Understanding the difference between compassion and empathy is important for anyone who is dealing with a non-empathetic person. Both are in response to the emotions and needs of another person. Both involve some level of awareness of the other person’s emotions and needs.
Compassion
Desire to take action to help another person
Motivating to “do” things to help the other person
Involves recognizing the suffering of others
-death of a loved one
-loss of a job
Characterized by actions
You might care about someone’s situation and feel moved to help them, but it doesn’t necessarily mean you understand what they are going through. This does not require a connection with the person or an emotional reaction to their suffering.
Compassion can be motivated by the desire to look good, to do what one believes is the “right” thing, or to have one up on the person who is now indebted to you for your compassion. The show of concern or even pity allows one to still have a sense of superiority or entitlement to reciprocal treatment. It is not necessarily motivated by an emotional response.
Compassion is action based. Without empathy behind it, it feels fake and shallow. Altruistic behavior can certainly show up in people who do not have empathy. It is a “show” of care.
Examples of Compassion
Carrying someone’s groceries to their car
Helping a sick friend with yard work while they are down
Volunteering at a local charity
Donating money to organizations that help people
Extending forgiveness to someone who has harmed you
Listen to a friend who is going through a difficult time, but often listening to figure out how to help them, what to “do”
Empathy
Feeling the same emotions of another person from their perspective
Awareness of other people’s emotional experiences
Imagining yourself in the other person’s situation
Characterized by feelings
Empathy often acts as fuel for compassion. By empathizing with someone, you might experience feelings of compassion and a desire to help. Empathy can motivate one towards compassionate acts.
Empathy is feeling based. It encourages connection and understanding. It involves an attempt to understand and feel their emotions from their perspective. Not how I would feel in their shoes, but how they feel in their shoes.
Examples of Empathy
Actively listening when others share their feelings and experiences
Sensing other people’s emotions
Being attuned to the feelings of others
Being able to tell when someone is upset, angry, happy or sad
Feeling their feelings within you, as though you are absorbing their emotions
Perspective
Someone with empathy works to see things from the other person’s perspective.
Covert narcissists cannot see, understand or even acknowledge the other person’s perspective. They might show compassion when you have a death in your family. They can see the event that has happened that would clearly cause sadness and distress. But you may not receive any compassion from them when they have yelled at you or called you names. They do not see “from your perspective” why you would be upset.
It can lead to a lot of extra confusion when our partner, who shows us no empathy, has moments of compassion with us or others. Knowing this difference can help clear up that confusion.
Compassion is easily manipulated, which fits quite well with a covert narcissist. It can be used to make you look caring and good. But even still, a covert narcissist will help from their perspective, what THEY believe you need, what THEY think is best.
Empathy pushes one to understand from the other person’s perspective, acknowledging that their perspective is probably different from our own. With empathy, we work to find out what the other person believes they need, what that person thinks is best.
If a covert narcissist believes you should be suffering, then they might be quick to show compassionate acts. However, if they believe that you should not be suffering, there will be no sign of compassion. It is all about what THEY believe you SHOULD be feeling.
Name a few compassionate acts that the covert narcissist in your life did.
Did these acts feel genuine and real? Did they feel shallow and fake? How did their compassionate acts make you feel?
Did these compassionate acts get used against you? What did that look like? How did it make you feel?
Are they able to see things from your perspective? Is there an attempt from them to do so?
Do you work to see things from their perspective? Do you feel their feelings?