissism” is plastered all over the internet. We are seeing the effects of the abuse in ourselves, our kids, other family members, our friends, and so on. Even our pets  feel the power of the negativity in the home.

Okay, so now we see the abuse. We feel the pain. Now what? I am often asked, “How do we heal?” If we cannot heal, there is a strong chance that we will walk right back into another abusive relationship. The cycle is incredibly powerful and has so very many people trapped. I hear so many victims say, “How could I have let it happen to me again?!?”

The key is in our healing. Without healing, we remain victims, and victims continue to get caught and trapped.

In my own personal healing process, I have found two very effective tools for processing the deep emotions and generating the power of healing. I call the two tools Emotional Burn and Imagination Burst. They go hand-in-hand and work extremely well with each other.

Emotional Burn

It is very important that you do this step in a safe and peaceful environment. I do this in my own bedroom. I turn on some calm and quiet music. I turn on my salt lamp and essential oils diffuser. Lavender oil is amazing for a peaceful environment. I sit with my favorite meditation pillow. I create a safe space, a sanctuary.

If you prefer to use an outdoor safe space, that works great as well. I like to sit amongst our magnolia trees in our backyard, listening to the cardinals sing, and feeling the warmth of the sunshine. Do not underestimate the power of your surroundings. Use them to help soothe your emotions.

Once you have created a safe environment for yourself, take a specific memory that is weighing heavy on your heart. One that still causes your stomach to drop. One that causes all of your insides to scream. I found it helpful to have previously created a list of these suffocating memories. Allow yourself to feel the intense and horrible feelings that go with that memory. Give yourself permission to feel the pain, the anger, the hurt, the anxiety, the despair. These are NORMAL reactions to what you have experienced, to the way you were treated. Tell yourself that it is okay that you felt, and perhaps still feel, this way. Allow those feelings to burn.

Picture a candle. Some candles are bigger than others. But no matter how big the candle is, someday it will run out of wick and no longer have the ability to burn. Your pain from these stubborn memories is the same way. Some have longer wicks than others. But over time, they all will burn out. If you never light a candle though, it will not burn out. If you don’t light your own internal candle, these feelings will never burn away. They will remain locked inside you, and I promise they will affect you and your future relationships. You have to allow them to burn in order for them to fade away.

I want to re-emphasize that you should do this exercise in a safe environment where you have the space needed to let the feelings out. It is best for me to do this alone in my own home, where I can feel safe with intense emotions. If embracing those memories alone is too overwhelming for you, that’s okay. Do this exercise with a trusted loved one or a therapist. Even a loving pet can be the therapeutic support you need. Over time, you will get emotionally stronger.

Knowing the Purpose of the Pain

When we place our hand on a hot burner, a seething pain shoots through our body. That pain serves a very important purpose. If we ignore it, we will be badly injured. Pain protects us and keeps us safe. It is not a bad thing, but is rather extremely useful to us. It causes us to quickly remove our hand, before thought even happens. Without that pain, we would leave our hand there not realizing that it was burning.

The same is true with emotional pain. It is not a bad thing. Without it, we lose ourselves, our soul, our identity, our genuineness. The pain is what tells us that something is truly wrong. It tells us that we need to pay attention and remove ourselves from the situation. Embrace that pain and allow it to communicate with you. It is in that pain that you will find yourself again.

Imagination Burst

The other extremely useful tool is Imagination Burst. Your own imagination is very effective in dealing with all the pain. The approach of this tool may seem contradictory to the Emotional Burn. It definitely is not though! You see, if you stay with those intense emotions burning all the time, you will exhaust yourself and go crazy. You simply cannot maintain that emotional burn for long-term. You need to purposefully take a break from it. This is that break!

I want you to use your imagination and imagine what it would be like if none of that abuse actually happened to you. Imagine who you would be right now if you had not gone through all of this. What would you be doing? What would you be thinking? Who would you be? How would you be spending your time and energy?

Do not confuse this with trying to live in denial. You are not trying to convince yourself that none of the abuse happened. You know without a doubt all the abuse that you have suffered. This is using your imagination to your advantage, to push you to better places. It is consciously taking a break from all the hard work of processing the emotions and looking at your life outside of them. Yes do the work, but you must allow your heart and mind to rest and enjoy who you are.

Create a Cycle

Both the Emotional Burn and the Imagination Burst are needed in the healing process. Get into a cycle of using both tools. There is no one right way to use these. So experiment with them. I will share my favorite way to use them.

The two tools complement each other extremely well. As you do the work of the Emotional Burn, the Imagination Burst will give you more of a picture of who you want to be as the hard work pays off. Rather than doing the Emotional Burn with no direction, this gives you a target, a goal, inspiration, and hope. It helps you to see that you will make it through this, and there is life and happiness after emotional abuse!

A Night-time Routine

Every night before I go to bed, I use both of these tools. I create the environment I mentioned earlier with peaceful music, a salt lamp, essential oils and a meditation pillow. Sometimes I even light a candle. Get creative with your environment and find what works for you.

After creating your safe space, start with the Emotional Burn. Take one of the memories that weighs heavy on your heart. Bring it fully to mind, remembering what happened, what was said, what you thought, and how you felt. As you stay with this memory, notice how you feel. Some of these feelings are crazy powerful and overwhelming. That’s okay. Remind yourself that you are in this safe environment. When you feel overwhelmed, take a moment and notice what you hear, see and smell. Listen to the music or the birds, see the peaceful salt lamp or the warm sunshine, smell the essential oils or fresh air. Remember you are safe.

Continue with the Emotional Burn. Remind yourself often that these are normal emotional reactions to a horrible situation. Give yourself permission to feel this way. If you need to cry, then cry. If you need to scream, then scream. If you need to just sit and shake, then sit and shake. Remember that it is okay and that you are safe. Allow this process to continue until you feel some of the power of those emotions die away. Watch them go up in smoke and simply let them go.

When you feel it is time, shift to Imagination Burst. Imagine what life would be like if this particular event had not happened. Remember you are not trying to convince yourself that it did not happen. You are just imagining the what-if. Embrace the feelings that come from the relief. Give yourself permission to enjoy these feelings. Allow these feelings to replace the painful feelings that just went up in smoke. The peacefulness is very welcome and appreciated. Think of it as a reward for the hard work of the Emotional Burn. Enjoy the reward!

