How do we rationalize that all this blame is ours?!?

I reached the point that everything he did wrong was my fault. Here are some examples, and the rationale that allowed me to accept the blame.
It was my fault he was addicted to gaming. I should have fussed at him more for being on the electronics.

It was my fault he got mad at the other driver. I should have warned him and calmed him before they cut him off. Or I should have been the one driving.
It was my fault he stormed out of the volleyball game. I should have called that shot, telling everyone whether it was in or out, playing the peacemaker that I am.
It was my fault he verbally abused our kids. I should have kept our children quieter around him, making sure they were only peaceful and happy in his presence.
It was my fault that he was being a jerk. I should have anticipated all these little offenses and stopped them before they reached him or before he started to react.

Taking this blame is what pushes a victim to overthink and overanalyze everything. You are constantly trying to stay three steps ahead of them. Trying to anticipate everything that could possibly go wrong so that they never get upset.

This way of living is simply not sustainable. It is exhausting and takes a horrible toll on your life, your energy, your health, your relationships, everything.

Make a list of the things you blame yourself for. Write them all down. Cross off the ones that are NOT your fault. Rewrite them!!

It was not my fault he was addicted to gaming. He chooses how he spends his time.
It was not my fault he got mad at the other driver. He chooses his own interactions with others.
It was not my fault he stormed out of the volleyball game. I’m not the referee.
It was not my fault he verbally abused our kids. He chooses how he parents.
It was not my fault he was being a jerk. He chooses his own behaviors.

At the end of your list, write “That’s on him!!” (Or her if the case may be)