Emotional Safety is Crucial for Us and for Our Kids

Damaging Our Kids

How much damage are we doing to our own kids? You may think that it is only your toxic partner that is hurting them, but you will be surprised to find that you are perhaps adding to that damage too.

“I was SO wrapped up in trying to keep peace that I pushed my own kids’ feelings under the rug right along with everything else.”

I used to say to myself, “Why can’t my boys just do what is necessary to keep their dad happy?” Because they were kids!

I used to wonder, “Why don’t the boys get it? Can’t they just do what he says? It would be so much more peaceful.” Because that is not their role in life. They are allowed to be kids, and they are allowed to express themselves. They are people too!

They were good boys just being kids, and I was asking the wrong questions. Instead of asking why the boys didn’t get it, I should have been asking why doesn’t my husband get it? Why can’t he let them be kids? Why doesn’t he accept them as they are?

My focus was all wrong. I was trying to keep peace with the elephant in the room. I made my priority to keep my husband happy because he was the meanest to everyone when he was unhappy. We paid a high price when he was upset.

In trying to keep peace, I pushed everything under the rug as fast as I could. I quieted and corrected the boys, even when they were doing no wrong. I jumped on them quickly simply to beat their dad to it, knowing that he would be unreasonable. All because I wanted to keep peace with their dad.

I paid a high price for this mistake. My boys learned that their feelings didn’t matter. They couldn’t be angry. They couldn’t be happy. Any and all of their feelings were pushed down due to emotional fear.

Feelings Matter

One thing I learned in all of this is that feelings matter! Emotional safety is hugely important! Without it, we will simply go crazy. If our pushed down anger doesn’t kill us, then our own stress level will. .

Emotional safety is crucial! What is emotional safety?

-Feeling free to express yourself, free from judgment and criticism

-Being free to feel your own feelings

-Having the freedom to get mad and work through it on your own

-Having the freedom to be happy and silly

-Being internally relaxed

-Feeling safe to let your guard down

-Openly free to share our hurts, fears, dreams, tender feelings

-Free to be vulnerable and non-defensive

-Knowing that you are not responsible for the other person’s feelings

Without this emotional safety, we build defenses. We defend ourselves against potential criticism, blame, shame and rejection. We defend ourselves by being critical of others and minimizing their needs and feelings.

How do you give them emotional safety?

The absolutely best first step is to work on emotional safety yourself. Are you emotionally safe? Do everything you can to put yourself in this safety first. As you do, your own defenses will come down. Work on being internally relaxed, both mentally and emotionally. This is the single best thing you can do for your own kids’ emotional growth.

Let your kids express anger. Don’t be afraid of it or quit to shut it down. If they are expressing it, then they are not bottling it up inside them. This is a good thing! They need to learn that there are boundaries for expressing anger. Throwing things or hitting people should not be acceptable. Give them safe ways to release that anger. Hitting a workout bag or pillow, throwing a tennis ball forcefully at a safe wall, and kicking a beach ball are some great examples.

Don’t judge and criticize them when they express their dreams. Don’t superficially praise them either. Be open to their ideas, and at the same time be honest with your own opinions.

Remember that your kid is a fellow human being. Yes you brought him/her into this world. But they are still a separate human being, with their own ideas, thoughts, dreams, fears, feelings, and life. Look at them as such. See them for who they really are.

Explore this emotional safety further. Help your kids to develop emotional skills and emotional health. For more information on helping your kids’ emotional development, check out my ebook devoted just to this.

Don't Over-Compensate for the Narcissistic Parent

A huge mistake often made by the non-narcissistic parent is over-compensation.

When our co-parent is abusing our children in any way, it is extremely easy to over-compensate by trying to erase all the bad feelings in our child. Our intentions are good. We know that those bad feelings are coming from the way they are being treated. So if we can erase those bad feelings, then maybe we can erase the damage they are suffering. However the results may not be quite what we hope for.

One definition of a narcissist is an empty shell wrapped in a façade of grandiosity. That empty shell comes from all the abuse, but the façade of grandiosity comes from the over-compensation.

Empty Shell

Kids cannot emotionally comprehend the abuse of a parent who is supposed to love them. They internalize it, believing that they themselves are to blame. This leaves them feeling worthless and hopeless. These feelings are too overwhelming for kids and leave them numb and closed off to their own feelings. In other words, an empty shell.