Experiment with these two tools and find some ways to make them work for you. The Emotional Burn can be quite intense, so I think it is best to follow it with an activity that brings you back to a happier place. This is why I found it useful to go straight into Imagination Burst, but you can space them out more if you want.

Other things you could use to follow the Emotional Burn are cuddling with a pet, going for a walk, spending time with a good friend, reading a good book, gardening, a bubble bath, other forms of meditation. Purposefully plan to follow it up with something that is healing to your soul.

The Imagination Burst can be used anytime and does not need to be only in a safe environment. I have found it to be very effective when I also use it for a few minutes in the morning. It is an extremely inspiring way to start the day!

This is Your Healing

True healing can only come from within you. NO ONE can do it for you. Those close to you can love you and support you, but they cannot do any of this for you. This is your journey! Embrace it. Allow it to make you stronger, freer, and happier. Remember, you are stronger than you think you are!

Know that you are not alone. Thousands and more are making this same journey with you. Too many endure the pain alone. They hide in fear. Slowly our world is becoming a safer place for our voices to be heard. Our world is waking up to the suffering we have endured. Yes you have to do the work for yourself, but you no longer have to suffer alone!

7 Common Things the Narcissist Says to Undermine You

7 COMMON THINGS THE NARCISSIST SAYS TO UNDERMINE YOU

Narcissistic people are extremely skilled at making you doubt yourself. They can turn the most confident person in the world into a messy ball of insecurity. Without even realizing it happened! All of sudden you realize that you are doubting every thought you have, every word you say, every memory you hold, everything. Your entire reality gets extremely blurry!

I have had so many people say to me that my story sounds just like theirs. The similarities between all these different relationships are striking. So many of us could simply swap the names in the stories and tell our life history as one massive book. It is as though there is a script somewhere that narcissistic people learn, a story line that they then live out.

When you tell a narcissistic person how they are treating you, you have crossed a horrible line. They cannot accept any blame, shame, or responsibility of any kind. Nothing is EVER their fault, so you instantly become an enemy. With a covert narcissist, they will turn you into an enemy in such a subtle and manipulative way that you probably won’t even see it coming. I know I didn’t!

Here are 7 common things they say

“You didn’t let me finish what I was saying.”

When they don’t like what you are saying, this is one of the ways they shift the blame to you. It’s your fault that they didn’t communicate in a healthy and productive way. It’s your fault that they didn’t finish their thoughts.

The normal give-and-take of a conversation is impossible with a narcissistic person. My husband would sit in complete silence for several minutes, right in the middle of a “conversation.” If I spoke in that silence, I was reprimanded for interrupting him. The fact that he wasn’t speaking at the time was irrelevant. If I used that space of silence to object to some of what he was saying, then he instantly stated that I didn’t let him finish.

But there is NO finish with a narcissistic partner. They will go on and on, through countless cycles of word salad and painful silence. There is no “my turn” to talk. Anything you say is an interruption in their eyes. I found myself trying to explain, to a full-grown man, the natural flow of conversation. And of course, all of my attempts at talking were constantly interrupted and cut short.

Misunderstandings and interruptions are a normal part of every relationship. But with a narcissistic person, you never get a sense of gentleness and compassion. Reciprocity never happens. Forgiveness and understanding never appear. Meeting in the middle? What middle? There is NO middle!!

When they say that you didn’t let them finish what they were saying, this simply means that they want you to stop objecting to them, so they can go back to inflicting more damage to you and to the relationship.

“Just because I didn’t do what you wanted and when you wanted.”

This is a great one for making you feel guilty for having feelings in the first place. You instantly doubt yourself, thinking maybe you were being unreasonable and selfish. Please hear me - you are allowed to have feelings and desires! You are allowed to voice those!

When you are voicing that your feelings were hurt, a healthy person validates you. They acknowledge your feelings and express that they did not intend to hurt you. When you are voicing this to a narcissistic person, you receive immediate defensiveness. You receive no acknowledgement of your feelings and desires. In fact you are made to feel guilty for having them in the first place. Boundaries?? No way. You aren’t allowed to have boundaries.

“What about your issues?”

This was one of the main ones I heard all the time. Every time I tried to talk to him about his harshness and lack of empathy, it always circled around to this statement. “Well, what about you? Don’t you have any issues?” So I would answer. Yes, I had issues and I was/am working on them. One time, I named some of the specific things I was working on in me. Wow! Was that ever a mistake! He jumped on that so quickly and used it all completely against me. He told me that he knows all these issues I have and that it is because of these issues that he acts like he does. Everything was all my fault! Somehow we never got back to talking about the problem we were talking about in the first place!

Pointing everything back at you is a purposeful way to not take responsibility. It takes the focus off of them and their faults or weaknesses. By the time the conversation has looped around a few times, you can honestly begin to feel that all of this is your fault to begin with. This tactic causes many victims to doubt themselves and work overtime to please the abuser.

“I’m sorry, what more do you want from me?”

Apologies from covert narcissistic people are not genuine. They are not accompanied by words, attitudes, and gestures that align with an apology. They are typically followed with words that place all the blame back on you again. They make you feel that your expectations are unreasonable and out of reach for them, that they are doing everything within their power to make you happy. How could you possibly want more?

Don’t be surprised if the words “I’m sorry” are followed by a sob-story of the horrible childhood they suffered. Don’t get me wrong. I hate what my ex went through in his childhood. It was terrible, and no one deserves that! However, when he continuously uses that us an excuse for not being better, this is extremely damaging to his current relationships. While it is okay to extend compassion and support, it is NOT okay to permit them to stomp all over your feelings because of their hurtful childhood.

“What could I have possibly done any differently?”

As though their behavior was the ONLY logical behavior for the situation. You are made to feel like an idiot for even considering there would have been a better approach.

They then place it on you completely to figure out how they could have behaved differently in the first place. They make this to be your “job.” And they will carry it out to the very end. You find yourself telling them every last word they should have said, how they should say it, how they should look, and what their voice should sound like. You realize that you are explaining basic common decency to a full-grown adult.

Not only that, but they then combat everything you say. They tell you that they did do everything you are suggesting, when they clearly did not. Or they tell you that your suggestion would never work because you would react to it, continuing the belief that everything is your fault, no matter what the situation.

“You’re the only person who thinks like that.”

I was told that I am the only person who sees anger in him. He said that he asked his friends and co-workers. Friends?? He has no friends. He doesn’t do anything with anyone, ever. He sits in the house and plays video games, night after night. When I finally asked him who he was talking about, he named friends from high school that he hadn’t seen in years. He named a friend who lives on the other side of the world, with whom he stays connected through email.

