Covert Narcissism is the Invisible Abuse

Covert narcissistic abuse is a hidden abuse. It is invisible to the world around us. Our family and friends don't see it. Our neighbors don't see it. Our churches don't see it. Our therapists don't see it. The courts don't see it. And way too often, the victims don't see it either.  It is a gradual stealing of your right and ability to matter in this world. It is such tiny steps that it is not seen by the victim for years, decades or even a lifetime. It is a slow and subtle removal of your boundaries. One by one over time you give them away. "Why do you close the door when you go to the bathroom? Are you hiding from me?"  "Why do you do things with your friend? Don't you like doing things with me?"  "Why are you wearing that?" "Why do you say things that way?”

Their words start chipping away at your confidence and security as an individual. You begin checking everything you do against what they will think or say. Your mind becomes occupied with your abuser. The damage being done is all inside you. It is internal.

"What will he say if I tell him I want to go out with my friend?"

"How will he react if I say it this way or that way?"

"I shouldn't do this or that because it might upset him."

You start defending yourself and walking on eggshells and don't even realize it. You're defending things that you should never have to explain or defend. Things that to everyone else are just a normal part of spontaneous life.

But there is no such thing as spontaneous life with a narcissistic abuser. You can't do anything spontaneous anymore. Everything has to be questioned, checked, analyzed. How will he take it? What will he say? How will he react?

Your mind is going a million miles per hour. Your guard is up, and you are protecting yourself against this person who should be your greatest supporter.  You doubt yourself. You measure every action you make against what they will think of you or what they will say or what they will accuse you of. Defending yourself makes you look guilty and desperate. Defending yourself makes you feel guilty and desperate.  Their thoughts, opinions, and feelings now matter more to you than your own. You are slowly being stripped of your ability to matter even to yourself. Your world gets smaller and smaller.  When you try to explain yourself to them, they take such great offense at your attempts. "Why are you being so defensive? I was just asking a simple question. Geez, you're so sensitive!" Now you feel guilty for even responding to them when all you were trying to do was explain yourself. You are now in an impossible situation. You either do everything you think they want exactly as they want it, which is impossible, or you continue to get "put in your place." And NO ONE ELSE SEES IT!!

The Distorted View of an Abuse Victim

A Distorted View of Reality

When my son was around 9 years old, he apparently needed glasses. We did not know that he needed glasses. He was not aware that things were blurry to him. He thought that what he saw was reality. For example when he looked at trees he saw a green blurry mess. For him this is what trees looked like. He did not know any differently. This was a distorted view of reality, but it was all he knew. He had no way of knowing that what he saw was not reality. So to him it was reality!

When we discovered this, of course we took him to the eye doctor to have his eyes checked. The doctor confirmed that he needed glasses. He put on his new glasses, and we walked outside. He immediately exclaimed, “Wow! The trees have leaves!” For the first time, he could see clearly the individual leaves of the tree. He was so surprised at this and found it to be very enjoyable. Now he was seeing a clear picture of reality.

Check Your Symptoms

Before getting glasses, you might experience bad headaches and not know why. These headaches can cause you to be frustrated and tired. Yet you still do not know where this is all coming from. Kids can even start having bad grades as a result of vision issues. If these things are going on with your child, you start trying to figure out why rather than fuss at them for not being good enough, right?

So take a look at yourself. These are some of the symptoms you need to be checking.

• Do you feel like everything is your fault?

• Do you feel that you are never good enough?

• Do you doubt everything you do, say, or think?

• Do you see yourself as worthless and hopeless?

• Are you losing motivation in life?

• Do you struggle to get out of bed?

• Do you feel you have no purpose in life?

If you are experiencing these symptoms, then you need to start exploring. It may not be from abuse, just like your child might not need glasses. There can be other reasons for headaches and bad grades. And there can be other reasons for your symptoms. One big thing to ask yourself is - Are you especially experiencing these symptoms around one particular person in your life and noAbust around others?

The Distorted View of Abuse Victims

Victims of abuse definitely experience a distorted view of reality. Not physically, like my son’s eyes. Rather, your distorted vision is turned inward. You do feel like everything is your fault and everything is your job to fix. You feel that no matter what you do you are not good enough and never will be. You doubt everything you do, say or think. You see yourself as worthless and  your situation as hopeless. You have an extremely tough time seeing a clear view of reality, and you might not even be aware of it. Your vision is extremely distorted.

A distorted view of reality absolutely affects you physically, mentally, and emotionally. You find yourself with no energy, tired all the time, not feeling well, and all sorts of physical ailments.Yet you do not know why. Your mind goes into hyper-drive until it reaches a point of total exhaustion and shuts down completely. Emotions become too painful to feel anymore. Your relationships suffer. Consequently, you lose all motivation to even function. There seems to be no purpose in life anymore. Building the strength to even get out of bed can prove quite challenging. You easily become more and more isolated from the world, and even from those you love, and yet you continue to blame yourself for all of this. This has a disastrous effect on your life.

