The Emotional Dysregulation of a Covert Narcissist

I’m mad! So I yell at you, punch the wall, storm off, stomp my feet, shove the chair, and slam the bedroom door! I don’t care that you don’t like it! I don’t care that you now feel bad. In fact, I’m going to wait in my room until you come and apologize to me! Who am I?

I'm a 2 year old toddler throwing a fit, or a teenager dealing with hormones, social anxiety, and overwhelming schoolwork, or a full-grown adult covert narcissist.

How do you handle the situation?

For the 2 year old, you parent them. You take away their favorite toy, have them take a time out, and let them know that this behavior is not okay. You talk with them about emotions. Help them to learn how to handle being angry, and tell them that you love them.

For the teenager, you probably ground them. Take away their phone and the car, can’t spend time with their friends. Cancel their fun events. And encourage them to make amends. You talk with them about how their behaviors affect those around them, trying to help them to see outside of themselves. And you try to connect with them and you tell them that you love them.

For the adult covert narcissist, you tiptoe around them. Figure out what set them off and add that to your checklist of things to make sure never happen again. After countless attempts of trying to connect with them, resulting only in circular conversations, you instead wait for this behavior to disappear, for the abuse amnesia to set in, and you both pretend that it never happened.

The problem is this behavior is the same from a 2 year old, to a teenager, to a full-grown adult. As such, it is understandable from a toddler, expected from a teenager, and shocking from an adult.

What is Emotional Regulation?

When asked what is emotional regulation and how do you teach it to your children, let’s start by identifying what it is not.

• It is not spilling your emotions all over the other person

• It is not when someone is experiencing negative emotions and thus treats the people around them with sharpness, blame, rage, entitled anger, yelling, slamming doors, and breaking things. This is like kicking the dog because you are mad.

• It’s not, “I’m mad, so I can do whatever I want. You better get out of my way.”

This is entitlement. While everyone does have a right to get angry at times, this does not give you the right to stomp all over everyone else’s feelings, to behave like a 2 year old or a hormonal teenager.

Emotional regulation also is not the sulking victim mode. Being cold and distant, using the silent treatment. Sulking around, dropping self-care, disassociating, addictions. Being defensive and hypersensitive. This also leads to the people around you walking on eggshells to keep you happy. Going out of their way to meet your needs and expectations to avoid the painfulness of your cold and harsh attitude. 

So what does healthy emotional regulation actually look like?

Let’s look at it first in you and then you can work on teaching this to your children. You cannot teach this to your children if you don’t know how to do it yourself. You have to put your own oxygen mask on first and then help you child. 

You may have heard of the saying “Do as I say, not as I do.” That really doesn’t work in parenting. You can’t tell them to spend less time on electronics, while your nose is in your phone all the time. They will do as you do, not as you say. You can’t tell them to treat others with respect while you walk all over people and treat them with disdain. This won’t help your kids to learn courtesy and respect.

You can say whatever you want. Your words mean nothing if you aren’t listening to them yourself. Don’t try to teach emotional regulation to your kids while you are emotionally dysregulated. So let’s start with you!

Identify your emotions

It starts with learning to identify your own emotions and admit them to yourself. Give yourself the permission to be human! Use the emotions wheel. Work on understanding how you are feeling. Don’t just ignore the chemistry that is going on inside of you. Instead, work with it and make peace with it.

Say things like, “I am overwhelmed today. Life feels heavy, scary, uncertain. This feels horrible to me. I really just want to take a break from the weight of it.”

Or “I feel really optimistic today. I am hopeful for what is coming, eager and motivated to move forward. This feels good to me.”

Everyday or most days write down how you are feeling in 2-3 sentences. Get used to acknowledging your feelings. Start verbalizing them. Tell them to a few trusted friends or family members.