What about the co-workers? They have no social interactions outside of work. We don’t go to social activities. They only know him in the work environment, and most of that is computer interaction.

Saying that you are the only person who thinks like that completely invalidates your feelings. This can make a victim feel extremely crazy and isolated. In reality, it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. This relationship with this person is your relationship. No one else’s. If you don’t like the way you are being treated, who cares what the friends and coworkers think? This isn’t about them in the first place.

“Why can’t you just get over the past?”

He set me up with this one many times. I would talk to him about how his words and attitudes hurt me and our boys. In his defensive tone, he would ask for specific examples. So I would give him some. Then he would go down his list of attempts to discredit everything. He often started by telling me that it never happened. If that didn’t work, he would tell me that I am remembering it wrong. If that didn’t work, he would find a way to make it my fault. When all else failed, he would then tell me that he can’t believe how badly I hang on to things from the past, things that we already “resolved.” He would say, “We already worked that out, but you can’t forgive me for not being perfect. I can’t believe you are still hanging on to that!”

So to prevent all of this, in other conversations, when he asked for examples from the past, I told him that I couldn’t come up with specific examples. Of course, that never went very far. His words were, “Well, how in the world I am supposed to answer for something you can’t even remember? You can’t expect me to fix something when you can’t even tell me what I am fixing.” I was then made to feel mean and crazy, and his unacceptable words, attitudes and behaviors simply continued.

No Approach Works!

A relationship with a narcissistic person is a constant word battle. There is NO approach that works, NO magic words to help them see, NO argument that will resolve peacefully.

So what do you do? You walk away! Keep your words short and simple, honest and void of emotion. When they engage in their manipulative tactics, you simply leave. I used to sit for hours, trapped in these conversations from hell. Then, one day, I realized that I just didn’t have to do that anymore. I simply walked away!

How the Covert Narcissist Plays Rejection, Abandonment, and Abuse

My marriage lasted almost 21 years. For most of these years, I convinced myself and the world that I had the perfect marriage. We were simply great together. There was no other option available. The mind is powerful and can do amazing things. I truly believed that it was a match made in heaven and that he was perfect for me.

Sure he spoke harsh from time to time, but everyone is allowed a bad day here and there. He treated others with coldness and meanness, but not me. He was distant from others, but not from me. There always seemed to be a reason for his sharpness, so it was okay. Besides we had some really good days in between these outbursts. So I swept it under the rug every time and continued to believe that our marriage was great and wonderful.

Ever so slowly, my eyes started opening. The pressure deep in my own heart started pushing through into my awareness. Tiny cracks in my thinking allowed for tiny glimpses of truth to seep in. Questions started to form in my mind. Why is he talking to me this way? Why do I feel so beaten down and anxious? Why are our boys afraid of talking to him? Is all this normal? Is this my imagination? Thus started an unbelievable journey of discovery.

I still remember so well the first day I heard the word narcissism. I was in complete disagreement, disbelief, and denial. I still believed that I could fix all this and that much of it was my fault anyways. Now, years later, I have a much greater understanding. There is so much I didn’t see and didn’t understand at the time. Even now, layers of it are still becoming more clear.

Though I didn’t know it, I was trapped in a situation of rejection, abandonment and abuse. I didn’t see it because it wasn’t the standard scenarios that often go with these words. With covert narcissists, the mistreatment and abuse are so masterfully hidden that it takes years to see, if one sees it at all. This isn’t the aggressive rejection of yelling “I hate you” or kicking you out of the house. This isn’t the obvious abandonment of running off with another woman or disappearing for days and weeks. This isn’t the apparent abuse of physical beatings and rages full of swear words and threats.

This type of rejection, abandonment, and abuse is completely hidden. My situation was so expertly covered, and I fell for it completely! Let me paint the picture for you.

Rejection

He told me all the time that I was too good for him. He told me that he loved me so much and that he wanted me to be happy. And yet he often spoke so sharply and harshly in day-to-day living! He shut down conversations with aggressive abruptness. He gave such short and sharp answers that conversation was often completely impossible. For years, I never felt safe in normal conversations with him. I felt guarded and on high alert. He continuously created an environment that was emotionally unsafe.

I remember one summer day that I was out all day with our boys while he was at work. We returned home before him. When he came home from work, I was happy to tell him how our day had been. After all, he had been complaining lately that I don’t talk with him enough and make him feel like part of the family. So when he sat down on the couch, I sat with him and began telling him about our day. He pulled out his phone and started playing a game. I was beginning to tell him a funny story about something his oldest son had done that day. I was only a couple of sentences into the story. While I was in mid-sentence, he sharply yelled, “OKAY!” at me. So I stopped and walked away, feeling completely rejected. I did not say another word about our day, and he never said a word about that interaction.

I left many of our conversations feeling extremely rejected. He would often cut me off, clearly not wanting to hear what I was saying. Other times, he would nod emphatically, with this air about him that says, “I already know this, so why are you wasting my time?” He would even interrupt me to strongly say, “I know,” or “I get it.” It always felt like a crime to talk with him about something he already knew. And since he always came across as already knowing everything, he never made me feel welcome talking to him. This was happening on a daily basis. When you are rejected in this way so regularly, you feel completely rejected in the relationship. This is not how you build a healthy marriage.

Abandonment

I would never have said that abandonment was a concern for me. I never felt like he was going to run away with another woman. I knew that he would always be home in the evenings and on the weekends. But then I realized that there was a different type of abandonment going on.

In my marriage, abandonment came within the home itself. He completely isolated himself constantly. He lost himself in video games and movies for hours on end. This was every evening after work, every weekend, every holiday, every vacation, no matter where we were or who we were with. This happened whether we were alone just the two of us or at social events with our friends and family. It didn’t matter whether we were on the Oregon Coast visiting his own mother, having Christmas activities with my family, or in Paris on a family vacation. This was on the beach, in the hotel rooms, in the restaurants, and even on a beautiful dinner cruise in downtown Paris on the Seine River. He disengaged from our lives. He checked out completely again and again and again!

