Covert narcissists use hooks to take the heat off themselves and place the blame or responsibility back on you. Things that cause you once again to doubt yourself and your perspective.
One of these hooks is “I can’t change overnight! You’re going to have to be patient.”
With a covert narcissist, this statement means, “Get off my back! You are expecting too much! You are so demanding and expect me to be perfect all the time.”
Change does take time. You desire to be a patient person. So you back off. You might even feel bad for being “too” demanding.
While change does take time, the first steps don’t.
Long-term changes take time and effort, sure. But listening to what your partner is saying does not take time. It simply requires the ability to listen. Validating what they are saying does not take time. It requires willingness to validate another human being. Being willing to have some give in your interactions with them does not take time. It requires the ability to be present.
At the very least, offering a genuine apology when they express that you hurt them does not take time. It requires an ability and willingness to be vulnerable. And in fact it takes less time than the defensiveness and 2-hour lectures that many victims receive.
I wore out the entire alphabet multiple times while he couldn’t even do step A. Yes, lasting change takes time. It takes repetition and reinforcement. However, step A doesn’t. It can happen right now. One small step. One small amount of give. That can happen overnight. But if someone doesn’t have any give, then they simply don’t have any give. In fact, their lack of give is devastating. They simply won’t give an inch, a smidge.
Even to be able to say in a conversation, “Oh, that makes sense,” or “Ok, I can see that.” They just can’t do it. That would give you the slightest amount of understanding and validation. It won’t happen. So while change does take time, the first step does not. But they will never do it.
Quit accepting this hook. Changes can happen overnight. Progress can take place and be visible very quickly.
Make a list of changes you have made in life. Did these take time? Did the initial steps and commitments take time? When you were all in, did changes take place sooner?