Now, Help Your children

Help them to do these same things, especially after you have a little practice at it. Encourage them to write them down in a couple of sentences of their own. Give your kids an emotions pillow, keychain, or poster. Talk through all the different emotions on it. Get them a journal to use. Encourage them to write about their own feelings too. Identifying the emotions and learning to read them is a starting point. Now what do we do with them?

Express your Emotions

Learning to express your emotions in a healthy way is extremely important, both for you and those around you. What does it mean to express your emotions? Let’s begin again by looking at what it is not.

Not expressing your emotions is not emotional regulation. There is a misconception here and I want to address it here. Emotional regulation doesn’t mean don’t ever be emotional. We seem to put this expectation on ourselves. We over-regulate, putting a huge cap on our own emotions, shoving everything inside and bottling it all up.

In fact, we often praise people for being able to stay silent and controlled, swallowing their feelings, remaining stoic. They are so mature and capable. It’s like their feelings don’t exist.

This isn’t healthy and it isn’t sustainable. You become like a psychological grenade, just waiting to explode or implode. This can manifest as either or both physical issues and mental struggles.

Many victims of covert narcissistic abuse think that they are managing the situation really well by keeping their thoughts and feelings to themselves. Swallowing their own feelings, they stay silent. Anything else is too risky. Yes, this is a timebomb waiting to go off. And it doesn’t do our kids any favors.

Exercise for Emotional Expression

So how do we express our emotions in healthy ways? Write down each of the main emotions, happy, sad, angry, fearful. Under each one, write a few ways to express that emotion. 

Happy

• Sing and dance

• Go for a walk

• Call a friend

Sad

• Curl up in bed with a stuffed animal

• Hold you dog or cat

• Have a good cry

Angry

• Go outside and let out a scream

• Hit your pillow or a workout bag

• Go for a run

• Spend time alone

Fearful

• Call a friend and tell them about your fear

• Listen to comforting music

• Pray or meditate

As you get better at this, start including the more refined emotions, such as anxious, busy, vulnerable, or distant. Do this same activity with your kid. Help them make their own list. It can and should be different from yours. There are no right or wrong answers here. Learning to express your own emotions is an individual journey. Even for our young ones. Encourage them to be creative.

Healthy Expression of your emotions

Healthy expression of your emotions does not always come out calm and peaceful. It isn’t always controlled and mature. Sometimes it needs to be explosive and seemingly out of control. This is healthy, but must be done in a way that doesn’t stomp all over those around us. For example, you may have a strong emotional reaction to your child not being ready to walk out the door on time. You are so frustrated with this repeated offense, and you just want to get moving. You don’t start screaming at them, threatening them, grabbing them. You might tell them to meet you in the car, walk out ahead of them, get in the car, and let out a frustrated scream alone. You aren’t losing your mind. You aren’t going crazy. It is okay for you to have an emotional response to the situation. You don’t have to be stoic and unreactive, showing extreme patience, chasing away your own feelings. Instead, acknowledge how you feel, name it, express it, feel it and process it.

There is nothing easy about this walk, especially when you are in a narcissistic relationship. But you can do this! It gets easier too, the more you do it. Especially when you begin to see and feel the benefits. Reconnecting your head and heart back together is a significant part of the recovery from cognitive dissonance. Your heart already has its feelings. Help your mind to get on board with it. I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing.

Emotional Childishness and Covert Narcissism

Professionally reviewed by psychotherapist Ross Rosenberg, M. Ed., LCPC, CADC

Will they ever grow up?? Am I dealing with a child or an adult? Sometimes I really am not sure. I feel like I have three children, my two by birth and my spouse!

Covert narcissists grow physically, mentally, and even socially. They look like an adult. They have adult responsibilities. They have a job. They have kids. They function socially as an adult. But emotionally they are NOT an adult. Their emotional growth seems to never have made it out of childhood. They are an emotional child trapped in an adult’s body and trying to function in an adult’s world. Let’s look at some of the signs of emotional childishness that is portrayed with covert narcissism.

