Why I Chose to Stay: Navigating a Relationship with a Covert Narcissist

A Marriage in Conflict

I was 15 years into my marriage. Our kids were 13 and 11. The environment in our home was unpredictable, swinging between hot and cold.

Good Times

- When he was at work or traveling.

- When he was gaming upstairs or asleep.

Bad Times

- When he was around.

- When he tried to participate in family activities.

- When things didn’t go as he expected—a random, exhausting guessing game of his desires.

Sprinkled in were occasional good times with him—an evening that stayed positive or an activity that actually went well. But mostly, our days existed in this strange, "okay" place. It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t fulfilling.

In this "okay" place, you don’t feel connected, valued, or cared for. You simply co-exist until things spiral into chaos. Even during the calm moments, hypervigilance takes over. You’re constantly anticipating conflict, working around them, and avoiding potential triggers. I talked about this recently in my episode, *Emotional Abuse Consumption – The 100% Impact of 10% Abuse.*

Why Didn’t I Just Leave?

I shared my struggles with a friend. Her response was, “Why don’t you just leave?” It was a well-meaning question, but it wasn’t what I needed. I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to understand, fix, and make things better.

I cringe every time someone asks a victim of covert narcissism, “Why are you still there?” or “Why haven’t you left?” While this question may fit in certain conversations, it can also come across as judgmental and dismissive, leaving the victim feeling worse.

Harmful Messages Behind “Why Don’t You Leave?”

• You’re not strong enough to stand up for yourself.

• You don’t love yourself enough.

• You chose this, so it’s on you.

• If you’re staying, I can’t help you.

These attitudes hurt someone already living in a painful situation. Making them feel worse isn’t the answer.

Reasons Why People Stay

If you’re choosing to stay, you’re not alone. Everyone’s journey is unique, and there are many valid reasons for staying. Let’s explore some of them:

Investment

You’ve built a life together, committing emotionally, mentally, and physically. Walking away from everything you’ve invested in feels overwhelming.

Family Stability

Keeping the family unit intact, especially for the kids, might feel like the better option. You value the ripple effects your decisions have on parents, grandparents, and extended family.

Commitment to Personal Values

You’re committed to understanding, forgiving, and trying to make things work. You value loyalty and don’t want to give up easily.

Financial Concerns

Separating can bring financial strain, and the thought of taking on those challenges alone may feel impossible.

Hope for Change

You hold onto glimpses of improvement, believing that things could get better.

Cultural or Religious Beliefs

Personal values, religious teachings, or cultural expectations may encourage staying.

Fear of the Unknown

Staying can feel safer than stepping into the unknown, especially if you’re unsure what life apart might look like.

Whatever your reasons, they’re valid. No one else can make this decision for you.

Living with a Covert Narcissist

For those who stay, navigating a relationship with a covert narcissist requires tools and strategies to protect your mental and emotional health. While you can’t change their behavior, you can take steps to safeguard your peace.

Tools to Navigate the Relationship

Don’t Try to Change Them

Their behavior is their choice, not yours. Redirect your energy toward yourself rather than trying to manage or fix them.

Set Clear Boundaries

Define what you will and won’t tolerate. For example, "I will not engage in conversations when my fight/flight response is triggered." Boundaries won’t change them but will protect you.

Practice Emotional Detachment

Covert narcissists thrive on emotional reactions. Detaching doesn’t mean ignoring your feelings; it means not letting them control your emotions.

Choose Your Battles

Not every disagreement needs to be addressed. Pick battles carefully to preserve your energy and sanity.

Find Support

Seek out trusted friends, family, therapists, or support groups. Choose people who respect your decision to stay and offer nonjudgmental support.

Focus on Self-Care

Prioritize your well-being by carving out personal time, nurturing your mental health, staying physically active, and practicing mindfulness. Journaling, walking, or even punching a workout bag can help release overwhelming emotions.

Reframing Your Choice

Choosing to stay doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re navigating life in a way that feels right for you at this moment. This choice isn’t set in stone; you can revisit it as your circumstances evolve.

Instead of focusing on others’ judgments, ask yourself, *What do I need to feel stable and grounded right now?* If staying provides that stability, honor your decision. You are the expert of your life, and your reasons are valid.

Closing Thoughts

To everyone choosing to stay in a relationship with a covert narcissist, know this: you are not alone. Your choice does not define your worth or strength. Life is a journey, and you’re navigating it with courage every day.

Take care of yourself, protect your peace, and remember that you have the power to revisit this decision when you’re ready. If this message resonates with you, share it with someone who might need it. For tools, resources, or support, visit www.covertnarcissism.com.