Façade of Grandiosity

When the other parent over compensates by telling them how wonderful, beautiful, amazing and so on that they are, this does not line up with the empty feelings they are experiencing. But it feels better, so they try to cling to this. However, this then becomes a false sense of security for them. It is often easier to ignore bad internal feelings than it is to face them. So it is easy to cling to those feelings that they are great and wonderful, even though they don’t truly believe them. They become that empty shell wrapped in a façade of grandiosity.

So how do we help them instead?

Obviously we can’t always or even often change the behavior of our narcissistic counter parent. So we have to focus on our own parenting skills. The goal is to create a healthy sense of self in our child. What does that look like?

·        Self-awareness

·        Self-perceptiveness

·        Self-value

·        Acceptance of personal strengths and weaknesses

·        Acceptance of one’s humanness

Emotional Muscle Building

Kids need emotional muscles in life. If you carry your child everywhere, they will never learn to walk on their own. Their own leg muscles will atrophy and, over a long enough period, walking will never be an option for them. If you “fix” everything for them so they never build emotional muscles, then this same thing happens.

Quit protecting them from ever feeling disappointment or sadness. Quit protecting them from feeling shame when they deserve it. Quit making them believe that they are above others. Quit rescuing them from the consequences of their actions. Start calling them out on their self-centeredness. Start holding them accountable for their words and actions. Take away their emotional handicaps and create emotional resilience. They are stronger than you think they are. Have confidence in their hearts and in their potential.

Fill the Inner Emptiness

So how do you fill that inner emptiness? Let’s start by looking at how many of us try to fill it and fail. We tell them that they are wonderful. We tell them how great they are, how smart they are, how handsome or pretty they are. None of this ever seemed to work for my kids. They blew it off and never believed me anyways. This is empty praise and does not make help them to fill that emptiness.

I teach martial arts to kids. I see this empty praise often at my school. A parent will sit in the viewing chairs, with their nose in their phone. They don’t pay any attention to what their child is doing in the class. In the meantime, I am having to correct their child repeatedly, calling them out for bad behavior and lack of focus. Much to my surprise though, as we dismiss and the child leaves the floor, the parent will happily exclaim, “Great job today son/daughter. You did great!” I want to say, “Did you see the class? Were you watching how they did?” That child knows they were called out and corrected. They may not be able to verbalize this, but they feel that parent’s empty praise for what it is. While they can’t put it into words, they know that it doesn’t feel right.

Empty praise makes us feel even emptier.

Teach them the feeling of mattering

When my oldest son was around the age of 10, he had a day that was feeling particularly off to him. He was down and completely unmotivated. He was home all day and completely bored, adding to his lack of motivation. I gave him a small list with a few options of productive things to do. On that list were things like bathe the dogs, vacuum the house, wash the windows, and so on. He decided to bathe the dogs. I was extremely glad he chose that one because it was one chore that I really did not like doing, as it was hard on my back. When he got done, I told him how much I appreciated him doing that and how much it helped me. He actually told me, at that young age, that it had really made him feel better. He felt like he had done something very useful and beneficial. I used this opportunity to teach him about the value of productivity.

On his own, he applied this later in his childhood. As any normal kid does, he had other days when he was off. But he noticed it in himself. So, on his own, he chose to go bathe the dogs. He felt the value of this action and felt like he mattered in our world. He did not need a reward of ice cream, money, or anything else. In fact, sometimes those rewards interfere with a child feeling the more internal rewards. He needed to FEEL productive, helpful, and appreciated.

Your kids need to feel that they matter in your world. Don’t do this through excessive praise. This so easily gets shallow and meaningless. They need to have chores and responsibilities. They need to feel like a necessary and valuable part of the family. If it is their job to feed the pets, then they need to feed the pets. When they forget, simply remind them and have them do it. Resist the temptation to just do it for them. I know that is quicker and easier, but it does not teach them responsibility and value. Those pets are relying on your kids for their nourishment. Explain that to your child. Most pets will show great appreciation to the one that feeds them. Let your child experience that. It helps them to feel like they matter, which of course, they do.

You are NOT a superhero!

One final note here. Please remember that you are no different than any other parent struggling through parenthood. I got wrapped up in trying to make sure I did everything right for my kids. I so badly wanted to, as I’m sure you do. I don’t question your desire to be a great parent. That is a wonderful desire. But it is easy to get so caught up in trying to do everything right that we end up making a complete disaster of it.