Defensiveness

Narcissistic behaviors are quite self-protective and defensive. The patterns of behavior are formed to ward off feelings of being unloved and feelings of shame. Their own experiences in childhood of emotional abuse or emotional neglect in some way caused these patterns to develop. These behaviors are detrimental not only to those around them, but to themselves as well. It is these very patterns that get in their way when it comes to personal growth.

These defensive behaviors are adopted to protect themselves from negative feedback from others. But not just from others. It also protects themselves from their own internal dialogue, their own thoughts and feelings.

Blaming

Young children will often look to blame someone else. When they have been caught doing something they shouldn’t, they are quick to say, “But she did it first,” pointing at their friend, sibling, or classmate. Or you might be correcting one child for hitting the other with a pencil. The one you are correcting aggressively states, “But he looked at me mean.” Children learn at a very young age that it feels better to have someone else to put the blame on. Someone else to carry the burden with them or for them.

As children grow emotionally and become healthy adults, they learn that it is okay to not be perfect. It is okay to make mistakes and thus to be corrected. They no longer need someone or something to pass all the blame onto. Instead of blaming, they look to fix the problem. They don’t need a scapegoat anymore. But covert narcissists do. They still need somewhere for that blame to go in order to take the pressure off of themselves. This is a carry over from childhood.

One evening, my husband spilled some water from his cup on the kitchen floor. It was no big deal, and I was in the process of wiping it up. I said, “You spilled some water on the floor.” He sharply responded, “I don’t do that! It must have been the dogs.”

What?? The dogs? Really? And exactly how did they put all this water on the floor?

He had simply spilt some water. This was no big deal. Why could he not just admit that? No one was mad or upset about it. But he had to have someone to blame.

A non-defensive adult would say something like, “Oh? I didn’t notice that I did, but maybe. Sorry about that.” They don’t look for something to blame, but rather they work to fix the problem. They realize that they have nothing to defend. Thus there is no reason to blame.

Lying

Young children often lie to get out of or stay out of trouble. 

“I didn’t do it.” “It wasn’t me.”

“He started it.” Which works both as blaming and lying whenever it isn’t true

“They said I could.” When they get caught doing something they shouldn’t be doing.

Grownups should NOT be using this childish tactic to get out of trouble.

You make plans for them to pick the kids up because you have a meeting and they don’t show up. You call to find out where they are, and they immediately say, “I didn’t know you had a meeting today.” Yet you know full well that they did.

You are frustrated that they are laying in bed playing games on their phone for over an hour instead of helping around the house. But when you speak up about it, they immediately respond, “I fell asleep.” But you know they did not.

It is fairly normal behavior for kids to try to lie their way out of something, but not a full grown adult. Grown ups deal with reality, facing the truth rather than lying their way out of it.

Name Calling

Ever heard kids yell names at each other?

“You're mean.”

“Well, you're ugly.”

“Well, you’re stupid.”

“Well, you’re fat.”

Every adult around knows that this isn’t going to go anywhere, at least not anywhere good. 

Non-antagonistic adults do not resort to name-calling, but covert narcissists certainly do. 

When you are trying to have an adult conversation with them, trying to explain your feelings, and maybe even trying to explain to them how they hurt you so you can reconcile together, yet they turn to name-calling. 

“You’re lazy.”

“You’re bossy.”

“You’re a @@#$^$”

“You’re a narcissist!”

The victims of covert narcissism are often the ones tap dancing around their partner’s feelings. They are trying to explain how the partner’s behavior is narcissistic without actually saying that word. They are trying to talk ever so gently, finding the right magical words that won’t be too painful, and still caring for that partner’s feelings. While in the meantime, the narcissistic partner is yelling at them, “You’re a narcissist!” The one calling names is often the one who is not self-reflecting and not being cooperative. Mature adults do not make these attacks on people’s personal traits. They do not disrespect others in this way.