At the age of 15, our oldest son spent three weeks in France. When we picked him up at the airport, we learned that his luggage missed the flight. We had to wait one hour for it to arrive. So we found a quiet corner where we could sit and chat. I was so eager to hear all about his trip, and he was eager to tell us. Within the first five minutes of our son telling us about his excursions, my husband got up, pulled out his phone, and walked away. We didn’t see him for the next 45 minutes. No explanation, no interaction, just abandonment. To this day, he has still never heard about all the exciting things our son did on that trip. This is rejection and abandonment and happened so many times throughout the years.

Abuse

Now, I have painted a brief picture of what our marriage was like. I could give you so many examples of the rejection and abandonment that my boys and I experienced. Early in our marriage, it only happened occasionally. As the years went by though, it became a daily part of our lives.

Now add on top of this one huge element! He repeatedly told me that EVERYTHING was always my fault!! It was my fault that we didn’t communicate well. It was my fault that we were distant and struggling. It was my fault that I was anxious and upset. It was my fault that he didn’t have a relationship with me. It was my fault that he didn’t have a relationship with our boys. It was my fault that he went into hiding and checked out. It was my fault that he was unable to communicate well. It was my fault that he didn’t feel respected or loved. It was ALL my fault, and ALL my job to fix.

He continuously made me feel guilty and responsible. For many years, I fell for this. I thought it was all my fault. I remember one day when I was eating lunch with a friend. I opened up to her about how I was feeling in the marriage. I told her about the excessive gaming that my husband was doing and how frustrated I was about it. I remember saying to her, “Now, I know that it is my fault that he games so much….” She immediately interrupted me, “Wait a minute! How in the world is this your fault?” She was genuinely shocked at my statement. I responded, “Well, I don’t know. I must not have fussed at him hard enough. I should have pitched a bigger fit about it.” She laughed in disbelief, “Do you hear what you are saying? He’s a grown man. His choices are not your fault!”

At the time, I certainly did not realize the absurdity here. I did not see how messed up my own thinking had become. I actually did think that his addiction to gaming was my fault and that I should have been able to stop it. I believed this even though I had tried for years to get him off his games. He completely shut me down every time. Yet somehow, I still managed to believe that it was my fault.

Another example is that I thought for years that it was my job to make sure he had a good relationship with his boys. I used to wear my brain out trying to come up with things he could do with them. Then when I did come up with ideas, he brought so much negativity into the activity that it was a disaster. So now I also had to figure out how to keep him from being so negative while he was with them. I had become convinced that this was my duty and responsibility. But it was impossible! So as his relationship with our boys deteriorated, I felt more and more like a failure.

Refuse the Craziness!

He made everything impossible, and yet expected me to fix it all. Then when I couldn’t do it, he blamed me for everything! This is absolutely psychological abuse and will drive you to insanity!

• HE made conversations so incredibly difficult and told me it was all my fault that we didn’t talk.

• HE created fear in everyone and blamed me that he couldn’t communicate with anyone.

• HE checked out of the lives of his boys and told me that I destroyed his relationship with them.

• HE did not engage in our world and blamed me for the distance.

• HE isolated himself and blamed me that he had no friends.

• HE chose his own actions and yet made me feel guilty for them.

Now that I see it with open eyes, I can finally let go of all the guilt and blame. It was NOT my fault! I did not choose for him to be sharp and cold. I did not choose for him to shut down conversations. I did not choose for him to create environments where no one felt emotionally safe. I did not choose for him to check out and hide in his games and movies. I did not choose for him to abandon his family. These were his choices!!

But now, I did choose to walk away! I will not accept the blame anymore for an environment that he creates. I choose to treat people with love and compassion. I choose to create an atmosphere of openness and freedom. I choose to welcome others into my life with open arms. I choose to establish an environment of peace!

The Distorted View of an Abuse Victim

A Distorted View of Reality

When my son was around 9 years old, he apparently needed glasses. We did not know that he needed glasses. He was not aware that things were blurry to him. He thought that what he saw was reality. For example when he looked at trees he saw a green blurry mess. For him this is what trees looked like. He did not know any differently. This was a distorted view of reality, but it was all he knew. He had no way of knowing that what he saw was not reality. So to him it was reality!

When we discovered this, of course we took him to the eye doctor to have his eyes checked. The doctor confirmed that he needed glasses. He put on his new glasses, and we walked outside. He immediately exclaimed, “Wow! The trees have leaves!” For the first time, he could see clearly the individual leaves of the tree. He was so surprised at this and found it to be very enjoyable. Now he was seeing a clear picture of reality.

Check Your Symptoms

Before getting glasses, you might experience bad headaches and not know why. These headaches can cause you to be frustrated and tired. Yet you still do not know where this is all coming from. Kids can even start having bad grades as a result of vision issues. If these things are going on with your child, you start trying to figure out why rather than fuss at them for not being good enough, right?

So take a look at yourself. These are some of the symptoms you need to be checking.

• Do you feel like everything is your fault?

• Do you feel that you are never good enough?

• Do you doubt everything you do, say, or think?

• Do you see yourself as worthless and hopeless?

• Are you losing motivation in life?

• Do you struggle to get out of bed?

• Do you feel you have no purpose in life?

If you are experiencing these symptoms, then you need to start exploring. It may not be from abuse, just like your child might not need glasses. There can be other reasons for headaches and bad grades. And there can be other reasons for your symptoms. One big thing to ask yourself is - Are you especially experiencing these symptoms around one particular person in your life and noAbust around others?

The Distorted View of Abuse Victims

Victims of abuse definitely experience a distorted view of reality. Not physically, like my son’s eyes. Rather, your distorted vision is turned inward. You do feel like everything is your fault and everything is your job to fix. You feel that no matter what you do you are not good enough and never will be. You doubt everything you do, say or think. You see yourself as worthless and  your situation as hopeless. You have an extremely tough time seeing a clear view of reality, and you might not even be aware of it. Your vision is extremely distorted.

A distorted view of reality absolutely affects you physically, mentally, and emotionally. You find yourself with no energy, tired all the time, not feeling well, and all sorts of physical ailments.Yet you do not know why. Your mind goes into hyper-drive until it reaches a point of total exhaustion and shuts down completely. Emotions become too painful to feel anymore. Your relationships suffer. Consequently, you lose all motivation to even function. There seems to be no purpose in life anymore. Building the strength to even get out of bed can prove quite challenging. You easily become more and more isolated from the world, and even from those you love, and yet you continue to blame yourself for all of this. This has a disastrous effect on your life.