Give yourself permission to be human. You can’t fix everything. You can’t help them with everything. This isn’t all bad. They NEED to learn some things for themselves as well. They NEED to learn to rely on themselves as well. That’s okay.

If someone would have just told me what to do in order to ensure my boys have a bright, healthy and happy future, I would have walked through fire for them. Trouble is that there is no blueprint, no sure way, no guidebook with all the answers. You do the best you can and then let them go. Trust your heart and learn to trust theirs too!

Sometimes We Stay for Our Kids.....At Least For A While

I am right now at the point of making the single hardest decision I have ever made. Do I stay or do I leave? Do I file for divorce or do I keep putting it off?

This is NOT an easy decision. It is one I have faced before, but never like I do now. These last few days have put this question in front of me in a way like never before. For many of my friends, this seems like such an easy decision. They see the abuse, they see the anguish in me and in our boys, they know that we have suffered. “Just get out,” they say. I know they mean well, and it seems so straight forward to them. But it isn’t!!

Many of them have asked me why I have stayed as long as I have. I have one simple answer to that. For our boys. I know in some situations it seems the right choice to leave, but please understand that in some situations it seems the right choice to stay, at least for a while. So let me explain.

Sacrifices for Our Kids

I have two amazing boys. They are my world, and I would do anything for them. I could not bare the thought of them spending alone time with their narcissistic father. At times when I did have commitments, I realized that one evening alone with him consistently did so much damage to them. I repeatedly came home to so much tension and negative energy in the house that I just couldn’t stand it. It got to where I started canceling all the evening engagements that I could. I didn’t go out with my girlfriends, hardly ever. I had to work some in the evenings, but I would rush home as fast as I could each time.

I’ve heard horror stories of judges placing custody of the kids into the hands of the narcissistic parent. These parents are very capable of charming the courts and appearing quite stable and caring. The non-narcissistic parent, who by now has nearly lost their mind with all the head-spinning circular conversations and sheer exhaustion, can appear exasperated and unstable. There was just NO way that I was going to put the lives of my boys into the hands of a judge I did not know. A judge who does not know my husband and who could easily be snowed over.

Even if I gained full custody, I also knew that they would still have to spend time with him. Every other weekend, some holidays, even some of summer break. NO WAY!! Then I would not have been there to help them process all the negativity. I would not have been there to play buffer and step in the way of the line of fire.

Personal Example

I’ll give you a perfect example. Two years ago, our youngest was 14 years old. I knew that he and his dad had gotten into it over what tv show to watch. Our son wanted to watch MASH, but my husband wanted to watch Frasier. Rather than being able to peacefully work to a compromise, this became a heated issue, like many times before. My husband was harsh and demanding to his own son, who just wanted to watch a simple tv show with his family. How many dad’s out there would give money for their son to want to watch a show with the family? We ended up watching nothing, and our son went to his room to get on his phone instead.

My husband asked me if I thought he had done anything wrong here. He would often ask me, but then argue with anything I said. He didn’t ever want my opinion. He wants an audience so he can argue his point. This is just a “polite” and subtle way to get to that argument. I told him that I didn’t understand why he cared SO much about what show we watched. We have watched so many episodes of each of these, so what difference does it make? A lot of parents would just be thrilled that their teenage child even wants to watch a show with them at all. He responded, “So, I’m just supposed to let him win all the time?” Win? Who said anything about winning? This isn’t a competition. It’s just a show on tv. It was clear that my husband also didn’t care what show we actually watched. He only cared about who “wins” as the picker of the show.

He then decided to go upstairs and “fix” things with our son. This is the worst part!! His way of fixing things is to tell you everything you have ever done wrong. You find yourself defending anything you have ever said, thought or done. Even things you haven’t said, thought or done. It is a horrible place to be, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

For all of our children’s lives, I have tried to stop these horrible conversations. I call them circular conversations from hell. No matter what you say, he will throw everything back at you, making everything your fault. You can try to express your own thoughts and feelings. However, he will manipulate your words, twisting them around so much that you don’t even know what happened.

This particular night, after they had been in the room for quite awhile, I tried to interrupt this conversation. I came in and reminded our son that he had a math test the next day and that it was getting late. I looked at his dad and said, “He really should get to bed soon.” It was almost 10:00 at night. About 10 minutes later, my husband came out of our son’s room. As usual, he never said a word to me about what had happened or how things were. He got ready for bed, went to bed, and was sound asleep without a care in the world.

