What is a Circular Conversation?
Understanding Circular Conversations
Let me start by saying these aren’t conversations. They are verbal competitions and, at times, even warfare. Narcissists don’t use conversations to find understanding or compromise; they use them to win. These exchanges are planned and manipulated, leaving no room for spontaneity or natural dialogue. Instead, they feel like calculated battles where only one person—the narcissist—sets the rules.
In our household, conversations with my husband felt like elaborate rituals. He would announce, almost majestically robotic, “NOW WE ARE HAVING A CONVERSATION!” Everything else had to stop—all attention on him. Life ceased to exist for us. He would then sit in silence for a few moments, dramatically close his eyes, as if summoning the “great” words he was about to speak. It felt like a royal decree was about to be issued, leaving everyone else on edge and utterly frozen before a single word was even spoken.
The Chaos of Circular Conversations
Once the conversation began, it could go in any direction, often starting with how he felt offended. These "conversations" were more like monologues from a dictator, leaving no room for dialogue. Everyone in the room stayed silent, knowing that anything said could and would be used against them. It’s no wonder these discussions are often called gaslighting, word salad, or verbal vomit. To me, they are conversations from hell—an endless loop of negativity that leaves you feeling trapped and hopeless.
You find yourself defending everything you have ever done, said, or even thought. You are defending a look you had or the way you breathed. Guards are up and active. Spontaneity does not exist. Reciprocity does not exist. There is no natural give and take because with a narcissist there is no give. Staying relaxed is nearly impossible. Even the simplest issue spirals out of control. You could start by expressing frustration about yard work and end up defending why you didn’t cook dinner one night last month. It doesn't matter that he said he wasn't hungry that night. It is simply ammunition against you. The topic changes so fast it’s impossible to keep up. The entire experience is emotionally exhausting and mentally draining. If you have been through this, you know exactly what I am talking about.
8 Signs of a Circular Conversation
1. You’re Teaching Basic Communication Skills
You find yourself explaining simple concepts like kindness or empathy to a grown adult. You are actually trying to teach them how to talk nicely to people, something we all learned in kindergarten. “Now Johnny, we mustn’t talk that way to others.” Healthy adults just do not need to be taught the golden rule. But narcissistic people seem to have missed those lessons. When I found myself explaining to my husband, a full grown man and father of two boys, how his tone of voice influences people’s feelings, I realized we had a real problem.
The fact of the matter is that any full-grown adult knows how to treat other people. They know how to be kind and good, but covert narcissists pretend not to, forcing you into a counselor role.
2. You’re Searching for the "Right Words"
I absolutely wore my brain out with this one! There simply is not an angle left that I didn’t try. “Maybe these words, this approach, this tone of voice, this perspective, etc.” It was endless effort and extremely taxing on both my head and my heart. To top it all off, it never did any good! All it did was keep all the responsibility on my own shoulders. I used to think, “If I am not able to find the right words, then I cannot be mad at him for not getting it.” What!! Since when did I become the counselor? I am telling you now that it is NOT your job to help them understand. I am not saying don’t make any effort when someone has hurt your feelings. But I am saying there is a point where it no longer becomes your responsibility to keep explaining it to someone who doesn’t get it and clearly doesn’t want to.
You think, *If I can just find the right words, he’ll stop treating me this way.* You exhaust yourself trying every possible approach, but nothing works. It’s not your responsibility to make someone understand if they’re unwilling to listen.
3. The Conversations Are Combative
I reached a point where I would say to my friend, “I don’t even know how to have a normal conversation with my husband.” You see, narcissistic people don’t see conversations as a time of connection and reciprocity. Actually, in their eyes, there is no such thing as conversation. It is a verbal competition instead. Most of the time, they seem to want communication to be difficult and a problem. They don’t want to understand. They want only to maintain their position of superiority. In order to truly understand and sympathize with someone, you must allow a moment or two to be about the other person. Narcissistic people absolutely cannot do this. Not even for a tiny moment can life be about someone else. When they can keep the conversation confusing and difficult, it can stay centered around them. Then they have a “duty” to explain and educate the other person, which maintains their superiority and arrogance.
Narcissists view conversations as battles, not opportunities for connection. They thrive on keeping communication difficult and centered on themselves, maintaining their superiority.
4. There Is No Resolution
You know that place, when you have been in a heated discussion with a loved one, where you feel reconciliation? This is a moment where both parties feel sorry for the pain they have caused. Both feel humbleness, honesty, and compassion. In this moment, you feel very open and connected with each other. Well, this place does NOT exist with a narcissistic person! You will NEVER get there!! It does not matter whether you are in the original heated discussion or in the 100th discussion after it trying to get resolution. These discussions can last 5 minutes or 5 hours. It simply does not matter. You will not be able to find a peaceful and compassionate ending.
Healthy discussions lead to reconciliation, where both parties feel heard and connected. With a narcissist, this moment never comes. Discussions can last minutes or hours, but they never resolve.
5. The Topic Switcheroo
If a narcissistic person does not like the direction of the current discussion, I guarantee you they will switch it around. Here’s an example: We were at the counselor together trying to find some middle ground in order to save our marriage. Here is how the discussion went:
Him: I have asked you to tell me what I am doing wrong in our marriage, and you won’t tell me.
