How the Covert Narcissist Plays Rejection, Abandonment, and Abuse

My marriage lasted almost 21 years. For most of these years, I convinced myself and the world that I had the perfect marriage. We were simply great together. There was no other option available. The mind is powerful and can do amazing things. I truly believed that it was a match made in heaven and that he was perfect for me.

Sure he spoke harsh from time to time, but everyone is allowed a bad day here and there. He treated others with coldness and meanness, but not me. He was distant from others, but not from me. There always seemed to be a reason for his sharpness, so it was okay. Besides we had some really good days in between these outbursts. So I swept it under the rug every time and continued to believe that our marriage was great and wonderful.

Ever so slowly, my eyes started opening. The pressure deep in my own heart started pushing through into my awareness. Tiny cracks in my thinking allowed for tiny glimpses of truth to seep in. Questions started to form in my mind. Why is he talking to me this way? Why do I feel so beaten down and anxious? Why are our boys afraid of talking to him? Is all this normal? Is this my imagination? Thus started an unbelievable journey of discovery.

I still remember so well the first day I heard the word narcissism. I was in complete disagreement, disbelief, and denial. I still believed that I could fix all this and that much of it was my fault anyways. Now, years later, I have a much greater understanding. There is so much I didn’t see and didn’t understand at the time. Even now, layers of it are still becoming more clear.

Though I didn’t know it, I was trapped in a situation of rejection, abandonment and abuse. I didn’t see it because it wasn’t the standard scenarios that often go with these words. With covert narcissists, the mistreatment and abuse are so masterfully hidden that it takes years to see, if one sees it at all. This isn’t the aggressive rejection of yelling “I hate you” or kicking you out of the house. This isn’t the obvious abandonment of running off with another woman or disappearing for days and weeks. This isn’t the apparent abuse of physical beatings and rages full of swear words and threats.

This type of rejection, abandonment, and abuse is completely hidden. My situation was so expertly covered, and I fell for it completely! Let me paint the picture for you.

Rejection

He told me all the time that I was too good for him. He told me that he loved me so much and that he wanted me to be happy. And yet he often spoke so sharply and harshly in day-to-day living! He shut down conversations with aggressive abruptness. He gave such short and sharp answers that conversation was often completely impossible. For years, I never felt safe in normal conversations with him. I felt guarded and on high alert. He continuously created an environment that was emotionally unsafe.

I remember one summer day that I was out all day with our boys while he was at work. We returned home before him. When he came home from work, I was happy to tell him how our day had been. After all, he had been complaining lately that I don’t talk with him enough and make him feel like part of the family. So when he sat down on the couch, I sat with him and began telling him about our day. He pulled out his phone and started playing a game. I was beginning to tell him a funny story about something his oldest son had done that day. I was only a couple of sentences into the story. While I was in mid-sentence, he sharply yelled, “OKAY!” at me. So I stopped and walked away, feeling completely rejected. I did not say another word about our day, and he never said a word about that interaction.

I left many of our conversations feeling extremely rejected. He would often cut me off, clearly not wanting to hear what I was saying. Other times, he would nod emphatically, with this air about him that says, “I already know this, so why are you wasting my time?” He would even interrupt me to strongly say, “I know,” or “I get it.” It always felt like a crime to talk with him about something he already knew. And since he always came across as already knowing everything, he never made me feel welcome talking to him. This was happening on a daily basis. When you are rejected in this way so regularly, you feel completely rejected in the relationship. This is not how you build a healthy marriage.

Abandonment

I would never have said that abandonment was a concern for me. I never felt like he was going to run away with another woman. I knew that he would always be home in the evenings and on the weekends. But then I realized that there was a different type of abandonment going on.

In my marriage, abandonment came within the home itself. He completely isolated himself constantly. He lost himself in video games and movies for hours on end. This was every evening after work, every weekend, every holiday, every vacation, no matter where we were or who we were with. This happened whether we were alone just the two of us or at social events with our friends and family. It didn’t matter whether we were on the Oregon Coast visiting his own mother, having Christmas activities with my family, or in Paris on a family vacation. This was on the beach, in the hotel rooms, in the restaurants, and even on a beautiful dinner cruise in downtown Paris on the Seine River. He disengaged from our lives. He checked out completely again and again and again!