So I went to check on our son. I found our 14-year old son curled up in a ball on his closet floor. He was surrounded by his stuffed animals from childhood, crying and saying over and over, “I hate myself. I hate myself.” This image is forever implanted in my brain and makes me want to scream.

I simply held him for a while. I assured him that he was safe and fine. I asked what had happened, but he didn’t want to talk about it. I knew it was late, but he sure couldn’t go to sleep like this. I took him downstairs and outside to our back patio. We train in martial arts and have a hanging bag out there. I wrapped his hands and said, “Start pounding.” He attacked that workout bag for a hard 15 minutes with tears streaming down his cheeks. Then he plopped down in the chair beside me, huffing, and said, “Thanks, I needed that.”

Then we talked. I asked him if he wanted to tell me about the conversation with his dad. He did, so I listened. I didn’t have any great words of advice. His dad was playing the same manipulative games he always played. There was nothing magic I could say to my son. But I listened. I told him that I understood. I knew how he felt because I had been there so many times before. We talked for nearly an hour. By this time, I could feel that the emotionally energy in him had subsided. He thanked me for simply allowing him to vent. Around 11:30 now, he went to sleep much more peacefully.

If this had been one of his weekend’s to spend with dad, I would not have been there to help release that emotional energy. I didn’t do anything amazing or spectacular. I was just there for him, that’s all.

So when someone says that it is their choice to stay, for now, don’t judge them. If you are in that position struggling to decide what to do, my best advice is listen to your heart. Quiet your mind. It will run in circles forever. Simply tell it to take a break. Then you can listen to your heart. Let your heart guide you. If someone questions you, that doesn’t matter. Only you know…..deep inside.

Learning Life Lessons as a Mother

Nothing in life has taught me more about myself than being a mom. It is the most challenging thing I have ever done. I have loved it and hated it, and both often at the same time. I used to say, “Moms get the worst fussing, but we get the best loving too.” And this was before I knew the word narcissism. I realized quickly that parenting was going to be difficult. I had no idea what was in store for me. Parenting with a covert narcissist is absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done!

Our precious little ones can become monsters around us, pushing all the wrong buttons at all the wrong times. But they can also brighten the darkest day with a snuggle and a smile at just the right moment. The little stinkers! They are impossible to figure out.

I recently came across a beautiful website about motherhood. It is www.thinkbaby.org. The founders and authors are Zoe Withers, Josephine Peterson, and Angela Jansen. This website is loaded with awesome information for mothers. While it may seem far removed from the narcissistic world I write about, one of Zoe’s articles really hit home with me. I want to share some of that insight here.

Zoe wrote an article called Important Lessons I’ve Learned as a Mother. Parenting can absolutely change your life, if you let it. What an amazing opportunity for personal growth in so many ways. Zoe mentioned three lessons she has learned as a mother. I want to take those three and apply them to myself as a mother parenting with a covert narcissist. Thank you Zoe for providing the inspiration for this article. I highly recommend you check out her blog for more great articles by her and her co-authors.

Patience, everything happens with time

Parenting does not happen overnight. Nor does becoming a good parent. Most people will agree that parenting requires patience. But they are usually referring to the patience needed to deal with the antics of a child. Patience when they dump their cereal all over the floor, for the 100th time. Patience when they wet their pants in the middle of a crowded grocery store. However patience with your child’s behaviors is not the only patience necessary.

Parenting also requires patience with yourself. Just because you became a parent does not mean for a moment that you know what you are doing. Even though your child may think you have all the answers, you don’t. They may look up to you like you are an absolute hero, but only you know how much you are blundering as you go.

Be patient with yourself. You will do plenty of things wrong. You will do plenty of things that you could have done better. You will say things that you wish you could take back. So be it! No one said you had to be perfect. In fact, setting yourself up as being perfect in your child’s eyes is quite damaging. It simply causes them to try to live up to an unreachable goal, potentially making them feel like a disappointment and failure to you. Let them know that you aren’t perfect. Apologize when you need to, to them and to yourself.

You will grow right along with them, if you let yourself. That growth is amazing. Be patient, and it will happen with time.

It’s More than Ok to Ask for Help

Parenting is hard, no shock there. Parenting with a narcissist is crazy impossible!! Drop the image that you’ve got all your stuff together. You don’t. Quit trying to play perfect to the world. Drop the image that you have it all under control. You aren’t fooling anyone, and that image is disastrous for you and especially for your kids.