Impulsivity

Children lash out impulsively when they are hurt or mad. When someone accidentally bumps into them, they are quick to push and shove back. They speak and act recklessly, without a pause button that allows them to think through the situation and the potential consequences of their actions or words. Mature adults however have this pause button. They can calm themselves, regulate their emotions, and make non-impulsive decisions.

Covert narcissists lash out impulsively. If they perceive that you have hurt them or slighted them in any way, they believe that they are immediately justified to act out in any way they choose. They truly enjoy “teaching you a lesson.” If you borrow their pen without asking, they are now going through the entire house collecting all the pens and putting them on their desk. If you forget to turn the light off, they are now turning all the lights in the house on to “make a point.”

Need to be the center of attention

Have you ever tried to have dinner with adults and have adult conversation with a two year old at the table? How did it go? How was the discussion? Were you able to maintain the adult conversations? Probably not. This young child needs to be the center of attention. Everyone is responding to them. Everyone is focused on them. When you aren’t, the 2-year old will demand to be the center of your attention. “Hey, look at this. Watch what I can do.” This is very normal behavior for a two year old.

But what about your covert narcissistic partner? Ever try to have an adult conversation with someone else while your partner is there? How did that go? If the conversation has nothing to do with them, they will make sure that they are sabotaging your conversation. They will put themselves right into the middle of it all the time. While you are talking with your friend, they will interject themselves. You might be talking about something that the covert narcissist knows nothing about, but that doesn’t matter. “Oh! I know what you mean,” they state. “I had that happen the other day…” And off they go, all about some piece of their life that may or may not have anything to do with your actual conversation.

Inability to self-reflect

Covert narcissistic people cannot honestly and consistently self-reflect. They cannot put their defenses down long enough to do so. Self-reflection is checking in with yourself about how you are feeling. Asking yourself how others are responding to you. Taking a look at whether what you are doing is successful or not. This takes work, effort, and the ability to be vulnerable. 

The insecurities within a covert narcissistic person causes their defenses to be incredibly strong. Putting these defenses down would bring a vulnerability that they simply cannot handle. Without the ability to be vulnerable, one cannot be open and honest with themselves. Thus they cannot self-reflect.

Children lack the ability to self-reflect because of their age and lack of life experiences. They do not yet have the time put in on life that will help them to develop emotional maturity. That is not their fault. They need time, experience and consistent love and support. When a full-grown adult lacks the ability to self-reflect, this is a totally different scenario. This lack of self-reflection will greatly hinder their ability to grow and mature.

So when you feel like you are dealing with a child, in some ways, you are. It is not your job to teach a full-grown adult how to play nicely with others. Not only is it not your job, it also isn’t possible. I mean think about it, your partner is an adult. Do you suppose by now in their life, there have been others who have tried to teach them to grow up? How many people do you suppose have tried to help them or express how their actions and words hurt? By the time they are an adult and even a parent of kids themselves, it is very clear that they don’t want to change. Why would they? Growing up is tough. Look at all the work and effort it is taking on your part. But it is SO worth it! You are stronger than you know and have so many wonderful days ahead of you! I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing.

REVIEW: “EMOTIONAL CHILDISHNESS AND COVERT NARCISSISM” BY RENEE SWANSON

Renee Swanson’s article, titled “Emotional Childishness and Covert Narcissism,” offers a clear and powerful example of how a child’s attachment experience influences their adult personality development.

Ms. Swanson illustrates how the behavior of adults diagnosed with covert narcissism, a subtype of narcissistic personality disorder, clearly show how their problematic and harmful tendencies in relationships can be directly linked to their childhood upbringing.

Typical behind-the-scenes symptoms of covert narcissism, such as impulsivity, attention-mongering, blaming, dishonesty, and others, can accurately be traced backward to coping strategies and defense mechanisms forged in a crucible of profound abuse, neglect, deprivation, and/or abandonment.