At the age of 15, our oldest son spent three weeks in France. When we picked him up at the airport, we learned that his luggage missed the flight. We had to wait one hour for it to arrive. So we found a quiet corner where we could sit and chat. I was so eager to hear all about his trip, and he was eager to tell us. Within the first five minutes of our son telling us about his excursions, my husband got up, pulled out his phone, and walked away. We didn’t see him for the next 45 minutes. No explanation, no interaction, just abandonment. To this day, he has still never heard about all the exciting things our son did on that trip. This is rejection and abandonment and happened so many times throughout the years.

Abuse

Now, I have painted a brief picture of what our marriage was like. I could give you so many examples of the rejection and abandonment that my boys and I experienced. Early in our marriage, it only happened occasionally. As the years went by though, it became a daily part of our lives.

Now add on top of this one huge element! He repeatedly told me that EVERYTHING was always my fault!! It was my fault that we didn’t communicate well. It was my fault that we were distant and struggling. It was my fault that I was anxious and upset. It was my fault that he didn’t have a relationship with me. It was my fault that he didn’t have a relationship with our boys. It was my fault that he went into hiding and checked out. It was my fault that he was unable to communicate well. It was my fault that he didn’t feel respected or loved. It was ALL my fault, and ALL my job to fix.

He continuously made me feel guilty and responsible. For many years, I fell for this. I thought it was all my fault. I remember one day when I was eating lunch with a friend. I opened up to her about how I was feeling in the marriage. I told her about the excessive gaming that my husband was doing and how frustrated I was about it. I remember saying to her, “Now, I know that it is my fault that he games so much….” She immediately interrupted me, “Wait a minute! How in the world is this your fault?” She was genuinely shocked at my statement. I responded, “Well, I don’t know. I must not have fussed at him hard enough. I should have pitched a bigger fit about it.” She laughed in disbelief, “Do you hear what you are saying? He’s a grown man. His choices are not your fault!”

At the time, I certainly did not realize the absurdity here. I did not see how messed up my own thinking had become. I actually did think that his addiction to gaming was my fault and that I should have been able to stop it. I believed this even though I had tried for years to get him off his games. He completely shut me down every time. Yet somehow, I still managed to believe that it was my fault.

Another example is that I thought for years that it was my job to make sure he had a good relationship with his boys. I used to wear my brain out trying to come up with things he could do with them. Then when I did come up with ideas, he brought so much negativity into the activity that it was a disaster. So now I also had to figure out how to keep him from being so negative while he was with them. I had become convinced that this was my duty and responsibility. But it was impossible! So as his relationship with our boys deteriorated, I felt more and more like a failure.

Refuse the Craziness!

He made everything impossible, and yet expected me to fix it all. Then when I couldn’t do it, he blamed me for everything! This is absolutely psychological abuse and will drive you to insanity!

• HE made conversations so incredibly difficult and told me it was all my fault that we didn’t talk.

• HE created fear in everyone and blamed me that he couldn’t communicate with anyone.

• HE checked out of the lives of his boys and told me that I destroyed his relationship with them.

• HE did not engage in our world and blamed me for the distance.

• HE isolated himself and blamed me that he had no friends.

• HE chose his own actions and yet made me feel guilty for them.

Now that I see it with open eyes, I can finally let go of all the guilt and blame. It was NOT my fault! I did not choose for him to be sharp and cold. I did not choose for him to shut down conversations. I did not choose for him to create environments where no one felt emotionally safe. I did not choose for him to check out and hide in his games and movies. I did not choose for him to abandon his family. These were his choices!!

But now, I did choose to walk away! I will not accept the blame anymore for an environment that he creates. I choose to treat people with love and compassion. I choose to create an atmosphere of openness and freedom. I choose to welcome others into my life with open arms. I choose to establish an environment of peace!