Me: I have told you many times why I am frustrated. I am done telling you.
Him: I have asked you to tell me right when it is happening. I think the problem really is that you say, “Yes,” and yet you DO no.
Me: What does that mean?
Him: You told me that you will point things out as they happen and yet you don’t do that.
Me: I have pointed them out at the time, and that didn’t work. So I tried an hour later, that didn’t work, I tried the next day, that didn’t work. I have tried everything I know to try, so now I am done trying.
Him (arrogantly): So you said yes and you are doing no. You do that with lots of things.
Me: Now what are you talking about?
Him: I’m talking about the windows in the house. You still haven’t gotten those done, but you said you would.
What! You've got to be kidding me! Two years earlier, we had talked about replacing the windows in the house. I had gotten some estimates, but it went no further than that. For two years, nothing else had been said about it by either one of us until that day at the counselor. Now all of a sudden it is all my fault?
If they don’t like the current topic, they’ll switch it to something completely unrelated. You might be discussing an issue from today and suddenly find yourself defending something from years ago.
6. They Play the Eternal Victim
This victim role is perpetual and ever-lasting. Some of their favorite phrases are:
I had a tough childhood.
My dad/mom treated me badly.
I have low self-esteem because of my childhood.
Nobody likes me. Everybody is against me. “Poor me” is the attitude.
These become excuses and crutches. They play the victim card so everyone will feel badly for them and let them off the hook. Then they don’t have to “fix” anything and can go merrily on their way treating people however they choose. This victim role prevents them from ever having to be accountable for themselves.
One time, I was trying to explain to my husband how his quickness to be offended hurt those around him. I told him that he gets so quickly offended over things that shouldn’t even be offensive in the first place. He asked for an example. So I reminded him about a time when I had asked our son to help him empty the dishwasher. This offended him so badly that he stormed out of the room and closed himself in the guest bedroom for 45 minutes. When I finally went up to talk to him, he told me that the incident had communicated to him that I thought he was an idiot, incapable of emptying the dishwasher by himself. I asked him why that thought would even cross his mind. He did not remember this incident but explained how he could see himself reacting that way. He added, “You know how much I struggle with feeling worthless. I was treated very poorly by my dad, you know.” This repeatedly becomes an excuse, a justification, and a hindrance all at once. The attitude is, you have to get off my back because I struggle with self-esteem and your words are damaging me more. You should feel sorry for me because I was treated so badly as a child. I don’t have to fix this or get any better because it really isn’t my fault.
Narcissists often blame their behavior on past trauma or low self-esteem. This perpetual victim role absolves them of accountability and allows them to continue their toxic behavior.
7. You Walk Away Confused
These conversations are like no other. Your head is left spinning. You will feel as though you have used every ounce of energy you have and yet accomplished absolutely nothing. You replay this conversation over and over for hours or even days, obsessing over things you should have said or could have said better. You now have a million arguments laid out in your head, left unaddressed in the actual conversation because it was spinning too fast.
After these conversations, you feel mentally drained and emotionally defeated. You replay the discussion endlessly, trying to make sense of it, but it only leaves you more confused.
8. Silent Treatment with a Twist
I am not referring to the silent treatment that might last for days on end. I am not talking about casually ignoring someone. This silent treatment is extremely direct and purposeful. It is a little hard to describe, so bear with me. When he has become offended by something I have said, done, not said, or not done, it is immediately crystal clear. Not because of what he says, but because of his body language and lack of words. He has this way of existing in space that communicates complete disdain for the other person. He stares at absolutely nothing, in a very contemplative manner. This silence can last for a few minutes or for quite a while. It creates a tension that cannot be described in words. The grip of that tension is felt mentally, emotionally, and even physically. Getting out of this entrapment proves to be incredibly difficult and staying takes an incredible toll on your body, mind, heart and soul.
Their silence is not casual; it’s deliberate and heavy. This purposeful silence creates unbearable tension, leaving you feeling trapped and on edge.
How to Protect Yourself
If you’re caught in circular conversations, it’s crucial to recognize the patterns and set boundaries to protect your emotional health.
Recognize the Signs
Trust your instincts. If a conversation feels consistently wrong or leaves you emotionally drained, it’s time to address the pattern.
Set Boundaries
Decide what you will and won’t tolerate. You have the right to end a conversation that feels harmful. For example, say, “I won’t continue this discussion if it’s not respectful.”
Don’t Engage
You don’t need to defend yourself against every accusation or participate in every argument. Walking away is a valid option.
Focus on Your Mental Health
Take time for self-care, whether it’s journaling, therapy, or engaging in activities that bring you peace. Protecting your emotional well-being is vital.
Find Support
Talk to trusted friends, family, or a therapist who understands the dynamics of narcissistic abuse. They can help you navigate these difficult situations.
Closing Thoughts
Circular conversations with narcissists are exhausting and dehumanizing. If you’re trapped in these discussions, remember that you have the right to protect your peace. Recognize the signs, set boundaries, and prioritize your emotional well-being.
You are not alone. For more tools and support, visit www.covertnarcissism.com. Remember, you have the power to step away and reclaim your voice.
I wish you peace on your journey of healing.