Thus, as highlighted by Ms. Swanson, in order to grasp the nature of a covert narcissist, it is helpful to conceptualize it as an interaction with a troubled child.

By gaining a deeper understanding of individuals like this, one can develop realistic expectations regarding the covert narcissist’s harmful behavior without inadvertently encouraging them to persist or intensify their mistreatment. A person intending to survive and escape the relationship forged with a covert narcissist will appreciate Ms. Swanson’s keen insights.

Ross Rosenberg, M. Ed., LCPC, CADC

Psychotherapist

Two Simple and Effective Tools for Healing the Pain of Narcissistic Abuse

Do you feel that narcissism is everywhere? The red flags of narcissistic abuse are all around us. Even the very word “narcissism” is plastered all over the internet. We are seeing the effects of the abuse in ourselves, our kids, other family members, our friends, and so on. Even our pets  feel the power of the negativity in the home.

Okay, so now we see the abuse. We feel the pain. Now what? I am often asked, “How do we heal?” If we cannot heal, there is a strong chance that we will walk right back into another abusive relationship. The cycle is incredibly powerful and has so very many people trapped. I hear so many victims say, “How could I have let it happen to me again?!?”

The key is in our healing. Without healing, we remain victims, and victims continue to get caught and trapped.

In my own personal healing process, I have found two very effective tools for processing the deep emotions and generating the power of healing. I call the two tools Emotional Burn and Imagination Burst. They go hand-in-hand and work extremely well with each other.

Emotional Burn

It is very important that you do this step in a safe and peaceful environment. I do this in my own bedroom. I turn on some calm and quiet music. I turn on my salt lamp and essential oils diffuser. Lavender oil is amazing for a peaceful environment. I sit with my favorite meditation pillow. I create a safe space, a sanctuary.

If you prefer to use an outdoor safe space, that works great as well. I like to sit amongst our magnolia trees in our backyard, listening to the cardinals sing, and feeling the warmth of the sunshine. Do not underestimate the power of your surroundings. Use them to help soothe your emotions.

Once you have created a safe environment for yourself, take a specific memory that is weighing heavy on your heart. One that still causes your stomach to drop. One that causes all of your insides to scream. I found it helpful to have previously created a list of these suffocating memories. Allow yourself to feel the intense and horrible feelings that go with that memory. Give yourself permission to feel the pain, the anger, the hurt, the anxiety, the despair. These are NORMAL reactions to what you have experienced, to the way you were treated. Tell yourself that it is okay that you felt, and perhaps still feel, this way. Allow those feelings to burn.

Picture a candle. Some candles are bigger than others. But no matter how big the candle is, someday it will run out of wick and no longer have the ability to burn. Your pain from these stubborn memories is the same way. Some have longer wicks than others. But over time, they all will burn out. If you never light a candle though, it will not burn out. If you don’t light your own internal candle, these feelings will never burn away. They will remain locked inside you, and I promise they will affect you and your future relationships. You have to allow them to burn in order for them to fade away.

I want to re-emphasize that you should do this exercise in a safe environment where you have the space needed to let the feelings out. It is best for me to do this alone in my own home, where I can feel safe with intense emotions. If embracing those memories alone is too overwhelming for you, that’s okay. Do this exercise with a trusted loved one or a therapist. Even a loving pet can be the therapeutic support you need. Over time, you will get emotionally stronger.

Knowing the Purpose of the Pain

When we place our hand on a hot burner, a seething pain shoots through our body. That pain serves a very important purpose. If we ignore it, we will be badly injured. Pain protects us and keeps us safe. It is not a bad thing, but is rather extremely useful to us. It causes us to quickly remove our hand, before thought even happens. Without that pain, we would leave our hand there not realizing that it was burning.

The same is true with emotional pain. It is not a bad thing. Without it, we lose ourselves, our soul, our identity, our genuineness. The pain is what tells us that something is truly wrong. It tells us that we need to pay attention and remove ourselves from the situation. Embrace that pain and allow it to communicate with you. It is in that pain that you will find yourself again.

