This very thought can keep you hooked in a bad relationship for years!

I used to think to myself, “It would not matter who I was with, there will always be problems, disagreements, issues. It could be far worse. I can stick this out.”

To a covert narcissist, conversations are transactions, and ALL transactions must end in their favor. In business transactions, the narcissist values winning far more than playing fairly. They must “win” at all costs. 

A covert narcissist must always be right about all things. They already know everything you are telling them before you even speak a word. They know what everyone is going to say, what everyone means behind their words, what everyone is going to do, and what should be done in every situation. Their great knowledge is clearly far superior to everyone else’s. They are right about it all.

With the spreading issues of narcissism and codependency, it has become common for marriage to mean enmeshment. The narcissist expects it with them being the dominant figure. The codependent expects it with them being the submissive figure.

Covert narcissists are emotionally unavailable, extremely locked up with a monstrous wall around their heart. They are not reachable behind this wall. You always feel like there is a giant abyss between you and them. Often, the only emotion that is able to break through that wall is their own anger. All the other emotions are bottled up inside them. They commonly learn to mimic emotions from others, but these remain shallow and manipulated.

“I get all my emotional validation from you.” 

These words were spoken by my covert narcissist husband. At the time, we had been married about 18 years. I had been holding him up emotionally for all of our marriage, catering to his feelings, tap dancing around his moods, and working hard to make him feel good about himself. 

Is emotional abuse really abuse? I mean, they don’t hit me. I don’t have bruises or broken bones. They just talk mean to me! Or they just invalidate me, over and over. Or they just ignore me and refuse to talk to me for days on end.

Covert narcissists are extremely emotionally challenged. They are simply not capable of building healthy, intimate relationships. Their own survival tactics get in the way again and again.

You get mad at him/her because you still expect them to behave like a reasonable person. They have shown over and over that they are not going to do this.

I get asked often, “How do I stop getting mad at them? How do I just ignore the bad behavior?

Stop expecting them to behave like a decent and reasonable person. 

Don’t let them be in control of what kind of person you are. No one should ever have that power in your life.

Who do you want to be? 

Narcissistic people do not go to therapists to get help for themselves. They don’t go to figure out if something is wrong with them. They might go to a therapist, yes. 

Will they be truthful with that therapist? No

Will they be truthful about what the therapist said to them? No

Will they twist everything to their advantage? Yes

Will they charm the therapist, putting their mask on securely? Yes

"One doesn't have to operate with great malice to do great harm. The absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient."  Charles M. Blow

Covert narcissistic abuse is a very unique type of abuse. Those who have never lived it cannot fully understand the complexities of this abuse. As a victim of it, I can certainly tell when I am talking to someone who has lived it too. They just get it!

Life with a covert narcissist is a mixed up life. You try to live in a way that shows love and care for the needs of others. But this gets used against you. You put the needs of others before your own, but they play this to their advantage. You overlook the faults of others, but this blows up in your face. This is life with a covert narcissist.

One thing I definitely have learned - They are more in love with the “idea” of being a great person than in actually being one. More in love with the idea of being a great parent than in actually being one. They just want the admiration.

The other extremely useful tool is Imagination Burst. Your own imagination is very effective in dealing with all the pain. If you stay with those intense emotions burning all the time, you will exhaust yourself and go crazy. You simply cannot maintain that emotional burn for the long-term. You need to purposefully take a break from it. This is that break!

I actually tried couples therapy with my husband, a covert narcissist. It did no good for our marriage, but it did validate for me, even more so, what was going on. He threw me under the bus to the therapist, saying things I had never heard before, taking credit for things I had done, and causing me to look pathetic if I objected. Everything was my fault and my responsibility to fix. This became very clear. It was so eye-opening and validating to me that I was in fact dealing with covert narcissistic abuse. I could no longer deny it at all. However, it did nothing to help our marriage.

Covert narcissists don't use conversations to find understanding, reconciliation, or compromise. They don’t use them to get to know someone better or to connect with another person. Sitting around and just visiting with others is a complete waste of time to them!

When with a covert narcissist, you learn to defend yourself constantly. You are always under attack and never feel emotionally safe. Things can blow up at any moment, so your guard is always up. The tiniest little thing can set everything off, so you are on constant watch.

When a healthy individual harms someone that they love, here are some things that typically happen:

• The person who made the mistake feels remorse for hurting the other person.

• The person who made the mistake apologizes with sincerity and without excuses.

• The person who made the mistake tries to not continue repeating the offense.