The Distorted View of an Abuse Victim

A Distorted View of Reality

When my son was around 9 years old, he apparently needed glasses. We did not know that he needed glasses. He was not aware that things were blurry to him. He thought that what he saw was reality. For example when he looked at trees he saw a green blurry mess. For him this is what trees looked like. He did not know any differently. This was a distorted view of reality, but it was all he knew. He had no way of knowing that what he saw was not reality. So to him it was reality!

When we discovered this, of course we took him to the eye doctor to have his eyes checked. The doctor confirmed that he needed glasses. He put on his new glasses, and we walked outside. He immediately exclaimed, “Wow! The trees have leaves!” For the first time, he could see clearly the individual leaves of the tree. He was so surprised at this and found it to be very enjoyable. Now he was seeing a clear picture of reality.

Check Your Symptoms

Before getting glasses, you might experience bad headaches and not know why. These headaches can cause you to be frustrated and tired. Yet you still do not know where this is all coming from. Kids can even start having bad grades as a result of vision issues. If these things are going on with your child, you start trying to figure out why rather than fuss at them for not being good enough, right?

So take a look at yourself. These are some of the symptoms you need to be checking.

• Do you feel like everything is your fault?

• Do you feel that you are never good enough?

• Do you doubt everything you do, say, or think?

• Do you see yourself as worthless and hopeless?

• Are you losing motivation in life?

• Do you struggle to get out of bed?

• Do you feel you have no purpose in life?

If you are experiencing these symptoms, then you need to start exploring. It may not be from abuse, just like your child might not need glasses. There can be other reasons for headaches and bad grades. And there can be other reasons for your symptoms. One big thing to ask yourself is - Are you especially experiencing these symptoms around one particular person in your life and noAbust around others?

The Distorted View of Abuse Victims

Victims of abuse definitely experience a distorted view of reality. Not physically, like my son’s eyes. Rather, your distorted vision is turned inward. You do feel like everything is your fault and everything is your job to fix. You feel that no matter what you do you are not good enough and never will be. You doubt everything you do, say or think. You see yourself as worthless and  your situation as hopeless. You have an extremely tough time seeing a clear view of reality, and you might not even be aware of it. Your vision is extremely distorted.

A distorted view of reality absolutely affects you physically, mentally, and emotionally. You find yourself with no energy, tired all the time, not feeling well, and all sorts of physical ailments.Yet you do not know why. Your mind goes into hyper-drive until it reaches a point of total exhaustion and shuts down completely. Emotions become too painful to feel anymore. Your relationships suffer. Consequently, you lose all motivation to even function. There seems to be no purpose in life anymore. Building the strength to even get out of bed can prove quite challenging. You easily become more and more isolated from the world, and even from those you love, and yet you continue to blame yourself for all of this. This has a disastrous effect on your life.

Gaining Perspective

You are just like my son, trying to decide if what you are seeing is real or not. Are the trees really a blurry green mess or do they have individual leaves? Are the words on the board at school written with a blurry marker or are they clear? Is all this your fault or have you been manipulated to believe this? Are you completely worthless or is there great value in you?

Our son would never have known he needed glasses if he had not spoken up to someone, anyone. He asked me if I could read the words on the movie screen. “Yes, of course,” I replied. “What does it say?” he asked. I was surprised. “You read it,” I said. He responded, “I can’t. I can’t see the letters.” So the process that lead to contact lenses began.

You also need an outside perspective. You need to open up about what you are going through. Start talking about it. Start asking questions. Don’t keep it inside any longer. Even if your friend or family member doesn’t understand, that’s okay. The more you can talk about your feelings, the sooner you can start getting some clarity on them. Quit assuming that you know all the answers already. Let go of the belief that you can tough your way through this.

You must admit that you need help. There is absolutely no shame in that! Join support groups. Read books on healing from abuse and on mindfulness. You need tools that can help you get a better perspective of what reality is. You have to be able to get out of your own mind and see life from a healthier perspective. Just like you would go to the eye doctor to check your view of reality, don't hesitate to go to a counselor, therapist, psychologist, or any other form of help to check your view of reality.