Gaining Perspective

You are just like my son, trying to decide if what you are seeing is real or not. Are the trees really a blurry green mess or do they have individual leaves? Are the words on the board at school written with a blurry marker or are they clear? Is all this your fault or have you been manipulated to believe this? Are you completely worthless or is there great value in you?

Our son would never have known he needed glasses if he had not spoken up to someone, anyone. He asked me if I could read the words on the movie screen. “Yes, of course,” I replied. “What does it say?” he asked. I was surprised. “You read it,” I said. He responded, “I can’t. I can’t see the letters.” So the process that lead to contact lenses began.

You also need an outside perspective. You need to open up about what you are going through. Start talking about it. Start asking questions. Don’t keep it inside any longer. Even if your friend or family member doesn’t understand, that’s okay. The more you can talk about your feelings, the sooner you can start getting some clarity on them. Quit assuming that you know all the answers already. Let go of the belief that you can tough your way through this.

You must admit that you need help. There is absolutely no shame in that! Join support groups. Read books on healing from abuse and on mindfulness. You need tools that can help you get a better perspective of what reality is. You have to be able to get out of your own mind and see life from a healthier perspective. Just like you would go to the eye doctor to check your view of reality, don't hesitate to go to a counselor, therapist, psychologist, or any other form of help to check your view of reality.

Keep picturing those blurry green blobs that my son saw as trees. Accept that your own perspective may be every bit as blurry. There is a reason you are here looking for answers. You are not alone on this path! I wish you much peace on your journey of healing!

Others have it much worse than me, shouldn’t I just be grateful?

A Recurring Perspective

One perspective that keeps surfacing from my readers goes something like this, “I read other people’s stories and hear the nightmares they are living. Physical abuse, alcohol and drugs, sex addiction and cheating. Mine simply isn’t that bad. Sure, he gets mean and sharp sometimes, but he is tolerable most of the time. That doesn’t mean he is a narcissist. He often can actually be a very nice guy, as long as we make sure he feels special. Shouldn’t I just be grateful and keep my mouth shut? Shouldn’t I stay in the relationship because it really could be far worse? Maybe I don’t really belong in a support group. Maybe this isn’t even abuse.”

When I hear these things, I start asking them why they ended up in the support group to begin with and what brought them there in the first place. Almost always, they start describing emotional, verbal, and mental abuse. They are beaten down emotionally and mentally. They are confused and exhausted. They feel crazy and want answers. Yet they continue to justify the actions of their abuser, by saying that it really could be worse.

I Used to Say it Too

I totally understand this because I have lived it myself. I know these thoughts personally, “At least he isn’t beating me. I don’t think he would ever hurt me or our boys. I don’t think he is cheating on me. Every marriage has its issues. You know, this could be a whole lot worse. How could this be narcissistic abuse?”

And yet he continued to talk so meanly to the boys and me. He blamed us for everything that ever went wrong and many things that weren’t even wrong to begin with. He verbally and psychologically abused the boys, making them so afraid of ever upsetting him. He never listened to any of us when we tried to explain how he made us feel. He only continued to slaughter us with his tongue, while holding no empathy for his family. We walked on eggshells, always afraid of his anger, for years.

Could things have been worse? Yes, I think someone who is walking on eggshells and terrified for their own life and the lives of their kids is in a worse place. Does that make how we were living okay? Absolutely not!!

Analogy of a Broken Leg

If you have a broken leg, you don’t think, “Well, some people lose their leg, so since it could be worse, I’ll just tough it out and keep my mouth shut about it.” You don’t chose to be grateful and thus not fix your broken leg simply because their situation is worse. This wouldn’t make sense to anyone around you. Your entire family and circle of friends would be all over you to get to the doctor and take care of your leg.

Pain is pain, and healing is needed!

It is, of course, okay to recognize that things could be worse. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being grateful that they aren’t worse. But this doesn’t mean you have to stay or put up with abuse just because it could be worse. This doesn’t even make sense. Yet how many of us rationalize this way? How many of us have family and friends that even try to convince us of this?

Analogy of a School Shooter

If a shooter in one school walks into a classroom and kills just one person, while another in another school kills 30, one of these is clearly worse than the other. However just because the first situation could have been much worse, this does not take away the pain of the family of the one that was killed. That family still suffers and grieves. Their pain is very real. They are greatly affected, and it will take some time to heal.

Because one situation is “worse” also does not take away the fact that both shooters must be held accountable for their actions.  The shooter of the one person will still go to jail and face punishment, as they should. Can you imagine a judge saying, “Well, at least you only killed one. It could have been worse. You are free to go?” What!!! Media would have a heyday with that. I can see the picket lines and rioting already.

No More Justification

I think we could all find someone that we think has a worse situation than we do. That’s okay. There is no need for comparisons here. It is okay to be grateful that your own situation isn’t worse. It is okay to feel compassion for those that are in a worst situation. You also don’t have to pretend that your situation is worse than it is in order to justify leaving.

It is also okay to walk away from your situation and your abuser. Please do not use the justification that it could be worse as a reason to stay in an abusive relationship.

Abuse is abuse, and healing is needed!!

What Happens when a Narcissist Tries to “Fix” that Broken Relationship?

When does a relationship with a narcissist get worse? When that narcissist decides that they must “fix” the relationship. When they decide to “take charge” of making things right. This is a disaster!

What Does “Fix” the Relationship Mean to a Narcissist?

It means:

• They tell you all the things you have ever done wrong so that you can change.

• They tell you all the things that they have ever done right so that you can finally show appreciation.

• They tell you how they have poured so much effort into fixing things and you have done nothing.

• They tell you how great of a person they are and how bad of a person you are.

• They tell you why this is all your fault and your job to change and fix it.

• They make you feel worse and make them look better, you feel bad and they feel good.

• They use everything you say, everything you have said, and everything you have not said against you.

• They circle and deflect, keeping you in the wrong and them in the right, at all times.

• They barely acknowledge your feelings, if at all. But they are the first ones to tell you about how they feel.

When they say things like, “If we all just talk nicer to each other, then we could get along better,” they mean that everyone should talk nicer to them. They hide behind this statement and its deeper meaning. It means, “Everyone talk nicer to me.” They will still talk however they choose to talk. You can’t call them out on it because we all agreed that we would talk nicer, and that’s not being very nice.

Whey they say, “I feel disrespected and lonely,” they mean that you are not doing your job to make me feel good enough about myself. Problem is it isn’t possible for them to feel good about themselves. So no matter how much you do and how genuine your effort is, you will always fail in their eyes.

