Covert narcissists absolutely hate for the other person to be right. Especially if that person is a spouse, significant other, parent or child. They will disagree with you simply for the sake of disagreeing. Their immediate reaction to most of what you say is to tell you that you are wrong. Then they will explain their own point of view, saying the exact same thing you did. If you try to tell them that is the same as what you said, they will adamantly deny that and explain their point of view all over again. They will put words in your mouth, saying, “No, you said….” Those words will often not be anything like what you said. If you confront them on this, they often have a standard cop-out, “Well, I don’t remember exactly word for word, but it was something like that.” Their insistence of explaining how they were right and you were wrong is never-ending. You will go in infinite circles around and around. You will get absolutely nowhere!
If you must interact with him/her, one very effective tactic is to beat them at their own game. Anticipate their irrational reactions before they happen and call them out on it ahead of time. Use their own desire to always be right and to always prove you wrong against them.
Let’s say you know you have a tough conversation coming with your covert narcissist. Before the conversation even starts, simply say, “Now I know you are going to react hard to this, but I need to tell you something.” Then tell them. Now they are in a bind. Their own burning desire to prove you wrong will keep their reaction in check. If they blow up now, then you will be right, and they CANNOT allow that to happen.
Some examples of these pre-emptive statements include:
I know you are not going to like this, but ……
I know you are going to get mad, but …...
I know this is going to set you off, but …….
As soon as the words “I know” come out of your mouth, their mind is already triggered to prove you wrong. Watch them nearly bite their tongue in half just to prove you wrong! Enjoy it! They might even say, “See, you were wrong. I didn’t get mad.” Your response is, “Wow, ok thanks.” And walk away. You got what you wanted, to say what you needed to say without them blowing up at you.
Often, we still are caught in interactions with these covert narcissists. Maybe you have kids together and are co-parenting, otherwise known as counter parenting. Maybe you simply aren’t out of the relationship yet. Maybe it’s your parent, and you don’t want to completely cut ties. If you must keep interacting with them, then you should start finding ways to do it without losing your own mind.