Imagination Burst

The other extremely useful tool is Imagination Burst. Your own imagination is very effective in dealing with all the pain. The approach of this tool may seem contradictory to the Emotional Burn. It definitely is not though! You see, if you stay with those intense emotions burning all the time, you will exhaust yourself and go crazy. You simply cannot maintain that emotional burn for long-term. You need to purposefully take a break from it. This is that break!

I want you to use your imagination and imagine what it would be like if none of that abuse actually happened to you. Imagine who you would be right now if you had not gone through all of this. What would you be doing? What would you be thinking? Who would you be? How would you be spending your time and energy?

Do not confuse this with trying to live in denial. You are not trying to convince yourself that none of the abuse happened. You know without a doubt all the abuse that you have suffered. This is using your imagination to your advantage, to push you to better places. It is consciously taking a break from all the hard work of processing the emotions and looking at your life outside of them. Yes do the work, but you must allow your heart and mind to rest and enjoy who you are.

Create a Cycle

Both the Emotional Burn and the Imagination Burst are needed in the healing process. Get into a cycle of using both tools. There is no one right way to use these. So experiment with them. I will share my favorite way to use them.

The two tools complement each other extremely well. As you do the work of the Emotional Burn, the Imagination Burst will give you more of a picture of who you want to be as the hard work pays off. Rather than doing the Emotional Burn with no direction, this gives you a target, a goal, inspiration, and hope. It helps you to see that you will make it through this, and there is life and happiness after emotional abuse!

A Night-time Routine

Every night before I go to bed, I use both of these tools. I create the environment I mentioned earlier with peaceful music, a salt lamp, essential oils and a meditation pillow. Sometimes I even light a candle. Get creative with your environment and find what works for you.

After creating your safe space, start with the Emotional Burn. Take one of the memories that weighs heavy on your heart. Bring it fully to mind, remembering what happened, what was said, what you thought, and how you felt. As you stay with this memory, notice how you feel. Some of these feelings are crazy powerful and overwhelming. That’s okay. Remind yourself that you are in this safe environment. When you feel overwhelmed, take a moment and notice what you hear, see and smell. Listen to the music or the birds, see the peaceful salt lamp or the warm sunshine, smell the essential oils or fresh air. Remember you are safe.

Continue with the Emotional Burn. Remind yourself often that these are normal emotional reactions to a horrible situation. Give yourself permission to feel this way. If you need to cry, then cry. If you need to scream, then scream. If you need to just sit and shake, then sit and shake. Remember that it is okay and that you are safe. Allow this process to continue until you feel some of the power of those emotions die away. Watch them go up in smoke and simply let them go.

When you feel it is time, shift to Imagination Burst. Imagine what life would be like if this particular event had not happened. Remember you are not trying to convince yourself that it did not happen. You are just imagining the what-if. Embrace the feelings that come from the relief. Give yourself permission to enjoy these feelings. Allow these feelings to replace the painful feelings that just went up in smoke. The peacefulness is very welcome and appreciated. Think of it as a reward for the hard work of the Emotional Burn. Enjoy the reward!

Experiment with these two tools and find some ways to make them work for you. The Emotional Burn can be quite intense, so I think it is best to follow it with an activity that brings you back to a happier place. This is why I found it useful to go straight into Imagination Burst, but you can space them out more if you want.

Other things you could use to follow the Emotional Burn are cuddling with a pet, going for a walk, spending time with a good friend, reading a good book, gardening, a bubble bath, other forms of meditation. Purposefully plan to follow it up with something that is healing to your soul.

The Imagination Burst can be used anytime and does not need to be only in a safe environment. I have found it to be very effective when I also use it for a few minutes in the morning. It is an extremely inspiring way to start the day!