When They Come Looking for Validation and Compliments

Mine put me on the spot in one of “those” conversations. He asked me, “Can you give me one compliment? One thing you like about me?” This created a problem in me. All these different adjectives went through my head.

• Helpful? No

• Compassionate? No

• Patient? No

• Fun-loving? No

• Kind? No

• Easy to be around? No

• Fun to be around? No

• Easy to talk to? No

• A good father? No

• Happy? No

This list went on and on in my mind. I finally said to him that I was grateful for 2 things. I am extremely happy with the 2 boys that this marriage has given me. They are amazing boys, and i am very proud of them. The other thing is that I am grateful to him for providing for the family so that I could stay home and raise our boys. He responded, “So I am a paycheck to you? And you can’t even come up with one nice thing to say about me?”

I did feel a little bad about not being able to come up with something nice to say about him. So I gave it some more thought later. And even with some time to ponder, I still could not come up with positive and truthful compliments.

Instead the list was:

• Selfish

• Lazy and unmotivated

• Mean and rude

• Quick to anger

• Hard to be around

• Hard to talk to

• Angry

• Harsh and abrupt

They are Not the Relationship Guru

When someone with these characteristics tries to fix their broken relationship, it just doesn’t turn out so well. What I don’t understand is when they have all these negative traits and are missing so many positive ones, then why are we so quick to listen to them and believe them? I assure you that they are not the relationship guru. They do not have all the answers.

Oh….and by the way….when you step in and try to fix the relationship instead, the results are still about the same. They are going to rub your nose in all the things you ever did wrong.It doesn’t matter who starts the conversation, it will end the same way.

You may feel like you have to put effort into fixing the relationship. I understand that. I never tried so hard at anything in my life. I gave it everything I had. You will not find someone more determined than I was at fixing my broken marriage. So put in the effort, and see how it goes. Listen to their words and their attitude. It takes two to fix a broken marriage. If they are laying all the blame on you, then you are playing solo.As long as that is the case, this isn’t fixable.Simply walk away.

From Victim to Survivor to Victor

When you are dealing with a covert narcissist, it is so incredibly hard to see the abuse, especially at first. You may know that something is wrong in the relationship, but you are just as likely to blame yourself as you are to blame your partner. In fact, you are probably more likely to blame yourself. I think all of us begin in denial.

The Denial

“I’m not being abused. This doesn’t apply to my relationship. He’s just…… or she’s just…….” Fill in the blank. Tired, cranky, busy, angry, not feeling well, socially awkward, recovering from an abused childhood, and so on. How many years can these excuses go on? For me, it was 17 years. For others, I have heard as many as 45 years. Excuse after excuse after excuse. At some point, I started to realize that the “He’s just….” was not an excuse but rather a definition of who he was.

If I’m always making excuses for him because he is cranky that day, but it’s every day, at some point I have to realize that cranky is just who he is. That “recovering from an abused childhood” becomes an excuse and a crutch when it explains their bad behavior for years and years. He is never going to get better. He likes his crutches and hides behind them.

The Victim

So the fog started to clear from my mind. I felt like a beaten down puppy, living with a justified owner who could talk to me anyway he pleased without a care in the world. The denial went away, and I ran head first into the realization that I was a victim! It took one visit to a therapist to really get me to see it for myself.

“OH, $^*&^%*&^*&!!! What is really going on here?!?” This realization was incredibly painful! I thought he loved me. I committed my life to him. I thought we were teammates, facing the battles of life together.

As quickly as the clarity came, it would also disappear just as fast. One minute the abuse was clear in my mind. I could see it. I could explain it. But the next minute, it vanished into thin air. I couldn’t grasp it anymore. I couldn’t explain it. Instead I doubted myself and blamed myself, for the millionth time.

But I continued pondering, watching his attitude, listening to his words, observing my feelings and reactions. He was the reason that I felt beat down and insecure. He was the reason my anxiety level and exhaustion were so high. At this point, I found myself all over the board emotionally. I rotated between disbelief, resistance, despair, grief, denial, anger, even rage. This was the roller coaster from hell!

At this point, the need for external validation is incredibly strong! You have received practically no validation from your partner or anyone else up to now. Many victims, including myself, will desperately try to get their partner to see how they are treating them. You want them, so badly, to see the abuse they are dishing out for what it is. Maybe this is in hopes that they will change. Maybe it is because you want them, just once, to finally feel bad about it.

In this stage, anger is strong in the victim. They vent to anyone who will listen. The desire to expose the abuse is huge. Revenge is screaming at their heart. “Look at what they did to me! This isn’t right! It isn’t fair! Look how much it has hurt my children!” Daily, you gather more evidence and more examples of the abuse. You want to scream this from the rooftop!

A problem arises though, your friends and family don’t see it. They don’t understand what you are saying. They don’t agree that you have been abused. They tell you that you are over-reacting or being petty. This is incredibly painful!!! A harder hit than some of the abuse itself. Despair and self-doubt replace the anger.

What do I do now??

The Survivor

The second phase is that of the survivor. When does it hit? It hits when you run out of fuel in the victim phase, when you just have no energy left and can’t take it anymore. This is when you fully realize that they are never going to get it and you stop trying to explain it to them or change them.

Everyone stays in the first phase of being a victim for different lengths of time. How long you stay is based on various factors:

• Your own awareness of the abuse

• Length and intensity of the relationship

• If you have kids with them and the age of the kids

• How hooked you were by their love-bombing

• The extent of your own support group

• How secure or scared you feel about leaving

• How determined you are to change them

• Your willingness or unwillingness to accept that they will never get it and move on

• Your willingness to stand up for yourself

None of these things make you a bad person or the one responsible for the break-down of the relationship. They do however play a huge role in determining the amount of time you remain hooked in the narcissistic relationship. Some people run for their lives early in the relationship, maybe one year in and before marriage or kids. Others, however, remain for decades, as many as 40 or 50 years.

For me, the survivor phase hit when my energy tanked out. I had nothing left inside me. My fuel tank was empty, and I hit rock bottom. I no longer had any desire left to try to explain anything to him. I had tried so hard, and he combatted everything I said, all the time. I was done!

