A Christmas Message of Hope and Peace

Reflections on Past Holidays

As I sit in my quiet home, gazing at the Christmas tree and the stockings hanging neatly, memories of past holidays come rushing back. Those days were filled with tension, anxiety, and stress. The holidays were supposed to bring joy, but for me, they often felt like an uphill battle—trying to create peace in a home where peace wasn’t welcomed.

I remember making plans, hoping for moments of connection:

- Playing Monopoly, our family’s favorite game.

- Taking the dogs to the park.

- Driving around to see Christmas lights.

- Watching movies or football together.

- Wrapping gifts and preparing meals as a family.

When Plans Turn Sour

But the reality? Those plans often turned into something else entirely. Monopoly became a stage for dominance, with my husband threatening to quit if decisions didn’t align with his “business skills.” Trips to the dog park ended in frustration as he yelled at the dogs and at us. Even the simple joy of looking at Christmas lights became stressful, marred by his road rage. Activities meant to bring us closer only pushed us further apart.

Finding Ways to Avoid Conflict

Over time, I adjusted to avoid conflict. I started playing Monopoly with the kids when he wasn’t around. I took the dogs to the park alone. I made excuses for why the kids couldn’t join us for certain outings. I wrapped all the gifts myself, cooked the meals, and quietly ensured everything went as smoothly as possible.

On Christmas mornings, I prayed for calm. Any small misstep—a missing battery, a duplicate gift—could ignite tension. I worked tirelessly to anticipate every need, to fix every problem before it even started. My cheerfulness was a shield, my bubbly energy a barrier to keep anger at bay. But beneath it all, I was exhausted and deeply unhappy.

Six Years of Transformation

This January marks six years since my divorce was finalized. My boys are older now, and Christmastime looks entirely different for us. Our home has transformed into a sanctuary—a place where feelings matter, laughter echoes, and everyone can simply be themselves.

Now, we take turns preparing meals and play games, including Monopoly, without fear of judgment. We watch shows and football together, take trips, and have giant wrapping parties, tossing tape and scissors down the hall with playful banter. We’ve created a home that feels safe, welcoming, and filled with love.

Reclaiming My Space

This transformation didn’t happen overnight. It was a journey of reclaiming my space and, in doing so, reclaiming myself. After the divorce, I debated whether to stay in the house or leave. Ultimately, I decided to stay and make it my own. Bit by bit, I replaced items that carried painful memories—pillows, blankets, furniture, and even the paint on the walls. Each change brought me closer to creating a home that felt authentically mine.

Creating Peace Within and Around Me

Creating a peaceful home started with creating peace within myself. I had to let go of the need to control every situation, a survival tactic I’d developed during those chaotic years. I learned to hold space for my own emotions—sadness, anger, fear—without judgment. This, in turn, allowed me to create a space where my boys could express their feelings freely and without fear.

Here’s How I Began This Journey Toward Peace

1. Decluttering My Space: Removing physical clutter helped clear my mind and brought a sense of calm to my environment.

2. Creating Quiet Moments: I set aside time daily for reflection, prayer, or simply sitting in silence to reconnect with myself.

3. Choosing Kindness: I made a conscious effort to approach situations with compassion, even when it was difficult.

Redefining Home and Happiness

Building a loving, peaceful home has been a process of constant growth and adjustment. There are still hard days, but they no longer define our lives. Instead, what defines our home now is the safety and love we’ve cultivated together.

A Message of Hope

If you’re reading this and longing for a home that feels like a sanctuary, know that it’s possible. It starts with small, intentional steps. Perhaps it’s setting boundaries, practicing self-care, or seeking support. Whatever your next step is, trust that it’s leading you toward the life you deserve.

The light at the end of the tunnel isn’t a myth. It’s real. One day, the laughter in your home will be genuine. You’ll feel safe expressing your emotions without fear of judgment. Your home will become a place of peace, not a battlefield.

Looking Ahead to a Brighter Future

This holiday season, my boys and I are preparing to travel to the mountains for some skiing and family time. Life is far from perfect, but it’s filled with peace, love, and connection. The journey here wasn’t easy, but it was worth every step.

To anyone on a similar path, better days are ahead. You are strong enough to create the home and life you’ve always dreamed of—a home filled with safety, laughter, and love. I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing!

Strategies for the Holiday Season When Dealing with Covert Narcissism

Navigating the holiday season after enduring covert narcissistic abuse can be emotionally challenging. Here are expert strategies to help you maintain your peace and prioritize healing during this time:

1. Set Boundaries Early and Clearly

• Decide what feels safe for you: Limit contact with individuals who trigger you or who were enablers of the covert narcissist.

• Practice saying "no": Prepare polite yet firm responses if you're pressured to participate in gatherings or activities that feel overwhelming.

• Don’t defend yourself, you have no need for any justifications.

2. Create New Traditions

• Start traditions that bring joy and meaning to you. Whether it’s a cozy movie marathon, baking your favorite treats, or volunteering, build a holiday experience that feels authentic to your healing journey.

3. Limit Exposure to Triggers

• Skip the comparisons: Social media can amplify feelings of inadequacy. Take breaks or curate your feed to focus on uplifting content.

• Avoid known stressors: Decline invitations or situations that may bring you into contact with toxic dynamics.

4. Prepare for Emotional Triggers

• Know your triggers: Journaling or reflecting beforehand can help you identify potential challenges, such as feelings of loneliness, guilt, or anger.

• Have a support plan: Schedule time to talk to a trusted friend, therapist, or support group during tough moments.

5. Focus on Gratitude and Grounding

• Gratitude journaling: Write down three things you’re thankful for each day to shift focus from pain to positive moments.

• Mindfulness practices: Engage in breathing exercises, meditation, or yoga to stay present and calm.

6. Avoid Over-Commitment

• Keep your schedule manageable to prevent exhaustion or burnout. Prioritize only what feels right for your mental health and energy levels.

7. Build a "Holiday Support Toolkit"

• Essential contacts: Keep a list of trusted friends, therapists, or hotlines for immediate support.

• Comfort items: Stock up on cozy blankets, a favorite book, calming teas, or soothing music to create a comforting environment.

• Distraction tools: Have activities like puzzles, crafts, or movies ready for moments when you need to refocus.

8. Acknowledge and Process Emotions

• Allow yourself to grieve what was lost, whether it's a relationship, family dynamic, or an idealized holiday image. Journaling or talking with a therapist can help you process these feelings.

9. Prioritize Self-Care

• Take care of your physical health with regular meals, hydration, and sleep.

• Treat yourself to something special—a massage, a favorite meal, or a small gift that brings you joy.

• Don’t defend yourself 

10. Remember Your Progress

• Reflect on how far you’ve come since breaking free from the covert narcissist’s influence. Celebrate your resilience and small wins, no matter how minor they may seem.

Make this holiday season the best one ever for yourself! As you become more free to be you, the world around you will reap the benefits too. Those you love will enjoy the real YOU!