In her fantastic book based on her own personal experience in life, author Alex Delon realized one day (in her words), “I’m holding myself together with barbed wire.” The picture it put in my mind and heart was so true to the life I was living. I was barely holding myself together, and the spikes of the barbed wire were digging deep. To find Alex’s book, Leaving You...for me, follow this link. I highly recommend the book.

If you are in a narcissistic marriage, then you know this painful place too. Your kids need you to be real. They desperately need a role model that shows that it is okay to be upset and frustrated AND that it is okay to ask for help. They need to know that you aren’t perfect. Reach out to a few friends for support. Tell them what is going on in your world. No, they can’t fix it, but they can be there for you to lean on. Trust me, that is extremely necessary!

Let your kids know that you have reached out for some allies. Tell them that you have told your friend or your family member. Let them know that they can talk with them too if they want. Encourage your kids to talk about their home environment with a few of their own friends. You might even talk with their best friend’s mother. Fill her in and let your child know that you did. Explain to your child that you all need allies who know what is going on and can help you if you need it.

When my boys told me that they had opened up to a few friends about what was going on in our home, I was thrilled. If they could talk with their closest friends about all this, that was a major accomplishment They were able to drop the image and to be vulnerable. If you really want to beat narcissism, this is a required step for everyone involved.

Strongly consider finding a therapist too. Find someone who is knowledgeable about narcissism. Straight up ask them what their experience is with it. It is best to find someone who has lived it firsthand. Any good therapist will allow you to ask some personal questions about their background. Don’t be afraid to ask.

Get your kids to visit that therapist too. My boys were hesitant to go at first. They thought I was telling them that they were crazy. So I disguised it a little. They both had already told me that they wanted me to divorce their dad. I told them that if I was going to do that, then I needed a counselor on my side. I needed that therapist to know what all was going on in our home. So I needed them to be completely honest with him. They both were, and they both greatly benefited. Of course, they later realized that the real reason for them to go was for them to work through their own anger. They caught me, but they were extremely grateful.

Savor every single moment, even the difficult ones

Life is made up of the moments. If you miss the single moments, then you miss life. There will be many incredibly difficult and painful moments. Your heart will viciously rip in half again and again. Let these painful times make you stronger. Feel the pain for what it is. It is not you being weak or overly emotional. It is not you just being dramatic or too sensitive, yet again. It is not something you should just get over. It is not a weakness.

These tough moments show a heart that cares, a heart that loves, a heart that beats. They reveal a soft and open heart wanting so desperately to take the pain away from the ones you love. This is you wanting to protect and to shield. It is you being real and genuine, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Don’t wait for some magical date in the future where you will finally be happy. Don’t wait for this or that to happen, such as when the kids are out of the house or when you finally file for divorce. I know you are in a tough spot. I get it. I have absolutely been there!

When my youngest boy was 14, we were in the thick of some very tough times in the home. Anger and negativity were running high. Yet I was talking to him, once again, about forgiveness and letting go of the anger. He assured me that he was working on it. I told him that I truly hoped so. He said, “Mom, I have to work on it now. If I say that I will wait til I move out of the house, then it will never actually happen. I have to learn to be happy now.”

He hit it on the head. If we tell ourselves that we will learn to be happy at some point in the future, then that point will never come. We will simply continue to put it off and push it away. The secret lies in finding peace now.

How do we do it? By living each single moment right now, both the good ones and the bad ones. Live each one, starting with the one that is right in front of you right now. Be as present as you can possibly be, every step of the way. Your kids need that, and so do you.

Parenting is quite a journey. It is extremely easy to get side-tracked and distracted from what is most important. You must remind yourself often to stay focused and on-task. The important things are the health of yourself and your kids. No matter how busy you get as a mom, and you will get crazy busy, have patience with faith, ask for help, and savor every single moment!

For more help with parenting under these adverse circumstances, I have written an ebook titled Parenting with a Covert Narcissist. This 26-page ebook contains crucial information for any parent who is struggling with the disastrous effects that covert narcissism is having on their own kids. It contains personal examples and suggestions for helping kids process their hurt and confused feelings. It will open  your heart to know that you are not alone and open your eyes to see ways to start recovering now. My boys and I are living proof that this horrible cycle can be stopped. If we can do it, so can you! Get the book here!