At this point, I realized that this was having a huge effect on my physical health and mental and emotional well-being. So survivor mode kicked in. It was time to quit trying to help him and instead to focus on helping myself. I became completely indifferent to him. I no longer cared what he thought or said. I no longer reacted to his attempts at baiting me. I no longer wanted revenge, as this just kept me trapped in his web. I just wanted out. I later discovered that this is called going Grey Rock. I didn’t know it had a name until much later. For more on grey rock, read my recent post When I told my Covert Narcissist that I was Done

One other gigantic step to move from victim to survivor is to quit gathering evidence of the abuse! This is extremely necessary. Yes, in the beginning, you need to gather the evidence. You need to prove to yourself that you aren’t crazy and that he/she is abusing you. You need to get clarity in why you feel the way you do. But at some point, in order to move forward in your own healing, you have to stop gathering evidence. You need to trust what you have learned and close your case. You must be able to say, “Now, the prosecution rests.”

The realization that they are never going to get it is a tough one, but also a very freeing one. You no longer feel responsible to be the one to show them. It wasn’t my job anymore. I can’t change him, but I can change me. So I started taking steps toward moving one. Everyday I simply did the next right thing, whatever that was. Sometimes they were small things and sometimes they were huge things.

It is easy to get stuck in the victim phase. Move on!! You have much better ways to spend your time and energy. You have other things to think about and do. You have other people that need you in their life. Your thoughts and feelings do matter in this world. They don’t matter to your narcissist. So staying in the victim role, still battling with him/her, will keep you feeling like you don’t matter. You will continue to desperately try to prove that you do. There is life outside of narcissism. Start taking care of you and your family because you deserve it.

The Victor

The Victor phase is amazing!! This is a phase of empowerment and growth. You have truly moved on in life and no longer think about this narcissist thing.

How do you know when you have reached this phase?

• When you no longer wake up every morning with him/her on your mind.

• When the constant internal arguments are gone.

• When you all of a sudden realize that you haven’t thought about him/her in a long time.

• When you realize that you carry positive energy for a change.

Please know that it is impossible to get entirely to the phase of victor if you cannot get him/her completely out of your head. If you are still seeking revenge, you won’t get there. If you are still holding on to the anger, you won’t get there. If you are still checking their social media, you won’t get there. Unfortunately, if you are still raising kids together, you won’t get there….not entirely….not yet.

If you are not quite to this phase yet and want to be, you might ask yourself these questions.

• What would I be thinking about if I wasn’t thinking about him/her and all this narcissistic garbage?

• What would I be doing with my day if he/she had never been a part of it?

• What would I be researching on the internet if I wasn’t googling narcissism, emotional abuse, unhappy marriage, etc?

Find a few things in life that you really enjoy, things that make you feel happy and satisfied. Think about these things. Ponder them and explore them. Learn more about them. Make them a hobby and use them to begin to occupy that time you are trying to fill with other things. Learn about the resources out there. Find others who share this interest. What kind of things? you might ask. I don’t know where to start. Here are a few suggestions: dancing, nature, reading, music, sports, cultural history, photography, a new language. There are so many wonderful options out there.

In this process, pay close attention to your thoughts. They will try to wonder back to all the garbage of your past, especially at first. Don’t sweat that too much. It is that way for everyone. Just be aware of it and purposefully shift your thoughts back to your new positive things to ponder. There are a ton a great resources out there on mindfulness. To get started, check out my Resources page. Give yourself permission to move on and enjoy life once again.

There is life after narcissism!!

Sometimes We Stay for Our Kids.....At Least For A While

I am right now at the point of making the single hardest decision I have ever made. Do I stay or do I leave? Do I file for divorce or do I keep putting it off?

This is NOT an easy decision. It is one I have faced before, but never like I do now. These last few days have put this question in front of me in a way like never before. For many of my friends, this seems like such an easy decision. They see the abuse, they see the anguish in me and in our boys, they know that we have suffered. “Just get out,” they say. I know they mean well, and it seems so straight forward to them. But it isn’t!!

Many of them have asked me why I have stayed as long as I have. I have one simple answer to that. For our boys. I know in some situations it seems the right choice to leave, but please understand that in some situations it seems the right choice to stay, at least for a while. So let me explain.

Sacrifices for Our Kids

I have two amazing boys. They are my world, and I would do anything for them. I could not bare the thought of them spending alone time with their narcissistic father. At times when I did have commitments, I realized that one evening alone with him consistently did so much damage to them. I repeatedly came home to so much tension and negative energy in the house that I just couldn’t stand it. It got to where I started canceling all the evening engagements that I could. I didn’t go out with my girlfriends, hardly ever. I had to work some in the evenings, but I would rush home as fast as I could each time.

I’ve heard horror stories of judges placing custody of the kids into the hands of the narcissistic parent. These parents are very capable of charming the courts and appearing quite stable and caring. The non-narcissistic parent, who by now has nearly lost their mind with all the head-spinning circular conversations and sheer exhaustion, can appear exasperated and unstable. There was just NO way that I was going to put the lives of my boys into the hands of a judge I did not know. A judge who does not know my husband and who could easily be snowed over.

Even if I gained full custody, I also knew that they would still have to spend time with him. Every other weekend, some holidays, even some of summer break. NO WAY!! Then I would not have been there to help them process all the negativity. I would not have been there to play buffer and step in the way of the line of fire.

Personal Example

I’ll give you a perfect example. Two years ago, our youngest was 14 years old. I knew that he and his dad had gotten into it over what tv show to watch. Our son wanted to watch MASH, but my husband wanted to watch Frasier. Rather than being able to peacefully work to a compromise, this became a heated issue, like many times before. My husband was harsh and demanding to his own son, who just wanted to watch a simple tv show with his family. How many dad’s out there would give money for their son to want to watch a show with the family? We ended up watching nothing, and our son went to his room to get on his phone instead.

My husband asked me if I thought he had done anything wrong here. He would often ask me, but then argue with anything I said. He didn’t ever want my opinion. He wants an audience so he can argue his point. This is just a “polite” and subtle way to get to that argument. I told him that I didn’t understand why he cared SO much about what show we watched. We have watched so many episodes of each of these, so what difference does it make? A lot of parents would just be thrilled that their teenage child even wants to watch a show with them at all. He responded, “So, I’m just supposed to let him win all the time?” Win? Who said anything about winning? This isn’t a competition. It’s just a show on tv. It was clear that my husband also didn’t care what show we actually watched. He only cared about who “wins” as the picker of the show.