Keep picturing those blurry green blobs that my son saw as trees. Accept that your own perspective may be every bit as blurry. There is a reason you are here looking for answers. You are not alone on this path! I wish you much peace on your journey of healing!

How did I know it was time to file for divorce?

I am in a 20 year marriage, and divorce has been coming for a long time. For a few years now, my friends and family have been asking me when I am actually going to file. My answer has always been, “I don’t know, but I am confident that I will know when it is time.” Every day it just didn’t feel right yet. That was okay, because every day I did the next right thing to get me closer to ready. These steps ranged from packing up some sentimental family items that I didn’t want to fight over to taking one of the boys to our trusted and amazing counselor. It included documenting things that had happened that week and even talking with his mom about what was going on. One step at a time, I put things in place, not only for the impending divorce but also for the necessary healing for me and our boys.

My Heart Knew

About 3 weeks ago, the emotional tension in our house hit an all time high. As most of my readers know, we have 2 boys together in this marriage. In August this year, our oldest son went off to college. I was concerned about this change in our household dynamics. As I feared, our youngest son became the new target for my husband. For whatever reason, my husband decided that he now needed to “fix” his relationship with our youngest son. What this means in reality is that our youngest son needs to put more effort into the relationship and make his dad feel better about himself. The conversations that this brings are extremely painful to the victim. You get told that you are to blame for everything and that all the things you have ever done are wrong. Everything you say gets turned around and used against you. You feel absolutely not good enough, completely empty, and painfully worthless.

These conversations were starting to happen on a daily basis. I watched our youngest son as he more and more distanced himself from the world. A wall was going up around his heart and anger was winning. Absolutely not!! Not to my son! Maybe it was time??

I have known for several years that divorce was coming. I have poured EVERY ounce of energy I had into helping this marriage, into trying to connect with my husband on a deeper emotional level in hopes that we could draw closer. I have exhausted every resource I had, plus created some of my own. I reached out to everyone that I thought could help him and us. Nothing ever changed! My hopes have been crushed so many times that I feel like roadkill on the side of the highway. My fuel tank is completely dry.

Then that day came. The first day ever that I felt like the next step was actually to file for divorce. I couldn’t believe it. I always had said that I would know, and somehow now I knew. This was a day that I had been waiting for for years. How did I know? I just knew.

My Body Knew

As this realization came to me, I became aware that even my body had known. You see, about a month earlier, I ran a fever for almost a week. There was no apparent reason. I wasn’t actually sick. I didn’t have a cold or a bug. Each day, I woke up feeling okay, but by the afternoon I had a fever of 102. I drank a ton, took my vitamins and essential oils, slept extra, even took a couple days off work. But nothing was helping. Realizing that I wasn’t going to beat this, I finally went to the doctor. After checking me over, she said, “I’m not sure what this is, but I think you have some type of infection.” She could not figure out why I was running the fever but wanted to put me on antibiotics. The antibiotics immediately took care of it. I finished them out and didn’t think anymore of it.

However over the next few weeks, there were many times that I felt that fever was coming back. The back of my neck and inside of my head felt incredibly hot. I wondered if it was hot flashes. I am approaching that age and have never had those yet. But this feeling of a fever lasted for half a day. I checked my temp often, but it came back normal every time. On the inside, I felt like my blood was boiling. I could feel that fever burning hot. I asked one of my friends multiple times if I felt hot to her. Each time she said no. When I had asked her on repeated days, she finally asked me what was going on. I told her that the fever was back but only on the inside. I really felt like something was starting to be very wrong with my body.

I think I had finally reached a point that my body could not take the stress level anymore. It was reacting and trying to get my attention. If this continued, I believe I really would have paid a high price.

