For those who were raised by a covert narcissistic parent, my heart goes out to you. The pain you have endured is unfathomable. You should be applauded for surviving such a nightmare. Not only that though, you should be hugged and supported, given the space to heal for a while.

Someone who has experienced covert narcissistic abuse is like a grenade inside a tank. 

On the inside, you are wound up incredibly tight, over-thinking everything, over-analyzing everything, always anticipating the next disaster. Your mind is going a million miles per hour. “Should I say it this way? Should I say it that way? What if I phrase it like this or that? Should I tell them this? Should I keep it to myself? Will they be mad about this? Will that set them off?” Tighter and tighter, your mind is winding you up in a knot, just waiting to explode. 

If you are googling words like narcissism, emotional abuse, silent treatment, gaslighting, and passive aggressiveness, then you are probably not in a healthy relationship. Are you listening to podcasts about narcissism? Those podcasts do not have an audience of people who are in healthy relationships.

Do you feel like you are doing everything you can to make this relationship better? Are you wearing your brain out trying to find that magical solution? Giving everything a shot, trying every potential answer?

You are allowed to walk this earth peacefully, just like everyone else. You really truly are. However, the covert narcissistic person in your life takes this away from you. They want to keep you subdued and smaller. They want you unnerved by chaos and frustration. This keeps them in charge.

Covert narcissists use hooks to take the heat off themselves and place the blame or responsibility back on you. Things that cause you once again to doubt yourself and your perspective.

One of these hooks is “I can’t change overnight! You’re going to have to be patient.”

Understanding the difference between compassion and empathy is important for anyone who is dealing with a non-empathetic person. Both are in response to the emotions and needs of another person. Both involve some level of awareness of the other person’s emotions and needs. 

Are they the same? What are their similarities and differences?

Give and take is a normal and healthy part of a relationship. Everyone needs it. It is validation that the other person matters, is heard and cared for. We all need confirmation that we are being heard. We need to know that they get what we are saying, and we need to know that we matter to them.

What is gaslighting? It is defined as making someone question their own reality. It is when a person effectively puts forth a false narrative that leads another person to doubt their own perceptions and become confused.

Are you doing all the work for fixing this relationship?

How much effort have you put into communicating with this covert narcissist in your life? How hard have you worked to learn their “language?” To find the “right” words?

Everyone has wounds from childhood. This is true. But the more educated we can become about the types of wounds and specific nature of the wounds, the better we are able to heal our own wounds and also the better we are able to help our children.

“If I could just find the right words, then they would stop treating me this way.”

“The right words will help them to understand why what they are doing is hurting me, and they will stop.” 

They have a total disregard for the possessions or rights of others. This applies to taking your things whenever they choose or touching you whenever they please. They use your stuff whenever they want, and yet have a fit if you use anything of theirs. There is no give and take in the relationship.

The fight or flight reaction is a normal trauma response to a perceived dangerous and threatening situation. It is absolutely life-saving in extreme situations, such as running from a bear, escaping an intruder, or fleeing from a fire. Your stress hormones kick in. You are full on in survival mode. You have super strength, heightened senses, incredible focus, and an over abundance of energy. In the history of mankind, this reaction has saved countless lives and serves a great purpose.

Covert narcissists carry a huge feeling of superiority. Their attitude is, “I’m special, no one understands me, I’m ahead of my time, others can’t keep up.” This includes you. They feel that they are your superior and that you have to be “helped” by them. They feel that they are light years ahead of everyone else and that no one else can possibly keep up.

The rules of life simply do not apply to a covert narcissist. They carry huge amounts of entitlement, superiority, and hypocrisy.

When you discover that your marriage is emotionally and psychologically abusive, it becomes consuming! You read like a madperson. Googling words like narcissism, emotional abuse, gaslighting, grey rock, projection, PTSD, and so on.

You are exhausted!! To the point of no longer being able to function. Even making small decisions such as what to fix for dinner is beyond your current capabilities.

I was in a 20 year marriage, and divorce had been coming for a long time. For a few years, my friends and family kept asking me when I was actually going to file. My answer was always, “I don’t know, yet but I am confident that I will know when it is time.” Every day it just didn’t feel right yet. That was okay, because every day I did the next right thing to get me closer to ready.