So how many traits do they have to carry in order to be a covert narcissist? I get asked this by a lot of victims. My partner does this one and that one, but not these. I hear so many people say that covert narcissists do this, but mine doesn’t do that. Does this mean they aren’t a covert narcissist?

People are trying desperately to make sense of their situation. They want clear cut answers. They want to know so they can validate their decision to leave the relationship or not. Trouble is there are no clear cut answers with covert narcissism.

Yes, there are many similarities in all our stories. At times, we can all feel like we are talking about the same person. I have heard from so many people that I could be talking about their own life when I tell my story. It is like they all took the same course on how to be a nightmare.

Yet covert narcissism is not one size fits all. Differences still remain. Knowing the similarities definitely helps us to not feel crazy. Hearing others describe the same situations we have been living makes us no longer feel so alone and isolated.

It isn't a clear cut formula. There is no magical "number of traits." It just isn't that simple. And it doesn't entirely matter. Whether they are actually a narcissist or not is not what matters. What matters is how they are treating you!

Don’t get caught up in trying to determine if he/she truly is a covert narcissist or not. Don’t count the signs, comparing how many they have and how many they don’t. There is no one single formula for this! Even one abusive trait can be enough to chase you out of the relationship.

Look at how they treat you. Look at how you feel around them. Are you genuinely happy to see them? Or does your heart sink when they get home? Listen to your heart! It already knows how you feel! It is trying to tell you!