I Listened

So how did I know it was time? I listened to my heart, and I listened to my body. When I went to actually sign the divorce papers, I thought that I might be rather emotional. I really wasn't sure how I would react in that moment. As it turns out, I was not emotional at all. When the time came to sign, my hands were shaky, and my heart was pounding. But I was overwhelmed with a feeling of peace and a sense of relief. I knew it was time!

So where are you on this journey? Are you still fighting for your marriage? For your life? For your kids? I get it. I fought long and hard. Are you counting your days until you can get out? Is divorce hanging over your head?

No matter where you are on that journey, you are not alone! I am so sorry for where you find yourself. It is not a path that you planned or ever imagined would come your way. This is not what you signed up for. It isn’t what you wanted for yourself or your kids. Please continue to reach out for help. Find your support group. There are many out there who have traveled this road ahead of you. There is life after narcissism! Take it one step at a time. Brighter days are ahead for you!

Coming soon is my next post which is how he reacted to my filing for divorce. We are in the whole process now. I have lots to learn, but am still taking it one single step at a time.

Learning Life Lessons as a Mother

Nothing in life has taught me more about myself than being a mom. It is the most challenging thing I have ever done. I have loved it and hated it, and both often at the same time. I used to say, “Moms get the worst fussing, but we get the best loving too.” And this was before I knew the word narcissism. I realized quickly that parenting was going to be difficult. I had no idea what was in store for me. Parenting with a covert narcissist is absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done!

Our precious little ones can become monsters around us, pushing all the wrong buttons at all the wrong times. But they can also brighten the darkest day with a snuggle and a smile at just the right moment. The little stinkers! They are impossible to figure out.

I recently came across a beautiful website about motherhood. It is www.thinkbaby.org. The founders and authors are Zoe Withers, Josephine Peterson, and Angela Jansen. This website is loaded with awesome information for mothers. While it may seem far removed from the narcissistic world I write about, one of Zoe’s articles really hit home with me. I want to share some of that insight here.

Zoe wrote an article called Important Lessons I’ve Learned as a Mother. Parenting can absolutely change your life, if you let it. What an amazing opportunity for personal growth in so many ways. Zoe mentioned three lessons she has learned as a mother. I want to take those three and apply them to myself as a mother parenting with a covert narcissist. Thank you Zoe for providing the inspiration for this article. I highly recommend you check out her blog for more great articles by her and her co-authors.

Patience, everything happens with time

Parenting does not happen overnight. Nor does becoming a good parent. Most people will agree that parenting requires patience. But they are usually referring to the patience needed to deal with the antics of a child. Patience when they dump their cereal all over the floor, for the 100th time. Patience when they wet their pants in the middle of a crowded grocery store. However patience with your child’s behaviors is not the only patience necessary.

Parenting also requires patience with yourself. Just because you became a parent does not mean for a moment that you know what you are doing. Even though your child may think you have all the answers, you don’t. They may look up to you like you are an absolute hero, but only you know how much you are blundering as you go.

Be patient with yourself. You will do plenty of things wrong. You will do plenty of things that you could have done better. You will say things that you wish you could take back. So be it! No one said you had to be perfect. In fact, setting yourself up as being perfect in your child’s eyes is quite damaging. It simply causes them to try to live up to an unreachable goal, potentially making them feel like a disappointment and failure to you. Let them know that you aren’t perfect. Apologize when you need to, to them and to yourself.

You will grow right along with them, if you let yourself. That growth is amazing. Be patient, and it will happen with time.

It’s More than Ok to Ask for Help

Parenting is hard, no shock there. Parenting with a narcissist is crazy impossible!! Drop the image that you’ve got all your stuff together. You don’t. Quit trying to play perfect to the world. Drop the image that you have it all under control. You aren’t fooling anyone, and that image is disastrous for you and especially for your kids.

In her fantastic book based on her own personal experience in life, author Alex Delon realized one day (in her words), “I’m holding myself together with barbed wire.” The picture it put in my mind and heart was so true to the life I was living. I was barely holding myself together, and the spikes of the barbed wire were digging deep. To find Alex’s book, Leaving You...for me, follow this link. I highly recommend the book.

