Why I Chose to Stay: Navigating a Relationship with a Covert Narcissist

A Marriage in Conflict

I was 15 years into my marriage. Our kids were 13 and 11. The environment in our home was unpredictable, swinging between hot and cold.

Good Times

- When he was at work or traveling.

- When he was gaming upstairs or asleep.

Bad Times

- When he was around.

- When he tried to participate in family activities.

- When things didn’t go as he expected—a random, exhausting guessing game of his desires.

Sprinkled in were occasional good times with him—an evening that stayed positive or an activity that actually went well. But mostly, our days existed in this strange, "okay" place. It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t fulfilling.

In this "okay" place, you don’t feel connected, valued, or cared for. You simply co-exist until things spiral into chaos. Even during the calm moments, hypervigilance takes over. You’re constantly anticipating conflict, working around them, and avoiding potential triggers. I talked about this recently in my episode, *Emotional Abuse Consumption – The 100% Impact of 10% Abuse.*

Why Didn’t I Just Leave?

I shared my struggles with a friend. Her response was, “Why don’t you just leave?” It was a well-meaning question, but it wasn’t what I needed. I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to understand, fix, and make things better.

I cringe every time someone asks a victim of covert narcissism, “Why are you still there?” or “Why haven’t you left?” While this question may fit in certain conversations, it can also come across as judgmental and dismissive, leaving the victim feeling worse.

Harmful Messages Behind “Why Don’t You Leave?”

• You’re not strong enough to stand up for yourself.

• You don’t love yourself enough.

• You chose this, so it’s on you.

• If you’re staying, I can’t help you.

These attitudes hurt someone already living in a painful situation. Making them feel worse isn’t the answer.

Reasons Why People Stay

If you’re choosing to stay, you’re not alone. Everyone’s journey is unique, and there are many valid reasons for staying. Let’s explore some of them:

Investment

You’ve built a life together, committing emotionally, mentally, and physically. Walking away from everything you’ve invested in feels overwhelming.

Family Stability

Keeping the family unit intact, especially for the kids, might feel like the better option. You value the ripple effects your decisions have on parents, grandparents, and extended family.

Commitment to Personal Values

You’re committed to understanding, forgiving, and trying to make things work. You value loyalty and don’t want to give up easily.

Financial Concerns

Separating can bring financial strain, and the thought of taking on those challenges alone may feel impossible.

Hope for Change

You hold onto glimpses of improvement, believing that things could get better.

Cultural or Religious Beliefs

Personal values, religious teachings, or cultural expectations may encourage staying.

Fear of the Unknown

Staying can feel safer than stepping into the unknown, especially if you’re unsure what life apart might look like.

Whatever your reasons, they’re valid. No one else can make this decision for you.

Living with a Covert Narcissist

For those who stay, navigating a relationship with a covert narcissist requires tools and strategies to protect your mental and emotional health. While you can’t change their behavior, you can take steps to safeguard your peace.

Tools to Navigate the Relationship

Don’t Try to Change Them

Their behavior is their choice, not yours. Redirect your energy toward yourself rather than trying to manage or fix them.

Set Clear Boundaries

Define what you will and won’t tolerate. For example, "I will not engage in conversations when my fight/flight response is triggered." Boundaries won’t change them but will protect you.

Practice Emotional Detachment

Covert narcissists thrive on emotional reactions. Detaching doesn’t mean ignoring your feelings; it means not letting them control your emotions.

Choose Your Battles

Not every disagreement needs to be addressed. Pick battles carefully to preserve your energy and sanity.

Find Support

Seek out trusted friends, family, therapists, or support groups. Choose people who respect your decision to stay and offer nonjudgmental support.

Focus on Self-Care

Prioritize your well-being by carving out personal time, nurturing your mental health, staying physically active, and practicing mindfulness. Journaling, walking, or even punching a workout bag can help release overwhelming emotions.

Reframing Your Choice

Choosing to stay doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re navigating life in a way that feels right for you at this moment. This choice isn’t set in stone; you can revisit it as your circumstances evolve.

Instead of focusing on others’ judgments, ask yourself, *What do I need to feel stable and grounded right now?* If staying provides that stability, honor your decision. You are the expert of your life, and your reasons are valid.

Closing Thoughts

To everyone choosing to stay in a relationship with a covert narcissist, know this: you are not alone. Your choice does not define your worth or strength. Life is a journey, and you’re navigating it with courage every day.

Take care of yourself, protect your peace, and remember that you have the power to revisit this decision when you’re ready. If this message resonates with you, share it with someone who might need it. For tools, resources, or support, visit www.covertnarcissism.com.

I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing.

Setting Boundaries in Toxic Relationships

Setting boundaries is a skill that you must develop when dealing with a narcissist! It is a skill you need to have anyways, but the need for it is more prominent in toxic relationships.

Narcissists and other toxic personalities will take extreme advantage of anyone who shows the smallest sign of weakness in their boundaries.

What type of boundaries am I talking about?

• Having space to safely express your own thoughts and feelings

• Being able to disagree without major issues

• Being free to go visit with a friend or family if you want

• Not feeling obligated to explain yourself or defend yourself on everything

• Feeling comfortable expressing your own likes and dislikes, and pursuing them

To build the skills of boundary setting, don't start with the hardest person you have in your life. Do not start by trying to set boundaries with your toxic partner or toxic parent. Because our boundaries are being obliterated by that toxic person, this person is our focus. We begin our journey by trying to establish boundaries with him/her. This is the same as a brand new driver choosing to start learning by jumping on a high-speed interstate at night in the rain. The safer approach is to learn to drive on lower speed roads in daylight and good weather.

So start building your boundary skills in easier scenarios and more cooperative relationships first. Express your thoughts and feelings with your friends, family and co-workers, even if you believe they will disagree. It is okay to disagree and still be good. Give voice to your own likes and dislikes whether others agree or not. Let go of that feeling that you have to explain yourself or defend yourself. You do not! You are simply allowed to have opinions and preferences.

As you become more skilled in boundary setting and self-expressing, you will feel more confident in doing this with the narcissists in your life! Be patient with yourself as you go. Learning new skills takes time and effort.

To learn more about how to help your kids set boundaries, watch the Q&A video with Renee Swanson here.

Check out her book Parenting with a Toxic Partner here. Get 3 free bonuses when you purchase the ebook. If you buy the paperback on Amazon, let her know at renee@covertnarcissism.com. She will send you the free bonuses if you submit a screenshot of your receipt.