This is Your Healing

True healing can only come from within you. NO ONE can do it for you. Those close to you can love you and support you, but they cannot do any of this for you. This is your journey! Embrace it. Allow it to make you stronger, freer, and happier. Remember, you are stronger than you think you are!

Know that you are not alone. Thousands and more are making this same journey with you. Too many endure the pain alone. They hide in fear. Slowly our world is becoming a safer place for our voices to be heard. Our world is waking up to the suffering we have endured. Yes you have to do the work for yourself, but you no longer have to suffer alone!

Emotional Safety is Crucial for Us and for Our Kids

Damaging Our Kids

How much damage are we doing to our own kids? You may think that it is only your toxic partner that is hurting them, but you will be surprised to find that you are perhaps adding to that damage too.

“I was SO wrapped up in trying to keep peace that I pushed my own kids’ feelings under the rug right along with everything else.”

I used to say to myself, “Why can’t my boys just do what is necessary to keep their dad happy?” Because they were kids!

I used to wonder, “Why don’t the boys get it? Can’t they just do what he says? It would be so much more peaceful.” Because that is not their role in life. They are allowed to be kids, and they are allowed to express themselves. They are people too!

They were good boys just being kids, and I was asking the wrong questions. Instead of asking why the boys didn’t get it, I should have been asking why doesn’t my husband get it? Why can’t he let them be kids? Why doesn’t he accept them as they are?

My focus was all wrong. I was trying to keep peace with the elephant in the room. I made my priority to keep my husband happy because he was the meanest to everyone when he was unhappy. We paid a high price when he was upset.

In trying to keep peace, I pushed everything under the rug as fast as I could. I quieted and corrected the boys, even when they were doing no wrong. I jumped on them quickly simply to beat their dad to it, knowing that he would be unreasonable. All because I wanted to keep peace with their dad.

I paid a high price for this mistake. My boys learned that their feelings didn’t matter. They couldn’t be angry. They couldn’t be happy. Any and all of their feelings were pushed down due to emotional fear.

Feelings Matter

One thing I learned in all of this is that feelings matter! Emotional safety is hugely important! Without it, we will simply go crazy. If our pushed down anger doesn’t kill us, then our own stress level will. .

Emotional safety is crucial! What is emotional safety?

-Feeling free to express yourself, free from judgment and criticism

-Being free to feel your own feelings

-Having the freedom to get mad and work through it on your own

-Having the freedom to be happy and silly

-Being internally relaxed

-Feeling safe to let your guard down

-Openly free to share our hurts, fears, dreams, tender feelings

-Free to be vulnerable and non-defensive

-Knowing that you are not responsible for the other person’s feelings

Without this emotional safety, we build defenses. We defend ourselves against potential criticism, blame, shame and rejection. We defend ourselves by being critical of others and minimizing their needs and feelings.

How do you give them emotional safety?

The absolutely best first step is to work on emotional safety yourself. Are you emotionally safe? Do everything you can to put yourself in this safety first. As you do, your own defenses will come down. Work on being internally relaxed, both mentally and emotionally. This is the single best thing you can do for your own kids’ emotional growth.

Let your kids express anger. Don’t be afraid of it or quit to shut it down. If they are expressing it, then they are not bottling it up inside them. This is a good thing! They need to learn that there are boundaries for expressing anger. Throwing things or hitting people should not be acceptable. Give them safe ways to release that anger. Hitting a workout bag or pillow, throwing a tennis ball forcefully at a safe wall, and kicking a beach ball are some great examples.

Don’t judge and criticize them when they express their dreams. Don’t superficially praise them either. Be open to their ideas, and at the same time be honest with your own opinions.

Remember that your kid is a fellow human being. Yes you brought him/her into this world. But they are still a separate human being, with their own ideas, thoughts, dreams, fears, feelings, and life. Look at them as such. See them for who they really are.

Explore this emotional safety further. Help your kids to develop emotional skills and emotional health. For more information on helping your kids’ emotional development, check out my ebook devoted just to this.