Gaining Perspective

You are just like my son, trying to decide if what you are seeing is real or not. Are the trees really a blurry green mess or do they have individual leaves? Are the words on the board at school written with a blurry marker or are they clear? Is all this your fault or have you been manipulated to believe this? Are you completely worthless or is there great value in you?

Our son would never have known he needed glasses if he had not spoken up to someone, anyone. He asked me if I could read the words on the movie screen. “Yes, of course,” I replied. “What does it say?” he asked. I was surprised. “You read it,” I said. He responded, “I can’t. I can’t see the letters.” So the process that lead to contact lenses began.

You also need an outside perspective. You need to open up about what you are going through. Start talking about it. Start asking questions. Don’t keep it inside any longer. Even if your friend or family member doesn’t understand, that’s okay. The more you can talk about your feelings, the sooner you can start getting some clarity on them. Quit assuming that you know all the answers already. Let go of the belief that you can tough your way through this.

You must admit that you need help. There is absolutely no shame in that! Join support groups. Read books on healing from abuse and on mindfulness. You need tools that can help you get a better perspective of what reality is. You have to be able to get out of your own mind and see life from a healthier perspective. Just like you would go to the eye doctor to check your view of reality, don't hesitate to go to a counselor, therapist, psychologist, or any other form of help to check your view of reality.

Keep picturing those blurry green blobs that my son saw as trees. Accept that your own perspective may be every bit as blurry. There is a reason you are here looking for answers. You are not alone on this path! I wish you much peace on your journey of healing!

Others have it much worse than me, shouldn’t I just be grateful?

A Recurring Perspective

One perspective that keeps surfacing from my readers goes something like this, “I read other people’s stories and hear the nightmares they are living. Physical abuse, alcohol and drugs, sex addiction and cheating. Mine simply isn’t that bad. Sure, he gets mean and sharp sometimes, but he is tolerable most of the time. That doesn’t mean he is a narcissist. He often can actually be a very nice guy, as long as we make sure he feels special. Shouldn’t I just be grateful and keep my mouth shut? Shouldn’t I stay in the relationship because it really could be far worse? Maybe I don’t really belong in a support group. Maybe this isn’t even abuse.”

When I hear these things, I start asking them why they ended up in the support group to begin with and what brought them there in the first place. Almost always, they start describing emotional, verbal, and mental abuse. They are beaten down emotionally and mentally. They are confused and exhausted. They feel crazy and want answers. Yet they continue to justify the actions of their abuser, by saying that it really could be worse.

I Used to Say it Too

I totally understand this because I have lived it myself. I know these thoughts personally, “At least he isn’t beating me. I don’t think he would ever hurt me or our boys. I don’t think he is cheating on me. Every marriage has its issues. You know, this could be a whole lot worse. How could this be narcissistic abuse?”

And yet he continued to talk so meanly to the boys and me. He blamed us for everything that ever went wrong and many things that weren’t even wrong to begin with. He verbally and psychologically abused the boys, making them so afraid of ever upsetting him. He never listened to any of us when we tried to explain how he made us feel. He only continued to slaughter us with his tongue, while holding no empathy for his family. We walked on eggshells, always afraid of his anger, for years.

Could things have been worse? Yes, I think someone who is walking on eggshells and terrified for their own life and the lives of their kids is in a worse place. Does that make how we were living okay? Absolutely not!!

Analogy of a Broken Leg

If you have a broken leg, you don’t think, “Well, some people lose their leg, so since it could be worse, I’ll just tough it out and keep my mouth shut about it.” You don’t chose to be grateful and thus not fix your broken leg simply because their situation is worse. This wouldn’t make sense to anyone around you. Your entire family and circle of friends would be all over you to get to the doctor and take care of your leg.

Pain is pain, and healing is needed!

It is, of course, okay to recognize that things could be worse. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being grateful that they aren’t worse. But this doesn’t mean you have to stay or put up with abuse just because it could be worse. This doesn’t even make sense. Yet how many of us rationalize this way? How many of us have family and friends that even try to convince us of this?

Analogy of a School Shooter

If a shooter in one school walks into a classroom and kills just one person, while another in another school kills 30, one of these is clearly worse than the other. However just because the first situation could have been much worse, this does not take away the pain of the family of the one that was killed. That family still suffers and grieves. Their pain is very real. They are greatly affected, and it will take some time to heal.

Because one situation is “worse” also does not take away the fact that both shooters must be held accountable for their actions.  The shooter of the one person will still go to jail and face punishment, as they should. Can you imagine a judge saying, “Well, at least you only killed one. It could have been worse. You are free to go?” What!!! Media would have a heyday with that. I can see the picket lines and rioting already.

No More Justification

I think we could all find someone that we think has a worse situation than we do. That’s okay. There is no need for comparisons here. It is okay to be grateful that your own situation isn’t worse. It is okay to feel compassion for those that are in a worst situation. You also don’t have to pretend that your situation is worse than it is in order to justify leaving.

It is also okay to walk away from your situation and your abuser. Please do not use the justification that it could be worse as a reason to stay in an abusive relationship.

Abuse is abuse, and healing is needed!!