If you are in a narcissistic marriage, then you know this painful place too. Your kids need you to be real. They desperately need a role model that shows that it is okay to be upset and frustrated AND that it is okay to ask for help. They need to know that you aren’t perfect. Reach out to a few friends for support. Tell them what is going on in your world. No, they can’t fix it, but they can be there for you to lean on. Trust me, that is extremely necessary!

Let your kids know that you have reached out for some allies. Tell them that you have told your friend or your family member. Let them know that they can talk with them too if they want. Encourage your kids to talk about their home environment with a few of their own friends. You might even talk with their best friend’s mother. Fill her in and let your child know that you did. Explain to your child that you all need allies who know what is going on and can help you if you need it.

When my boys told me that they had opened up to a few friends about what was going on in our home, I was thrilled. If they could talk with their closest friends about all this, that was a major accomplishment They were able to drop the image and to be vulnerable. If you really want to beat narcissism, this is a required step for everyone involved.

Strongly consider finding a therapist too. Find someone who is knowledgeable about narcissism. Straight up ask them what their experience is with it. It is best to find someone who has lived it firsthand. Any good therapist will allow you to ask some personal questions about their background. Don’t be afraid to ask.

Get your kids to visit that therapist too. My boys were hesitant to go at first. They thought I was telling them that they were crazy. So I disguised it a little. They both had already told me that they wanted me to divorce their dad. I told them that if I was going to do that, then I needed a counselor on my side. I needed that therapist to know what all was going on in our home. So I needed them to be completely honest with him. They both were, and they both greatly benefited. Of course, they later realized that the real reason for them to go was for them to work through their own anger. They caught me, but they were extremely grateful.

Savor every single moment, even the difficult ones

Life is made up of the moments. If you miss the single moments, then you miss life. There will be many incredibly difficult and painful moments. Your heart will viciously rip in half again and again. Let these painful times make you stronger. Feel the pain for what it is. It is not you being weak or overly emotional. It is not you just being dramatic or too sensitive, yet again. It is not something you should just get over. It is not a weakness.

These tough moments show a heart that cares, a heart that loves, a heart that beats. They reveal a soft and open heart wanting so desperately to take the pain away from the ones you love. This is you wanting to protect and to shield. It is you being real and genuine, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Don’t wait for some magical date in the future where you will finally be happy. Don’t wait for this or that to happen, such as when the kids are out of the house or when you finally file for divorce. I know you are in a tough spot. I get it. I have absolutely been there!

When my youngest boy was 14, we were in the thick of some very tough times in the home. Anger and negativity were running high. Yet I was talking to him, once again, about forgiveness and letting go of the anger. He assured me that he was working on it. I told him that I truly hoped so. He said, “Mom, I have to work on it now. If I say that I will wait til I move out of the house, then it will never actually happen. I have to learn to be happy now.”

He hit it on the head. If we tell ourselves that we will learn to be happy at some point in the future, then that point will never come. We will simply continue to put it off and push it away. The secret lies in finding peace now.

How do we do it? By living each single moment right now, both the good ones and the bad ones. Live each one, starting with the one that is right in front of you right now. Be as present as you can possibly be, every step of the way. Your kids need that, and so do you.

Parenting is quite a journey. It is extremely easy to get side-tracked and distracted from what is most important. You must remind yourself often to stay focused and on-task. The important things are the health of yourself and your kids. No matter how busy you get as a mom, and you will get crazy busy, have patience with faith, ask for help, and savor every single moment!

For more help with parenting under these adverse circumstances, I have written an ebook titled Parenting with a Covert Narcissist. This 26-page ebook contains crucial information for any parent who is struggling with the disastrous effects that covert narcissism is having on their own kids. It contains personal examples and suggestions for helping kids process their hurt and confused feelings. It will open  your heart to know that you are not alone and open your eyes to see ways to start recovering now. My boys and I are living proof that this horrible cycle can be stopped. If we can do it, so can you! Get the book here!