He then decided to go upstairs and “fix” things with our son. This is the worst part!! His way of fixing things is to tell you everything you have ever done wrong. You find yourself defending anything you have ever said, thought or done. Even things you haven’t said, thought or done. It is a horrible place to be, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

For all of our children’s lives, I have tried to stop these horrible conversations. I call them circular conversations from hell. No matter what you say, he will throw everything back at you, making everything your fault. You can try to express your own thoughts and feelings. However, he will manipulate your words, twisting them around so much that you don’t even know what happened.

This particular night, after they had been in the room for quite awhile, I tried to interrupt this conversation. I came in and reminded our son that he had a math test the next day and that it was getting late. I looked at his dad and said, “He really should get to bed soon.” It was almost 10:00 at night. About 10 minutes later, my husband came out of our son’s room. As usual, he never said a word to me about what had happened or how things were. He got ready for bed, went to bed, and was sound asleep without a care in the world.

So I went to check on our son. I found our 14-year old son curled up in a ball on his closet floor. He was surrounded by his stuffed animals from childhood, crying and saying over and over, “I hate myself. I hate myself.” This image is forever implanted in my brain and makes me want to scream.

I simply held him for a while. I assured him that he was safe and fine. I asked what had happened, but he didn’t want to talk about it. I knew it was late, but he sure couldn’t go to sleep like this. I took him downstairs and outside to our back patio. We train in martial arts and have a hanging bag out there. I wrapped his hands and said, “Start pounding.” He attacked that workout bag for a hard 15 minutes with tears streaming down his cheeks. Then he plopped down in the chair beside me, huffing, and said, “Thanks, I needed that.”

Then we talked. I asked him if he wanted to tell me about the conversation with his dad. He did, so I listened. I didn’t have any great words of advice. His dad was playing the same manipulative games he always played. There was nothing magic I could say to my son. But I listened. I told him that I understood. I knew how he felt because I had been there so many times before. We talked for nearly an hour. By this time, I could feel that the emotionally energy in him had subsided. He thanked me for simply allowing him to vent. Around 11:30 now, he went to sleep much more peacefully.

If this had been one of his weekend’s to spend with dad, I would not have been there to help release that emotional energy. I didn’t do anything amazing or spectacular. I was just there for him, that’s all.

So when someone says that it is their choice to stay, for now, don’t judge them. If you are in that position struggling to decide what to do, my best advice is listen to your heart. Quiet your mind. It will run in circles forever. Simply tell it to take a break. Then you can listen to your heart. Let your heart guide you. If someone questions you, that doesn’t matter. Only you know…..deep inside.

Narcissists: Is it okay to love them and still walk away?

Is it okay to love them and still walk away?

Absolutely YES!!!

I hear so many people questioning themselves about walking away from abusive relationships. If this is you, please read on.

First let me say, I fully recognize that narcissists and abusive partners can definitely be male or female. For the ease of writing and reading, I am using the “he” pronouns here. Please substitute “she” if your situation calls for that.

Does the following sound familiar to you? You are in a relationship of some sort, marriage or otherwise. Something in your relationship just isn’t right. Maybe you are having a hard time putting your finger on exactly what that is or maybe you have already identified the problems. You don’t like the way your partner treats you. His (or her) words are harsh and uncaring. Maybe he blames you for everything and refuses to take any personal responsibility for his own actions. Maybe he even hits you from time to time.

Yet for some strange reason, you are still in this abusive relationship. Why haven’t you left?? Your friends and family may be asking you that. “Leave,” they tell you. “Just walk away.” To them, it often seems like such a simple decision. You find it surprisingly difficult to explain to them why you haven’t left.

Perhaps you even get resolved in your heart to leave, and once again, that manipulative, crazy-making partner of yours turns all sweet and romantic. He makes himself vulnerable and loving. You may find yourself feeling sorry for him, knowing the abuse in his own background. Clearly he is hurting inside, and you desperately want to care for him.

Making You Crazy

Then all the crazy questions start running through your exhausted mind:

• How can I hate him?

• Do I still love him?

• Why am I feeling this way towards him?

• Is he really that bad of a person?

• Am I just over-reacting?

• Maybe I can help him?

• Will he really change this time?

You start thinking to yourself, “Clearly I still have feelings for him. I still love him. Can I really just walk away? How can I leave him? Is it okay to love him and still walk away?”

The answer is ABSOLUTELY, YES!!

Compassionate Love vs. Romantic Love

There is a huge difference between compassionate love and romantic love. Having compassion for someone does not mean you want to have an intimate relationship with them or spend the rest of your life with them.

Compassionate Love Says:

• I care about you.

• I want you to be happy.

• I wish the best for you.

• I am willing to help you if I can.

• I am sorry that you are hurting.

• I don’t expect anything in return when I show compassion to you.

Romantic Love Says:

• I wake up everyday wanting to spend time with you.

• It feels great to spend time with you.

• You make me feel so happy to be me.

• I enjoy watching you being you.

• I wish the best for you and feel that you wish the best for me too.

• The genuine connection we have goes both ways.

• There is natural give and take as we both have needs and love.

• I know you are there for me when I am hurting and your support feels great.

• You allow me to be there for you when you are hurting.

• We have each other’s backs.

• Though we may have bumps along the way, our relationship is natural and easy.

Don't Confuse Them

Don’t mistake the compassion you feel for a narcissist in your life for romantic love. If you are here reading this, then you are already feeling that something is wrong in your relationship. Listen to your heart. It knows that there is a problem long before the mind does.

Romantic love blossoms when two people can connect with each other with genuineness and mutual compassion. It flourishes when two people can trust each other to the point of being able to lay your heart open for each other and be vulnerable.

When you don’t have that level of trust with each other, then romantic love is forced. You say you have it, but deep in your heart you know that something is missing, that something is wrong.

Powerful Revelation

I recently had a powerful revelation. I don’t have to hate him in order to walk away!!

This was so eye-opening for me, so freeing. He has hurt me so badly over 20 years, and yet I still don’t want to hate him. But I also don't have to wait until I do hate him to justify walking away. I can choose that this is not the relationship for me, that I don't want to feel this way anymore.

I do hope that someday he can get the help he needs, but I no longer feel that I have to wait around until it happens. I don’t have to be the one to find the answers for him. He won’t listen to me anyways. Just because I do wish him the best does not mean that I have to stick around and keep taking all the abuse. We are never going to get to a point of genuine connection and reconciliation.

It is okay to care about him and yet to simply walk away.