I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing.

Emotional Abuse Consumption

The 100% Impact of 10% abuse

Imagine this: A husband hits his wife twice a month. She never knows what will trigger it or when it will happen, but it’s inevitable. The other days of the month? He’s kind, attentive, and even generous. He helps with chores, pays bills, engages in meaningful conversations, and buys her gifts. On the surface, 94% of their days together seem good. But does this make it a healthy marriage? Would anyone advise her to stay? The answer is a resounding no.

Now, let’s replace physical abuse with emotional, verbal, or psychological abuse. For some reason, society tends to minimize this type of harm. People rationalize, “It isn’t that bad,” or “It’s not all the time.” But the truth is, the impact of emotional abuse is just as pervasive and damaging—and that’s what I want to explore today.

The Insidious Nature of Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse is often described as insidious, and for good reason. It doesn’t have to happen constantly to dominate your thoughts, emotions, and decisions. Even if it occurs 10-25% of the time, it can consume your mind 100% of the time.

The Pie Chart of Abuse

Let’s visualize this with a pie chart:

Imagine 6% of the chart is red, representing the days when abuse happens. The remaining 94% is green, representing the “good” days.

 On paper, this pie chart looks overwhelmingly positive. But for the victim, it tells a different story. Even though the abusive events only occur on a few days, the fear, anticipation, and recovery from those incidents occupy their mind 100% of the time.

Now consider a covert narcissist. Their verbally and psychologically abusive behavior may only account for 10-25% of the time, leaving most days in a strange, okay-but-tense state. Yet, the mental and emotional toll is constant. You’re stuck anticipating, analyzing, and recovering from the abuse, even on the “good” days.

The Emotional Landmine Effect

Imagine walking through a field littered with landmines. Most of the field is safe, but a few hidden mines make every step potentially dangerous. Even though the majority of the land is safe, you’re consumed by fear. You tread carefully, hypervigilant, and paralyzed by the possibility of an explosion.

This is what living with emotional abuse feels like. You’re constantly bracing for the next outburst, overanalyzing every word and action:

• Will this set them off?

• Am I going to pay for this later?

• What if I say it wrong?

Even the simplest interactions become exhausting. The abuse may not be happening at every moment, but the mental and emotional toll is unrelenting.

The Ratio of Time vs. Impact

The actual moments of abuse might seem like small slivers of time. But their unpredictability and severity overshadow everything else. Here’s why:

Anticipation: You spend hours, even days, walking on eggshells, trying to prevent an outburst.

Aftermath: Post-incident, you replay the situation in your mind, questioning what you did wrong or how you could have stopped it.

Hypervigilance: Even on “good” days, you’re on high alert, scanning for signs of impending abuse.

This constant vigilance creates a mental load that drains your energy and consumes your life. It’s not just about the abusive episodes; it’s about the time in between, filled with fear and anxiety.

The Hidden Cost of Emotional Abuse

When people outside the relationship look at the pie chart, they only see the abuse that happens in specific moments. They don’t see the other pie chart—the one that represents the victim’s mental and emotional experience. For the victim, the abuse is not confined to isolated incidents; it’s an all-encompassing reality.

Breaking the Cycle

So how can you stop emotional abuse from consuming your mind? The first step is awareness—recognizing the full impact of the abuse on your mental and emotional well-being. It’s not just about the abusive incidents themselves; it’s about the ripple effects that touch every part of your life.

Steps to Reclaim Your Mind

1. Name It: Start by calling it what it is: emotional abuse. Naming it helps you see it clearly and separate it from your sense of self-worth.

2. Set Boundaries: Boundaries aren’t about controlling the abuser; they’re about protecting yourself. For example, *I won’t engage in this conversation if you’re yelling at me.*

3. Find Support: Seek help from trusted friends, support groups, or therapists who can help you process your experiences.

4. Focus on Self-Care: Replenish your energy with activities that bring you joy and peace, whether it’s journaling, walking, or spending time with supportive people.

5. Take Small Steps Toward Freedom: Leaving an abusive relationship can feel overwhelming, but even small steps—like saving money or building a support system—can help you regain independence.

Closing Thoughts

Emotional abuse may not leave visible scars, but its impact runs deep. It consumes your thoughts, your emotions, and your sense of self. But here’s the thing: you have the power to take back your mind. It starts with recognizing the abuse for what it is and taking steps, however small, to reclaim your mental and emotional space.

If this resonates with you, know that you’re not alone. Healing is possible, and you deserve a life free from the constant weight of emotional abuse. Better days are ahead, and you are strong enough to create a life filled with safety, peace, and love.

I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing.